Mad Capsule Posted September 26, 2016 Share Posted September 26, 2016 Why can't Stevie Wonder see his mates? Because he's married. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
supermik Posted September 27, 2016 Share Posted September 27, 2016 Absolutely shattered this morning. Got a phonecall from my doctor during the night. He told me his toilet was blocked and he wanted me to fix it right away. I told him it was the middle of the night and couldn't it wait till the morning. He told me that as he was a doctor and if i had called him then he would have come to see me. I arrived at his at 2.30am. He showed me to his bathroom. I took one look, threw 2 aspirins down the pan and told him that if it was no better in the morning then give me another call.... 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustOneCornetto Posted September 27, 2016 Share Posted September 27, 2016 Accordion to a recent survey 90% of people don't notice when you replace a word with the name of a musical instrument. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mad Capsule Posted September 27, 2016 Share Posted September 27, 2016 Why does Bono wear sunglasses indoors? Because he's a c**t. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
microdave Posted September 28, 2016 Share Posted September 28, 2016 Bono fell off the stage last night. He was standing too close to the Edge! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustOneCornetto Posted September 29, 2016 Share Posted September 29, 2016 It's useless trying to explain puns to kleptomaniacs...they take everything literally. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
topcat(The most tip top) Posted September 29, 2016 Share Posted September 29, 2016 I've got a really good joke about Déjà vu but I think I've told you it before 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Girth Posted September 29, 2016 Share Posted September 29, 2016 (edited) Why did the Mexican shoot his wife? Tequila! Edited September 29, 2016 by Girth 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Buddie Holly Posted September 29, 2016 Share Posted September 29, 2016 11 minutes ago, Girth said: What did the Mexican shoot his wife? Tequila! don't you mean "why"? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted September 29, 2016 Share Posted September 29, 2016 John was relaxing in his back garden when suddenly his Rottweiler squeezed under the hedge carrying next door's pet rabbit in its jaws. John ordered the dog to drop the rabbit then studied it closely. It was obviously dead, but there were no injuries so the dog didn't seem to have killed it in a physical attack - probably it had died of fright. John knew that the people next door had gone to the zoo for the day so he thought if he acted quickly he might get away with it. He took the rabbit into his house and carefully washed it, then dried its fur with his wife's hair-dryer (no, that isn't the joke) then slipped into next door's garden and popped it back into its hutch. He realised that finding the rabbit dead would upset the little girl it belonged to, but at least he wouldn't get the blame. He was only just in time because as he returned to his own garden he heard next door's car pull up and people coming into their house. He sat in his deckchair and pretended to be reading the paper. A moment later there was a scream of terror from next door. A minute or two after that his neighbour looked over the hedge. "John, have you seen anybody hanging around our garden?" "N - no, why?" asked John, trying to sound innocent. "There are some really twisted people about," said his neighbour. "Little Emma's rabbit died yesterday so we had a proper funeral for it and buried it in the garden. We took her to the zoo today to cheer her up and we've come home to find that some sick b*****d has dug it up again and stuck it back in the hutch!" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mad Capsule Posted September 29, 2016 Share Posted September 29, 2016 My work colleague completely messed up my desk and left a note with ANBG scribbled on it.That's bang out of order. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hellbhoy Posted September 29, 2016 Share Posted September 29, 2016 A woman went to the doctors. The doctor asked what was her ailment and she replied that she had a very high sex drive that her husband couldn't keep up with and could he do anything about it. The doctor told her to take her clothes off behind the screen, she went behind the screen and said "Where do I put my clothing?", the doctor replied "Oh, just put them on top of mine". 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted September 30, 2016 Share Posted September 30, 2016 A man went to the doctor with the same complaint. The doctor said to him, "You'll have to stop masturbating!" "Why should I do that, doctor?" the man asked. "Because I'm trying to examine you!" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted October 2, 2016 Share Posted October 2, 2016 18 minutes ago, throbber said: Mods? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blackislekillie Posted October 2, 2016 Share Posted October 2, 2016 A guy goes into a butchers and asks "have you got a sheep's heid"? The butcher says " naw, its just the way a comb ma hair". 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mad Capsule Posted October 2, 2016 Share Posted October 2, 2016 In which state does the Mississippi river flow? Liquid. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ICTJohnboy Posted October 3, 2016 Share Posted October 3, 2016 Q : What do you call a barmaid who can balance a pint of beer on her head and play snooker at the same time? A : Beartrix Potter 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted October 17, 2016 Share Posted October 17, 2016 Glasgow man goes into a chemist with a doctor's prescription. The chemist reads it and hands him a box of suppositories. The man looks at them in alarm. "These things are huge - how the hell am Ah supposed to swallow them?" "You don't swallow them," the chemist explained. "You - ah - put them in your back passage." The man looked doubtful but went away. A fortnight later he went back to the doctor, who examined him. "You're still showing the same symptoms, Mr Mackay. Did you use the suppositories I prescribed?" "Well, Ah tried to," said the man. "The chemist told me to pit them in mah back passage. Mah hoose disnae have a back passage, so I pit them in mah loaby. But for all the good they did, Ah might as well have stuck them up mah arse!" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustOneCornetto Posted October 17, 2016 Share Posted October 17, 2016 Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karpaty Posted October 17, 2016 Share Posted October 17, 2016 How did the cheese paint his wife? He double Gloucester 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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