deej Posted August 22, 2019 Share Posted August 22, 2019 14 hours ago, Bishop Briggs said: St Johnstone fan takes his new girlfriend and her guardian to their first home game. Definitely an Aberdeen fan. That's not a tractor. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robin.Hood Posted August 22, 2019 Share Posted August 22, 2019 I went to buy some pet bees today, ask the boy for 12 bee's but the boy gave is 13, told him his mistake but he said its OK, that's a freebie 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted August 22, 2019 Share Posted August 22, 2019 I went to buy a suit. The guy asked me, "D'you want buttons on the fly?" I said, "No, I don't mind paying for them." 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zen Archer (Raconteur) Posted August 22, 2019 Share Posted August 22, 2019 Boris Johnson went to Burtons, he asked an assistant 'Do you have a suit to fit me?' 'I fucking hope not' was the reply. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ICTJohnboy Posted August 22, 2019 Share Posted August 22, 2019 On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, “We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through”. So the good wife went out and moved her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through”. The good wife went out and moved her car again. The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park….” Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, “I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?” Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, “Why don’t you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time”? 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kennysmassiveego Posted August 23, 2019 Share Posted August 23, 2019 According to Tetley , the best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag . So every morning I slap her arse and day “ two sugars fatty “ 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LincolnHearts Posted August 23, 2019 Share Posted August 23, 2019 After dropping my new girlfriend off at home once we'd had our first date the other night, she informed me that I'd have to wait 6 months before she'd suck my cock. Told her that I totally understood and respected her decision and that I would ring her nearer the time. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kennysmassiveego Posted August 26, 2019 Share Posted August 26, 2019 The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst . So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BillyAnchor Posted August 27, 2019 Share Posted August 27, 2019 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ebanda's Handyman Services Posted August 27, 2019 Share Posted August 27, 2019 Sir Ian Wilmut, the scientist who cloned Dolly the sheep successfully made a clone of himself and took it down the pub to show off. The clone goes up to the bar and shouts, "Hoi! Big milky-titted barmaid, get me a pint!" The clone gets his pint and swaggers across the pub, pinching women's arses, giving their boobs a wee jiggle and saying filthy suggestions to them on the way back to Sir Ian, who is sitting there thoroughly embarrassed. Sir Ian decides there and then to do away with his creation and leads him up to the highest building he can see and pushes it off the edge. Sir Ian gets back down to the bottom and is swiftly huckled by the police. "I suppose I'll be doing life for murder." he says, resigned to his fate. "No" the policeman says, "We're arresting you on suspicion of making an obscene clone fall." 15 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IainMorton Posted August 28, 2019 Share Posted August 28, 2019 What’s the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom? One snatches your watch, the other watches your snatch. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Poet of the Macabre Posted August 28, 2019 Share Posted August 28, 2019 Girl I'm seeing didn't believe I could build a car out of just macaroni and spaghetti. Should have seen her face when I drove pasta. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
philpy Posted August 28, 2019 Share Posted August 28, 2019 Girl I'm seeing didn't believe I could build a car out of just macaroni and spaghetti. Should have seen her face when I drove pasta.Just don't crash it. You don't want an al dente. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AL-FFC Posted August 29, 2019 Share Posted August 29, 2019 Don't know if this is a Scam or not but I just got a text saying I’ve won £250 or two tickets to an Elvis Presley tribute night... It said Press 1 for the money or 2 for the Show 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oscar P Posted August 29, 2019 Share Posted August 29, 2019 20 hours ago, Poet of the Macabre said: Girl I'm seeing didn't believe I could build a car out of just macaroni and spaghetti. Should have seen her face when I drove pasta. Will it help you reduce your carbonara footprint? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AL-FFC Posted August 29, 2019 Share Posted August 29, 2019 Someone knocked on my door dressed up as Gloria Gaynor...at first I was afraid; I was petrified... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hearthammer Posted August 29, 2019 Share Posted August 29, 2019 4 minutes ago, Oscar P said: Will it help you reduce your carbonara footprint? Was the english sprinter, Adam Gemelli driving ?? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spyro Posted August 29, 2019 Share Posted August 29, 2019 A German guy approaches a prostitute and says, "I vish to buy sex vit you." "OK" says the girl, "I'll charge £20 an hour." "Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky." "No problem," she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky." So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller. I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs. "The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs to her elbows and knees. "Now you vill get on your hans und knees." She duly does this, balancing on the springs. "You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you." She find this odd, but it's harmless, and after all the guy is paying well. The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has recovered her breath to say: "That was totally amazing, where did you learn how to do that?" "Ah," says the German, "Four-sprung duck technique" 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NJ2 Posted August 29, 2019 Share Posted August 29, 2019 Don't know if this is a Scam or not but I just got a text saying I’ve won £250 or two tickets to an Elvis Presley tribute night... It said Press 1 for the money or 2 for the ShowMe and my mates got the same message, we had suspicious minds. But I’ll be honest, it’s always on my mind. Weren’t expecting two were you?! I’ll leave twice, sorry. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arch Stanton Posted August 29, 2019 Share Posted August 29, 2019 What do call a Judge with no thumbs? Spoiler Justice Fingers 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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