Depression

[Lyle Lanley]

Hung like a donkey as well, apparently!

Jammy b*****d

:lol:

[Lyle Lanley]

Hibs c**t!

I see your team got Malmo'd today

[paranoid android]

I see your team got Malmo'd today

Nae wonder I'm posting on the Depression thread!

[KeeperDee]

And with a simple few posts, PnB demonstrates how online societies/communities can help people. Brilliant people.

[Lyle Lanley]

And with a simple few posts, PnB demonstrates how online societies/communities can help people. Brilliant people.

This

Would like to say a big thanks to those that have taken their time out to speak to me

[paranoid android]

A boy I know couldn't be bothered with the daily grind of work post-university and simply moved to France and was living in a tent until a month or so ago. In a way I admire the sheer audacity of him and wished I could be as spontaneous and unfazed about the future as that.

Fair play to the boy - I admire that too.

[Swampy]

If anyone wants to talk about depression they can PM me, incidentally. That goes for anyone.

[fafc1885]

I feel almost the same as DA Baracus said a couple of pages back about loneliness, I don't have many friends and out of the ones I do, I only really hang out with one, who is always with his girlfriend, so I feel like there's not much point in hanging out with him either. With a girlfriend situation, it's been awful, I've never had a proper one, I had an internet 'girlfriend' two years ago and I wish I never did it in hindsight as it was a stupid situation (I think I've mentioned that in here before). I was seeing a girl a month ago but she messed me around and I never really felt right which sounds stupid, but I'm not used to something like going out with someone.

Even at the best of times I feel extremely lonely and I have zero confidence still to do anything to rectify that. The only time I feel comfortable speaking to new people is over the internet as that seems like I can be a more confident person than I am.

On another note, my weight seems to have gotten worse again as I am at the biggest I have ever been and it's only making my mood worse, which makes me want to eat more and obviously that's making me heavier. I have no motivation to do exercise at all either.

I have a feeling I wouldn't be so bad if I had a proper job, just now I volunteer to write reports/articles for Forfar, the local paper, the main women's team and occasionally the local junior sides which is keeping me happy and occupied at times but I was meant to be getting a job with my friend at a cleaning company until they decided to go back on an agreement for a job and not hire me at all. I've also applied for as many jobs as I can with no reply from anyone.

Apologies for the rambling nonsense in this but I feel better saying it rather than keeping it all in.

[DA Baracus]

On the new year point, I don't like it at all. I never really got on with anyone in high school and all my uni mates will be off home over the holidays. Unless maybe a few of the guys and girls from work are up for going to a pub or something then I'll be toasting it alone.

Anyway, I came in here to read/relate a bit and SteelJag's post struck a bit of a chord with me. I'm a second year student but lately I've come to figure there's more to life than £££

When I was in school, it was always about getting the best grades, to get to the best uni, to get the highest paid job. I can't blame my parents for that at all, it was my own way of thinking.

Now, I feel like being 22 and in the 9-5 lifestyle wouldn't be for me. That's no disrespect to other folk that age, but I couldn't think of much worse than getting in to the graduate world early and having a full 45 years of the 40 hours a week, 48 weeks a year type thing. It would just be too much for me.

Also feel like folk isolate a lot more after the first year of uni. Obviously you can't all live together, but it never used to be so hard to find a couple of folk to get a pint or two with if you couldn't get in to studying on a specific night. Probably why I spend half my life semi-trolling the debate threads now. I'm gonna try an stop that.

Anyway, guess I just needed a rant. Call me a fanny if you must.

When I was in high school I was really happy and really enjoyed it. When it got to 5th year everyone started talking about going to uni. The only thing I knew I ever wanted to do when I was younger was to join the Fire service. However they told me that due to being short sighted, I couldn't join, and bang went that. Since then I've had no idea. In 5th year everyone started talking about going to uni, so I thought I would go too. I had no desire to do so really but did so as I didn't know what else to do. I went to Abertay in 2002 and it was a massive disaster. I had never really been away from home like that before and had never had so much money given to me at once (this was when the student loans were given in 3 installments). When I got my award from SAAS I saw it wouldn't cover my rent for halls. My parent's great advice was, 'get a job'. I'd never had a 'proper' job as such at that point so was clueless over that as well. I ended up getting 2 overdrafts to pay for shit (this was when you could just walk in to a bank and get one). I had to leave after first year due to not having a fucking clue what I was doing.

