Business / corporate speak nonsense

[MEADOWXI]

On 15/02/2018 at 11:24, DA Baracus said:

When people refer to a list of procedures as a 'bible'. 

f**k off.

Large boring volume of a book

Plenty of copies everywhere

Although no-one ever reads the thing everyone thinks they can quote from it and interpret it to suit their own needs..................

[HenryHill]

Touch base? Fuckin die.

[Dr Koop]

A humble offering from my part of the world:


 

Quote

The asset management team will manage the diversified portfolio for wind-down while promoting value enhancement initiatives to attain the ultimate objective of maximising realisation proceeds over the course of the mandate ...

 

[Thistle_do_nicely]

Quick question:

Am I right in thinking that it's acceptable to use "action" / "actioned" for internal communications like emails or chat programmes, but it's not something that works well in face to face communications? 

So say, for example, and totally not from my own email sent box at work, i) "I've already actioned the evidence and left a note on the account." or ii) "would you be able to action the work as per the below for me?"

I've just realised from my (purely hypothetical) examples that there are other words which could be used in place of action/actioned, such as "reviewed" in example i) or "perform" in example ii). Nonetheless, where there are multiple little steps involved it sort of makes sense to me that using "action" or "actioned" communicates that I've taken all the little steps involved to complete the task.

Asking for a friend.

[jimmy boo]

A humble offering from my part of the world:


 

The asset management team will manage the diversified portfolio for wind-down while promoting value enhancement initiatives to attain the ultimate objective of maximising realisation proceeds over the course of the mandate ...

 
Someone needs shot!!

[Miguel Sanchez]

24 minutes ago, Thistle_do_nicely said:

Quick question:

Am I right in thinking that it's acceptable to use "action" / "actioned" for internal communications like emails or chat programmes, but it's not something that works well in face to face communications? 

So say, for example, and totally not from my own email sent box at work, i) "I've already actioned the evidence and left a note on the account." or ii) "would you be able to action the work as per the below for me?"

I've just realised from my (purely hypothetical) examples that there are other words which could be used in place of action/actioned, such as "reviewed" in example i) or "perform" in example ii). Nonetheless, where there are multiple little steps involved it sort of makes sense to me that using "action" or "actioned" communicates that I've taken all the little steps involved to complete the task.

Asking for a friend.

Action isn't a verb.

[Benjamin_Nevis]

"Adhocracy"

[blackislekillie]

"Adhocracy"

Haven't come across that one before. Is it c***s who make it up as they go along then claim to be creative?

[welshbairn]

29 minutes ago, jupe1407 said:

"Adhocracy"

As a professional skiver I like this.

[jagfox]

I work under a model office manager apparently...

Any other places make up names for roles undertaken?

[coprolite]

1 hour ago, Thistle_do_nicely said:

Quick question:

Am I right in thinking that it's acceptable to use "action" / "actioned" for internal communications like emails or chat programmes, but it's not something that works well in face to face communications? 

So say, for example, and totally not from my own email sent box at work, i) "I've already actioned the evidence and left a note on the account." or ii) "would you be able to action the work as per the below for me?"

I've just realised from my (purely hypothetical) examples that there are other words which could be used in place of action/actioned, such as "reviewed" in example i) or "perform" in example ii). Nonetheless, where there are multiple little steps involved it sort of makes sense to me that using "action" or "actioned" communicates that I've taken all the little steps involved to complete the task.

Asking for a friend.

no. you are not right.

Grammar aside, it has no specific meaning so could easily lead to misunderstandings.

in your first example, while you mean "reviewed" someone else could mean "filed" or "shredded".

On the other hand, the word has dynamic connotations and conveys a vague impression of decisiveness. f**k grammar and meaning: with this command of bullshit a promotion can't be far away. 

[welshbairn]

1 hour ago, Thistle_do_nicely said:

 

So say, for example, and totally not from my own email sent box at work, i) "I've already done what you asked and left a note on the account." or ii) "would you be able to do the work as per the below for me?"

 

FTFY. Especially the second part.

[Benjamin_Nevis]

5 hours ago, blackislekillie said:

Haven't come across that one before. Is it c***s who make it up as they go along then claim to be creative?

 

4 hours ago, welshbairn said:

As a professional skiver I like this.

