Steaming Stories

[DA Baracus]

I shat myself a few years back. I wasn’t even that drunk.

I had been feeling a bit dodgy in the guts for the whole day, but nothing major. Went out for some beers, and folk decided to go to a club, but I thought better and went home. It was about a half hour walk back. Halfway back I felt it; a terrible rumbling in the guts that sent my sphincter all a quiver. It got worse and the urge to shite grew stronger and stronger with each step. I was doing a strange sort of hobble that was designed to allow me to walk as fast as I could without shitting myself but whilst holding it in. It was a bit like the way the hunchback in 300 walks. My mind flipped between thinking I was going to make it to the utter dread that I wasn’t. I managed to actually get in the front door and lock it before my arse collapsed. It was rather liquidy (between a 6 and 7 on the Bristol stool chart) and it dripped out of the bottom of my trousers. Luckily the hallway and bathroom floors were wooden with no carpets. I shamefully cleaned myself up, binning the underwear and trousers (wrapped in multiple plastic bags). I mopped the floor as well to remove all evidence.

[Karpaty]

We lost 7-1 at Queen of the South and I was too rubber so left after the 4th went in. Staggered to the main entrance saying I'm waiting for John Brown to appear, almost getting arrested as I wasn't for moving. Leaving eventually as I didn't want a weekend in Dumfries, I walked up the main stretch of road outside the ground and the team bus went past and stopped at traffic lights. Cue me throwing my scarf at the bus, hurling abuse at the players and offering the whole team a square go. Thankfully none obliged as they'd have ripped me to shreads.

Think I was 17 at the time.

[Adrian Madaschi]

I got spiked in a pub off Trongate called "the spirit" by an old guy called "Seccy". He told me his name was Seccy because he used to hang around secondary schools to pick up girls (if this wasn't already a redlight to run away)

He kept on buying me and a girl I was with drinks and when we refused he and his pals would offer me a square go. We were then joined by them as they took turns to get fired into the girl I was with, one of them even going to a shop in the Barras to buy her a keyring with a wee converse shoe on it.

We managed to bail soon after that but walking down Argyle street it was obvious it wasn't just Vodkas he gave us as we were both tripping out our tits.

I never saw that girl for much longer after I almost got her groomed by suggesting "this place doesn't look too bad".

[bhoy who invented weetabix]

I was violently sick right in the middle of the minutes silence for Princess Diana before the Scotland game at Pittodrie the day after her funeral having over indulged during a night out in the Granite City the previous evening

[DA Baracus]

I was violently sick right in the middle of the minutes silence for Princess Diana before the Scotland game at Pittodrie the day after her funeral having over indulged during a night out in the Granite City the previous evening

To be fair the outpouring of faux grief and sycophancy would be enough to make anyone sick.

[Shandon Par]

At one party I bowed out after we played flaming frisbee (we doused a frisbee in lighter fluid then set it on fire).

Must be something in the water in our corner of Fife. I also enjoyed dousing a frisbee (or more accurately, Aerobie) in petrol and flinging it at folk. That and having battles with black widow catapults. The simple country life.

[KnightswoodBear]

I managed to actually get in the front door and lock it before my arse collapsed.

Locking it was your first mistake. Probably wouldn't have shat yourself if you'd just opened it.

[DA Baracus]

Locking it was your first mistake. Probably wouldn't have shat yourself if you'd just opened it.

I did open it

[DA Baracus]

Must be something in the water in our corner of Fife. I also enjoyed dousing a frisbee (or more accurately, Aerobie) in petrol and flinging it at folk. That and having battles with black widow catapults. The simple country life.

This did happen in the country (Saline)

[Sweet Pete]

Must be something in the water in our corner of Fife. I also enjoyed dousing a frisbee (or more accurately, Aerobie) in petrol and flinging it at folk. That and having battles with black widow catapults. The simple country life.

Used to do that as a lad down on Tain links. We'd get fishing weights from the ironmongers and fire them at each other. It's a wonder we never killed ourselves. It was on one of those days that we discovered that if you fire a penny from a black widow it makes a terrifying, ominous whistling sound as it flies.

ETA: Isn't Team Squirrel from your neck of the woods as well? Pretty much the definition of bored country lads.

[KnightswoodBear]

I did open it

f**k. That's what I get for being a smart arse.

[Andy_K_97]

I forgot about this one until today. A few years ago when I was about 19/20 my mate had an empty, so we all fired round and got pished. At the time we had a drinking game where if one person put their left thumb onto their forehead then everyone else had to do the same and the last person to do it had to tan the rest of their drink. About maybe half past nine we had the first incidence of this, with one of the guys being forced to drink half a bottle of buckfast very quickly. It's probably worth noting that said fella had been at the pub since 4PM and the party started at 8. Only half an hour later the same trick was pulled, with him only just having cracked open another bottle of the wreck the hoose juice. What followed wasn't pretty - crimson-coloured vomit. He somehow recovered to manage to have a nude wrestling match with one of the guys (knocking over the memorial stone to my mate's dead dog) before putting his clothes back on and going to be even more sick in the toilet, where he tried to re-consume remnants of his Chinese that he'd had for dinner.

Needless to say he politely declined our invitation to go to the pub on the Saturday evening, having had a trainwreck of a Friday.

[Shandon Par]

Used to do that as a lad down on Tain links. We'd get fishing weights from the ironmongers and fire them at each other. It's a wonder we never killed ourselves. It was on one of those days that we discovered that if you fire a penny from a black widow it makes a terrifying, ominous whistling sound as it flies.

ETA: Isn't Team Squirrel from your neck of the woods as well? Pretty much the definition of bored country lads.