What then followed was four years of shit. I got a job at Sky where I worked 5-10pm Mon-Fri. This is where I started to lose touch with people and became withdrawn as well as feeling depressive thoughts for the first time. I also started to fire on weight. I then got a job at Bank Of Scotland, which was truly awful. I despised it. I really put on weight then as it became my coping mechanism. I lost more friends as found I was just staying in. I lost all my confidence as I put on weight. I came to pretty much hate myself. About the only positive is that I paid off my overdrafts. I became really depressed during this time.

Still not having a clue what I wanted to do in life, only that I cannot stand the 9-5 bullshit, I decided to go back to uni. At first it was brilliant, but I was like a 'dry drunk' and once I had a few issues the depression came back hard. I spent 5 years and only got to 3rd year. I reinstated my two overdrafts and got another one. In my last couple of months I was all fucked up as I knew I would have to leave uni but knew I would have to get a job doing something I had no interest in. I managed to get four payday loans and a credit card all in one week.

I'm now working in a job that's alright, but again it's a 9-5 effort 5 days a week. I have zero interest in it. I have zero interest in wasting my life sitting bored and disinterested all day doing something I couldn't give a shit about. Life is so precious and to waste it like that is obscene. I've wasted the last 10 years of my life and at times it catches me and I can't breathe for a second, and I feel like I've done something utterly unforgivabley awful by doing so. I've seen good friends live good happy lives and some are married and having kids and I feel so uttely alone.

I still don't know what I want to do; I only know what I don't want to do. It's why I've had about 30 jobs so far.

So I think I can trace my problems with depression to feeling trapped living a lifestyle that I can't stand but not having a way out that I can see and feeling that I'm slowly dying.

I feel almost the same as DA Baracus said a couple of pages back about loneliness, I don't have many friends and out of the ones I do, I only really hang out with one, who is always with his girlfriend, so I feel like there's not much point in hanging out with him either. With a girlfriend situation, it's been awful, I've never had a proper one, I had an internet 'girlfriend' two years ago and I wish I never did it in hindsight as it was a stupid situation (I think I've mentioned that in here before). I was seeing a girl a month ago but she messed me around and I never really felt right which sounds stupid, but I'm not used to something like going out with someone.

Even at the best of times I feel extremely lonely and I have zero confidence still to do anything to rectify that. The only time I feel comfortable speaking to new people is over the internet as that seems like I can be a more confident person than I am.

On another note, my weight seems to have gotten worse again as I am at the biggest I have ever been and it's only making my mood worse, which makes me want to eat more and obviously that's making me heavier. I have no motivation to do exercise at all either.

I have a feeling I wouldn't be so bad if I had a proper job, just now I volunteer to write reports/articles for Forfar, the local paper, the main women's team and occasionally the local junior sides which is keeping me happy and occupied at times but I was meant to be getting a job with my friend at a cleaning company until they decided to go back on an agreement for a job and not hire me at all. I've also applied for as many jobs as I can with no reply from anyone.

Apologies for the rambling nonsense in this but I feel better saying it rather than keeping it all in.

I can relate to this as it's happened (happening) to me. It's tough. Same with the whole trying to get a job thing. It's a killer when you're scrambling about trying to get a shitty job but can't even get that, even though you know you could do it well and are probably overqualified in terms of experience for it.

Edited December 2, 2013 by DA Baracus

[Raidernation]

I've just had a rotten weekend.

Thursday, Thanksgiving was great. two oldest came round here and cooked, then we went to one of there's to spend more time with family, eat more etc.

