IainMorton Posted December 4, 2019 Share Posted December 4, 2019 My grief counsellor died recently, thankfully he was so good I didn’t give a shit. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buchan30 Posted December 5, 2019 Share Posted December 5, 2019 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Diamond Posted December 6, 2019 Share Posted December 6, 2019 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robin.Hood Posted December 6, 2019 Share Posted December 6, 2019 Throughout our marriage, my wife has always stood by my side. She had to. We've only got one chair. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lee Van Tee Posted December 7, 2019 Share Posted December 7, 2019 If anybody knows of any lonely old people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can they let me know. I need to borrow some chairs. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bishop Briggs Posted December 7, 2019 Share Posted December 7, 2019 This sums up the election perfectly. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LincolnHearts Posted December 8, 2019 Share Posted December 8, 2019 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted December 9, 2019 Share Posted December 9, 2019 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pozbaird Posted December 10, 2019 Share Posted December 10, 2019 Apparently, it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, so here goes!: An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub. The doorman stops them and says, 'Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai.' 19 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buchan30 Posted December 14, 2019 Share Posted December 14, 2019 John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife !" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night ! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep". 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
killiepiemuncher Posted December 14, 2019 Share Posted December 14, 2019 Bacon TreeTwo Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says........."Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk.""Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon .... every imaginable kind of cured pork."Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree.""Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget.""Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!""Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? ""Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees Ees Ees EesEes a ham bush...." 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bishop Briggs Posted December 15, 2019 Share Posted December 15, 2019 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BillyAnchor Posted December 18, 2019 Share Posted December 18, 2019 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bishop Briggs Posted December 20, 2019 Share Posted December 20, 2019 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lee Van Tee Posted December 21, 2019 Share Posted December 21, 2019 Nipped a lassie last night at the work's office party. I was out my face and I put in such a poor performance that she says she now knows what it must be like to be a Hearts fan. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buchan30 Posted December 22, 2019 Share Posted December 22, 2019 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dorlomin Posted December 23, 2019 Share Posted December 23, 2019 Got some sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after 1 minor indiscretion. He slept with 1 of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training&money. A genuinely nice guy, and a brilliant vet 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bishop Briggs Posted December 23, 2019 Share Posted December 23, 2019 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Chief Toffee Teeth Posted December 23, 2019 Share Posted December 23, 2019 What's the difference between Brussels Sprouts and snotters?Weans love eating snotters. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
throbber Posted December 24, 2019 Share Posted December 24, 2019 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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