BillyAnchor Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 3 hours ago, NJ2 said: Me and my mates got the same message, we had suspicious minds. But I’ll be honest, it’s always on my mind. Weren’t expecting two were you?! I’ll leave twice, sorry. Thank you very much. Uh huh huh 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 11 hours ago, Spyro said: She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. Now there's a picture I'm going to have trouble getting out of my head! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 10 hours ago, NJ2 said: Me and my mates got the same message, we had suspicious minds. But I’ll be honest, it’s always on my mind. Weren’t expecting two were you?! I’ll leave twice, sorry. Don't leave twice, it's alright. (Oh yes, he did.) 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Diamond Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 Bolton Wanderers reveal their new owner, a local man with a proven capability of bringing a club back to life! Garlic bread will be served instead of pies at half time! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
topcat(The most tip top) Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 Was the english sprinter, Adam Gemelli driving ?? There’s been a fusili puns in this thread but that is particularly silly 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raidernation Posted August 31, 2019 Share Posted August 31, 2019 Should that punchline not be “One man bucket” 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BillyAnchor Posted August 31, 2019 Share Posted August 31, 2019 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sweaty Morph Posted September 1, 2019 Share Posted September 1, 2019 Had the shits all weekend. Thankfully they go back to their mum's after dinner. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Diamond Posted September 4, 2019 Share Posted September 4, 2019 What do they serve for breakfast at that Dignitas place in Switzerland? Cheerios! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Newbornbairn Posted September 5, 2019 Share Posted September 5, 2019 I'm suing Fox Entertainment. They're refusing to pay out on a telephone quiz I won fair and square. They're saying the answer I gave to the final question worth $50 grand was wrong - what do P&Bers think? Question master: "Where is Santa Fe? Me: "The North Pole." 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pozbaird Posted September 5, 2019 Share Posted September 5, 2019 (edited) On 29/08/2019 at 22:19, Spyro said: A German guy approaches a prostitute and says, "I vish to buy sex vit you." "OK" says the girl, "I'll charge £20 an hour." "Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky." "No problem," she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky." So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller. I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs. "The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs to her elbows and knees. "Now you vill get on your hans und knees." She duly does this, balancing on the springs. "You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you." She find this odd, but it's harmless, and after all the guy is paying well. The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has recovered her breath to say: "That was totally amazing, where did you learn how to do that?" "Ah," says the German, "Four-sprung duck technique" Scottish bloke goes to Las Vegas and phones for a hooker to come to his hotel room. The girl knocks at his door, comes into the room, and sees a coffee table set up at the foot of the bed. On the table is an extension socket with the bedside lamp plugged in, but no lampshade, just the bare bulb. Next to the lamp, plugged in is a big electric fan. Finally, sitting on the table are about fifty paper cups filled with water. The hooker asks the guy what it’s all about. He says ‘my fantasy has always been to make love outdoors, but I’ve never had the nerve to actually do it, too scared I’d get discovered and shamed online. I hoped you’d help me create that here, it would really turn me on.’ The girl says ‘well, I’ve been asked to do weirder shit than this, so you’re paying, let’s get on with it...’ The guy strips naked, lies on his back on the bed, and gets her to turn off the lights. He says ‘switch the lamp on and off, really quickly, make it like lightning! - she starts doing it. The guy now says ‘ get the fan blasting cold air at me, full speed, make it like a storm, keep that light flashing!’ The lassie is now slamming the lamp switch on and off with her left foot, holding the fan in her right hand and firing it towards him lying on the bed. The bloke is getting turned on now, he says ‘start throwing the cups of water over me! Make it like a rainstorm, keep the lightning going! Keep that wind blowing! Throw the water! Oh, I’m getting there, nearly there! This goes on for five minutes, the lassie is knackered, fan waving, lamp being stomped on and off, cups of water flying everywhere - she shouts at him.... ‘let’s do it now! Let’s do it now! Let me make love to you!.... The bloke shouts back ‘Are you fcuking kidding? In this weather!?’ Edited September 5, 2019 by pozbaird 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted September 5, 2019 Share Posted September 5, 2019 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BillyAnchor Posted September 6, 2019 Share Posted September 6, 2019 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BillyAnchor Posted September 9, 2019 Share Posted September 9, 2019 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Diamond Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 My girlfriend fell pregnant. But due to personal differences, we hadn’t been sleeping together for at least a year. When I asked for advice from the doc, he said it’s what’s called a “grudge pregnancy” which, he explained, means that someone’s obviously had it in for me. I went to what I thought was a christening but halfway through the service the vicar poured a load of cheap lager over the baby. It turned out that the kid was being fostered 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Curmudgeon Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 On a cold Scottish winter's day a butcher is standing with his arms behind his back in front of a small heater at the back of his shop.A wee old woman shuffles through the door and advances towards the counter."Is that your Ayrshire bacon?" she asks, peering through the glass of the display cabinet."Naw, hen" replies the butcher "It's just mah hauns ah'm heating." 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bold Rover Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 8 minutes ago, Curmudgeon said: On a cold Scottish winter's day a butcher is standing with his arms behind his back in front of a small heater at the back of his shop. A wee old woman shuffles through the door and advances towards the counter. "Is that your Ayrshire bacon?" she asks, peering through the glass of the display cabinet. "Naw, hen" replies the butcher "It's just mah hauns ah'm heating." Old joke but a greenie for the way you told it. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bishop Briggs Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lee Van Tee Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 Amateur actors with limited talent, get paid while you learn to act by getting a job on River City. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arch Stanton Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 Excruciating pun alert... A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller, whose name plate says Patricia Whack "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £50,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty ( as her friend's liked to call her) looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. "Kermit Jagger. My father is Mick Jagger. It will be fine to authorise the loan, I know your manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. "Sure, how about this," said Kermit as he produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. Patty walks into the manager's office and proceeds to tell him, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £50,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."Patty holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone." 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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