Then Bang! Thursday night/ Friday early hours I'm all alone in this house again feeling sorry for myself missing my wife, getting all upset. Missing my last wife, getting really upset. I'd bought booze so the drinkers could have a drink, but of course there was plenty left, so about 3am Friday morning I decided a gals of wine would help me relax, then another, then another and a beer as well..................just kept drinking into Saturday, went to be pissed sometime in the morning about 11ish I think, got up again about 4 and just started drinking again (this is why I've been TT for such a long tie, I'm dangerous)eventually passed out on the couch, woke up in the dark and crawled up to be, spent most of yesterday throwing up/feeling like shit (still feel pretty crappy and tired today. Remaining booze has gone down the sink, don't think I've eaten since Thursday and really don't feel like it

Feeling pretty low still, and waiting on a call from the doc with blood test results from last Wednesday (the fact she said she would call is not encouraging) but that could be me just being negative.

I have work this afternoon and really can't be arsed, but I know it will do me good to go, "keep me busy" as it were.

Anyway, I will be better I just need to not get so upset and I really need to stay away from the alcohol

[DjembaDjemba]

When I was in high school I was really happy and really enjoyed it. When it got to 5th year everyone started talking about going to uni. The only thing I knew I ever wanted to do when I was younger was to join the Fire service. However they told me that due to being short sighted, I couldn't join, and bang went that. Since then I've had no idea. In 5th year everyone started talking about going to uni, so I thought I would go too. I had no desire to do so really but did so as I didn't know what else to do. I went to Abertay in 2002 and it was a massive disaster. I had never really been away from home like that before and had never had so much money given to me at once (this was when the student loans were given in 3 installments). When I got my award from SAAS I saw it wouldn't cover my rent for halls. My parent's great advice was, 'get a job'. I'd never had a 'proper' job as such at that point so was clueless over that as well. I ended up getting 2 overdrafts to pay for shit (this was when you could just walk in to a bank and get one). I had to leave after first year due to not having a fucking clue what I was doing.

What then followed was four years of shit. I got a job at Sky where I worked 5-10pm Mon-Fri. This is where I started to lose touch with people and became withdrawn as well as feeling depressive thoughts for the first time. I also started to fire on weight. I then got a job at Bank Of Scotland, which was truly awful. I despised it. I really put on weight then as it became my coping mechanism. I lost more friends as found I was just staying in. I lost all my confidence as I put on weight. I came to pretty much hate myself. About the only positive is that I paid off my overdrafts. I became really depressed during this time.

Still not having a clue what I wanted to do in life, only that I cannot stand the 9-5 bullshit, I decided to go back to uni. At first it was brilliant, but I was like a 'dry drunk' and once I had a few issues the depression came back hard. I spent 5 years and only got to 3rd year. I reinstated my two overdrafts and got another one. In my last couple of months I was all fucked up as I knew I would have to leave uni but knew I would have to get a job doing something I had no interest in. I managed to get four payday loans and a credit card all in one week.

I'm now working in a job that's alright, but again it's a 9-5 effort 5 days a week. I have zero interest in it. I have zero interest in wasting my life sitting bored and disinterested all day doing something I couldn't give a shit about. Life is so precious and to waste it like that is obscene. I've wasted the last 10 years of my life and at times it catches me and I can't breathe for a second, and I feel like I've done something utterly unforgivabley awful by doing so. I've seen good friends live good happy lives and some are married and having kids and I feel so uttely alone.

I still don't know what I want to do; I only know what I don't want to do. It's why I've had about 30 jobs so far.

So I think I can trace my problems with depression to feeling trapped living a lifestyle that I can't stand but not having a way out that I can see and feeling that I'm slowly dying.

I can relate to this as it's happened (happening) to me. It's tough. Same with the whole trying to get a job thing. It's a killer when you're scrambling about trying to get a shitty job but can't even get that, even though you know you could do it well and are probably overqualified in terms of experience for it.

Holy shit I can really relate to this post. I can't be bothered typing my story but its pretty similar.

I have been getting treated for depression for 8 years, though this year just stopped taking my pills completely and haven't started again. It was a high dose and they fucked with my system.

