tamthebam Posted February 20, 2018 Share Posted February 20, 2018 At the Winter Olympics Posh Spice's hairdresser has won gold for the skeleton bob... 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Herman Hessian Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 On 2/14/2018 at 11:17, G_Man1985 said: Asked the Mrs what she wants for Valentines. She said "give you a clue. Ex England goalie". She's expecting Flowers. She's getting Seaman. couple of suggestions if I may - perhaps "Harts and Flowers" ? and there's a place in here for Jimmy Rimmer somewhere.... 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IainMorton Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 ^^^ reminds me of... When David Beckham scores, he drinks Becks. When Kenny Miller scores, he drinks Miller. Bet you David Seaman is relieved he is a goalkeeper. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted February 28, 2018 Share Posted February 28, 2018 Paddy went into the confessional and said to his priest, “I almost had an affair with another woman.” The priest said, “What do you mean, almost?” Paddy said, “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.” The priest said, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put €50 in the poor box.” Paddy left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, “I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!” Paddy replied, “Yeah, but I rubbed the €50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!” 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeWhoWalksBehindTheRows Posted February 28, 2018 Share Posted February 28, 2018 What's the best type of sweetie to eat if you have a cold? A chew. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IainMorton Posted February 28, 2018 Share Posted February 28, 2018 My girlfriend has done nothing but stare through our living room all day while it snows outside. If it gets any worse, I’ll need to let her inside. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eednud Posted February 28, 2018 Share Posted February 28, 2018 Question: How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Answer: Pop it in the microwave, until its bill withers! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tamthebam Posted March 1, 2018 Share Posted March 1, 2018 14 hours ago, Eednud said: Question: How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Answer: Pop it in the microwave, until its bill withers! It was going to be a lovely day until I read that. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Mantis Posted March 1, 2018 Share Posted March 1, 2018 This guy is involved in a horrendous car crash and comes out of a coma 5 days later. The consultant explains to him what happened etc then says, “I have to break the news to you - your dick came off in the crash. However there is a bit of good news. We expect you will get compensation in the region of £30000. We can now offer a dick replacement at £3000 per inch. So if you had a 10 incher before, you could replace the whole lot. Or maybe you only had 5 inches before so you could keep half the money. You need to discuss it with your wife so the two of you are happy.” Next day the guy is back at the consultant. ”So, have you and your wife reached a decision?” ”Aye, we’re getting a feckin new kitchen.” 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
19QOS19 Posted March 1, 2018 Share Posted March 1, 2018 I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster. But if anything, it's only made him more sluggish. 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Granny Danger Posted March 1, 2018 Share Posted March 1, 2018 18 hours ago, Eednud said: Question: How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Answer: Pop it in the microwave, until its bill withers! Just told my wife that joke (after asking her if she knew who Bill Withers was; she did, I didn’t). She listened to the punchline stoney faced then said after a few seconds, “we’ve not had duck for ages”. She’s correct, we haven’t. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
welshbairn Posted March 1, 2018 Share Posted March 1, 2018 Doctor, Doctor, I've had an erection for a fortnight and it won't go down. Sit in a cold bath until you're Googie Withers. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sergeant Wilson Posted March 1, 2018 Share Posted March 1, 2018 2 hours ago, welshbairn said: Doctor, Doctor, I've had an erection for a fortnight and it won't go down. Sit in a cold bath until you're Googie Withers. Jokes like that should be kept Within These Walls. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Newbornbairn Posted March 2, 2018 Share Posted March 2, 2018 16 hours ago, Granny Danger said: Just told my wife that joke (after asking her if she knew who Bill Withers was; she did, I didn’t). She listened to the punchline stoney faced then said after a few seconds, “we’ve not had duck for ages”. She’s correct, we haven’t. You might want to get your ears syringed 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Granny Danger Posted March 2, 2018 Share Posted March 2, 2018 43 minutes ago, NewBornBairn said: You might want to get your ears syringed There’s that too! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HenryHill Posted March 2, 2018 Share Posted March 2, 2018 I don't have much time for the FBI or CIA, but its MI6 that really bugs me. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Funky Nosejob Posted March 2, 2018 Share Posted March 2, 2018 A bloke wanders into the pub toilets, walks up to the guy at the first urinal, taps him on the shoulder and asks, “V D?”. The guy turns around and punches him in disgust. The bloke then stumbles up to the guy at the second urinal, taps him on the shoulder and groans, “V D?”. That guy turns round angrily and knees him in the groin. The bloke staggers over to the guy at the third urinal, taps him on the shoulder and mumbles, “V D?”. “Yes”, he replies. “Great, you’re next up on the pool table”. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted March 2, 2018 Share Posted March 2, 2018 An explosion killed a wild-living navy boiler man and he found himself in hell. Being used to stoking fires and extremely hot temperatures, he found hell actually quite comfortable. When Satan went to check out the new arrival, he found him sitting in his room smiling. “You like this?” Satan asked. “Yes, sir,” said the sailor, “this feels like a spring day to me.” Not wanting the new guy to be too comfortable, Satan turned up the heat a bit. When he went back the next day to see how his new arrival was doing, the sailor was still happy; he hadn’t even broken a sweat. “I like this kind of weather,” he told Satan. For the next few days, Satan turned up the heat more and more, but each day the sailor looked as comfortable as ever. By Sunday, Satan decided to try something different. Rather than turn up the heat even more, he turned it off and turned on the air conditioning. Icicles formed in the sailor’s room! When he checked on the guy, the room was icy and he was shivering, but he had a grin from ear to ear, bigger than ever. Satan was exasperated! “Why are YOU so happy?” he demanded from the sailor. “It’s FREEZING in here!” “Well, I’m from Leith,” said the sailor, “and evidently Hibs have won the Scottish Cup!” 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
welshbairn Posted March 2, 2018 Share Posted March 2, 2018 He was from Denver, fool. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Kincardine Posted March 2, 2018 Share Posted March 2, 2018 On 3/1/2018 at 13:45, tamthebam said: It was going to be a lovely day until I read that. ISWYDT 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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