The joke thread: a thread for camaraderie and hilarity

[deej]

So you think you've had a bad day at work?

 

Think that's what they call a really shitty day

[ICTJohnboy]

On 21/11/2016 at 23:36, blackislekillie said:

Its actually an old Chic Murray joke. That guy cracked me up.

 

He was a comic genius.

 

"We've got stained glass windows in our house. Bloody pigeons."

 

Edited to add...

I went to the doctor and he told me I only had three minutes to live. I immediately asked if there was anything he could do for me, to which he replied, that he could boil me an egg.

Read more: http://qqrenegades.proboards.com/thread/2104/chic-murray-liners#ixzz4REHsClBM

 

Anyone else got any favourite CM jokes?

 

Edited November 27, 2016 by ICTJohnboy

[peasy23]

 



 

Anyone else got any favourite CM jokes?

 

I was standing at a bus stop the other day, eating fish and chips. There was a woman there with a little dog and it kept jumping up at me.

So I said to her, "do you mind if I throw him a bit?"

She replied "no, that's perfectly fine."

So I picked up the dog....

[Guest]

Was walking by the bookies, it said on the windae, open Sunday 11-5
I thought, im for some of that at that price, it was open last Sunday

[RedRob72]

What happened to the dyslexic devil-worshipper?

 

He sold his soul to Santa.

Then died after choking on his own Vimto??

[GordonD]

Paid a fortune to visit a Dutch warehouse?

<edit> If you're going to make a typo, don't do it in a dyslexia joke!

Edited November 29, 2016 by GordonD

[Cardinal Richelieu]

Do people with dyslexia think they have dailysex?

[Bold Rover]

On 27 November 2016 at 10:38, ICTJohnboy said:

Anyone else got any favourite CM jokes?

 

She opened the door in her dressing gown. Funny place to have a door.

[GordonD]

I was sitting on the ground and somebody asked, "Did you fall, Chic?" and I answered, "No, I'm trying to break a bar of chocolate in my pocket!"

[throbber]

A lot of people say my father was a weirdo but he wasn't, he was a lovely man. And a great kisser.

[ICTJohnboy]

This one is true (allegedly) 

Some years ago Chic was held up with bad weather at Edinburgh Airport trying to get a flight to London. 

An irate American was strutting up and down enraged that he too, caught up in the delay. He was clearly unimpressed with Edinburgh and/or the airport. "This must be the asshole of England" he shouted at everyone and anyone within earshot.

"So are you just passing through then," quipped our Chic.

[Newbornbairn]

There's an after dinner speaker does the rounds in Scotland with a very dry, CM humour. He's an ex-barrister thus:

"I was walking down the street one day when I saw an old client of mine who I hadn't seen in years, Davie, a bit of a crook and sometime bankrobber"

"Hello Davie" says I, "It must be ten years since I've seen you. What have you been doing?"

"Ten years" was his reply.

 

 

Another - "They say they're having trouble getting the pandas in Edinburgh zoo to breed. Have they tried putting them on benefits?"

[Mark Connolly]

A guy is driving home one day and he sees a sign in front of a house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.'

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the back garden.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep" the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told MI5. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one thought a dog would be eavesdropping, I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a load of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, spent some time playing Schmeichel in Corrie, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten quid" the guy says.

"Ten quid? This dog is amazing! Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the garden."

[Blootoon87]

How do you track Will Smith in the snow?
Follow the fresh prints.

[ICTJohnboy]

1 hour ago, NewBornBairn said:

There's an after dinner speaker does the rounds in Scotland with a very dry, CM humour. He's an ex-barrister thus:

"I was walking down the street one day when I saw an old client of mine who I hadn't seen in years, Davie, a bit of a crook and sometime bankrobber"

"Hello Davie" says I, "It must be ten years since I've seen you. What have you been doing?"

"Ten years" was his reply.

 

 

Another - "They say they're having trouble getting the pandas in Edinburgh zoo to breed. Have they tried putting them on benefits?"

 

Reminds me of another....

 

This guy appears in court charged with stealing an overcoat.

The judge looks at him closely.

"Didn't you appear before me about 5 years ago, charged with stealing an overcoat" he asks.

"Yes M'Lud" says the accused ,"but how long do you think an overcoat should last?" 

[Bold Rover]

Pharmacist: Would you like me to put your pills in a bottle?

Chic: No, I'll just roll them home.

[JustOneCornetto]

Still on the Chic theme

'I knocked and this woman opened the door in her nightdress. I thought to myself at the time what a strange place to have a door'

'I had a tragic childhood. My parents never understood me. They were Japanese.'

[GordonD]

So I knocked on the door of the guest house and when the landlady answered I said to her, "I'd like to stay here!"

She said, "Stay there, then," and shut the door.

[topcat(The most tip top)]

Do people with dyslexia think they have dailysex?

My wife's dyslexic

And if she does then I want to know who with

[Bishop Briggs]