Business / corporate speak nonsense

[senorsoupe]

On 18/03/2022 at 15:43, Donathan said:

Try working with Americans. Everyone is the “Assistant Vice-President” of something. 

In my workplace everyone wants to have Director thrown into their job title because reasons.  We just end up with a bunch of "Assistant Directors" and "Associate Directors" 

[senorsoupe]

Our head of OHS (Occupational Health and Safety) is mercifully retiring as he is incapable of writing emails that are a) brief, and b) logical.  At first I just thought it was because his first language is French, but I have learned that this guy just cannot communicate.  It's gotten so bad that people don't invite him to meetings to explain anything as he just rambles on and then gets annoyed when people ask him to clarify things.  I am sure that he is functionally very smart in his field, he just cannot communicate that with anyone

[Clockwork]

Many years ago our Sales team were handed an additional target to record performance against in their monthly reports (along with their achieved number of sales\ sales value etc).
This was ‘Time in front of Customer’ or TIFOC.

You can perhaps imagine how this was responded to in our Glasgow office?

[hk blues]

8 minutes ago, Clockwork said:

Many years ago our Sales team were handed an additional target to record performance against in their monthly reports (along with their achieved number of sales\ sales value etc).
This was ‘Time in front of Customer’ or TIFOC.

You can perhaps imagine how this was responded to in our Glasgow office?

I'd tell them to get TIFOC

[GNU_Linux]

'Industry 4.0'

[mishtergrolsch]

On 26/03/2022 at 07:11, Melanius Mullarkay said:

Same here. She sent a long ranty email last night (7pm) about dust and ventilation  in a lab. She got the lab name completely wrong and sent it to the wrong people.

Off to a flyer, hen.

Update - Health and Safety officer has gotten tae f**k. Couldn't hack it apparently. 

Braw.

New lad wants to have a wander about and see how we do things. Seems decent as far as H&S folk go. Time will tell.

[Melanius Mullarkey]

I shit you not, somebody said they were “sunsetting a process” in a meeting the other day.

I burst out laughing.

[hk blues]

1 hour ago, Melanius Mullarkay said:

I shit you not, somebody said they were “sunsetting a process” in a meeting the other day.

I burst out laughing.

To be fair it sounds more prosaic than "getting it tae f**k"

[Leith Green]

1 hour ago, Melanius Mullarkay said:

I shit you not, somebody said they were “sunsetting a process” in a meeting the other day.

I burst out laughing.

Thats a fuckin beaut.

You will probably be reported to HR and have to justify your "bullying" behaviour to some serious and worthy 21 year old straight out of Uni.

[Melanius Mullarkey]

17 minutes ago, Leith Green said:

Thats a fuckin beaut.

You will probably be reported to HR and have to justify your "bullying" behaviour to some serious and worthy 21 year old straight out of Uni.

Hopefully I'll be sunsetted. 

[Boo Khaki]

This sort of nonsense is a big part of the reason I can't 'do' "team" related work any more. I'd have fired straight in with '"hold on a minute, where the f**k did you pick that belter up from?" and probably have got frogmarched into an office somewhere. I should never have put myself into a 'team' situation in the first place because I'm just not suited to it and it's really unhealthy for me, but I didn't know this at the time and had to learn the hard way. It got to the point where every time someone mentioned 'team' I just facepalmed. It became the term that management used to silence you and make you tolerate inept, workshy colleagues that management had hired but couldn't fire. I just wouldn't be able to bite my tongue these days. Did it for years and it drove me to a complete mental breakdown.

['WellDel]

4 hours ago, Melanius Mullarkay said:

I shit you not, somebody said they were “sunsetting a process” in a meeting the other day.

I burst out laughing.

I never have, and never could work in an environment where this sort of vocabulary is used, as I'd spend 99% of my time getting fucked out of meetings for laughing at these morons. I do, however, enjoy a wee look at this thread for a giggle and can vividly imagine some of the attention seeking mentalists who spout this utter drivel and the utter seethe or mirth it causes guys like your good selves who have to endure it.

From what I can gather, sunsetting can be both a successful end to a process, or a winding down/phasing out due to it failing. If it was a sunsetification in the latter sense, I hope you're happy with yourself for laughing at someone else's project demise, you heartless b*****d.

[Zetterlund]

Thankfully I don't often have to sit through this pish, but now and again we get notice from a commercial director that he wants to have a sit-down with us on video chat, which is just torture.