[Smurph]

With a girlfriend situation, it's been awful, I've never had a proper one, I had an internet 'girlfriend' two years ago and I wish I never did it in hindsight as it was a stupid situation (I think I've mentioned that in here before). I was seeing a girl a month ago but she messed me around and I never really felt right which sounds stupid, but I'm not used to something like going out with someone.

Even at the best of times I feel extremely lonely and I have zero confidence still to do anything to rectify that. The only time I feel comfortable speaking to new people is over the internet as that seems like I can be a more confident person than I am.

Preach to the choir, brother. I've never had a proper girlfriend either. My longest relationship, if you will, was when I was 15 (I'm now 20) and it lasted for a grand total of three weeks. I've been on dates with a few girls more recently and it's not worked out for whatever reason, and much like yourself, I met them on the internet too. It's really horrible, but all I can recommend really is trying to meet them as early as possible - not too early, but suggest trying to meet up with them in real life. Don't view them as a potential girlfriend, but just as a friend. It will be hard at first and you'll probably be a nervous wreck, I certainly was, but it's not too dissimilar to a job interview, and the more often you do it the better it gets. If you get knocked back you shouldn't take it too seriously, it happens to everyone and we've all been there. If you meet up with them but it doesn't work out too much, that's fine, but at least you've tried and maybe you will be able to keep in touch with them and make some friends out of it. Confidence is hard to come by, I'm ridiculously unconfident and it really has had a big impact on my life, but just try and see it as an act more than anything - you don't need to be confident, just pretend you are.

I'm probably the worst person in the world to get relationship advice from but our situations aren't too far apart. None of my 'dates' have worked out btw, but it was good experience I guess. I still keep in contact with them to an extent so that's pretty cool.

Edited December 3, 2013 by Smurph

[RH33]

Sitting killing time before I see psychologist.

Really horrible few days but got through it. I've a contract of safety in place with psychologist. Self harm and we stop working together. Seems to be effective.

[GordieBoy80]

This thread is an excellent one and I had no idea so many people were/are in a similar situation to me with regards to depression/a low mood.

My Mum and Dad split up when I was pretty young but even before that my Dad made no secret of the fact that my sister was his favourite, I had a lot of health issues when I was younger and he couldn't be bothered with it and it showed. (He actually gave my Pars season ticket to one of his mates).

After he left my Mum and sister had constant arguments about him leaving for whatever reason, my Dad thinking the best day to come and pick up his belongings would be on my sister's birthday.

He used to phone us twice a week after he moved down to England but this soon changed to once a week and then not at all.

I was bullied pretty regularly at school as the part of Dunfermline where the primary school is that I attended there is/was a massive social stigma attached to single parent families and that seriously knocked my confidence, high school I was just really known as the weird loner.

My confidence with girls is virtually non-existent and due to high school my natural reaction to any woman that shows any sort of interest is that they're taking the piss.

I got really friendly with a girl I worked with in 2006 and while I was off in the sick with knee problems she was in constant contact asking how I was etc. and when she found out I wanted something more she decided to string me along and I really thought I had a chance there. She told me that she was bringing her new boyfriend to her birthday night out and admittedly this is a huge overreaction but after several years of rejection going back to when I was a kid I decided I had had enough and decided to take every pill I could find in the house. Luckily my youngest sister was eavesdropping on a phone conversation and quickly told my Mum who made sure I was taken to hospital where I was made to induce vomiting otherwise my stomach was getting pumped. I saw this girl in the pub the other week and she spoke to me, strangely enough I could not be bothered with her. Something of a turnaround there.

August 2007, The Pars had just been relegated and we think winning the first division is a mere formality. We get a reality check losing 2-1 in the first game at New Douglas Park. My mate and I check out the queue on the platform for the train back to Glasgow and decide to wait it out in the pub for a while. Huge mistake, we are approached by a female 'Hamilton' fan who engages in some banter with us, we have a few drinks, give her our numbers and then we go home. On the following Monday I get a text asking to meet again, and say ok. She comes over to Dunfermline on the Friday and we start going out. Nearly a month later we have a massive argument, she dumps me and is in bed with my mate that night (this, after her lying about carrying my child and then losing it). I walk into the doctor, tell them I don't trust myself and spend the weekend in ward 2 in the Queen Margaret. Amazingly I decided to take her back mostly because I didn't think I could do any better, we then had a very stormy on/off relationship before she decided to start sleeping with her cousin.

