Leith Green Posted February 21, 2022 Share Posted February 21, 2022 On 06/08/2021 at 19:47, Darren said: Talk of bandwidth, silos and sprints makes me want to stab myself in the face. Just found this - brilliant, reminds my why I am so glad not to be in the corporate world any more (self emp). Your post reminds me of my last place before I took the cash and ran - we had a sales director who was excruciating in meetings - one of those "turn up late, request a recap, try and solve what had already been agreed" c***s. She was London based, had that London self importance, looked on us (head office) as country bumpkins, wisnae actually that bright and whenever she came to Edinburgh it was inevitable that she arrived with some new wankword - me and a mate used to have a wee bet on the timing and composition of the next pile of shite she came up with. She was definitely a Reach Out, Binary, Buy In, Swim Lane, Move the Needle, Moving Parts, Scalable, Ducks in a Row fucking boot. What was even worse was that some of her immediate reports (not me) started to use these words in meetings in order to "look important" - basically corporate wanks. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheScarf Posted February 21, 2022 Share Posted February 21, 2022 5 hours ago, IrishBhoy said: That’s reminded me of a very awkward encounter I had with the CEO of the company I served my apprenticeship with. We were getting pulled in 10/15 at a time to have a meeting with the CEO telling us why it would be a bad idea to join the union. What nobody had told us though, was that he had a stutter that was so bad that he was completely unable to get through the first sentence. Everyone was totally taken aback and for 20 or 30 seconds the room was just in complete silence as he attempted to start his speech again. I made the mistake of making eye contact with one of the other apprentices who cracked the slightest grin as I looked up, which then made me start laughing in a quite blatant and uncontrollable way. What I will say in my defence is that I wasn’t actually laughing at the CEOs stutter, but laughing because i was fully aware that I was in a situation where I couldn’t laugh, which in turn made me laugh more. Obviously it just looked like I was sitting pishing myself at him right infront of his face, and the more I realised how bad it looked the more I kept laughing. I was trying to hold in the laugh so much I had beads of sweat running down my face, and the more I thought about the situation I was in the more I kept laughing. Sitting about 4 feet from the CEO in a small boardroom with 15 people packed in to it, every one of them completely silent and me vibrating like a Nokia 3310 absolutely pishing myself. I ended up having to just get up and leave as there was no way I was going to be able to stop. I know it does look really bad on me, but I was only 16 at the time and I honestly wasn’t laughing directly at his stutter, it was just the fact that I was placed in such a situation where I knew I couldn’t laugh, which unfortunately for me made me laugh. ^ ^ ^ the kinda guy who laughs at a funeral 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UsedToGoToCentralPark Posted February 21, 2022 Share Posted February 21, 2022 At a recent meeting we were warned that we were facing "analysis paralysis" around a tricky issue.I am going to use that as much as possible this week and see if I can make others start to use it as well. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fullerene Posted February 21, 2022 Share Posted February 21, 2022 1 hour ago, UsedToGoToCentralPark said: 21 hours ago, cb_diamond said: At a recent meeting we were warned that we were facing "analysis paralysis" around a tricky issue. I am going to use that as much as possible this week and see if I can make others start to use it as well. Great. I look forward to your Analysis Paralysis Analysis. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sergeant Wilson Posted February 21, 2022 Share Posted February 21, 2022 4 hours ago, Leith Green said: Just found this - brilliant, reminds my why I am so glad not to be in the corporate world any more (self emp). Your post reminds me of my last place before I took the cash and ran - we had a sales director who was excruciating in meetings - one of those "turn up late, request a recap, try and solve what had already been agreed" c***s. She was London based, had that London self importance, looked on us (head office) as country bumpkins, wisnae actually that bright and whenever she came to Edinburgh it was inevitable that she arrived with some new wankword - me and a mate used to have a wee bet on the timing and composition of the next pile of shite she came up with. She was definitely a Reach Out, Binary, Buy In, Swim Lane, Move the Needle, Moving Parts, Scalable, Ducks in a Row fucking boot. What was even worse was that some of her immediate reports (not me) started to use these words in meetings in order to "look important" - basically corporate wanks. Was she a Scrum Master? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caledonian1 Posted February 21, 2022 Share Posted February 21, 2022 1 hour ago, Fullerene said: Great. I look forward to your Analysis Paralysis Analysis. I think he has alrady given up on it so it's currently Alalysis Paralysis Analysis Paralysis......would anyone else like to analyse why that may have happened.... 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sergeant Wilson Posted February 21, 2022 Share Posted February 21, 2022 I remember when blue sky thinking was just fucking guessing. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr Koop Posted February 21, 2022 Share Posted February 21, 2022 3 hours ago, Sergeant Wilson said: I remember when blue sky thinking was just fucking guessing. Aye, but you can't deny there was a paradigm shift when the change happened. