ICTChris Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 Many of us work in offices or corporate environments and will have encountered baffling businessspeak from our fellow office monkeys. I thought it might be an idea to start a thread devoted to this, we could share our examples and see which P&Ber works in the most bullshit filled office. A couple of my favourites: "Kick the tyres" - when you do a quick, once-over check of something, i.e. "Lets call Dave and get him to kick the tyres of the server". "Quick and dirty" - not whathappens in the coat cupboard at the Christmas party but an informal, speedy action. Someone just said this to me - "we'll have a formal update on the call at two, but I just wanted to give you a quick and dirty update" My all time favourite was in a former workpalce of mine when a manager asked a meeting to plan a quarterly upgrade on a particular system if we were "just using the Force" when we estimated the impact of doing the work. A bit of head scratching later we realised he meant that rather than properly investigating exactly what the result of the upgrade we just estimated it based on our collective experience and 'feel' for the systems. What business-speak nonsense have P&Bers heard during their hours as captains of industry? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SodjesSixteenIncher Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 "action that" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
banana Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 'Leverage' something. No, fcuk off. People being referred to as a 'resource', for example "we're trying to find a resource to help with that''. No, fcuk off. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
houston_bud Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 "action that" Agreed. I once sent an email asking this guy if he had processed an order I had sent to him a week or so earlier. His reply was 'This has been actioned'. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ICTChris Posted April 21, 2014 Author Share Posted April 21, 2014 Agreed. I once sent an email asking this guy if he had processed an order I had sent to him a week or so earlier. His reply was 'This has been actioned'. f**k OFF Passive aggressive corporate speak is the best. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JamboMikey Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 (edited) "action that" The worst ever. I get this all time. The thing is I just send shit out for folk so their wanky corporate speak doesn't really wash when they're asking me to send a tube of posters to some primary school for a wee boy's school project 'Did you action that request for me last week?' Aye, I sent a roll of posters out to wee Chris in Oban. Edited April 21, 2014 by JamboMikey 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Michael W Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 (edited) 'Touch base'. I fill with rage every time this phrase is used. Can't we just discuss something or talk about it? I eemember being on the phone to someone who used this phrase at least four times in a call that lasted around a minute and a half. I was furious. In a former job I had a manager who seemed to routinely go through phases of using a certain phrase over and over before getting bored of it after a couple of weeks and finding another. Amongst these was 'we need to be corporate', which was used apparently without context and often used as a justification for something that needed to be down. How to get the sales up? We need to be corporate. What about that job that needs done? Well, we need to be corporate there too. Edited April 21, 2014 by Michael W 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boghead ranter Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 (edited) "run a flag up the pole and see who salutes it" "blue sky thinking" "brainstorm it out" "helicopter overview" "let's park that for now and review later" "stand back and take a horizon view of the progress" "who wants to own this piece of work?" If I had time to think, I could add loads more - my company really seems to be run by c***s with honours in bollocks-speak. How about some alternative phrases too? "testiculating" - to talk complete bollocks while waving your hands around. "blamestorming" - have a meeting to decide who carries the can for the latest fuckup. Edited April 21, 2014 by Boghead ranter 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the jambo-rocker Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 I don't know about anyone else, but every time I hear the phrase "We're going to have to do more with less" ends up fillling me with illicit rage. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boghead ranter Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 just to add my current rage-inducing phrase, having checked my work e-mail - "Reach out". As in "if you want to reach out to us today, we're short of staff due to illness". I only want to reach out and throttle you, to be honest. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I'm Brian Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 (edited) Nice of the OP to remind the majority of people who are enjoying a holiday weekend that they are back at work tomorrow "Installation of new traffic markings and refurbishment of existing ones" That apparently means they are painting the roads on the site. "They're not MY results they are OUR results" With the emphasis on the tone of voice in bold However this one was deliberately said to wind a particular individual up, and it worked an absolute treat every time. That boss was a bit of a lad Edited April 21, 2014 by I'm Brian 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Goran Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 I'll ping it across to you. No you won't, you will email it. Inexplicable rage when that got said in my last office. I also hate the word client with a passion. I don't know why, it just seems incredibly wanky. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ICTJohnboy Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 (edited) "run a flag up the pole and see who salutes it" Love that one! Very similar to : "let's put a saucer of milk out and see who laps it up" . Edited April 21, 2014 by ICTJohnboy 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ICTJohnboy Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 I also hate the word client with a passion. I don't know why, it just seems incredibly wanky. Agreed. Punters is a much better word, and generally much more appropriate. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fife Saint Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 I work in the murky lagoons of commercial finance. Some favourites of mine are 'Drains Up' and 'Belt and Braces'. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
banana Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 Love that one! Very similar to : "let's put a saucer of milk out and see who laps it up" . We're going to need to dangle a cock and see who yanks it. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hillonearth Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 "Fostering a culture of continuous improvement" Seems to mean cutting shit from where I'm standing. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zetterlund Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 As said earlier, referring to people as resources is just awful. It's not fucking Mission Impossible. Probably my worst one is when people working together on something is referred to as networking. I get a sharp pang of murderous rage when I hear that word. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
philpy Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 I think we should be thinking outside the box here. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sjc Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 I knew it was time to leave my last job when I put my fist through a partition wall during a particularly inept team meeting surrounded by wankword specialists! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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