Weirdly enough, one of the best things that happened to me was tearing my MCL as it allowed me to reflect on my life path and where I was going with it so I went back to college and studied hospitality and it has led me to where I am now in my honours year of Event Management at the 'Bovine University' UWS. However there was serious doubt over whether or not I would be able to even start at uws, some people may remember my gall bladder polyps thread a couple of years ago. I was in excruciating pain and was supposed to get my gall bladder out but after a few days in hospital a CAT scan found nothing and I was sent home. It is managed by infrequent use of pills now and is a hell of a lot better but at the time I was really down and spent a lot of time in my bed.

My general mood and confidence is a bit better these days although there are some times where I just feel so lethargic and can't be bothered with anyone. My Dad comes up at least once a year and I can't be bothered with him unless I am absolutely wrecked which is not healthy at all. I also seem to turn to drink when I am struggling with my uni work as I still get the feeling of not being good enough and as we all know drink gives us an inflated sense of self-confidence. Again, not healthy.

Like a lot of people I try and hide behind wit and din't tend to show how I'm really feeling. Sorry for the big long massive ramble but I felt I needed to vent.

[ayrmad]

This thread is an excellent one and I had no idea so many people were/are in a similar situation to me with regards to depression/a low mood.

My Mum and Dad split up when I was pretty young but even before that my Dad made no secret of the fact that my sister was his favourite, I had a lot of health issues when I was younger and he couldn't be bothered with it and it showed. (He actually gave my Pars season ticket to one of his mates).

After he left my Mum and sister had constant arguments about him leaving for whatever reason, my Dad thinking the best day to come and pick up his belongings would be on my sister's birthday.

He used to phone us twice a week after he moved down to England but this soon changed to once a week and then not at all.

I was bullied pretty regularly at school as the part of Dunfermline where the primary school is that I attended there is/was a massive social stigma attached to single parent families and that seriously knocked my confidence, high school I was just really known as the weird loner.

My confidence with girls is virtually non-existent and due to high school my natural reaction to any woman that shows any sort of interest is that they're taking the piss.

I got really friendly with a girl I worked with in 2006 and while I was off in the sick with knee problems she was in constant contact asking how I was etc. and when she found out I wanted something more she decided to string me along and I really thought I had a chance there. She told me that she was bringing her new boyfriend to her birthday night out and admittedly this is a huge overreaction but after several years of rejection going back to when I was a kid I decided I had had enough and decided to take every pill I could find in the house. Luckily my youngest sister was eavesdropping on a phone conversation and quickly told my Mum who made sure I was taken to hospital where I was made to induce vomiting otherwise my stomach was getting pumped. I saw this girl in the pub the other week and she spoke to me, strangely enough I could not be bothered with her. Something of a turnaround there.

August 2007, The Pars had just been relegated and we think winning the first division is a mere formality. We get a reality check losing 2-1 in the first game at New Douglas Park. My mate and I check out the queue on the platform for the train back to Glasgow and decide to wait it out in the pub for a while. Huge mistake, we are approached by a female 'Hamilton' fan who engages in some banter with us, we have a few drinks, give her our numbers and then we go home. On the following Monday I get a text asking to meet again, and say ok. She comes over to Dunfermline on the Friday and we start going out. Nearly a month later we have a massive argument, she dumps me and is in bed with my mate that night (this, after her lying about carrying my child and then losing it). I walk into the doctor, tell them I don't trust myself and spend the weekend in ward 2 in the Queen Margaret. Amazingly I decided to take her back mostly because I didn't think I could do any better, we then had a very stormy on/off relationship before she decided to start sleeping with her cousin.

