Have I got Local News For You

[Sergeant Wilson]

I'm sure I've been through Drummore and I'm surprised the locals didn't start worshipping the strange gift from the gods...

my fav headline ever, from the Midlothian Advertiser "SANTA STONED BY ROSEWELL MOB".

basically there used to be a parade at Christmas time when Santa would go round Midlothian towns in his sled on a float and some neds through stones at him in Rosewell. Our lovely rivals from Rosewell, Whitehill Welfare FC, were nicknamed the "Santa Stoners" for a wee while after that..

I think you'll find Airdrie is the Santa bricking capital of the world.

[Big Gus]

It must be fucking difficult to set fire to a basin.

Top arsonist.

I was just thinking this - how does one set fire to a basin?

[Sergeant Wilson]

Remember, don't buy any tinfoil you might get offered in the pub. No matter how tempted you are.

[Hedgecutter]

From this weeks Northern Times:

Woman drove campervan at her father-in-law

An estranged Forres couple had appeared on the Jeremy Kyle Show only a few weeks prior to the woman driving her campervan at her father-in-law at Glenburgie Distillery, in an attempt to run him over, the High Court in Inverness heard today.

Lorna Tulloch pursued 77-year-old Gordon Tulloch until he ran up the steps of one of the distillery warehouses for his own safety. But she trapped him by crashing the van into the steps and got out of the vehicle poked her fingers into his eyes and attempted to stab him in the stomach with a knife...

...Lorna Tulloch later told a female witness she had tried to run Gordon Tulloch over. "What am I supposed to do, some folk cannae leave it alone. Every time I come out the door he's at me, what am I supposed to do?"

http://www.northern-times.co.uk/News/Woman-drove-campervan-at-her-father-in-law-06112013.htm

Edited November 10, 2013 by Hedgecutter

[WFAANW]

Man accused of attacking woman with lightsaber

Anakin trying to batter Padme imo.

[young buck]

Published: 12 Oct 2013 17:00

AN IRATE woman bombarded a former friend with abusive answer phone messages over a four day period during which she compared a mutual female acquaintance’s intimate body parts to a "burst couch."

Linda McCormick, 51, of Sanquhar Avenue, Prestwick, began haranguing Alison Pikulshi, at her home in Ayr on August 25.

David McDonald, prosecuting, told Ayr Sheriff Court on Monday that the first threatening message was left on Ms Pikulshi’s telephone answering machine at 10.10pm on that date.

In the call McCormick accused her victim of "touching" another woman and concluded: "Remember what goes around comes around."

Mr McDonald said that Ms Pikulshi received more foul-mouthed messages including references to Botox and cheating on men over the next three days.

He said that the final straw came when McCormick left the "burst couch"

message just after midnight on August 29 and Ms Pikulshi called the police.

McCormick admitted using a public communications network to send grossly offensive, obscene and indecent messages which were menacing in character to her victim.

Her solicitor, Ian Gillies, said: "They used to be friends, but there was a falling out about various things.

"I don’t know why the complainer did not contact the police after the first call.

“There has been no re-occurrence and there never will be."

Sentence was deferred for reports.

[young buck]

MAN HEADBUTTS A PLANE

Ayr Advertiser @ayradvertiser

An oil worker scuppered his plans for a stag weekend in Riga when he verbally abused cabin crew, struggled violently with five police officers and, to round it off, head-butted a Boeing 737.

Thomas Brown, 32, lost the plot on the Ryanair flight from Prestwick to the Latvian capital after he was asked to store his hand luggage.

He snapped after his brother - who was in the stag party - couldn't find his passport or boarding pass and he went to help him search for the documents.

Isobel Vincent, prosecuting said: "He refused to leave the aircraft and continued with this behaviour until 5.25pm when the police arrived."

FOR THE FULL STORY, SEE THIS WEEK'S PAPER.

[sparky88]

potential to be the greatest thread on p&b imo

[Raith Against The Machine]

CLIVE, Dunfermline’s only peacock, will continue to be lonely after Fife Council confirmed they have delayed plans to introduce more into the Glen.

A Fife Council spokesman said the decision was down to the peacock sanctuary’s building being unfinished and that it had “nothing to do with the birds themselves”.

http://www.dunfermlinepress.com/news/roundup/articles/2013/10/27/475799-return-of-dunfermlines-peacocks-delayed/

[NorthernLights]

Some horrific crimes reported in the Evening Express recently..

A MAN has admitted raiding a fountain outside an Aberdeen children’s hospital – for just £2.69.

Arturs Daile used the cash donated by parents and children going through traumatic times to buy booze.

The 32-year-old was traced after a picture of him raiding the fountain outside Royal Aberdeen Children’s Hospital appeared in the Evening Express.

