nsr Posted September 12, 2019 Share Posted September 12, 2019 Pipes doon the lot o' ye's. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BillyAnchor Posted September 12, 2019 Share Posted September 12, 2019 That one took me a minuet to get 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hearthammer Posted September 12, 2019 Share Posted September 12, 2019 Hola !!!! I'm bach 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paranoid android Posted September 12, 2019 Share Posted September 12, 2019 Disappointing outcome following my interview with Scotland's largest independent motor factoring group - ding, bro! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hearthammer Posted September 12, 2019 Share Posted September 12, 2019 All my love, All my kissin' You don't know what you've been missin' Oboe, when i'm with you, Oboe 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kennysmassiveego Posted September 14, 2019 Share Posted September 14, 2019 You know when you get that urge to eat something just because it’s there? Anyway , I lost my job as a gynaecologist today . 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kennysmassiveego Posted September 14, 2019 Share Posted September 14, 2019 Three guys sitting in a bar talking . There was a doctor , a lawyer and a biker . After sipping his martini the doctor said , “ you know tomorrow’s my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn’t like the ring at least she’ll like the Mercedes and she will know I love her .” After finishing his scotch the lawyer replied “ well on my last anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn’t like the pearls she would like the trip and she would know that I love her “. ‘The biker then took a swig of his beer and said “ yeh , I got my old lady a tee shirt and a vibrator . I figured if she didn’t like the tee shirt , she could go f*ck herself “ . 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pozbaird Posted September 14, 2019 Share Posted September 14, 2019 An alien spaceship crash lands on earth, just outside Glasgow. The wee green man on board staggers out his stricken craft, into the nearest boozer. The whole place stops dead in its tracks. The wee alien limps up to the bar and says ‘a pint please, I really need one!’. The barman says ‘away ye go, we don’t serve wee green men wi’ five eyes in here, beat it’. The wee alien says ‘ for fcuk sake, if you knew what I’ve been through. Millions of fcuking miles, crashed out the sky, nearly shat myself so I did, look give me a pint, and I’ll buy the entire bar their drinks all night, what do you say?’ The barman looks at the packed bar, pound signs start flashing in his eyes. In a loud voice, he shouts out ‘haw! Everybody! The drinks are on the alien!’... fcuking place goes mental. At the end of the night, it’s just the barman and a pished alien left in the joint. The barman says to him ‘well, what a night that turned into... that’ll be two thousand, one hundred and five quid please!’ The alien says to the barman - ‘no problem, have you got change of a Zonk?’ 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Diamond Posted September 14, 2019 Share Posted September 14, 2019 On 12/09/2019 at 19:05, hearthammer said: All my love, All my kissin' You don't know what you've been missin' Oboe, when i'm with you, Oboe All my life, I've been kissing Your left tit 'cos your right ones missing Oh boy! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IainMorton Posted September 14, 2019 Share Posted September 14, 2019 I’ve been reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is about to happen. I can feel it. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IainMorton Posted September 15, 2019 Share Posted September 15, 2019 Just watched a weird porn movie, it was just a fat guy sitting wanking and crying at the same time. Then I realised I hadn’t switched the tv on. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unleash The Nade Posted September 15, 2019 Share Posted September 15, 2019 My mate , who has a stutter, was telling us a story about his nana . By the time he’d finished , we were all singing Hey Jude ! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted September 15, 2019 Share Posted September 15, 2019 British soldier in Belfast at the height of the Troubles. He sees a civilian walking down the road, gets his rifle and shoots the guy. The sergeant comes running up. "What the hell are you doing, Private?" "Breach of the Curfew, Sarge!" says the soldier. "But the Curfew doesn't start for another ten minutes!" says the sergeant. "I know, Sarge," says the soldier. "But I know where that guy lives, and he would never have been home in time!" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IainMorton Posted September 15, 2019 Share Posted September 15, 2019 Did you hear about the female rapper that only battles during her period? I’ve heard she has a mean flow. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buchan30 Posted September 16, 2019 Share Posted September 16, 2019 Spreading my arse cheeks, I said to my doctor, "Do you think they're piles hanging out my arse?"He said, "Would you mind making an appointment to see me next week. I'm having a meal with my wife at the moment." 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted September 16, 2019 Share Posted September 16, 2019 10 hours ago, MixuFixit said: Reminds me of another troubles era joke: Knock knock Who's there? BANG BANG BANG it's the police My dad's favourite was: At closing time in Belfast pubs they don't ring a bell. The barman shouts, "Whose is that holdall in the corner?" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BillyAnchor Posted September 17, 2019 Share Posted September 17, 2019 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zen Archer (Raconteur) Posted September 18, 2019 Share Posted September 18, 2019 If you give a poor man a fish he will eat for a day. If you give him a fishing rod he will stick it through your letter box and steal your car keys. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ICTJohnboy Posted September 18, 2019 Share Posted September 18, 2019 This guy's is in the butcher's shop buying a nice fillet steak for his dinner that night. He explains to the lady assistant he's treating himself as it's his birthday. "Oh, happy birthday", says the assistant, "is this a special birthday, maybe your 40th or thereabouts?" Well, says the guy, you might not believe it, but I'm actually 59. "Well that's incredible", says the assistant - you hardly look a day over 40. He explains he's always kept himself in good ship with jogging and regular visits to the gym, and maintaining a healthy diet. 10 minutes later, the guys at the bus stop when this lady joins the queue. They start chatting and the guy explains he's bought a steak to celebrate his birthday - he goes on, " I'll bet you'll never guess how old I am". Oh, says the lady, I think I could. If you would just let me put my hand inside your trousers, and have a feel around I'll tell you your age. The guy's a bit puzzled but lets the lady slip her hand in and grope around. She keeps this up for 5 minutes and eventually she says you're exactly 59 years old. The guy's amazed. "That's incredible" he says, "you've worked out my age just by having a feel?" "No", she says - "I was behind you in the queue at the butcher's shop" 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted September 18, 2019 Share Posted September 18, 2019 Guy walks into the pub and tells the barman, "I'm 62 the day!" The barman gives him a pint on the house. The guy drinks it then says, "And I'm 2 to 10 the morn!" 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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