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ICTChris

Business / corporate speak nonsense

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On 11/07/2019 at 14:19, coprolite said:

They are usually also being shafted. 

My first graduate job was in sales after I answered an advert for a marketing management training program. 

You were told you were self employed (no sick pay, hols etc) but actually subject to employment type control. Commission only-£10 to sign a mug up for Gas and electricity or £4 for one. 

We got taught how to railroad thickos into signing. 

There was motivational crap, standing in a circle, clapping, and getting to hi five round the circle if you hit your targets. 

I went back to catering for more money and more self-respect. 

 

I went for a training day for a job trying to get people to change electricity provider. It was door to door sales in Australia. Not a single Aussie worked there, it was all brits. They actually encouraged you to drive the car like it's stolen to reduce time between doors.

Every morning they would all meet at the office and be assigned a specific area of the city with doors to knock on.  First up tho everyone would get in a huddle and perform a 'raa raa'. A different person would be selected each day to scream motivational phrases while everyone else jumped around high fiving each other. 

I didn't go back after the first day, it was absolutely brutal. 

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7 hours ago, Swarley said:

Week 4 - Building Personal Resilience

If we concentrate too much on work we wander from the Path of Transformation into the Hall of Lost Resilience. This hall contains many mirrors which ramp up our negativity.

How do we combat this you ask? Well, in our Action Pack we have Energy Boosters to get us back on track. Plus we need to Reframe negativity into positivity.

So "my God, we've hit an iceberg and are going to drown" changes to "well its a nice night for a swim"!

This is why people kill.

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5 hours ago, Swarley said:

Week 4 - Building Personal Resilience

If we concentrate too much on work we wander from the Path of Transformation into the Hall of Lost Resilience. This hall contains many mirrors which ramp up our negativity.

How do we combat this you ask? Well, in our Action Pack we have Energy Boosters to get us back on track. Plus we need to Reframe negativity into positivity.

So "my God, we've hit an iceberg and are going to drown" changes to "well its a nice night for a swim"!

Love this. 

 

"That's Betty popped her clogs" = "The nursing home is less crowded"

"I'm afraid you've got leukemia" = "At least you'll finally shed those last few pounds"

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1 hour ago, GTG_03 said:

I went for a training day for a job trying to get people to change electricity provider. It was door to door sales in Australia. Not a single Aussie worked there, it was all brits. They actually encouraged you to drive the car like it's stolen to reduce time between doors.

Every morning they would all meet at the office and be assigned a specific area of the city with doors to knock on.  First up tho everyone would get in a huddle and perform a 'raa raa'. A different person would be selected each day to scream motivational phrases while everyone else jumped around high fiving each other. 

I didn't go back after the first day, it was absolutely brutal. 

I experienced similar with a door to door student job over in the States.

The company would encourage us to stay together so that we could do things like leave $5 bills in the shower (so that the first to jump out of bed when the alarm went could scoop it) and do the additional morning motivational bullshit that you've described.

Like the naive fresher I was, I obviously flew myself across there for the training out of my own pocket so I was pretty much committed to the whole thing.  I was a resounding failure and came home having lost money.  Those were the days.  

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1 hour ago, GTG_03 said:

I went for a training day for a job trying to get people to change electricity provider. It was door to door sales in Australia. Not a single Aussie worked there, it was all brits. They actually encouraged you to drive the car like it's stolen to reduce time between doors.

Every morning they would all meet at the office and be assigned a specific area of the city with doors to knock on.  First up tho everyone would get in a huddle and perform a 'raa raa'. A different person would be selected each day to scream motivational phrases while everyone else jumped around high fiving each other. 

I didn't go back after the first day, it was absolutely brutal. 

Getting door to door sales folk hyped up can lead to this sort of trouble:

https://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/news/scottish-news/bizarre-window-firm-feud-sees-13716046

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Meeting today about the cold spots and where we need to be aiming the blow torch.
Right up the arse of whoever suggested this hopefully?

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Expedite.
Do it quicker ya fanny

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Control the controllables.

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11 hours ago, ICTChris said:

Expedite.

Code for 'some fud is in floods of tears because someone got a new laptop before he did so can he get his next please?' 

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11 hours ago, ICTChris said:

Expedite.

Would you like salt and vinegar/ sauce on that?

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referring to folk you do not know as 'colleagues' in unsolicited marketing material

i am not your colleague; we do not work at the same company, in the same building, in the same town or - entirely probably - not even in the same country; even in this glorious epoch of the global office  I am not your colleague in any way, shape, manner or fucking form; 

for future reference, I am a miserable old twat and you are a c**t

thanks for getting in touch...

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11 minutes ago, Herman Hessian said:

referring to folk you do not know as 'colleagues' in unsolicited marketing material

i am not your colleague; we do not work at the same company, in the same building, in the same town or - entirely probably - not even in the same country; even in this glorious epoch of the global office  I am not your colleague in any way, shape, manner or fucking form; 

for future reference, I am a miserable old twat and you are a c**t

thanks for getting in touch...

I like to think we are all P&B colleagues.

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In my job I work the now I work nights as it allows me to go to uni during the day and get more family time.

I was acting assistant manager for a while, and my general go to speech was “I’ll get back to you” after about two weeks of this folk worked out I had no intention of getting back to them, and nor did I.

This wasn’t out of arseholry, I didn’t want the job and came in one day and was told I was the acting assistant manager with a view to permanent appointment. When the three months were up I said I didn’t want interviewed for it and wanted to go back to my old post.

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