Appearing at the Justice of the Peace Court in Aberdeen, Daile pleaded guilty to the offence which happened on July 26 last year.

Daile, whose address was given in court papers as 158C Victoria Road, Aberdeen, was fined £75.

http://www.eveningexpress.co.uk/news/local/man-raided-aberdeen-children-s-hospital-fountain-for-just-2-69-1.151242

A MAN broke a £200 door after failing to escape with a hamburger and cheese after a botched late-night theft in Aberdeen.

Denzel Bruce, 19, admitted taking the items after he was refused service at Spar, on Aberdeen’s Rosemount Viaduct, on November 9, last year.

Staff member Sachin Aggarwal confronted Bruce, who became aggressive and threw a hamburger and cheddar he had hidden under his clothing to the ground.

Bruce ended up breaking a glass door after he attempted to exit.

Bruce, whose address was given as 4/3 Windlaw Court, Castlemilk, Glasgow, was handed a community payback order.

http://www.eveningexpress.co.uk/news/local/man-broke-door-after-failing-to-steal-hamburger-and-cheese-1.150435

Edited November 10, 2013 by NorthernLights

[Jamie_B]

If this is going to be a collection of ridiculous court stories I'll delve into my archives and pull you out some crackers, all of which are taking the piss out of Dundonians and Fifers, which is obviously entirely fair. A starter for ten:

A MAN who went on the Jeremy Kyle Show instead of doing his community service was today jailed for six months.

Alister Lamb was convicted last year of stealing a string of items - including a TOILET SEAT - from a flat in Dundee.

On November 11 last year Sheriff Tom Hughes imposed 200 hours of unpaid work in the community as part of a community payback order instead of sending Lamb to jail.

But Lamb - who has previous convictions for cannabis possession and assault to injury - completed only one hour of work between that date and April 10 this year.

And when asked by social workers why he hadn't done the work he told them he had missed appointments because he had been filming an episode of the Jeremy Kyle Show.

He had gone on the show in a bid to get access to his daughter from a previous relationship.

His lawyer told Dundee Sheriff Court: "It wasn't as if he went on with stars in his eyes, simply snubbing the court - he felt it was an appropriate way to deal with matters."

But Sheriff Hughes said: "This was not a licence for you to ignore the order and go off on your own daft frolics like appearing on television shows rather than doing the work asked of you."

Lamb, 23, of Baldovie Terrace, Dundee, previously admitted a charge of theft by housebreaking.

He and another man broke into a flat occupied by William Wallace in Whitfield Avenue, Dundee, between February 11 and 12 last year.

They stole a television, an xBox console and accessories, ornaments and a train set.

Bizarrely, the pair also stole a toilet seat in the raid.

In a report submitted to Dundee Sheriff Court outlining the breach of his order, social workers said: "It would appear that Mr Lamb has not afforded his orders due priority which is evidenced by his continued failures to attend.

"His most recent evidence to cover absences was an appearance on TV, namely the Jeremy Kyle Show.

"He reports that he now has access to his children which he contributes to his recent apeprance on the Jeremy Kyle Show.

"There has been no other substantial changes in his circumstances that should preclude him from attending.

"Mr Lamb again has not afforded his order due priority.

"This despite having been granted extensive periods of time in which to submit evidence.

"Even when evidence has been submitted and accepted I have no option but to call in to question his commitment to his order given the most recent evidence used was an appearance on the Jeremy Kyle Show.

"I therefore have no alternative but to request that court consider revoking said order in view to imposing an alternative disposal."

[eindhovendee]

I love this story from the Dundee Evening Tele.

Angus man diagnosed with chronic lateness condition

Jim Dunbar has been late for everything.

Late for work, late for football matches, late for holidays.

He’s left women stood waiting on a first date, turned up to meals with friends hours after he should have and even arrived for funerals long after they’ve begun.

But the 57-year-old says that it isn’t his fault after his poor timekeeping was diagnosed as a medical condition — at a Ninewells hospital appointment he was half-an-hour late for.

Despite his chronic lateness diagnosis, Jim, who has spent most of his life living in Fintry, still struggles to arrive on time as he tackles the incurable condition.

Recently Jim, who now lives in Forfar, tried to go to the cinema. Knowing that it could be a problem getting to Dundee’s DCA for a 7pm show, he gave himself an 11-hour head-start.

He arrived 20 minutes late.

Dundee United fan Jim said: “I got up at 8.15am to go to a David Bowie film at the DCA that started at seven o’clock.

“That gave me 11 hours to get ready. I knew I was going there — and I was 20 minutes late.

