Newbornbairn Posted October 17, 2016 Share Posted October 17, 2016 mods plse 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustOneCornetto Posted October 17, 2016 Share Posted October 17, 2016 In the distant future, in the year 4516, a number of scientists from all over the Universe were gathered together in a distant galaxy. Two of the scientists were seated together and got talking. 'Where are you from?' the first scientist asked. The other scientist said 'I'm from Alpha Centauri, where are you from?' 'I'm from Earth' was the answer. 'I know someone from Earth' said the Alpha Centaurian, 'John Smith, do you know him?' 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted October 27, 2016 Share Posted October 27, 2016 Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went camping in the country, In the middle of the night Holmes nudged Watson awake and said, "Watson, what thought comes to you as you look up at the night sky?" Watson said, "Well, Holmes, I see the thousands of stars that cover the heavens and bear witness to the magnificence of God's creation, and I realise how small and insignificant we are, and yet the fact that God is still mindful of us fills me with wonder. What thought comes to you?" And Holmes replied, "That somebody has stolen our f*ck*ng tent!" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Chlamydia Kid Posted October 28, 2016 Share Posted October 28, 2016 Why did the cow go on holiday? Because he had a wee calf. [emoji52] 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cerberus Posted October 28, 2016 Share Posted October 28, 2016 On 10/17/2016 at 09:33, Chris_DK said: How did the cheese paint his wife? He double Gloucester Really cheesy. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Buddie Holly Posted October 29, 2016 Share Posted October 29, 2016 (edited) how do you make a door laugh? tickle its knob. Edited October 29, 2016 by Buddie Holly 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alta-pete Posted October 29, 2016 Share Posted October 29, 2016 How do you make a snooker table smile? Stick yer hand in its pocket and tickle its baws. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AMC13 Posted October 29, 2016 Share Posted October 29, 2016 How do you make a girl happy. Shag her. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smpar Posted October 29, 2016 Share Posted October 29, 2016 How do you make a girl happy. Shag her. VL found. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted October 29, 2016 Share Posted October 29, 2016 How do you make a Dundee girl's eyes light up? Shine a torch in her ear. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ICTJohnboy Posted October 29, 2016 Share Posted October 29, 2016 Two posh Kelvinside women meet up in a less than salubrious city centre cafe. A waitress approaches them and enquires "Whit are youse wantin'"? Could we have two teas please, with milk and sugar? replied one woman. "And could I have mine in a clean cup, please," said the other 5 minutes later the waitress returns..... "Two teas", she says, "Now which wan of youse asked fur a clean cup"? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maicoman Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 What did the fish say when it got run over by a bus? A McGILLS! Apologies if you are not from the west of Scotland and have never heard of Mcgills buses 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cerberus Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 Reported for racism. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smpar Posted November 1, 2016 Share Posted November 1, 2016 I can never remember what 51, 6 and 500 are in Roman Numerals. I'm fucking LIVID.Shamelessly stolen from Facebook. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ICTJohnboy Posted November 2, 2016 Share Posted November 2, 2016 An Inverurie couple were holidaying in New York and were having a coffee in a cafe. An American guy, overhearing their accents asked where they were from. "We're from Scotland", hubby replied...."Fits he sayin', fits he sayin'" said his wife, who was a little hard of hearing. "He's asking where we are from", said hubby The American guy pipes up again....."Yes, I could tell you are Scottish, I just wondered whereabouts in Scotland" Before he could reply, his wife pipes up again..."Fits he sayin', fits he sayin" "He's asking whereabouts in Scotland" says hubby He then turns to the American and says "We're from a small town not far from Aberdeen called Inverurie" The American is astonished - "I've been to Inverurie several years ago," he says, "I remember that town very well because it was where I had the worst sexual experience of my life" "Fits he sayin', fits he sayin'" pipes up the wife yet again. "He says he kens ye," replies a somewhat exasperated hubby. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ICTJohnboy Posted November 3, 2016 Share Posted November 3, 2016 Guy goes to the doctor with an embarrassing problem - "It's like this, doctor, whenever I go for a pee, it tends to come out of the sides of my willie and basically going all over the place. It's really embarrassing whenever I go to a public toilet as I often end up spraying the person standing next to me" "Let's have a look then" says the doc, so the guy unzips his fly and puts his willie on the table. The doctor peers down and takes a close look at it. "Ah", he says, I can see the problem here. "Your willie's covered in little perforations" "Can you do anything to sort it out" asks the guy. "Yes", says the doctor, "I want you to make an appointment to go and see this guy" he says, handing him slip of paper. "Okay" says the guy, I'll do that, is he a specialist or something? "Not really", says the doc "He's a clarinet player, "he'll teach you how to hold it properly" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blackislekillie Posted November 3, 2016 Share Posted November 3, 2016 What vegetable makes you cry? A turnip in the baws. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Buddie Holly Posted November 3, 2016 Share Posted November 3, 2016 11 minutes ago, blackislekillie said: What vegetable makes you cry? A turnip in the baws. The Almost Completely Ultimate Weegie Jokebook - Ian Black - Google Bookshttps://books.google.co.uk/books?id=XAdoAwAAQBAJ&pg=PT35&lpg=PT35&dq=andy+cameron+turnip+in+the+balls&source=bl&ots=z2PbsBSkUx&sig=G51MSoASW2yeWIbSAGbwXXq5Hw0&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwij9-_l3Y3QAhWInBoKHZlrD2sQ6AEIHTAB#v=onepage&q=andy cameron turnip in the balls&f=false 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheCelt67 Posted November 4, 2016 Share Posted November 4, 2016 What has five letters and starts with a P?... ...a jobby. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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