Rudolph Hucker Posted January 7, 2016 Share Posted January 7, 2016 Two goldfish in a tank. One says to the other, "Can you drive this thing?" Two trout swimming up a loch and they come to a concrete wall.. They look at each other and say "Dam!!" -2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unleash The Nade Posted January 7, 2016 Share Posted January 7, 2016 What's the difference between a nun and a prostitute in a bath? One has a soul full of hope 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
topcat(The most tip top) Posted January 7, 2016 Share Posted January 7, 2016 What do you call a lot here foot tall Jamaican Gangster? A yardie 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rudolph Hucker Posted January 7, 2016 Share Posted January 7, 2016 A man with no legs was thrown out of the cinema for standing on the seats. As he waited at the bus stop a pal came along and asked him how he was getting on. Eventually he got two wooden legs, but they caught fire and he burned to the ground. He tried to claim for replacements on his house insurance but he didn't have a leg to stand on and was eventually charged with arsin'. -2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fide Posted January 8, 2016 Share Posted January 8, 2016 Which cheese can you use to get a bear out of a cave? Come on bear What cheese do you use to hide a horse? Mask a pony. Also - What do you call a train that doesn't stop at any stations? Thomas the c**t. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fide Posted January 8, 2016 Share Posted January 8, 2016 (edited) I actually have about a billion of these fuckers.. Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for Christmas. He says it's the most violent book he's ever read. What's got 3 heads, 8 legs and a pair of wings? A man on a horse holding a budgie. What's six inches long and starts with a "p"? A shite. What's the difference between a Lamborghini Gallardo and a dead prostitute? I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage. Apologies to all. Edited January 8, 2016 by Fide 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fide Posted January 8, 2016 Share Posted January 8, 2016 Please stop. Sorry. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
throbber Posted January 8, 2016 Share Posted January 8, 2016 A duck walks into a library and asks, "Got any duck food?" The librarian replies, "Ha, no, I'm sorry, this is a library, there's a garden centre just up the road though, they might have some" The next day the duck walks into the same library and asks, "Got any duck food?" "No, I told you yesterday - this is a library." The next day the duck walks into the same library and asks, "Got any duck food?" "Look, I've told you no twice already - if you ask me one more time then I'm gonna nail your f***in' beak to this f***in' desk, you got that?!" The third day the duck walks into the same library and asks,"Got any nails?" "Nails? Erm, no!" "Good. Got any duck food?" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unleash The Nade Posted January 8, 2016 Share Posted January 8, 2016 What do you call a bear without a paw? Paddington the b*****d 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richie95 Posted January 8, 2016 Share Posted January 8, 2016 What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway). 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zen Archer (Raconteur) Posted January 8, 2016 Share Posted January 8, 2016 What do you call a man with no arms? Shitey arse. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fide Posted January 8, 2016 Share Posted January 8, 2016 A lorry driver from Glasgow is taking a consignment of penguins to Edinburgh Zoo. Just outside Glasgow his lorry breaks down. A passing fellow lorry driver asks if he can help. "Certainly can" says the first guy "I'll give you £100 if you can take these penguins to Edinburgh Zoo." So off his pals goes with the penguins. A few hours later, his lorry fixed, the first guy heads over to Edinburgh when he sees, walking down Princes Street, his pal, a penguin in each hand and 18 penguins behind him. "The f**k are you doing? I gave you £100 to take these penguins to Edinburgh Zoo!!" "We've been" the second guy says "I've still got £40 left, I'm taking them to the cinema" I thangyew. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnnydun Posted January 8, 2016 Share Posted January 8, 2016 Heard about the Oasis soup? You get a roll with it. Why did the baker have smelly fingers? He was kneading a shite. What do you do if you have a trumpet groing in your garden? Root it oot. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnnydun Posted January 8, 2016 Share Posted January 8, 2016 Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil. Two dyslexic plumbers, one says "can you smell gas?" The other replies "smell gas? I cant even smell my own name". 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eednud Posted January 9, 2016 Share Posted January 9, 2016 What did the French yachtsman say when his mast snapped in a storm? Sailor vie. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richie95 Posted January 9, 2016 Share Posted January 9, 2016 Don't trust people that do acupuncture, they're back stabbers. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnnydun Posted January 9, 2016 Share Posted January 9, 2016 Hear about the drug dealer in Aberdeen? Tried to sell Ken-fit-ah-mean. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnnydun Posted January 9, 2016 Share Posted January 9, 2016 There is a new film about constipation, they are just waiting on a release date. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnnydun Posted January 9, 2016 Share Posted January 9, 2016 A boy in Perth is taking his driving test, The instructor asks if he can make a U-turn? The boy replies "No but I can make a Rams eyes water!" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richie95 Posted January 9, 2016 Share Posted January 9, 2016 Did use know that Demi Moore used have a sister? She was called Not Any 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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