Basically it's 2.5hrs of someone who loves the sound of his own voice just refusing to f**k off once there's nothing left to be said. I'll be better prepared next time.

[Clockwork]

We have to put up with this nonsense twice a month, with a full team meeting to report on progress. One for work/projects that are currently being delivered, the other to offer an update on work/projects that are in development. It takes any normal person a couple of minutes tops to run through their report every other week.
It’s the bullshitters, work-shy and professional windbags, who will talk endlessly about everything they’ve ‘been concentrating on’ which usually amounts to the square root of f**k all. Yet they will deliver an endless mind numbing account of an exaggerated and embellished workload.
It must be harder to conjure up some of these fabrications than it is to do the work in the first place. It’s all bollocks and annoys me far more than it should.

[Jacksgranda]

16 hours ago, Clockwork said:

We have to put up with this nonsense twice a month, with a full team meeting to report on progress. One for work/projects that are currently being delivered, the other to offer an update on work/projects that are in development. It takes any normal person a couple of minutes tops to run through their report every other week.
It’s the bullshitters, work-shy and professional windbags, who will talk endlessly about everything they’ve ‘been concentrating on’ which usually amounts to the square root of f**k all. Yet they will deliver an endless mind numbing account of an exaggerated and embellished workload.
It must be harder to conjure up some of these fabrications than it is to do the work in the first place. It’s all bollocks and annoys me far more than it should.
 

We used to have similar, except it was every week. Total waste of time and they gradually faded away. The chief partner, who probably did more work than the rest of us put together as well as allocating the work, never attended.

The junior partner on the other hand, was mad for meetings, it was all he ever seemed to do.

It's 10 years since I left, and I sometimes wonder if the junior partner, who would now be the senior partner, is still attending 3 meetings a day. He must be due for retirement shortly, it was 65 and you're out in that place.

[hk blues]

16 hours ago, Clockwork said:

We have to put up with this nonsense twice a month, with a full team meeting to report on progress. One for work/projects that are currently being delivered, the other to offer an update on work/projects that are in development. It takes any normal person a couple of minutes tops to run through their report every other week.
It’s the bullshitters, work-shy and professional windbags, who will talk endlessly about everything they’ve ‘been concentrating on’ which usually amounts to the square root of f**k all. Yet they will deliver an endless mind numbing account of an exaggerated and embellished workload.
It must be harder to conjure up some of these fabrications than it is to do the work in the first place. It’s all bollocks and annoys me far more than it should.
 

It sounds like they're playing a storm t.b.h. 

[Melanius Mullarkey]

21 hours ago, 'WellDel said:

I never have, and never could work in an environment where this sort of vocabulary is used, as I'd spend 99% of my time getting fucked out of meetings for laughing at these morons. I do, however, enjoy a wee look at this thread for a giggle and can vividly imagine some of the attention seeking mentalists who spout this utter drivel and the utter seethe or mirth it causes guys like your good selves who have to endure it.

From what I can gather, sunsetting can be both a successful end to a process, or a winding down/phasing out due to it failing. If it was a sunsetification in the latter sense, I hope you're happy with yourself for laughing at someone else's project demise, you heartless b*****d.

No doubt they’ll be sunrising a new process at the next meeting, the bunch of c***s.

[Dan Steele]

On 22/04/2022 at 07:07, Melanius Mullarkay said:

"sunsetting a process” 

This is now going to be my new way of saying I'm going for a shite. 

[broon-loon]

16 minutes ago, The Skelpit Lug said:

This is now going to be my new way of saying I'm going for a shite. 

It's a well proven process for sure. I bet some corporate organisation/person is trying to digitalise it.

Scan and go at your convenience..

[IrishBhoy]

My previous work started doing a ‘Workers Forum’ meeting, where once a month the Managing Director and Head of HR would sit with an array of employees across the business to discuss any issues they had. In practice it should have been a worthwhile exercise, giving a direct line of communication between the shop floor and upper management. It didn’t work out that way as the only people who volunteered were as thick as shit in the neck of a bottle. They would publish the minutes of the meeting and stick it on the notice board and it was always essential reading. 
 

Guy who worked as a storeman sitting in a meeting with the MD complaining about roller shutter doors that let in a draft, or one of the women from the office asking why the vending machine isn’t filled up as regularly as it used to be. Could just imagine the MD coming out of a meeting with BP and Shell, discussing multi-million pound orders, and walking in to a meeting with all the dumplings from the shop floor to talk about vending machines and drafty roller shutters.