You'll truly astonished to learn it came from a Council employee 

[D.A.F.C]

5 hours ago, jagfox99 said:

I work under a model office manager apparently...

Any other places make up names for roles undertaken?

Do you work for Airfix?

[D.A.F.C]

Daily mash today

 

Successful career built on saying vague bullshit in a convincing way

05-03-18

 

A MAN has got to the top of the corporate ladder by saying things that sound insightful but are ultimately vague, meaningless bullshit, it has emerged.

At just 37, Tom Logan is the CEO of a large media company. A position he reached by saying vague things in meetings with the confidence of a high-ranking naval officer.

 

A colleague of Logan’s, Susan Traherne, said: “As a junior Tom would appraise our conversations by saying things like ‘I think you’re on to something really interesting here, we just need to strip back and refocus’.

“Once I said ‘Tom which idea is best?’ and he said ‘We’ll know when we know’ and everyone said ‘he’s right’.

“I had to bite down on a chair.”

When asked if he could explain his success Logan said: “It is what it is.”

 

 

 

[Thistle_do_nicely]

15 hours ago, Miguel Sanchez said:

Action isn't a verb.

 

14 hours ago, coprolite said:

no. you are not right.

Grammar aside, it has no specific meaning so could easily lead to misunderstandings.

in your first example, while you mean "reviewed" someone else could mean "filed" or "shredded".

On the other hand, the word has dynamic connotations and conveys a vague impression of decisiveness. f**k grammar and meaning: with this command of bullshit a promotion can't be far away. 

 

14 hours ago, welshbairn said:

FTFY. Especially the second part.

Thank you for the responses. I will action them take them on board and try not to sound like such a corporate tool in future.

tbf there weren't *that* many uses in my sent box (less than 5 in about a year at the company), but I found it interesting that the first use was in October last year, 6 months into my new job. It would appear that I've been gradually sleepwalking into using nonsensical buzzword bullshit without even realising.

Eye opening stuff.

edit: a quick search reveals I have literally never used the phrase "going forward" in any of my emails, for whatever that's worth. Perhaps the damage isn't complete yet.

 

Edited March 6, 2018 by Thistle_do_nicely

[Fullerene]

1 hour ago, Thistle_do_nicely said:

 

 

Thank you for the responses. I will action them take them on board and try not to sound like such a corporate tool in future.

tbf there weren't *that* many uses in my sent box (less than 5 in about a year at the company), but I found it interesting that the first use was in October last year, 6 months into my new job. It would appear that I've been gradually sleepwalking into using nonsensical buzzword bullshit without even realising.

Eye opening stuff.

edit: a quick search reveals I have literally never used the phrase "going forward" in any of my emails, for whatever that's worth. Perhaps the damage isn't complete yet.

 

You say you have literally never used the phrase "going forward".  Is there some other way of using it?

[Thistle_do_nicely]

38 minutes ago, Fullerene said:

You say you have literally never used the phrase "going forward".  Is there some other way of using it?

I get what you mean, but at least I've not confused it with metaphorically ie "he was literally on fire at fives the other day!"

Which is something that literally makes me feel annoyed.

Anyway - the new one which is all the rage at the moment here is "managing the customer journey."

This phrase annoys me, and I'm not even entirely sure why.

KPI is another common business term that irritates me; again, I'm not exactly sure why, but I always get the impression that it's an unnecessary acronym for the sake of it. Key Performance Indicator sounds more fancy, sure, but why not just say target/targets?

Edited March 6, 2018 by Thistle_do_nicely

[Fullerene]

58 minutes ago, Thistle_do_nicely said:

I get what you mean, but at least I've not confused it with metaphorically ie "he was literally on fire at fives the other day!"

Which is something that literally makes me feel annoyed.

Anyway - the new one which is all the rage at the moment here is "managing the customer journey."

This phrase annoys me, and I'm not even entirely sure why.

KPI is another common business term that irritates me; again, I'm not exactly sure why, but I always get the impression that it's an unnecessary acronym for the sake of it. Key Performance Indicator sounds more fancy, sure, but why not just say target/targets?

KPI comes from a country that has too many guns and you don't want to tell anyone to hit their targets or you might get blemed for what might happen next.
- Literally!

[Dr Koop]

Someone in the office has just used the phrase 'convergence event'. I have sharpened my Claymore.