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr Koop Posted February 21, 2022 Share Posted February 21, 2022 V Nandakumar, communications director at Lulu Group, said the company was fully aligned with the vision of “moving away from single-use plastic bags” throughout its stores and online shopping. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HTG Posted February 21, 2022 Share Posted February 21, 2022 I'm pleased to confirm my departure from this corporate world and, following that departure I can also confirm that: If I ping someone, it'll sting a bit and I may get lifted for it. If I'm thinking outside the box, there will be a box in view. If I'm in possession of low hanging fruit, it'll be in a basket. I will not reinvent the wheel - I'm fucking useless at DIY so inventing a new type of wheel is likely to be unsafe. Blue sky thinking will involve lying on my back looking at the sky whilst contemplating life in general I will bring something to the table but mostly on a tray. Touching base will involve physical touching. All other interpretations of these things can get right in the bin - where they should have been in the first place. Data management teams are now serial offenders for this sort of shite - they need taken out and punched. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacksgranda Posted February 21, 2022 Share Posted February 21, 2022 9 minutes ago, HTG said: I'm pleased to confirm my departure from this corporate world and, following that departure I can also confirm that: If I ping someone, it'll sting a bit and I may get lifted for it. If I'm thinking outside the box, there will be a box in view. If I'm in possession of low hanging fruit, it'll be in a basket. I will not reinvent the wheel - I'm fucking useless at DIY so inventing a new type of wheel is likely to be unsafe. Blue sky thinking will involve lying on my back looking at the sky whilst contemplating life in general I will bring something to the table but mostly on a tray. Touching base will involve physical touching. All other interpretations of these things can get right in the bin - where they should have been in the first place. Data management teams are now serial offenders for this sort of shite - they need taken out and punched. Clerks? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BFTD Posted February 21, 2022 Share Posted February 21, 2022 6 hours ago, HTG said: I'm pleased to confirm my departure from this corporate world and, following that departure I can also confirm that: If I ping someone, it'll sting a bit and I may get lifted for it. If I'm thinking outside the box, there will be a box in view. If I'm in possession of low hanging fruit, it'll be in a basket. I will not reinvent the wheel - I'm fucking useless at DIY so inventing a new type of wheel is likely to be unsafe. Blue sky thinking will involve lying on my back looking at the sky whilst contemplating life in general I will bring something to the table but mostly on a tray. Touching base will involve physical touching. All other interpretations of these things can get right in the bin - where they should have been in the first place. Data management teams are now serial offenders for this sort of shite - they need taken out and punched. I swear this was a George Carlin bit. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arabdownunder Posted February 24, 2022 Share Posted February 24, 2022 Just been invited to a "vision sprint". Me neither 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mishtergrolsch Posted February 24, 2022 Share Posted February 24, 2022 Whoever invented the term "Webinar" can GTF 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bairnardo Posted February 24, 2022 Share Posted February 24, 2022 Just been invited to a "vision sprint". Me neitherYou have a chance to stand against this sort of shite by declining the invite and telling them it was because you dont know what you were being invited to. You sir, are a pussy if you don't. But I believe in you. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arabdownunder Posted February 24, 2022 Share Posted February 24, 2022 2 hours ago, Bairnardo said: You have a chance to stand against this sort of shite by declining the invite and telling them it was because you dont know what you were being invited to. You sir, are a pussy if you don't. But I believe in you. Hamstrings a bit tight boss, won't be up for any sprinting 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HK Hibee Posted February 24, 2022 Share Posted February 24, 2022 A lot of corporate speak in my office most of which I ignore or play along with. However a new phrase has come up recently which gets on my nads - Sweat Equity. As in ‘client has asked us to put some sweat equity into this project,. Means do something for free and we might pay you for something else in the future 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottsdad Posted February 25, 2022 Share Posted February 25, 2022 A lot of talk about the "space" going around just now. "Much of your workload is taken up in the student space" "We need to think about what can go into the research space". Doing my nut in. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacksgranda Posted February 25, 2022 Share Posted February 25, 2022 3 minutes ago, scottsdad said: A lot of talk about the "space" going around just now. "Much of your workload is taken up in the student space" "We need to think about what can go into the research space". Doing my nut in. And you a university lecturer. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dan Steele Posted February 25, 2022 Share Posted February 25, 2022 On 24/02/2022 at 13:24, HK Hibee said: Sweat Equity. As in ‘client has asked us to put some sweat equity into this project,. Means do something for free and we might pay you for something else in the future To a universal shout of the good old fashioned Get Tae f**k, I hope. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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