Depression

[Richey Edwards]

I am having a depressive episode and the urge to harm myself was strong earlier. I still have it. I haven't done anything though. I won't do anything. 

I do not want to harm myself so have been fighting it. It's weird how depression can make you feel that you're a piece of shit and should hurt yourself even though you don't want to.

It'll pass anyway. I've got some music on.

 

[superwell87]

7 minutes ago, Richey Edwards said:

I am having a depressive episode and the urge to harm myself was strong earlier. I still have it. I haven't done anything though. I won't do anything. 

I do not want to harm myself so have been fighting it. It's weird how depression can make you feel that you're a piece of shit and should hurt yourself even though you don't want to.

It'll pass anyway. I've got some music on.

 

Hope you are ok mate. I've had more than a few episodes myself recently, but I am getting by. Music is therapeutic and always seems to help me. Stay strong and feel free to drop me a DM (same applies to all) if you feel you need a chat. Depression is a c**t. 

[sophia]

7 minutes ago, Richey Edwards said:

 

It'll pass. I've got some music on.

 

You're absolutely right, it will pass and for now your music will chamfer the ragged edges.

 

 

[Richey Edwards]

5 minutes ago, superwell87 said:

Hope you are ok mate. I've had more than a few episodes myself recently, but I am getting by. Music is therapeutic and always seems to help me. Stay strong and feel free to drop me a DM (same applies to all) if you feel you need a chat. Depression is a c**t. 

 

2 minutes ago, sophia said:

You're absolutely right, it will pass and for now your music will chamfer the ragged edges.

 

 

Yeah, I'm currently in a Spotify rabbithole. I found that the theme song from the TV show Monkey is on Spotify and that nostalgia trip amused me a little bit.

[RawB93]

56 minutes ago, Richey Edwards said:

I am having a depressive episode and the urge to harm myself was strong earlier. I still have it. I haven't done anything though. I won't do anything. 

I do not want to harm myself so have been fighting it. It's weird how depression can make you feel that you're a piece of shit and should hurt yourself even though you don't want to.

I've been the same the last few days. I'm not suicidal but I keep thinking about hurting myself and dying. About possible accidents that may happen that would relieve me from my struggles. I'm not sure I want to die or else I'd have made attempts to do so. But I feel so stuck where I'm at and the thought of the future, whether it be the same or different gives me the fear. I don't feel capable of changing/improving my circumstances and like I'm just killing time, pissing my life away waiting for something external happening to make it all go away and I'll be happy again.

I've been struggling to stay on top of my studies. I know I'm capable, it's motivation and focus that's the issue. That and the worry of it preventing me sleeping the day before I've to go in. Even something like a doctors appt will keep me up 'til 5/6am and then I invariably sleep through it. Even when I do get caught up with my work I then avoid it for weeks as a means of getting away from the stress again, but that obviously only takes me back to the same hole I just dug myself out of. It feels never ending and like I'm always trying to claw my way up, rather than ever being at the top and happily glancing back down.

I've been on medication for the best part of a year (far from my first time I should add, I think this is my 6th or 7th different anti-depressant) but this has led to me putting on weight and losing much of my libido. Which only makes me feel worse about myself. I don't want to continue with studying as I don't think I can cope with it. But I've also never had a job for any longer than a couple of months and I'm nearly 30, with massive gaps of years in my employment history. I thought studying would be an easier alternative to working but it hasn't worked out like that and now I'm left feeling like there's nothing I can do. I don't want to be on the broo or signed off work again. I want a purpose, I want to feel proud of myself and capable but it just isn't happening for me.

I've not long moved to Glasgow and sorting my house out has been tough as I don't have much money. I've still got boxes taking up loads of space and rooms with no flooring down, so my house doesn't feel like a safe/comfy refuge. I've been on a few dates which have gone well and reconciled with old friends and my social life has definitely improved, but I can't help but feel bleakness when thinking of the future or indeed the present. I feel like my life has been on pause, or at best on a monthly loop for the last 7 or 8 years.

Nothing particularly helpful to add, just venting I guess so apologies for the selfishness of that. But I do feel a little lighter for having done so. So that's something.

