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ICTChris

Business / corporate speak nonsense

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Oh my are you lot in for a treat. Company I work for are embarking on a 3 month training programme. Everyone has to do a 15 minute training exercise every week. This week's is on Our Strategy.

We're all floating adrift in the Sea of Strategy. We need to look in our Action Pack for something to help. Aha, the Role Raft will help us reach the Strategic Success Sailboat. The Change Compass will help us align our goals to those of the Company.

No, I'm not making this up!
Do you work in a Dilbert cartoon?

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Do you work in a Dilbert cartoon?
I wish

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^^^ Wally found.
I wish

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Oh my are you lot in for a treat. Company I work for are embarking on a 3 month training programme. Everyone has to do a 15 minute training exercise every week. This week's is on Our Strategy.

We're all floating adrift in the Sea of Strategy. We need to look in our Action Pack for something to help. Aha, the Role Raft will help us reach the Strategic Success Sailboat. The Change Compass will help us align our goals to those of the Company.

No, I'm not making this up!

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11 hours ago, Swarley said:

Oh my are you lot in for a treat. Company I work for are embarking on a 3 month training programme. Everyone has to do a 15 minute training exercise every week. This week's is on Our Strategy.

We're all floating adrift in the Sea of Strategy. We need to look in our Action Pack for something to help. Aha, the Role Raft will help us reach the Strategic Success Sailboat. The Change Compass will help us align our goals to those of the Company.

No, I'm not making this up!

when you crack and gun everyone in your office down with an assault rifle make sure you do it dressed as a Somalian Pirate

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Oh my are you lot in for a treat. Company I work for are embarking on a 3 month training programme. Everyone has to do a 15 minute training exercise every week. This week's is on Our Strategy.

We're all floating adrift in the Sea of Strategy. We need to look in our Action Pack for something to help. Aha, the Role Raft will help us reach the Strategic Success Sailboat. The Change Compass will help us align our goals to those of the Company.

No, I'm not making this up!
I would not be able to sit through shite like that without without screaming at some point.

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13 hours ago, Swarley said:

Oh my are you lot in for a treat. Company I work for are embarking on a 3 month training programme. Everyone has to do a 15 minute training exercise every week. This week's is on Our Strategy.

We're all floating adrift in the Sea of Strategy. We need to look in our Action Pack for something to help. Aha, the Role Raft will help us reach the Strategic Success Sailboat. The Change Compass will help us align our goals to those of the Company.

No, I'm not making this up!

The first person at your work who uses any of those phrases should get punched in the throat.

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Oh my are you lot in for a treat. Company I work for are embarking on a 3 month training programme. Everyone has to do a 15 minute training exercise every week. This week's is on Our Strategy.

We're all floating adrift in the Sea of Strategy. We need to look in our Action Pack for something to help. Aha, the Role Raft will help us reach the Strategic Success Sailboat. The Change Compass will help us align our goals to those of the Company.

No, I'm not making this up!
I am going to introduce these phrases at work and see if I can make them stick.

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This week; Enhancing Ownership

Now we're all driving down the Avenue of Accessibility in different vehicles. The drivers with the Owners Mindset are better than the Rental Mindset drivers.

How can we turn Rentals into Owners you ask? Well in our Action Pack we've got the Six Keys of Ownership - Invest Wisely, Act Now, Be Accountable, Challenge With Respect, Stay Solution Focused & Go The Extra Mile.

I really wish I could share these videos with you as they are hilarious.

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I am going to introduce these phrases at work and see if I can make them stick.
Throw them into the tree and see if any apples come down

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Someone was talking to me about a wee trial at work yesterday. He happened to mention what the "deliverables" were from this trial.

He was promptly laughed at and reminded not to use ridiculous words.

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2 hours ago, Swarley said:

This week; Enhancing Ownership

Now we're all driving down the Avenue of Accessibility in different vehicles. The drivers with the Owners Mindset are better than the Rental Mindset drivers.

How can we turn Rentals into Owners you ask? Well in our Action Pack we've got the Six Keys of Ownership - Invest Wisely, Act Now, Be Accountable, Challenge With Respect, Stay Solution Focused & Go The Extra Mile.

I really wish I could share these videos with you as they are hilarious.

Surely if while driving down the "Avenue of Accessibility" you "Go The Extra Mile" the you've gone too far and missed where you were meant to go. 

Or your "Solution-based SatNav" is fucked

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26 minutes ago, deej said:

Surely if while driving down the "Avenue of Accessibility" you "Go The Extra Mile" the you've gone too far and missed where you were meant to go. 

Or your "Solution-based SatNav" is fucked

Thats going straight in the end of course feedback

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1 minute ago, Swarley said:

Thats going straight in the end of course feedback

Glad to be of assistance 

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I worked for an It company in Inverness in a previous life, think ICTChris and someone else on here did too, and we had to do these yearly self assessment reviews.  They took fucking ages, like a full day as there was so many sections to say how good you were at your job, and where you can improve, and 'give an example' and all that shite.

I was actually paying attention to it one time, and was reading the questions, and there was 3 questions/sections that were basically asking you the same thing, just worded differently.  I asked my manager and he said 'Aye just copy what you put in that section and paste it into those 2.  These things don't get looked at anyway.  You're getting a good review off me'.

I'm sure our clients would've be happy to know they're paying for several resources not to work on their infrastructure for 100+ hours as we all fill in something meaningless for our own company.

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Never got past the first word due to the lack of apostrophe.  Whatever the rest of the message might be, it's clearly not worth the time of day.

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Absolutely fuck being a salesman.  Knowing you spend every working day shafting people.  Usually elderly people.

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