The Minertaur Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 30 minutes ago, LeeVanTeeth said: Jeremy Kyle, 4 kids, an addiction issue and unemployed. Can anyone recommend a TV show to help him? The Scheme? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RawB93 Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 On 20/03/2019 at 15:10, GordonD said: Guy goes into the chemist's and says, "Can you make me something up?" The chemist says, "Lorraine Kelly was in here a minute ago - you just missed her!" "Is that right?" says the guy. The chemist says, "No, I just made it up!" You can tell you're into Minions tbh 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kennysmassiveego Posted May 18, 2019 Share Posted May 18, 2019 My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that “help” get an erection You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills I’m still looking for a place to live ..... 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevinffc Posted May 18, 2019 Share Posted May 18, 2019 . 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kennysmassiveego Posted May 20, 2019 Share Posted May 20, 2019 I was in the pub with my mate a few weeks ago when 4 big bast””ds started getting mouthy with us “ quick pretend we’re the police “ my mate said We only got through the first two lines of Roxanne before they kicked the absolute sh1t our of us 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IainMorton Posted May 20, 2019 Share Posted May 20, 2019 Asked my boss what to do with a 6 metre roll of bubble wrap and he told me “just pop it in the corner”. Took me four hours!! 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kennysmassiveego Posted May 23, 2019 Share Posted May 23, 2019 Ladbrokes are offering 4/1 on Niki Lauda surviving the cremation 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nsr Posted May 23, 2019 Share Posted May 23, 2019 Stolen from somewhere, possibly Mock the Week: "If an apple a day keeps a regular doctor away, how many apples would you have needed to defeat Harold Shipman?" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clockwork Posted May 24, 2019 Share Posted May 24, 2019 Wifie complains to her husband that she wishes that she had bigger Tits! Bloke says ‘why don’t you try rubbing paper between them’? ‘Do you really think that will do the trick’ she asks? He replies...’well it worked on yer fuckin arse’!! 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LincolnHearts Posted May 28, 2019 Share Posted May 28, 2019 Paddy shouts frantically down the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only 2 minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" Asks the operator. "No," shouts Paddy."This is her husband." 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AL-FFC Posted May 28, 2019 Share Posted May 28, 2019 Paddy tells his wife "my bumhole is really burning and i've no idea what it is" "ring sting" his wife says Paddy replies "how the f**k will he know" 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kennysmassiveego Posted May 31, 2019 Share Posted May 31, 2019 I mistakenly drank some TippEx instead of my liquid viagra I ended up with a huge correction 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buchan30 Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 Ikea now has a pharmacy department.I got a suppository from there the other day and had to put it up myself 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FairyBaws Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 Scotsman, Englishman, Irishman are captured by a jungle tribe. Chief says you must go out and collect ten of the same fruit. Irishman returns with ten apples, and the chief says right stick them up your arse and if you don’t flinch you will live. He gets about 2 in and yelps. So the tribe kill him and eat him. The Scotsman returns with 10 blueberries, he gets told the same. He gets 8 blueberries in when he bursts out laughing. So he is killed and eaten. In heaven the Irishman says what happened, you were so close. Scotsman says I saw the Englishman coming back with 10 pineapples. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cerberus Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 Comedy isn’t for everyone. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FairyBaws Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 ^^^^verge of tears after getting booed off at the stand 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bishop Briggs Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 A candidate for the Democratic Party's Presidential nomination, pictured with his latest business venture, looks familiar. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
welshbairn Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 Comedy isn't for everyone. -1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bishopburn boy Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 1 hour ago, Bishop Briggs said: A candidate for the Democratic Party's Presidential nomination, pictured with his latest business venture, looks familiar. Alfred e Neuman ? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hedgecutter Posted June 5, 2019 Share Posted June 5, 2019 Two men from a country west of England and east of the U.S. are examining a flag pole. Man #1: How tall is that pole? Man #2: Dunno, let's get it down on it's side and we can measure the length of it with my measuring tape. Man #1: Did you not hear me? I was asking how tall it is, not how long. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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