Business / corporate speak nonsense

[Leith Green]

Another bit of corporate wankery I heard on the radio today was some tit talking about "unpacking" stuff.

And he wisnae talking about his suitcase.

[HTG]

2 hours ago, Leith Green said:

Another bit of corporate wankery I heard on the radio today was some tit talking about "unpacking" stuff.

And he wisnae talking about his suitcase.

If you can't unpack stuff and properly kick the tyres you're not going to get anywhere. 

[HK Hibee]

You need to unpack it offline. Natch

[DiegoDiego]

I'm going to stop reading this thread if I start to get more shite adverts like this:

Edit: and just like that...

[Shotgun]

On 27/04/2022 at 00:50, hk blues said:

Surely somebody higher up has noticed this and something is being done?  80% to 0% is some decline.

You would think so, but I used to work with a VP level Sales Executive who was brought in with great fanfare as an expert in the field. In 18 months, his success rate was about 5-10%.

And for those sales, he "guaranteed" the client (in writing) that their production would increase by some astronomical figure if they signed with us. Not only were the numbers ridiculously unattainable, there were so many other factors which would influence their performance that we ended up paying out thousands (if not millions) of dollars for breaches of contract. The guy's sales technique was basically to tell the prospect "Let us know what you want and we'll give it to you." It came across as so fucking desperate that the prospects could hardly wait to get us out of the door so they could call our competitors.

Firing him would've meant that the people who brought him in admitting they'd screwed up so he was allowed to continue undoing the good work everyone else was putting in. He was eventually let go after drunkenly hitting on a happily married client at a conference. He walked straight into another very well paid position at a rival company. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Nice work if you can get it.

[hk blues]

14 hours ago, Shotgun said:

You would think so, but I used to work with a VP level Sales Executive who was brought in with great fanfare as an expert in the field. In 18 months, his success rate was about 5-10%.

And for those sales, he "guaranteed" the client (in writing) that their production would increase by some astronomical figure if they signed with us. Not only were the numbers ridiculously unattainable, there were so many other factors which would influence their performance that we ended up paying out thousands (if not millions) of dollars for breaches of contract. The guy's sales technique was basically to tell the prospect "Let us know what you want and we'll give it to you." It came across as so fucking desperate that the prospects could hardly wait to get us out of the door so they could call our competitors.

Firing him would've meant that the people who brought him in admitting they'd screwed up so he was allowed to continue undoing the good work everyone else was putting in. He was eventually let go after drunkenly hitting on a happily married client at a conference. He walked straight into another very well paid position at a rival company. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Nice work if you can get it.

Not at all surprised.

For me, the law around references has resulted in folk such as the one you describe being able to keep getting jobs despite being incompetent at best. 

[DiegoDiego]

Not at all surprised.
For me, the law around references has resulted in folk such as the one you describe being able to keep getting jobs despite being incompetent at best. 

Can you not get around that just by saying "If you would recommend this person please get back to me." or such?

[hk blues]

12 minutes ago, DiegoDiego said:

1 hour ago, hk blues said:

Not at all surprised.
For me, the law around references has resulted in folk such as the one you describe being able to keep getting jobs despite being incompetent at best. 

Can you not get around that just by saying "If you would recommend this person please get back to me." or such?

Yep, you can and do.  I was an HR guy and it wasn't unusual for these type of "off the record calls" to take place.  

[Todd_is_God]

On 27/04/2022 at 07:54, Day of the Lords said:

My work's buzz phrase just now is "living the values" and employees can now "Hive Five" each other. Utter bollocks.

I assume this includes high fiving anyone who comes out with such pish in the face?

[mishtergrolsch]

"I dialogued with your manager earlier in the daily production".

Go forth and die in whatever way you see fit.

[Dan Steele]

Business being hit, like all of us, by the current economic climate? Feel you "might" have to put prices up? Then you are experiencing "significant headwinds". *

Royal Mail.

[ford prefect]

An email received today, 

"We just need to sort all fruits out of the same basket"

It was in response to some emails overlapping.

Who thinks this shit up?

Edited June 14, 2022 by ford prefect
Spelling

[Newbornbairn]

My company had to fire someone for just never showing up for work.

