HTG Posted February 25, 2021 Share Posted February 25, 2021 I may have mentioned this before but "bandwidth" does by tits in. "Have you got the bandwidth to take this on". "I just don't have the bandwidth at the moment" Alternatively: "I need this done pronto" "f**k off I'm busy" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mishtergrolsch Posted February 25, 2021 Share Posted February 25, 2021 Got this cracker from my manager today via email. "I tried to reach you yesterday via your contact device and was unsuccessful" Translates to "I tried to phone you at 4.45pm but you didn't answer." Because you decided to part time furlough me in the afternoons and even if I wasn't furloughed I'd have been finished at 4.30 anyway. Also had the bandwidth one. I said the orange light was blinking and the Engineer was on the way. In other words, let's play a game of get to f**k. You go first. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hillonearth Posted February 25, 2021 Share Posted February 25, 2021 I've been involved in a working group to discuss what things are going to look like once blended working is the norm post-pandemic...there's a concept being floated of having sections in together one day a week to facilitate team bonding...they've decided to name them "anchor days"... Took a cosy 30 seconds for them to be redubbed w****r Days, because that's who you'll mostly be dealing with. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
D.A.F.C Posted February 25, 2021 Share Posted February 25, 2021 Is anyone using the mental health app? Load of shite isn't it, I have been told to ask everyone by HR. It's actually quite decent but who is going to admit to this after that, this kind of toxic attitude to mental health needs binned. My boss lives in some weird 1970s world where its ok to be racist, sexist and an absolute thudnercunt. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sergeant Wilson Posted February 25, 2021 Share Posted February 25, 2021 59 minutes ago, Hillonearth said: I've been involved in a working group to discuss what things are going to look like once blended working is the norm post-pandemic...there's a concept being floated of having sections in together one day a week to facilitate team bonding...they've decided to name them "anchor days"... Took a cosy 30 seconds for them to be redubbed w****r Days, because that's who you'll mostly be dealing with. Working group? 20th century business/corporate speak nonsense for this pish. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arabdownunder Posted February 26, 2021 Share Posted February 26, 2021 3 hours ago, Sergeant Wilson said: Working group? 20th century business/corporate speak nonsense for this pish. Yep, he's part of an agile team 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bairnardo Posted February 26, 2021 Share Posted February 26, 2021 11 hours ago, HTG said: I may have mentioned this before but "bandwidth" does by tits in. "Have you got the bandwidth to take this on". "I just don't have the bandwidth at the moment" Alternatively: "I need this done pronto" "f**k off I'm busy" I simultaneously believe you, but can't believe there are people int he world who speak like this. Nuke us. Do it now. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hillonearth Posted February 26, 2021 Share Posted February 26, 2021 11 hours ago, Sergeant Wilson said: Working group? 20th century business/corporate speak nonsense for this pish. Good point. I hate it when you don't even realise you're doing it yourself 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hk blues Posted February 26, 2021 Share Posted February 26, 2021 3 hours ago, Hillonearth said: Good point. I hate it when you don't even realise you're doing it yourself 15 hours ago, Hillonearth said: I've been involved in a working group to discuss what things are going to look like once blended working is the norm post-pandemic...there's a concept being floated of having sections in together one day a week to facilitate team bonding...they've decided to name them "anchor days"... Took a cosy 30 seconds for them to be redubbed w****r Days, because that's who you'll mostly be dealing with. Ach, it wasn't that bad! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melanius Mullarkey Posted May 24, 2021 Share Posted May 24, 2021 (edited) Naming committees. In a meeting now and someone has named a committee P-PAD. Spoiler Sponsored by Tena, no doubt. Anyway, ive drifted off into reminiscing about the Knicker Picker website. Edited May 24, 2021 by Melanius Mullarkey 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gordon EF Posted May 24, 2021 Share Posted May 24, 2021 35 minutes ago, Melanius Mullarkey said: Naming committees. In a meeting now and someone has named a committee P-PAD. Hide contents Sponsored by Tena, no doubt. Anyway, ive drifted off into reminiscing about the Knicker Picker website. The last time I was responsible for naming something at work, I called it BAMPOT. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melanius Mullarkey Posted May 27, 2021 Share Posted May 27, 2021 I’ve just read a bit of a reply to something and they’ve said “enthusiasm costs nothing and requires zero training” Yes, doesn’t pay the fucking leccy though m8 does it? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mishtergrolsch Posted June 6, 2021 Share Posted June 6, 2021 We've had a Machinery Record at work for years. Does what it says on the tin - literally a record of all the machines, service and breakdown history, hours worked etc. My new boss wants to create a new system with exaclty the same information just jigged about and name it the "Asset register". I'm going to refer to it as the Asshat Register and include him on it. We also have a Chemical Treatment Record for spraying weedkillers etc thats being re dubbed too. Pest and Chemical Application Register. Let's play a game of f**k off, boss. You go first. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coprolite Posted June 6, 2021 Share Posted June 6, 2021 4 hours ago, mishtergrolsch said: We've had a Machinery Record at work for years. Does what it says on the tin - literally a record of all the machines, service and breakdown history, hours worked etc. My new boss wants to create a new system with exaclty the same information just jigged about and name it the "Asset register". I'm going to refer to it as the Asshat Register and include him on it. We also have a Chemical Treatment Record for spraying weedkillers etc thats being re dubbed too. Pest and Chemical Application Register. Let's play a game of f**k off, boss. You go first. Sounds like an expert in "leading change." If he sticks to just re naming things then he mught not do too much damage. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mishtergrolsch Posted June 6, 2021 Share Posted June 6, 2021 42 minutes ago, coprolite said: Sounds like an expert in "leading change." If he sticks to just re naming things then he mught not do too much damage. While I wish you were right, hes already made a few changes for the worse but as long as my salary drops into my bank account at the end of each month I'm not going to lose much sleep over his decisions. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
well fan for life Posted June 7, 2021 Share Posted June 7, 2021 A new guy in my team said "it's about being pragmatic, not just following a dogma" with a straight face. Just about hoisted my laptop out the window. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thorongil Posted June 7, 2021 Share Posted June 7, 2021 On 14/01/2021 at 11:02, DiegoDiego said: I'm sure the only reason businesses put in so many layers of management is so they can keep disillusioned yet reliable employees at their company by offering them meaningless promotions every few years. Damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Lots of companies have gone for “flat structures” and it kills engagement. Effect gets worse as younger people enter the workforce. If people can’t get promoted and earn more money they leave. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sergeant Wilson Posted June 7, 2021 Share Posted June 7, 2021 3 hours ago, Pato said: A man at my work, in a video call with myself and a young female student, tried to sound all fancy and say 'thanks for coming to this tête-à-tête' but instead he said 'thanks for coming to this ménage à trois' and soldiered through the rest of the call looking like he wanted to die. Email him a billet doux. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arabdownunder Posted August 6, 2021 Share Posted August 6, 2021 (edited) Currently watching an organisation wide broadcast* and one of the high heid yins has announced that "Tiger Teams" will be established to undertake time-limited projects. Will be an agile process of co-design, building a deeper knowledge of how we function across teams, breaking down silos etc. Edited to add that COVID has apparently added an "urgency lens" over our work *P'n'B on my second screen obviously Edited August 6, 2021 by Arabdownunder 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darren Posted August 6, 2021 Share Posted August 6, 2021 Talk of bandwidth, silos and sprints makes me want to stab myself in the face. Still better than my last job two jobs in journalism, though. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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