Weirdly enough, one of the best things that happened to me was tearing my MCL as it allowed me to reflect on my life path and where I was going with it so I went back to college and studied hospitality and it has led me to where I am now in my honours year of Event Management at the 'Bovine University' UWS. However there was serious doubt over whether or not I would be able to even start at uws, some people may remember my gall bladder polyps thread a couple of years ago. I was in excruciating pain and was supposed to get my gall bladder out but after a few days in hospital a CAT scan found nothing and I was sent home. It is managed by infrequent use of pills now and is a hell of a lot better but at the time I was really down and spent a lot of time in my bed.

My general mood and confidence is a bit better these days although there are some times where I just feel so lethargic and can't be bothered with anyone. My Dad comes up at least once a year and I can't be bothered with him unless I am absolutely wrecked which is not healthy at all. I also seem to turn to drink when I am struggling with my uni work as I still get the feeling of not being good enough and as we all know drink gives us an inflated sense of self-confidence. Again, not healthy.

Like a lot of people I try and hide behind wit and din't tend to show how I'm really feeling. Sorry for the big long massive ramble but I felt I needed to vent.

Good for you, you'll feel better just posting that.

[gorilla]

Speaking as someone currently suffering from Depression it is a horrible hidden illness that not many people understand how it makes you feel.

I can go through days where I just don't know what to do and feel that getting out of bed isn't worth it. There are only a few things that get me through just now.

The big problem that I found was asking for help as I'm not the type of person to do that I'm usually the one there trying to help others.

[invergowrie arab]

After feeling fine for almost 18 months now beginning to feel a bit of a wobble of late. I think it is pressure of the dream job that I have been chasing for 2 years, not that I'm struggling but more that I'm paranoid I'm upsetting people. Part of the job is upsetting people that need upset and I suppose I just have to be more hard nosed but I have a bad habit of ruminating on things and making up wee scenarios in my head where folk are speaking about me or I get into conflict with them.

Also have no relationship with my gf of 4 years to speak of. We sit on laptop or phone all night doing our own thing, go to bed at different times and go to work at different times. I don't find that upsetting in and of itself it's more how much I don't really care that this is happening. Also rubbering nights out with friends to sit in house alone on Saturday which is a sure sign I'm on the wrong road. When I start going cold or neutral on personal relationships it's usually a really bad sign.

Add to this I have had a bad knee injury so the good coping techniques of hillwalking and swimming have been replaced with the bad ones of binge drinking and food.

I probably know.the sort of things I need to do to get it sorted so hopefully throwing this out into the public domain and acknowledging it will be the catalyst to do that.

[ayrmad]

Those worrying about not having had a girlfriend etc should try to relax about that. I had a girlfriend at 17 who was a prize idiot. I was only with her for a few months but I didn't have a real girlfriend again until I was 26. 7 years on we are very happily married with baby and dog.

During that 9 year relationship hiatus I did try but found I only had the confidence required to engage with girls when smashed in nightclubs. Eventually I got lucky and it paid off. Had interweb dating been socially acceptable from 2000-2005 I'd have been all over it.

A couple of close family members struggled badly with confidence. Nicer people you could not meet but they were shy and really struggled socially for a lot of reasons. Both ended up on anti-depressants and at one point one of them spent a week in a psychiatric ward. Those were really dark times. Both are now married. One is living in the US, in Michagan, and one has a wee girl with his wife and they are happy too.

In the darkest moments it's important to remember that everything is temporary and everything can and does change.

I must admit that my mind immediately entered the gutter when I read that part.

[Unleash The Nade]

Just had a look at this thread and am absolutely astounded by the openness, honesty and bravery of many people in what must be very difficult situations for them to discuss.

We all like a joke, wind-up and put down on P&B, but this thread just shows the caring and compassionate side and I'm sure some of the people posting here about their problems, have found real comfort and solace in others and also in much of the good advice and support offered.

Good on you all for offering such support to one another and for those who are suffering from this illness, I truly hope you get better soon

[Broken Algorithms]

Fair play for posting that Gordie. This thread is brilliant for throwing out any issues. As said it's excellent to see so many people being open about their lives. A lot of the time it does help to read how others are handling things and doing better.

Also kudos to swampy for the pm offer to people.