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Went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. I noticed four gravediggers walking about with a coffin. When I was about to leave a little while later they were still walking about with it. Thought to myself they’ve lost the plot!

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Father Donnelly is doing his rounds and he meets Mrs O'Neill.

"How are you doing Mrs O'Neill?"

"Oh Father, me and Patrick have been trying for a baby for years. We've had no luck. We'd just love a wee one but we've not been blessed"

Father Donnelly says "Well, they're sending me to the Vatican on a sabbatical next week. I'll light a candle and say a prayer for you to be blessed with a family"

After a number of years away the priest returns to the village and meets Mrs O'Neill.

"Oh Father, it's a miracle. When you left I became pregnant and gave birth to little Mary. Then came Seamus, Sean, Bernadette, the twins. Now I'm expecting triplets"

"That's fantastic, Mrs O'Neill. How's Patrick doing?"

"Father, he's taking a trip to Rome next week"

"Oh, is that to give thanks for the miracle of his children?"

"Oh no, Father, he says he's going there to blow out your fecking candle .."

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When the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time, it almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.

He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down one side, then the other, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed downward again, working down her side, passed gently over and then in between her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, “That was wonderful. Why did you stop?”

“I found the remote,” he said.

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