marty the bullwee man Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 Anyone else farted loudly in a shop or anywhere else outside the house. I have a few times worst was in a british heart foundation store in stirling. Let one rip loudly. only for an old lady to tut at me. pity she left as i left a rather nasty eggy smell in the place. needless to say i made a hasty retreat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mizfit Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 I dropped a proper loud smelly one in the middle of the arndale shopping centre in Manchester. the fart was so violent I had to go to the toilet and check I didn't shit myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jamaldo Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 Don't think I ever do this unless absolutely necessary, though I happily will if I'm just walking down the street as it's difficult for whoever encounters my waft to know it was me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
philpy Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 Never ever fart whilst wearing earphones on public transport. Just because you can't hear it... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
capybara Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 I was in Clinton cards in Stirling a while ago and , well it was of the silent but deadly type. I moved away and later spotted the sales girl head to the area of the crime with a can of air freshner. I was quiet proud. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EdgarusQPFC Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 Years and years ago when I was a kid, 10 or something. I had to have my eye cleaned with saline solution as something sharp was caught under my eyelid, this was at the vickie hospital. The saline was surprisingly tickily as the nurse used it and I started to laugh, and them bam! I ripped a monster of a 5 second rasper. My mum was so mortified she left the room and didn't come back until the nurse was done. She later told me she had been unable to control her laughter as it was a small room and there was quite an echo from it. If I did that now I'd have been properly embarrassed, back then I couldn't have gave a f**k, I was just glad my eye wasn't hurting any longer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mizfit Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 I've trained myself to drop silent ones when required, I once done it in the middle of the sandeman and quickly walked off to where my mates were, turning around I noticed a group of females slowly gagging and retching :thumbsup Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aubrey Maturin Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 I was sitting in Falkirk Royal Infirmary many moons ago at a dreadful pre natal check up with the Mrs when a family of stunners all dressed in tracksuits turned up. The place was packed with little seating left and a few tut tuts were heard as the mother to be bellowed ah better git a fuckin seat. The proud father to be and soon to be grandfather decided to plank their large arses on the radiator in the corner and one of them promptly let rip with a fart that almost had the rafters shaking. A stunned silence was broken by the farter proudly shouting to the rest of his motley crew that this place needs its radiators bled. At least the pre natal appointment was memorable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EdgarusQPFC Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 A stunned silence was broken by the farter proudly shouting to the rest of his motley crew that this place needs its radiators bled. brilliant Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa Cuddy Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 If you want to hear loud trumping, work a night shift in a hospital ward, preferably care of the elderly or gastro. Some nights it's like planes taking off. How they don't wake themselves up is beyond me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sergeant Wilson Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 My two best: Fort William, felt it coming on, so went an stood next to couple of tourists and let it go, with a look of fake shame on my dial. Was being lectured and warned about recent behaviour at work sports event, I involuntarily let go what seemed like a two minuter. Team were asked to leave and a letter of complaint sent to the office manager about disrespect. Banned from future events Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
th1stleandr0se Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 I'm in a supermarket. I look left, I look right, look left again then let it out. There's a woman crouched down behind me, silently adjusting stuff on the shelves. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
welshbairn Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 I let off a very loud, revoltingly toxic fart on a crowded tube carriage once. Everyone in the train stared at me. I turned and glanced at the demure secretary type next to me. She went bright red. Everyone stared at her. Result. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EdgarusQPFC Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 Thankfully my body seems to save my absolute worst farts, the kind that would remove the eyebrows from you, until 3am or there abouts. Proper sheet lifters aswell. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bert Raccoon Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 Once dropped an absolute stinker once whilst waiting in a queue in the supermarket. Unashamedly I told my girlfriend it must have been the old woman who was gleefully scanning our weekly shopping. I did eventually come clean but the look on my girlfriend's face at the time was priceless. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
