Business / corporate speak nonsense

[Mark Connolly]

4 minutes ago, Hedgecutter said:

"Let's not try to compare the height of the tallest midget here" - the words of a CEO of a large oil company during this afternoon's 'town-hall' meeting.

After the meeting?  Lots of comments involving midgets, quickly followed by a second meeting featuring the aforementioned CEO's grovelling apology to avoid offending the  Bairnardos of this world.

What on earth convinced him he could pitch comments at such a level?

[Jacksgranda]

7 minutes ago, Hedgecutter said:

"Let's not try to compare the height of the tallest midget here" - the words of a CEO of a large oil company during this afternoon's 'town-hall' meeting.

After the meeting?  Lots of comments involving midgets, quickly followed by a second meeting featuring the aforementioned CEO's grovelling apology to avoid offending the  Bairnardos of this world.

 

2 minutes ago, Mark Connolly said:

What on earth convinced him he could pitch comments at such a level?

Have you never heard of the lowest common denominator?

[D.A.F.C]

Have you never heard of the lowest common denominator?

Am the one and only denominator

[D.A.F.C]

Can't take that away from you

Wanna woosh myself

[Boghead ranter]

14 hours ago, D.A.F.C said:

Wanna woosh myself

 

Typical Fifer, cannae even spell wash.

[Donathan]

Just been invited to “throw my ideas into the pot of think-soup”


That’s a new one

[101]

5 minutes ago, MixuFruit said:

Quite a lot of military inspired corporatespeak happening in my work recently, I don't know if it's because of Remembrance.

Getting out the trenches, zeroing our artillery, breaking through the lines etc. Very odd when it's about whatever is on a Gantt chart.

Is getting out the trenches akin to certain death in your business? As that's that happened in the old days.

[Bairnardo]

Quite a lot of military inspired corporatespeak happening in my work recently, I don't know if it's because of Remembrance.
Getting out the trenches, zeroing our artillery, breaking through the lines etc. Very odd when it's about whatever is on a Gantt chart.

What's the context of zeroing our artillery?

Are you artillery?

[mishtergrolsch]

2 hours ago, MixuFruit said:

Quite a lot of military inspired corporatespeak happening in my work recently, I don't know if it's because of Remembrance.

Getting out the trenches, zeroing our artillery, breaking through the lines etc. Very odd when it's about whatever is on a Gantt chart.

I had 'zeroing in on the target' not too long ago. 

Don't think we're quite Black Ops but it seems my boss thinks he's in charge of a squad of Commandos armed with chainsaws and hedge trimmers.

Fud.

 

Also had 'Pinch points' which made me laugh. As in 'look at your calendar and identify your pinch points'. Mate, my whole year is a fucking pinch point, its always busy.

Erse. 

[Florentine_Pogen]

3 hours ago, Donathan said:

Just been invited to “throw my ideas into the pot of think-soup”


That’s a new one

 

[Boghead ranter]

6 hours ago, MixuFruit said:

Quite a lot of military inspired corporatespeak happening in my work recently, I don't know if it's because of Remembrance.

Getting out the trenches, zeroing our artillery, breaking through the lines etc. Very odd when it's about whatever is on a Gantt chart.

^member of the UK cabinet^

[101]

5 hours ago, MixuFruit said:

I think it's supposed to mean 'start doing thing'

Start doing things then quickly stop doing them then.

But seriously the first folk out the trenches were the equivalent middle managers who no doubt have invented this phrased to get the normal folk out whilst they sit on their arse

[Shandon Par]

Saw an email earlier from some friends who work at the same company. The boss instructed them to “up the aunty”. Have instructed them to send him a pic of Kenneth Williams.

[Cardinal Richelieu]

I've definitely posted this at least twice before, but given a meeting I had today - it bears repeating. 

[sugna]

10 hours ago, Cardinal Richelieu said:

I've definitely posted this at least twice before, but given a meeting I had today - it bears repeating. 

We watch Elementary, and it appears to be an in-joke that people of all dispositions, backgrounds and ways of speaking say "reached out" with dispiriting regularity on that show. Whenever it happens, I flash the vickies at the screen for 5 seconds. Infuriating phrase, so insincere, and at the same time self-congratulatory.

Here's a screenshot of a rule I wrote for Outlook.

The "internally" one was based on an email I received from a company we work with, and was the version that angried-up my blood most effectively of the lot. Presumably when they reached out externally to tell me something.

[coprolite]

6 hours ago, MixuFruit said:

I get the feeling someone up top wanted to be in the SAS and settled for the civil service.

'Powerful organising to identify strategy, form tactics, and EXECUTE THEM' is the new lingo, about writing dry policy.

 

TA, definitely 

[Cardinal Richelieu]

4 hours ago, sugna said:

We watch Elementary, and it appears to be an in-joke that people of all dispositions, backgrounds and ways of speaking say "reached out" with dispiriting regularity on that show. Whenever it happens, I flash the vickies at the screen for 5 seconds. Infuriating phrase, so insincere, and at the same time self-congratulatory.

Here's a screenshot of a rule I wrote for Outlook.

The "internally" one was based on an email I received from a company we work with, and was the version that angried-up my blood most effectively of the lot. Presumably when they reached out externally to tell me something.

That's brilliant. You should sell that - I'd certainly pay for that. The only drawback is that I'm assuming you won't even be aware of who is using "reaching out" - therefore you might not be able to identify the morons of this world so easily. 

[sugna]

37 minutes ago, Cardinal Richelieu said:

That's brilliant. You should sell that - I'd certainly pay for that. The only drawback is that I'm assuming you won't even be aware of who is using "reaching out" - therefore you might not be able to identify the morons of this world so easily. 

So you're saying that, when I inevitably go postal, "indiscriminate" is the best approach? I like your thinking.

[sugna]

56 minutes ago, MixuFruit said:

thats amazing does that parse incoming emails to change all that or does it apply it to everyone's emails?

It depends how you set up the rule to run: that's quite separate from the functionality of the rule itself. I think that I have I always running, and I certainly haven't seen any transgressions recently (I wrote it last August).

It's ridiculously easy to write these things - this was about 10 minutes' effort, I think; as with all software, it was a quick StackOverflow search and a bit of tailoring for purpose. The Outlook that I have can be temperamental about when it runs rules, and whether it keeps running them (that part is almost certainly my fault, not putting enough effort into setting it up and testing it for robustness).

I had intended to try with a terse bit o' regex; but in the end I was quite happy with that unrolled sort of an effort.

A "properly gets software" friend of mine once implemented a rule (or possibly an extension) that ran on sending: an email body mentioning words of the form "attach%", when Send was hit would bring up a custom dialog that was a bit of a parody of the old Microsoft paperclip condescension. The dialog said something along the lines of, "It looks like you're talkin' 'bout attachments, but you haven't attached anything. Do you want to go ahead and send anyway?"

That was genuinely useful, and replaced self-hating fury with rueful amusement on several occasions.

[sugna]

4 minutes ago, oaksoft said:

You could have an "if" statement which checks to see if a change has been done. Then if that flag is set, add a small bit of identifying text to the email. You could then filter email messages by sender whose email contained that text and bulk email them something offensive in return.

That sounds like a great idea for a film.