welshbairn Posted November 30, 2020 Share Posted November 30, 2020 On 27/11/2020 at 14:00, Old Diamond said: Was hoping that was real, never mind.. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cardinal Richelieu Posted November 30, 2020 Share Posted November 30, 2020 A man goes into a baker's Shop and asks for two bread rolls. The shopkeeper picks up two rolls with a pair of tongs and puts them in a paper bag. The man then asks for two cakes. Again, the shopkeeper picks them up with the tongs and puts them in the bag. The man says, "It’s nice to see, that you don’t manhandle the food". The shopkeeper says, "Sir, nothing in my shop is handled by human hands.” The man then noticed a piece of string, hanging from the shopkeeper's trousers and asks: "What’s that piece of string for?” The shopkeeper says, "Well, that's for when I need a piss. I pull on the string and my old boy just pops out.” "Great idea," says the man, “but, pray, tell me how you put it back in?” “Not a problem”, says the shopkeeper… "I just use the tongs" 15 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tenkay Posted November 30, 2020 Share Posted November 30, 2020 "SIRI, Why do I always mess it up with women?" Um, I do not understand who Siri is, this is ALEXA. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The DA Posted December 1, 2020 Share Posted December 1, 2020 Which middle-eastern potentate lists crisps as his favourite snack? Sultan Vinegar. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted December 1, 2020 Share Posted December 1, 2020 There's been good news and bad news for Neil Lennon today. The good news is that he got a phone call offering him a job. The bad news is that it was in Debenham's. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tenkay Posted December 1, 2020 Share Posted December 1, 2020 On 30/11/2020 at 09:11, Old Diamond said: And then you woke up in casualty! A gorgeous shapely girl was lying naked in a hospital bed with just a sheet half-covering her. Suddenly a young man walked in, pulled back the sheet and examined her closely. “What’s the verdict?” she asked. He replied, “You’ll have to ask a doctor, love. ..I’m just here to clean the room...” 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BillyAnchor Posted December 2, 2020 Share Posted December 2, 2020 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Derry Alli Posted December 2, 2020 Share Posted December 2, 2020 @Monkey Tennis 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tenkay Posted December 3, 2020 Share Posted December 3, 2020 Four older gentlemen are out golfing, and the topic of their children's professional success is brought up. The first guy steps up, hurriedly takes his shot, and starts walking to find his ball without saying a word... The second man steps up to take his shot and confidently reports, "My son is doing pretty well. He's just been promoted to manager of the car dealership he works at. In fact, he's doing so well gave the last lady he was seeing a brand new sports car." Then he takes takes a swing and drives the ball down towards the green. The third guy steps up and can't help but escalate with praise for his own son, "That's pretty impressive, but my boy is also doing great. He's a chip off the old block. He's a broker for luxury yachts, and really has a knack for it. He's doing so well that the last woman he was dating he just gave her a freaking boat!". He takes his shot and stands next to the other guy. The last gentleman, growing in confidence steps up to the tee, really feeling pride in his son's accomplishments, "Those are nothing to scoff at, no doubt. Believe it or not though, my son is doing even better! He's a top ranked real eastate agent and had such a profitable year that he up and bought this girl he's been dating a new house!" He drives his shot almost to the hole and all three walk down to meet the friend that lost his ball in the trees. The first guy chips his ball out as they arrive at the green. As he walks up to meet them, they ask him, "What about you? You didn't say anything before you shot... don't you have something to share about your son?" He dips his head a little and replies, " I love my son and I'm happy he's happy. He's gay, a cross dresser, and does some work as an escort... "He must be very good though - just this year his three top clients have bought him a Ferarri, a small yacht, and a new fuckin' house!" 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buchan30 Posted December 3, 2020 Share Posted December 3, 2020 I met my wife at a fancy dress party. She was dressed as a frisbee.She got so drunk and just threw herself at me. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Newbornbairn Posted December 3, 2020 Share Posted December 3, 2020 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tony Ferrino Posted December 4, 2020 Share Posted December 4, 2020 15 hours ago, buchan30 said: I met my wife at a fancy dress party. She was dressed as a frisbee. She got so drunk and just threw herself at me. Hopefully your relationship has leveled out. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buchan30 Posted December 4, 2020 Share Posted December 4, 2020 Hopefully your relationship has leveled out. Yep. She’s quite the catch. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DeeTillEhDeh Posted December 4, 2020 Share Posted December 4, 2020 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DeeTillEhDeh Posted December 4, 2020 Share Posted December 4, 2020 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
expatowner Posted December 5, 2020 Share Posted December 5, 2020 Oh I feel old. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
philpy Posted December 5, 2020 Share Posted December 5, 2020 .. . 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DeeTillEhDeh Posted December 5, 2020 Share Posted December 5, 2020 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robin.Hood Posted December 5, 2020 Share Posted December 5, 2020 I just read in the paper there’s a nudist convention in town next week... I might go if I’ve got nothing on 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stanton Posted December 5, 2020 Share Posted December 5, 2020 What do you get if you cross a Flea with a Chicken ? An itchy cock 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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