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The joke thread: a thread for camaraderie and hilarity


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A man with no legs was thrown out of the cinema for standing on the seats.

As he waited at the bus stop a pal came along and asked him how he was getting on.

Eventually he got two wooden legs, but they caught fire and he burned to the ground.

He tried to claim for replacements on his house insurance but he didn't have a leg to stand on and was eventually charged with arsin'.

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Which cheese can you use to get a bear out of a cave?

Come on bear

What cheese do you use to hide a horse?

Mask a pony.

Also -

What do you call a train that doesn't stop at any stations?

Thomas the c**t.

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I actually have about a billion of these fuckers..

Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for Christmas. He says it's the most violent book he's ever read.

What's got 3 heads, 8 legs and a pair of wings? A man on a horse holding a budgie.

What's six inches long and starts with a "p"? A shite.

What's the difference between a Lamborghini Gallardo and a dead prostitute? I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.

Apologies to all.

Edited by Fide
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A duck walks into a library and asks, "Got any duck food?"

The librarian replies, "Ha, no, I'm sorry, this is a library, there's a garden centre just up the road though, they might have some"

The next day the duck walks into the same library and asks, "Got any duck food?"

"No, I told you yesterday - this is a library."

The next day the duck walks into the same library and asks, "Got any duck food?"

"Look, I've told you no twice already - if you ask me one more time then I'm gonna nail your f***in' beak to this f***in' desk, you got that?!"

The third day the duck walks into the same library and asks,"Got any nails?"

"Nails? Erm, no!"

"Good. Got any duck food?"

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A lorry driver from Glasgow is taking a consignment of penguins to Edinburgh Zoo. Just outside Glasgow his lorry breaks down. A passing fellow lorry driver asks if he can help. "Certainly can" says the first guy "I'll give you £100 if you can take these penguins to Edinburgh Zoo."

So off his pals goes with the penguins.

A few hours later, his lorry fixed, the first guy heads over to Edinburgh when he sees, walking down Princes Street, his pal, a penguin in each hand and 18 penguins behind him. "The f**k are you doing? I gave you £100 to take these penguins to Edinburgh Zoo!!"

"We've been" the second guy says "I've still got £40 left, I'm taking them to the cinema"

I thangyew.

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