18May1991 Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 I farted in a crowded lift once. It was wrong on so many levels. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Newbornbairn Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LiamDFC Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 I've experienced a couple of these moments, but the one I cherish the most happened in Aberdeen airport. It had been a long, painful day and I was excited to be back in Sunny Scotland, heading home to Dundee for a Steak Pie and a couple of pints with my pals. My work had really stepped up the pace, but I'd somehow managed to scrape through my deadlines in time to make my flight. I was shuffling through the terminal — minding my own business — when I felt that familiar, abdominal tensing that told me I needed the bathroom. 'I should probably go to the bog before the long, arduous journey down the A96', I thought; so I immediately looked for the wee stickman icon and followed the terminal's way-finding system towards the closest shichter. The next thing I remember was reminiscent of a scene from Apocalypse Now. It's all a bit of a haze, but I must have been intending to do a shit (if i remember correctly, casually passing the time by reading some banal report about Sevco). As I settled into one of the bleached-white cubicles, an unsettling groan echoed from the cubical next to me. 'Shit', I thought, 'maybe this stranger is seriously ill, having a heart attack or at the very least is a semi-conscious, functioning Rangers fan reading the same embarrassing dross as me?'. The reality was worse, as the only thing functioning was his arsehole and several thousand cubic metres of methane. Before I had time to react, my new-found co-pilot on the Toley Express hit the accelerator. Hard. I can only describe the continuous stream of noise that followed as a guttural, bone-shaking 'BPVVVVVVVVVVVVV-ARGHHH' effort. This happened over and over and over and over for about two or three minutes, seemingly without break. Two to three minutes doesn't sound long, but I promise you it is. I couldn't even move, such was the shock. With hindsight, I'd say the noise was like dragging a large leg of meat over an iron railing, while simultaneously tearing up a copy of the Financial Times. Anyway, after this worrying explosion of activity, I heard the pan flush and a belt being buckled. The door was opening. 'Hold on a fucking moment', I thought — 'I've just sat through all this and I'm not even going to see who the culprit is' ... so I concluded my own pitiful effort (which probably didn't even merit a wipe as I was so traumatised by the pyrotechnics next-door). Ready to face destiny, I opened the door to be faced with... ... what looked like a boy approximately 12 years of age. The c**t didn't even look bothered — he just finished washing his hands and walked out the door. The only conclusion I've been able to draw from this is that I was sitting next to the b*****d lovechild of Thor and Fat Pat Butcher fae Eastenders.* * I name him 'Thatcher' ETA: Forgot to mention, it sounded like 100% pure farts coming from the poor c**t, therefore not a 'shitting story'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eddiemunster Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 The lifts at our office in town were always really busy, particularly at lunchtime and so I was pleasantly surprised when moments after pressing the button the lift promptly arrived. Our receptionist stepped out holding two paper cups, which held the most delicous smelling soup she had picked up from the local cafe. Pleasantries were exchanged and I entered the lift and pressed for the ground floor. I expected the lift to be stopped at each of the lower floors on my way down, but no, it appeared to be my lucky day as I made it all the way without a single stop. The doors opened and a really stunning woman made to enter, but stopped dead in her tracks and made an absolutely disgusted face at me. Unfortunately the lift still smelt of the soup our receptionist had left with only moments before. Without the visual aid of a cup to clarify what the smell was, this gorgeous woman thought I had dropped one on the sly in the lift and made certain I knew what a filthy animal I was for doing so. It was pointless to try and explain, how ropey an excuse does "somebody had soup in here a minute ago" sound? To make matters worse I regularly saw this woman around the building after this and each time I could feel myself taking a red neck, further cementing my place in her mind as "that stinking b*****d" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hillonearth Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 Three best: I was about eight or nine, in a hospital waiting room waiting to get stitches out. Hot day, and I dropped the silent but violent from hell, which stunk out the entire room. Luckily, there was an old guy in a wheelchair who I'm guessing everybody thought was the culprit - certainly my old dear did. I may have been responsible for having him euthanised. Pished on Guinness on a train in Northern Ireland. Thought I'd sneak one out, but my arse thought otherwise. For residents of a country used to loud noises, the other passengers didn't take it well - a couple changed carriage. Held one in on the plane all the way from Paris, and let rip once we'd got into the car. You can imagine... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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