 

HR manager - "We had to exit John from the business" 

[coprolite]

On 02/05/2022 at 10:56, DiegoDiego said:

On 02/05/2022 at 09:09, hk blues said:

Not at all surprised.
For me, the law around references has resulted in folk such as the one you describe being able to keep getting jobs despite being incompetent at best. 

Can you not get around that just by saying "If you would recommend this person please get back to me." or such?

My specialism is a fairly small and well connected one, so people have off the record conversations about candidates all the time. 

A glowing reference usually means they're shit and a bad one means they're worth hiring. No one wants to lose good staff to the competition. 

[hk blues]

4 minutes ago, coprolite said:

My specialism is a fairly small and well connected one, so people have off the record conversations about candidates all the time. 

A glowing reference usually means they're shit and a bad one means they're worth hiring. No one wants to lose good staff to the competition. 

Yes, like most things if it's too good to be true it usually isn't and in this case the opposite can apply.

Towards the end of my time in HR we simply asked for referees to confirm employment dates as anything else was often not worth the paper it was written on.  Only resorted to off the record chats when there was something specific that we wanted to know more about.

[Thorongil]

What are the views here on Management Consultancy? Having worked for a MC firm and having been in multiple businesses that have used such firms, I am forced to conclude the whole thing is a massive, massive scam. 

I would trust a big 4 accountancy firm or to do my accounts or audit them, but to provide advice to businesses on how to run their businesses? Absolutely not. They charge an absolute fortune for absolute garbage and cannot land straightforward projects. Same with your Gartners and Accentures of this world. The emperor truly has no clothes at all. 

It’s a massive confidence trick, and I do not believe it will ever change.

[hk blues]

3 minutes ago, Thorongil said:

What are the views here on Management Consultancy? Having worked for a MC firm and having been in multiple businesses that have used such firms, I am forced to conclude the whole thing is a massive, massive scam. 

I would trust a big 4 accountancy firm or to do my accounts or audit them, but to provide advice to businesses on how to run their businesses? Absolutely not. They charge an absolute fortune for absolute garbage and cannot land straightforward projects. Same with your Gartners and Accentures of this world. The emperor truly has no clothes at all. 

It’s a massive confidence trick, and I do not believe it will ever change.

To me it's a bit like hiring a guy to tile your bathroom when you can do it yourself - when he fucks it up you can blame him to the wife when she inevitably complains.  

[Thorongil]

3 minutes ago, hk blues said:

To me it's a bit like hiring a guy to tile your bathroom when you can do it yourself - when he fucks it up you can blame him to the wife when she inevitably complains.  

I think that’s right. It’s basically insurance for senior people so that they can say PwC told them to do it if things go wrong and if thinks go wrong it’s everyone in the businesses fault because surely PwC know what they are talking about. 

[coprolite]

3 minutes ago, Thorongil said:

What are the views here on Management Consultancy? Having worked for a MC firm and having been in multiple businesses that have used such firms, I am forced to conclude the whole thing is a massive, massive scam. 

I would trust a big 4 accountancy firm or to do my accounts or audit them, but to provide advice to businesses on how to run their businesses? Absolutely not. They charge an absolute fortune for absolute garbage and cannot land straightforward projects. Same with your Gartners and Accentures of this world. The emperor truly has no clothes at all. 

It’s a massive confidence trick, and I do not believe it will ever change.

I was at HMRC when Mckinsey did a massive re-organisation that made getting anything done a massive arseache. Turns out that changing line management and re-naming departments is of limited practical use. 

On the other hand, at my current job we had an old and inefficient process and we got a couple of guys in, for two days,  that helped make it function better. 

I think if you have a specific issue and ask the right questions consultants can be helpful. 

If you're shit at management and want someone to tell you how to do your job, then you're a legitimate mark for and will get rinsed. 

[UsedToGoToCentralPark]

What are the views here on Management Consultancy? Having worked for a MC firm and having been in multiple businesses that have used such firms, I am forced to conclude the whole thing is a massive, massive scam. 
I would trust a big 4 accountancy firm or to do my accounts or audit them, but to provide advice to businesses on how to run their businesses? Absolutely not. They charge an absolute fortune for absolute garbage and cannot land straightforward projects. Same with your Gartners and Accentures of this world. The emperor truly has no clothes at all. 
It’s a massive confidence trick, and I do not believe it will ever change.

You'd be a well to just watch office space.