Ballbearings and marbles were ideal as they wouldn't cut the rubber. Some boy's mum once appeared at my door moaning to my mum about me having shot her precious wee boy. It was him or me but I was on higher ground and felled him with a marble to the chest from about 100 yards away.

Yes, don't know who they are but those squirrel boys appear to be from around the same corner of Fife near Dunfermline.

[DA Baracus]

We used to have a big party at a mate’s house every year on the 1^st of January (his birthday).

One year one of the guys decided to try alcohol for the very first time.

He tanned a whole host of drinks, including downing cans of Guinness in a oner as well as a bottle of energy juice. He ended up absolutely fucking mental, and actually started doing cartwheels and somersaults around the place, before asking everyone if they would ‘merge’ with him, including his own reflection in the glass of the back door.

The crash/comedown was brutal for the poor laddie. He declared all of sudden that he wasn’t feeling too well, so had a basin of water beside him in the upstairs ‘crash out room’. He also started shivering a lot, and so had a blanket wrapped around him. He spewed in to the basin, then dipped his glass back in and drank watery spew. It was fucking vile. He was in some state, but eventually passed out, and woke up feeling ‘fine except for a bad headache’. Ended getting a lift home from his maw, who stopped to pick up a random because the buses weren’t running.

The same party, a few years later, we had one of those electric shock games (the one where everyone puts their finger on a pad and someone, at random, gets a small shock). As the night progressed tongues were introduced, and eventually the tip of the boaby (between me and you it was actually slightly pleasureable). After the boabys, we decided to pull a cruel trick on a poor fellow and got him to stick his tongue on one of the pads, which was previously slathered with boaby. And he got a shock.

[DA Baracus]

Ballbearings and marbles were ideal as they wouldn't cut the rubber. Some boy's mum once appeared at my door moaning to my mum about me having shot her precious wee boy. It was him or me but I was on higher ground and felled him with a marble to the chest from about 100 yards away.

Yes, don't know who they are but those squirrel boys appear to be from around the same corner of Fife near Dunfermline.

Were they not from Cairneyhill?

[Sweet Pete]

Ballbearings and marbles were ideal as they wouldn't cut the rubber. Some boy's mum once appeared at my door moaning to my mum about me having shot her precious wee boy. It was him or me but I was on higher ground and felled him with a marble to the chest from about 100 yards away.

Yes, don't know who they are but those squirrel boys appear to be from around the same corner of Fife near Dunfermline.

They're from Cairneyhill as I recall.

[Sweet Pete]

The TS website is still live after all this time! It's very dated mind.

Here's Caprice in a Pars jacket.

[Lisa Cuddy]

Away game at Peterhead.

Bus has a comfort stop in Auchterarder. Some refreshments had been consumed. As I was walking away from the bus in the village centre car park there were two lady pensioners in a Micra who were a bit distressed as they'd hit a pheasant on the A9 and it had stuck in the front grille. Being the gentleman that I am, I volunteered to free their car from the bird. Having done this I moved merrily to the hotel across the road for a drink and was unable to fathom why exactly people were pointing and laughing at me (more than usual).

Having used the hour stop for a pint or two, I was making my way back to the bus in the car park when another bus arrived. I noticed an elderly Japanese couple about to exit the bus, and, buoyed with my current status as 'friend of the pensioner' I bowed solemnly to them as they set foot on the tarmac and said 'Konichiwa! Welcome to Scotland!' Behind them the rest of the bus piled out looking bemused.

None of them were Japanese, it was a tour bus from Linlithgow. That, and the fact that I'd slung the dead pheasant over my shoulder an hour ago on the basis of looking for a bin to put it in and forgotten it was there explained the strange looks I'd been getting.

There is a photo somewhere, but it's a while ago and I think it was on Bebo. Thankfully.

Was that the same trip you left the wife in Peterhead?

[11thHour]

My mate shat himself in the middle of the street in Edinburgh. We managed to get him compus enough to stagger back to the train station, but by this time he had spewed down himself. One of the lads stood up to the plate and took him to the toilet to try and clean him up a bit. After 5, maybe ten minutes he came back out saying he needed a hand so I said I'd give it a bash but by time we got back to the toilet he was sitting on the toilet just being sick all over himself and I think he may have shat himself again. So we just left him be, mate managed to get into his pocket for his phone to phone his dad to pick him up at queen street. Few of us had to carry him through queen street to the street outside.

[RadgerTheBadger]

I once had a spur of the moment night out after work one Friday. The usual happened with not having anything to eat before I started drinking so got drunk very quickly.

A few of us headed into Rose Street. We went to a few pubs along there and vaguely remember taking a bite out of a hamburger supper before flinging it against a shop window saying they were shite while telling everyone who I past I didn't enjoy my supper, I digress. Anyway I got back home and just finding my key then felt the sudden urge for a pish so cue the inevitable loads off change after a session intertwined with my keys and dropping them on the path so nothing else for it I had to go for a pish in the garden.

Next morning I woke up, absolutely hanging. A few hours later this slight smell started and thought "what the fucks that?" Checked my jeans incase I pished myself, nope bone dry. Thought the dog might've pished the floor, not that either. Too hungover to worry about it I spent the rest off the day and night in bed being too tired to stay awake but too hungover too sleep.

Next day feeling a wee bit better but the smell stronger than before I was at a loss to what it was, got a febreez type spray thing and doused the curtains, carpet the lot and opened the window and couldn't smell it anymore.

Next day, Monday morning I'm getting ready for work I goes to put my shoes on and boom!! I'd only gon and went for a pish in my work shoe on the Friday night!!