“I get down about it and it’s disturbing for other folk when you arrive late.”

In his livingroom, the former Dundee City Council worker has a special clock that uses radio frequencies tuned to a national transmitter to make sure that the time it displays is always exactly right, down to the second.

It doesn’t help.

He has tried wearing a watch, setting his clocks fast and trying to arrive at places early, but still hasn’t found a solution.

He has had the problem all his life — he can remember being late for school at Longhaugh Primary as a five-year-old — and, until his diagnosis last year, blamed himself.

His family still don’t believe him. He said: “My family don’t believe it and think I’m making excuses.

“I’ve been late for funerals and slipped in and hid at the back of the hall.

“I arranged to pick my friend up at midday to go on holiday and was four hours late. He was furious because we had booked a ferry and everything.

“A friend invited me over for a meal and I was more than three hours late. He only lives in Whitfield.

“It has affected my entire life.”

Jim’s condition affects the same part of the brain as Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and means that he cannot properly gauge how long things take. He says that consistently being late has caused him to lose dozens of jobs over the years.

Jim said: “The reason I want it out in the open is that there has got to be other folk out there with it and they don’t realise that it’s not their fault.

“I blamed it on myself and thought: ‘Why can’t I be on time?’. I lost a lot of jobs.

“I can understand people’s reaction and why they don’t believe me.

“It is really depressing sometimes. I can’t overstate how much it helped to say it was a condition.”

http://www.eveningtelegraph.co.uk/news/local/angus-man-diagnosed-with-chronic-lateness-condition-1.124428

[eindhovendee]

He's obviously a lazy b*****d.

[eindhovendee]

Maybe it's just his head that's a couple of stones overweight.

[gingapar]

Our local news is all murders and missing persons. Grim.

[Cardinal Richelieu]

[Stu]

Some horrific crimes reported in the Evening Express recently..

http://www.eveningexpress.co.uk/news/local/man-raided-aberdeen-children-s-hospital-fountain-for-just-2-69-1.151242

http://www.eveningexpress.co.uk/news/local/man-broke-door-after-failing-to-steal-hamburger-and-cheese-1.150435

Arturs Daile? Sounds like a clever alias.

[wingsoverperthshire]

Excellent thread.

[eindhovendee]

What a headline. From the Bedfordshire on Sunday. 'Semi-erect' OAP caught shampooing his genitals on a bus claims he's 'no hardened criminal'

Written byRUPERT MARQUAND

A PENSIONER was caught shampooing his privates on a bus after becoming irritated with his underpants.

Philip Milne, 74, was travelling from Bletchley to Bedford when he began to have some issues with his briefs and unzipped his trousers to 'use some shampoo to soothe his groin area' because he did not have his ointment to hand.

He was spotted by a mother and son who 'were chatting and heard there was something going on' and turned around to have a look, Bedford Magistrates' Court heard today (September 3).

Prosecuting Camille Gifford said: "In essence the defendant was masturbating while on the bus.

“He had his zip undone on his trousers and was rubbing his penis and his testicles."

Milne, of Water Eaton Road, Bletchley, had earlier been to the swimming pool when he was found applying the hair-care product on August 13.

Ms Gifford added: "He said he had some issues with some briefs he was wearing and he was using ointment to soothe the area.

"He says he became irritated but didn't have the ointment and instead used some shampoo to soothe his groin.

"The mother notified the bus driver who then notified the police and Milne was told to stay on the back of the bus.

"He said he wasn't masturbating and resented everyone else on the bus for ganging up on him."

Milne, who admitted guilt to the one charge of an act of outraging public decency, represented himself in court.

He said: "I'm not disputing what was done was wrong but bear in mind I thought I was being discreet."

Milne, who was described as 'semi-erect' during the act, added: "I was treated like a hardened criminal."

Magistrates fined him £75. He will also have to pay £85 court costs and a £20 victim surcharge adding up to a total of £180.

UPDATE: ‘Embarrassed’ pensioner caught shampooing genitals on bus says ‘I have learned my lesson’

Read more: http://www.bedfordshire-news.co.uk/News/Man-74-shampoos-genitals-on-Bedford-bus-after-having-issues-with-his-briefs-20130903121453.htm#ixzz2kHWmfoMG

[philpy]

CLIVE, Dunfermline’s only peacock, will continue to be lonely after Fife Council confirmed they have delayed plans to introduce more into the Glen.

A Fife Council spokesman said the decision was down to the peacock sanctuary’s building being unfinished and that it had “nothing to do with the birds themselves”.

http://www.dunfermlinepress.com/news/roundup/articles/2013/10/27/475799-return-of-dunfermlines-peacocks-delayed/

Must have went down a bit on the pecking order.