Farting in public places

[Rugster]

Best story involving me is from a place I used to work. It was an open plan office, and Id either been on the lash, or had a potently strong curry the night before because I was absolutely reeking. Me and my boss sat at one end of the office, with another 8 or so people dotted between our end and the other end. I was letting rip but the boss had the cold and hadnt smelled it. As it wafted across the office the rest of the people started to notice and comments started about the pungent smell in the office. As per the norm in this situation I started to join in with the comments in an attempt to absolve myself of blame.

What follows is all the truth, no embellishment, no poetic licence. It got so bad the services manager for the building was called, and arranged for an urgent inspection of the ventilation system as they thought there was a major problem. Sewage was mentioned. A team arrived in the afternoon and couldnt find any problems with the system (unsurprisingly). Eventually, after stripping up parts of the floor and ceiling, they assured us it wasnt the ventilation. Eventually, the source was attributed to my boss, as whilst the services manager was in the area, he (as he always did) lobbed the dregs of his coffee into a plant pot before making a fresh one. It was put down to the caffeine rotting the roots, and the plants were removed and new ones brought in.

Meantime I evacuated the offending contents of my body that night, and obviously the smell never returned. Ive never told a soul about that, though I was tempted at my leaving night to mention it.

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One not involving me, when I worked nightshift, the drivers had a bothy, a tiny wee room they used for playing cards/having coffee in whilst waiting to be loaded. It was small and cramped and there were usually a fair few folk in. The supervisor shared an office with me and had a habit of being reeking. He was in particularly whiffy form one night, and decided for the next one he was going to run into the bothy, let it rip, and run out and hold the door shut. I liked the idea, and he was ready to go, so we ran out of the office, round the corner, and as he was running up the stairs to get into the bothy, in his rush to get there before he let go, he fell up the stairs and fractured his wrist. He farted as he hit the deck. The description of what he was doing at the time for the accident book had to be slightly manipulated.

[trainspotter]

In the gents at Hexham Racecourse last year, and some poor sod in a cubicle lets go one which may have registered on the Richter scale. There are some places where this may have passed off without comment - a bog full of drunk Geordies isn't one of them.

[bullywee]

When he was around 11/12, one of my pals farted well in excess of 100 times (we didn't immediately start counting so the exact number is unknown) in a 15-20 minute period. Most of them only took the form of small popples of objectionable gas, but they were also interspersed with some real leviathans of effluvium projecting from his rusty bugle.

I genuinely believe that it might be a World Record, at least in that age-range.

[mizfit]

I've spent since work finished farting in my bedroom, my dads just opened up the door took a sniff, he immediately closed the door proclaiming me to be a disgrace to the human race and to clean my arse up

[marty the bullwee man]

I have once let rip in work once due to the narrow lanes we had to work in the smell lingers. walked away from my handy work. Only to see a group of new starts enter the lane i had just made the fart of death. Saw some og them mainly girls pull a horrid face the guy training them gave me a look of ya claty b*****d as i walked passes pishing my self laughing.

[Hillonearth]

Played in a band with a bass player who could fart at will. Not real farts you understand, but he had the ability to suck air up his hoop and expel it on request.

I wish I'd gone to school with him.

In order to power up as it were, he had to do some weird manoeuvres which were similar to a sumo wrestler getting ready for a bout, bending double, lifting one leg at a time, which was quite a performance in itself, but he excelled himself one night when we were playing the Venue in Glasgow (now the G2) when he accepted the "do 60 farts in a minute" challenge, got to 51 or 52 and shat himself.

The story's got a happy ending though - he managed it a few weeks later in Dumfries.

Reach for the stars.

[Guest]

Not many gentlemen in this thread.

[Skintight]

I remember when I was 6 or 7 and I was in my friend's house when his old boy came into the room and started tickling my pal. He then proceeded to sit on his son's chest pinning his arms in the process, took his breeks and knickers down and let rip right into the poor guy's face. Quality

I have never intentionally farted in front of any girlfriend or wife.

[KnightswoodBear]

I remember when I was 6 or 7 and I was in my friend's house when his old boy came into the room and started tickling my pal. He then proceeded to sit on his son's chest pinning his arms in the process, took his breeks and knickers down and let rip right into the poor guy's face. Quality

I have never intentionally farted in front of any girlfriend or wife.

That sounds like the kind of thing you should be retelling in court, with the use of visual aid dolls to show the jury where Uncle Badtouch touched the boy.

[Hillonearth]

I remember when I was 6 or 7 and I was in my friend's house when his old boy came into the room and started tickling my pal. He then proceeded to sit on his son's chest pinning his arms in the process, took his breeks and knickers down and let rip right into the poor guy's face. Quality

Christ, what was your pal's surname - Fritzl?

[BONACCORD1]

I read a story that a guy got charged with manslaughter after farting in bed and gave her a dutch oven,seemingly she made the bed so tight that when he covered her head no oxygen could get in and she suffocated ,must have been terrible at funeral with inlaws.try googlin dutch oven murder u can see it as I dont know how to link it on here .great laff

[Hillonearth]

A bit off topic, but I saw this on the news yesterday.

See if your significant other still thinks they're cute after watching this...

[welshbairn]

I read a story that a guy got charged with manslaughter after farting in bed and gave her a dutch oven,seemingly she made the bed so tight that when he covered her head no oxygen could get in and she suffocated ,must have been terrible at funeral with inlaws.try googlin dutch oven murder u can see it as I dont know how to link it on here .great laff

Did as you suggested: http://skeptics.stackexchange.com/questions/17409/did-someone-die-in-a-dutch-oven

[BONACCORD1]

Cheers mate ,funny as fcuk thanks

[ecto]

Nothing worse than being somewhere and walking into someone else's smell

[welshbairn]

Cheers mate ,funny as fcuk thanks

Cheers, if you like that one..

At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II. They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses. As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity. Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.

Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation. She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control."

George W., ever the Texas gentleman, replied, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses."

[BONACCORD1]

Haaaaa classic

[boaby ramone]

i went to school with a guy who fart on demand just by sucking air up into his ringpiece.

we used to deliberately have a carry on before a class started.once we had settled down the silence would be broken by one of his anal fanfares.

the noises he could make were incredible.

[P.C]

Some of these actually have me in tears at work, just as well my boss isn't here

My mate was once thrown out of a pub after consuming one of their chilli toasties and then farting it back out. He is banned from eating chilli toasties

Another I remember is standing in a London airport (forget which one) we had spent the weekend in Woking playing in a charity football match and we were all suffering. Since there was about 14 of us that went down we had a kit bag for all the strips and had to be checked in before the flight. We all stood chatting in the queue when one of the guys started giggling as we turned to ask him why the full horror of what he had done was apparant, the smell was actually making us gag but we were still about 10 folk away from the front of the queue with another 10 behind us. We scattered coughing and sputtering leaving the originator and the guy carrying the kit bag looking like someone had punched him. The smell had created a "zone" of a few feet while both sides of the queue moved away from them giving evils to my mate carrying the kit bag

[Monkey Tennis]

I can't quite believe I've found this most puerile of threads so funny.

Despite itself, it's magnificent.