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Business / corporate speak nonsense


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4 hours ago, Cardinal Richelieu said:

My boss just informed our department that we need to spend less time "polishing doorknobs". 

Well quite. 

Are you sure you haven't just misheard what your boss said?

'door' can sound like 'your'  in a noisy workplace.

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  • 1 month later...

Me to boss: "Remember I'm out the office tomorrow"

Boss: "Oh, so does that mean you can't make the big kick-off meeting?"

Me: "I'm afraid not"

Boss: "Oh well. Doesn't really matter. You don't need to be there anyway". 

Me (to myself): "WELL WHY THE f**k INVITE ME TO IT THEN"

Edited by Cardinal Richelieu
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Me to boss: "Remember I'm out the office tomorrow"
Boss: "Oh, so does that mean you can't make the big kick-off meeting?"
Me: "I'm afraid not"
Boss: "Oh well. Doesn't really matter. You don't need to be there anyway". 
Me (to myself): "WELL WHY THE f**k INVITE ME TO IT THEN"

The big kick off meeting? Square go’s at work? Time and place? I’ll let throbber and DA Baracus know.
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2 minutes ago, Shandon Par said:

Whenever I email someone at this company it makes me think of The Rangers for some reason...

 

 

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Quote

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I'd say you're in the right thread.

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Just stood through a half hour 'celebration' event as the company I work for is re-branding today, the cringe around the whole event wouldn't have been out of place in an episode of The Office. 

Short uplifting video - round of applause from my colleagues

Speech from one of the higher ups, buzz words glory  - Vision, journey, pride, values etc... - More applause

Speech from another of the higher ups, clone of the above

End of the presentation, we are asked to put our hands in the air and yell as loud as can "We are *new company name*!" 

I love living in Canada but sometimes they really do just come across as plastic Yanks

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1 minute ago, Torpar said:

Just stood through a half hour 'celebration' event as the company I work for is re-branding today, the cringe around the whole event wouldn't have been out of place in an episode of The Office. 

Short uplifting video - round of applause from my colleagues

Speech from one of the higher ups, buzz words glory  - Vision, journey, pride, values etc... - More applause

Speech from another of the higher ups, clone of the above

End of the presentation, we are asked to put our hands in the air and yell as loud as can "We are *new company name*!" 

I love living in Canada but sometimes they really do just come across as plastic Yanks

Sadly all that crap is well and truly on these shores too and has been for some time now.

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4 minutes ago, Torpar said:

Just stood through a half hour 'celebration' event as the company I work for is re-branding today, the cringe around the whole event wouldn't have been out of place in an episode of The Office. 

Short uplifting video - round of applause from my colleagues

Speech from one of the higher ups, buzz words glory  - Vision, journey, pride, values etc... - More applause

Speech from another of the higher ups, clone of the above

End of the presentation, we are asked to put our hands in the air and yell as loud as can "We are *new company name*!" 

I love living in Canada but sometimes they really do just come across as plastic Yanks

Obviously got their inspiration from "Blazing Saddles".

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19 hours ago, DigOutYourSoul said:

Not corporate nonsese but I often wonder what kind of music people are listening to when they've got their headphones in. Probably spent a little too much time thinking about it...

I tend to listen to a Podcast.  

Top tip - don't listen to Athletico Mince in a quiet workplace. Trying to explain that I'm laughing at Peter Beardsley telling a joke about a kidnapping at a school (it's alright though he woke up) to some unimpressed colleagues wasn't a proud moment.

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In the Bank of Scotland call centre they said you weren’t supposed to use phrases like ‘No problem’ as both words are negative and subliminally affect the customer.

 

A huge load of bollocks of course.

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