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Business / corporate speak nonsense

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19 hours ago, DigOutYourSoul said:

Not corporate nonsese but I often wonder what kind of music people are listening to when they've got their headphones in. Probably spent a little too much time thinking about it...

I tend to listen to a Podcast.  

Top tip - don't listen to Athletico Mince in a quiet workplace. Trying to explain that I'm laughing at Peter Beardsley telling a joke about a kidnapping at a school (it's alright though he woke up) to some unimpressed colleagues wasn't a proud moment.

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In the Bank of Scotland call centre they said you weren’t supposed to use phrases like ‘No problem’ as both words are negative and subliminally affect the customer.

 

A huge load of bollocks of course.

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I always think instead of stopping the entire company for an hour can you not just email everyone the PowerPoint?
 
Need to justify their existence?
Especially if they are going to read the fucking thing word for word, in monotonous voice and say keep questions for the end..

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4 hours ago, weirdcal said:

Especially if they are going to read the fucking thing word for word, in monotonous voice and say keep questions for the end..

Don’t forget the laser pen, in case people don’t understand that words mean words.

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5 hours ago, DA Baracus said:

In the Bank of Scotland call centre they said you weren’t supposed to use phrases like ‘No problem’ as both words are negative and subliminally affect the customer.

 

A huge load of bollocks of course.

I attended a training course where that was the gist of the entire very expensive session. 

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In the Bank of Scotland call centre they said you weren’t supposed to use phrases like ‘No problem’ as both words are negative and subliminally affect the customer.
 
A huge load of bollocks of course.
The cause of the 2008 GFC is finally revealed.

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On 04/04/2019 at 13:56, DA Baracus said:

In the Bank of Scotland call centre they said you weren’t supposed to use phrases like ‘No problem’ as both words are negative and subliminally affect the customer.

 

A huge load of bollocks of course.

I might have been the cause of that. Speaking to an old English fart complaining and said "I'll get that sorted, no problem" and he went fucking tonto about how there was a problem, and that's why he was calling. Went on a mental rant for about 10 minutes.

Think the call got used in training, though they tended not to play the part where I hung up on him for calling me a "sweaty sock"...

That was back in the days were you were able to get pished at your desk on a Friday afternoon. Great times.

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Boss has just emailed to tell me to "tidy up the fag packet" before our meeting this afternoon. 
Euph?

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2 hours ago, Cardinal Richelieu said:

Boss has just emailed to tell me to "tidy up the fag packet" before our meeting this afternoon. 

It's terrible when the homosexual members of staff make such a mess, but he should be a bit more polite about it.

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“As part of our realignment program, management is currently evaluating various strategies, including additional employee separation programs," Cognizant said.

New way to say making people redundant.

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5 minutes ago, Sergeant Wilson said:

Has any one been asked to "add some granularity"?

yup - tea/coffee making terminology - correct response is "one lump or two ?"

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11 hours ago, Cardinal Richelieu said:

Boss has just emailed to tell me to "tidy up the fag packet" before our meeting this afternoon. 

Image result for kenneth williams

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A game I sometimes like to play is Chinese polysyllabics - use an obscure word and see how long it takes for  one of the big bosses to parrot it back.

A while back I called a task Sisyphean in nature during a meeting - within a couple of weeks it was the buzzword du jour amongst the higher echelons of management which was all the funnier because I'd told folk up front I was going to get them using it.

Edited by Hillonearth

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My work decided that they needed to know how many desk drawers my team is using, and they've to be calculated in 'linear meters'. They also decided that each drawer should be counted as  one linear meter, regardless of its actual physical dimension. therefore they just wanted the drawers counted, then multiplied by 1.

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Our firm has been acquired by another firm.

The new CEO sounds alright, and mentioned no short term changes, but that there will likely be "synergies" further down the line.

"synergies" clearly equals "mass bladderings"   but he was too corporately nice to say that

 

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17 hours ago, Hillonearth said:

A game I sometimes like to play is Chinese polysyllabics - use an obscure word and see how long it takes for  one of the big bosses to parrot it back.

A while back I called a task Sisyphean in nature during a meeting - within a couple of weeks it was the buzzword du jour amongst the higher echelons of management which was all the funnier because I'd told folk up front I was going to get them using it.

This reminds me of colleague who was definitely a "word of the week" kind of person.

One week, his favourite word was "dovetail".

"It is important that for us to be a solid, dependable and effective supplier that we can dutifully dovetail our services to match the requirements of our customers."

.. but of course, how could I ever have thought otherwise

If it had stopped there fine but it did not.  Later on, we were talking about football and I asked why a manager might substitute a striker for defender or the other way around instead of just like for like.

Guess what.

"Sometimes it is necessary to change the structure of the team on the park but then the new player has to be able to dovetail into the structure that is already there apart from the player being replaced."

I doubt you could talk to him about the weather, or anything else, without him using his word of the week.

 

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