The joke thread: a thread for camaraderie and hilarity

[welshbairn]

A cannibal goes up to a paedo at the beach and says "will you get out of my lunch please?"

[Fae_the_'briggs]

I was out for a stroll along a quiet path this morning when a smart female jogger ran past me. About thirty yards past me she started to stagger about then she collapsed. When I got to her she was out cold so I decided to try and resuscitate her. I loosened some of her tight clothing, put my lips to hers and breathed in and out. After about thirty seconds she came round and sat up. "What are you doing" she asked. "Trying to resuscitate you" replies I. " But you're supposed to blow in my mouth lips not my pussy lips" she said.  I replied "I don't know why you're making such a fuss, it fucking worked didn't it."

[Cardinal Richelieu]

What did the slug say to the snail?

Big Issue sir?

[DI Bruce Robertson]

Why was Jeffrey Dahmers penis frost-bitten?

Cos he always had head in the fridge.

[stimpy]

Baby polar bear says to his sister
"Am I pure polar bear?"
"Of course you are"
"No but really, really polar bear?"
"I said yes, go ask mum if you're no happy"
So off he goes to mum.
"Mum am I pure polar bear?"
"Of course you are"
"No but really really polar bear?"
"I told you you were no stop bothering me and go harass your dad"
So off he goes to see his dad.
"Dad am I pure polar bear?"
"Of course you are son"
"No but really really polar bear?"
"Yes, really really"
"Aye but there's no grizzly bear or brown bear in the family?"
"No, you're pure polar bear right back"
"But dad......"
"Listen son I've told you you're pure polar bear now what the hell is the matter?"



"I'm fuckin' freezin'"

[GordonD]

My dad used to work in a clock factory. He would sit in the corner making faces.

[JustOneCornetto]

A renowned philosopher was held in high regard by his driver, who listened in awe as his boss lectured and answered difficult questions about the nature of things and the meaning of life.

Then one day the driver asked the philosopher if he was willing to swap places for just one evening. The philosopher agreed and for a while the driver handled himself remarkably well. However when it came to question time someone at the back asked him 'Is the epistemological meta-narrative that you seem to espouse compatible with the teleological account of the Universe?'

'That's an extremely simple question',  he replied, 'so simple,in fact. that even my driver could answer it'.

[stimpy]

My dad used to work in a clock factory. He would sit in the corner making faces.

Have you heard of a gent with a wooden leg named Smith?

[johnnydun]

Why did the baker have smelly fingers?

Spoiler

He was kneading a shite.

 

[Bold Rover]

46 minutes ago, JustOneCornetto said:

A renowned philosopher was held in high regard by his driver, who listened in awe as his boss lectured and answered difficult questions about the nature of things and the meaning of life.

Then one day the driver asked the philosopher if he was willing to swap places for just one evening. The philosopher agreed and for a while the driver handled himself remarkably well. However when it came to question time someone at the back asked him 'Is the epistemological meta-narrative that you seem to espouse compatible with the teleological account of the Universe?'

'That's an extremely simple question',  he replied, 'so simple,in fact. that even my driver could answer it'.

What did the first philosophy graduate say to the second philosophy graduate?

[JustOneCornetto]

52 minutes ago, Bold Rover said:

What did the first philosophy graduate say to the second philosophy graduate?

First graduate 'For every philosopher there exists an equal and opposite philosopher'

Second graduate 'You're wrong'

[Bold Rover]

1 hour ago, Bold Rover said:

What did the first philosophy graduate say to the second philosophy graduate?

 

1 hour ago, JustOneCornetto said:

First graduate 'For every philosopher there exists an equal and opposite philosopher'

Second graduate 'You're wrong'

He said: "Big Mac, please."

[Ebanda's Handyman Services]

Terry the turnip and Colin the carrot were out mountain biking when Colin lost control and crashed over a 100ft cliff.

The air ambulance took them to the hospital and poor Terry had a long, anxious wait before the surgeon finally came out and said, "Terry, I have good news and bad news."

"The good news is that Colin is still alive."

"What's the bad news?" Terry asked.

"He'll spend the rest of his life as a vegetable."

[GordonD]

Scientists at Edinburgh University have released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoeostrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. 

To test the theory, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a 1-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1.) Gained weight 
2.) Talked excessively without making sense 
3.) Became overly emotional 
4.) Couldn't drive 
5.) Failed to think rationally 
6.) Argued over nothing 
7.) Had to sit down while urinating 
8.) Refused to apologise when obviously wrong

[Fae_the_'briggs]

A girl brings her boyfriend home to meet her parents for the first time. After about half an hour of embarrassing chit-chat and questioning the parents decide to leave the young couple alone in the living room but leave the door slightly open so they could secretly keep a eye on what was going on. After a couple of minutes the boy and girl started to kiss. "He's started kissing her" the dad reports to the mother. "Well we did that when we started going out" said his wife. "Dirty b*****ds feeling her tits now" the dad reports. "You had a feel of mine on our first date too" said the wife. " Now the dirty b*****ds got his hand up her skirt and she's starting to toss him off" the angry dad tells his wife. " We got up to that too" she replied. The dad goes back for another fly look. "Dirty manky b*****d" he says, " I certainly didn't do that in your parents house". "What's he doing now" asks his wife. " He's wiping his cock on the fuckin curtains"

[GordonD]

[philpy]

Easter Sunday, Jesus is nailed to cross. He says to one of the disciples, "get my wallet, and sort out the wages", the disciple says, "Jesus , there's hardly any money here, whats happened?? Jesus replied - "I got hammered with tax"

[TheCelt67]

What happened to the guy who ate far too much stone fruit?

He farted a peach.

[The DA]

On 2/3/2017 at 20:53, Wilkinson1998 said:

Why will you never see Satan in an Armani suit? The Devil Wears Prada
 

I reddied this for lameness in March but, looking at some of the jokes above, I repent and have evened things out.

[johnnydun]

2 elderly women are sitting on a park bench, enjoying the sun. When all of a sudden a flasher runs past! 

One of the women had a stroke,

the other couldn't quite reach!