Jump to content

Alex Salmond Heads Down to London - June 2016


RedRob72

Recommended Posts

It’s June 2016, Alex Salmond is in a buoyant mood after securing his position as Head of the Independent Scottish Government in the recent General Election. He is heading down to London with his trusty steed Nicola Sturgeon for his first meeting with Mark Carney, The Governor of the Bank of England.

It’s a warm exchange all round as they are ushered into the Governor’s office.

MC “Good morning Alex, Nicola it’s good to see you again, congratulations on the election result, how are things going?’’

AS “Aye very good thanks, just looking forward to really getting started now’’

MC “Excellent, so what can I do for you this morning”?

AS “ Well one of the first things we want to do is complete the M90 project from Perth to Inverness, it’s a b*****d trying to get up there in the Winter, and the people of the North East have been waiting far too long to have this sorted”

MC “Sounds fair enough, but hadn’t you already ring fenced funding for this scheme prior to the referendum’’?

AS “Well aye we did, but it looks like the £3billion budget set aside was a ‘bit low’, so to speak”

MC “So how much do you need?”

AS “Our readjusted figure is going to be nearer double that, we’re looking at £6Billion”

MC “Wow that’s some shortfall Mr Salmond”

AS “Aye, well that’s why we’re here!”

MC “You want to borrow £3Billion pounds from the Bank of England”!!?

AS “ Errr…. aye, is there a problem with that”?

MC “Nope ok that’s fine, and how are you proposing to finance this loan”?

AS “With pounds sterling of course, it’s our currency too you know’’

MC “I didn’t mean that, I meant how do you propose to pay it back, and over what terms’

AS “We were thinking 0.01% interest over 20 years”

MC “Are you kidding me!!? 5.0% over 5 years is the offer

AS “That’s f*ckin outrageous, The UK Government don’t borrow at that rate’’

MC “ But they’ve got an established line of credit built over many years trading with us, you’re like a new customer, the deal offered has to be measured with the risk, take it or leave it!!

AS “But, but we’ve got a huge bonus coming in the ‘pipeline’ (chuckles), the cheque is as good as in the post”!

MC “Yeah, I’ve seen those predicted output figures for North Sea Oil, don’t you think they look a little over optimistic, given the most recent trends”?

AS “ No not at all, it’s all been checked out by the top boys in the industry, it’s completely legit, they say we’re in for a massive bonus’’!!

MC “ I wish you would stop calling it a bonus Mr Salmond, these revenues are part of your core GDP now, and must be set aside for your other spending commitments, admirable but generous Welfare Budget reforms, new investment in the NHS, building the Scottish Defence Force, continued funding of University tuition fees etc..etc

AS “Look pal I’m a busy man, that little lot will take care of itself, are you gonna lend us this Money or what?”

MC “£3 Billion at 5% over five years, I’ll get the paper work drawn up, as soon as my people are happy with your business plan

AS “Nice one thanks, come on Nicola we’re oot of here”

2 Years later Jun 2018…….

MC ‘’Thanks for coming in Alex, I think you know why I asked you to travel down’’

AS “Look, if it’s because we’ve skipped the last 2 payments, I can explain why’’

MC “Don’t tell me, the collected tax on Oil revenue hasn’t been as high as anticipated’’

AS “Well in a nut shell yes, no where f*ckin near to be honest” (damn he’s good, whispers to NS)

MC “So what’s the contingency plan?”

AS “We would like to borrow some more”

MC ‘’What, you want to add more on to a debt that you’ve already defaulted on twice!!?, are you for real? And how do you propose to offer security this time, certainly not on future oil taxation!!?

AS ‘’ Well we though you might say that, so we've been having a think... our plan is to sell off some of Scotland’s Golf Courses, you know, Muirfield, Troon, Loch Lomond etc…. it’s so cash rich, some of these clubs are charging £40K a year just to be a member, it’s absolutely failsafe!!”

MC “You do realise that most of these clubs are privately owned and many of them through foreign investment Alex’’?

AS “ Aye, we’ve thought of that too, We’re gonna chuck in Glenturret Distillery, (Scotland’s oldest you know), The American’s love all that historical pish’’

MC “But that’s also privately owned Alex, you can’t just sell these things off, they’re not yours”!

AS “ Aye technically on paper they’re not, but they’re on Scottish Soil, so they’re actually our assets, No!?

MC “Good grief, you haven’t thought this through at all Alex have you, I’m sorry we can’t help on this one, absolutely no way’’

AS “ For fux sake man, don’t make it easy will you!! You’re just like all them posh English Tory Twats over at Westminster”

MC “Err, I’m Canadian actually”

AS Well you’re no F*ckin Scottish, how can you possible know what’s best for the people of Scotland!!?”

MC “Err that’s your job now Mr Salmond, Have you tried the European Central Bank?”

AS “Yeah, we’ve been there but they’re all tied up bailing Spain out at the moment’’

MC ‘’ Yep they’ve been badly hit by their poor crop returns this year unfortunately”

AS “Did you hear that Nicola, thank f**k we didn’t take up Swinney’s advice on that Santander investment opportunity eh!?”

NS (GULP).

MC “ How about having a word with the UK Government, they’ve not had a bad year so far and are predicted to make a small surplus, they might be able to offer you a bridging loan to help tide you over!!

AS “WHAT did you say??? I’ll be asking them for F*ck all are you off your f*ckin heid pal!!!!, Come on Nicola we’re away back up the road, I’m not staying here to be insulted!!’’

Door Slams!!

AS “How are the negotiations going with the Norwegians Nicola, you know to sell off some of the exploration fields to them’’?

NS “Negotiations Alex?? We haven’t even started discussions yet, shouldn’t we run this through Parliament first.

AS “Oh for fux sake woman, you’re as bad as Carney, always putting obstacles in the way, do I have to do f”*cking everything around here…..!!”

In next week’s episode, we meet up with Alex Salmond on his way to Kiev, and his attempt to try and sell the Scottish share of Trident to the Ukrainians!! ;)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 65
  • Created
  • Last Reply

AS “ Well one of the first things we want to do is complete the M90 project from Perth to Inverness, it’s a b*****d trying to get up there in the Winter, and the people of the North East have been waiting far too long to have this sorted”

Austin-Powers-come-again.gif

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It’s June 2016, Alex Salmond is in a buoyant mood after securing his position as Head of the Independent Scottish Government in the recent General Election. He is heading down to London with his trusty steed Nicola Sturgeon for his first meeting with Mark Carney, The Governor of the Bank of England.

It’s a warm exchange all round as they are ushered into the Governor’s office.

MC “Good morning Alex, Nicola it’s good to see you again, congratulations on the election result, how are things going?’’

AS “Aye very good thanks, just looking forward to really getting started now’’

MC “Excellent, so what can I do for you this morning”?

AS “ Well one of the first things we want to do is complete the M90 project from Perth to Inverness, it’s a b*****d trying to get up there in the Winter, and the people of the North East have been waiting far too long to have this sorted”

Surprised that as a North East resident himself, Alex doesn't know his Scottish geography.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Not exactly funny but I get the point.

The SNP's economic policy (but not necessarily iScotland's) is built on quicksand. What's surprising is how BT have not pushed more on the actual real £4 billion shortfall in oil revenues compared to forecasts. Either it's stupidity or just sheer incompetence (or both).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
×
×
  • Create New...