Arch Stanton Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 Excruciating pun alert... A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller, whose name plate says Patricia Whack "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £50,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty ( as her friend's liked to call her) looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. "Kermit Jagger. My father is Mick Jagger. It will be fine to authorise the loan, I know your manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. "Sure, how about this," said Kermit as he produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. Patty walks into the manager's office and proceeds to tell him, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £50,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."Patty holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone." 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cardinal Richelieu Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 Similarly... A guy went into a French seafood restaurant and asked to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheeled over a trolley with a large tank full of various species, and the man examined the dishes. "I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" said the man. "An excellent choice, they have a delicate, mild flavour." replied the waiter and called out "Gervais!" A little French chef appeared with a large knife, the waiter instructed the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip. Gervais was just about to slice at the poor squid when he noticed a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admitted that he hadn't the heart to kill the squid. "Not to worry" says the waiter, and called out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke came out of the kitchen. "Sir", said the waiter, "This is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans kill that little green squid with the hairy lip!" The dishwasher wielded a huge rolling pin and was just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringed back and gave a little cry. "I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admitted, his lower lip trembling. "Well sir," said the waiter, "it just shows...... That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais, with mild green, hairy lip squid!" 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SlipperyP Posted September 11, 2019 Share Posted September 11, 2019 (edited) 3 hours ago, Cardinal Richelieu said: Similarly... A guy went into a French seafood restaurant and asked to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheeled over a trolley with a large tank full of various species, and the man examined the dishes. "I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" said the man. "An excellent choice, they have a delicate, mild flavour." replied the waiter and called out "Gervais!" A little French chef appeared with a large knife, the waiter instructed the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip. Gervais was just about to slice at the poor squid when he noticed a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admitted that he hadn't the heart to kill the squid. "Not to worry" says the waiter, and called out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke came out of the kitchen. "Sir", said the waiter, "This is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans kill that little green squid with the hairy lip!" The dishwasher wielded a huge rolling pin and was just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringed back and gave a little cry. "I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admitted, his lower lip trembling. "Well sir," said the waiter, "it just shows...... That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais, with mild green, hairy lip squid!" Edited September 11, 2019 by SlipperyP 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cardinal Richelieu Posted September 11, 2019 Share Posted September 11, 2019 3 hours ago, SlipperyP said: I await your next offering with glee! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The DA Posted September 11, 2019 Share Posted September 11, 2019 2 minutes ago, Cardinal Richelieu said: I await your next offering with glee! 'Bruce does Limmy' 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SlipperyP Posted September 11, 2019 Share Posted September 11, 2019 3 hours ago, Cardinal Richelieu said: I await your next offering with glee! Just for you... Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father." The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace." The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence." The fourth Catholic women sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a charismatic, 6'2", hard-bodied male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "My God. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cardinal Richelieu Posted September 11, 2019 Share Posted September 11, 2019 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moonglum25 Posted September 11, 2019 Share Posted September 11, 2019 Old minister is dying and they send for his three sons who gather round his bed. He asks first son what he wants to be and son replies " A Minister like you" to which the minister replies " To get you started you can have my robes. He then asks the second son what he wants to be and son replies " A Librarian" to which the minister replies "To get you started you can have all my books. The third son is asked the same question to which he replies "A Farmer" at which point the minister struggles out of his bed and proceeds to kick the boy in the balls and says " There's 2 acres to get you started. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
killiepiemuncher Posted September 11, 2019 Share Posted September 11, 2019 Boris Johnson walks into a Bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ms could you please cash this cheque for me?"Cashier: "It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?"Johnson: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Boris Johnson, the Prime Minister.Cashier: "Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."Johnson: “Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr Johnson, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."Johnson, "Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque."Cashier: "Look sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque.""Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?"Johnson stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don't have a clue."Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes , Mr Johnson. ?.... 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BillyAnchor Posted September 11, 2019 Share Posted September 11, 2019 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
staggy1929 Posted September 11, 2019 Share Posted September 11, 2019 did you hear about the girl that lives between Inverness and Nairn? She's so thin it's Ardasier 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ICTJohnboy Posted September 11, 2019 Share Posted September 11, 2019 So.... This English guy decides he wants to escape the rat race in England and buys a little croft style cottage in the idyllic Scottish Highlands. His first night in his new abode he is sitting in enjoying the views and the absolute peace and tranquility all around him when there is a knock on his door. A hairy-arsed highlander, resplendent in his kilt, looking like a cross between a caber tosser and a hammer thrower is on the doorstep. "Och hallo", he says, "I'm Torquil, I'm your neighbour from just along the road and I wanted to welcome you to the area". He goes on...." I'm having a wee party at my house tonight, a wee bit of food and drink, some music, maybe a wee bit of dancing, so I just wondered if maybe you would like to come along?" Our English friend is impressed by this offer of hospitality and tells his new neighbour he would be delighted to come along. "Will there be many people there," he asks. "Och no", replies his neighbour, "It will just be the two of us" 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cardinal Richelieu Posted September 11, 2019 Share Posted September 11, 2019 1 hour ago, ICTJohnboy said: So.... This English guy decides he wants to escape the rat race in England and buys a little croft style cottage in the idyllic Scottish Highlands. His first night in his new abode he is sitting in enjoying the views and the absolute peace and tranquility all around him when there is a knock on his door. A hairy-arsed highlander, resplendent in his kilt, looking like a cross between a caber tosser and a hammer thrower is on the doorstep. "Och hallo", he says, "I'm Torquil, I'm your neighbour from just along the road and I wanted to welcome you to the area". He goes on...." I'm having a wee party at my house tonight, a wee bit of food and drink, some music, maybe a wee bit of dancing, so I just wondered if maybe you would like to come along?" Our English friend is impressed by this offer of hospitality and tells his new neighbour he would be delighted to come along. "Will there be many people there," he asks. "Och no", replies his neighbour, "It will just be the two of us" Er, is Torquil wanting to pump him or am I missing something? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alta-pete Posted September 11, 2019 Share Posted September 11, 2019 Er, is Torquil wanting to pump him or am I missing something?Ye are. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Poet of the Macabre Posted September 11, 2019 Share Posted September 11, 2019 Accordion to a recent study, you can easily hide the name of a musical instrument into most sentences, without people even noticing. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cardinal Richelieu Posted September 12, 2019 Share Posted September 12, 2019 10 hours ago, Poet of the Macabre said: Accordion to a recent study, you can easily hide the name of a musical instrument into most sentences, without people even noticing. Hahabananahaha. You can also sneak the name of a fruit into your laugh. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tamthebam Posted September 12, 2019 Share Posted September 12, 2019 12 hours ago, Poet of the Macabre said: Accordion to a recent study, you can easily hide the name of a musical instrument into most sentences, without people even noticing. I had to read that twice and now feel a bit of a tuba. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oscar P Posted September 12, 2019 Share Posted September 12, 2019 12 minutes ago, tamthebam said: I had to read that twice and now feel a bit of a tuba. said tamthebourine 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hearthammer Posted September 12, 2019 Share Posted September 12, 2019 A cymbal Simon mistake 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the tungston weasel Posted September 12, 2019 Share Posted September 12, 2019 This is as painful as when i smashed my harmonicar door 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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