Edited May 29, 2022 by RawB93

[Loonytoons]

I've been the same the last few days. I'm not suicidal but I keep thinking about hurting myself and dying. About possible accidents that may happen that would relieve me from my struggles. I'm not sure I want to die or else I'd have made attempts to do so. But I feel so stuck where I'm at and the thought of the future, whether it be the same or different gives me the fear. I don't feel capable of changing/improving my circumstances and like I'm just killing time, pissing my life away waiting for something external happening to make it all go away and I'll be happy again.
I've been struggling to stay on top of my studies. I know I'm capable, it's motivation and focus that's the issue. That and the worry of it preventing me sleeping the day before I've to go in. Even something like a doctors appt will keep me up 'til 5/6am and then I invariably sleep through it. Even when I do get caught up with my work I then avoid it for weeks as a means of getting away from the stress again, but that obviously only takes me back to the same hole I just dug myself out of. It feels never ending and like I'm always trying to claw my way up, rather than ever being at the top and happily glancing back down.
I've been on medication for the best part of a year (far from my first time I should add, I think this is my 6th or 7th different anti-depressant) but this has led to me putting on weight and losing much of my libido. Which only makes me feel worse about myself. I don't want to continue with studying as I don't think I can cope with it. But I've also never had a job for any longer than a couple of months and I'm nearly 30, with massive gaps of years in my employment history. I thought studying would be an easier alternative to working but it hasn't worked out like that and now I'm left feeling like there's nothing I can do. I don't want to be on the broo or signed off work again. I want a purpose, I want to feel proud of myself and capable but it just isn't happening for me.
I've not long moved to Glasgow and sorting my house out has been tough as I don't have much money. I've still got boxes taking up loads of space and rooms with no flooring down, so my house doesn't feel like a safe/comfy refuge. I've been on a few dates which have gone well and reconciled with old friends and my social life has definitely improved, but I can't help but feel bleakness when thinking of the future or indeed the present. I feel like my life has been on pause, or at best on a monthly loop for the last 7 or 8 years.
Nothing particularly helpful to add, just venting I guess so apologies for the selfishness of that. But I do feel a little lighter for having done so. So that's something.

Nothing selfish about venting mate.
Just coming out of my own spell of darkness; so much of what you said is similar to myself.

[Richey Edwards]

I had a good sleep last night and feel better today.

I have the tedious process of taking a photo of a load of paperwork for my evidence portfolio to do this morning, then some other university work to do online. Fun times.

[Derry Alli]

I took the first steps today to trying to be put into a rehab program. Will find more out tomorrow when "the doctor you spoke to previously as in, so there is some continuity in your situation".

Another 14g this past 4 days and I've no idea why I keep on doing it. The "Hahahaha you're some boy" crowd are getting right on my tits too.

I'm actively trying to leave my current role as well now. I have a new career lined up but it's something like 17 weeks away.

[Stellaboz]

Good luck with getting some help mate. Some of the some boy crowd sound like they need ditching tbh.

If you can, surround yourself with smart and supportive people rather than fannies. 

 

[scottsdad]

1 hour ago, Mr. Alli said:

I took the first steps today to trying to be put into a rehab program. Will find more out tomorrow when "the doctor you spoke to previously as in, so there is some continuity in your situation".

Another 14g this past 4 days and I've no idea why I keep on doing it. The "Hahahaha you're some boy" crowd are getting right on my tits too.

I'm actively trying to leave my current role as well now. I have a new career lined up but it's something like 17 weeks away.

Very best of luck with this. 

[Richey Edwards]

3 hours ago, Mr. Alli said:

Another 14g this past 4 days and I've no idea why I keep on doing it. The "Hahahaha you're some boy" crowd are getting right on my tits too.

From experience, having problems in your life shows you who your real friends are.

The people who I used to get fucked up with do not speak to me anymore.  That's no loss. 

[SweeperDee]

3 hours ago, Mr. Alli said:

I took the first steps today to trying to be put into a rehab program. Will find more out tomorrow when "the doctor you spoke to previously as in, so there is some continuity in your situation".

Another 14g this past 4 days and I've no idea why I keep on doing it. The "Hahahaha you're some boy" crowd are getting right on my tits too.

I'm actively trying to leave my current role as well now. I have a new career lined up but it's something like 17 weeks away.

Sympathise with you fully, chief. It's hard, but get those "some boy" enablers to f**k. Tough if you consider them friends but you don't need them in your life just now. I've done the same and it's helped a lot. Give me a DM if you're wanting info about rehab/other programmes. 

[Raidernation]

I took the first steps today to trying to be put into a rehab program. Will find more out tomorrow when "the doctor you spoke to previously as in, so there is some continuity in your situation".
Another 14g this past 4 days and I've no idea why I keep on doing it. The "Hahahaha you're some boy" crowd are getting right on my tits too.
I'm actively trying to leave my current role as well now. I have a new career lined up but it's something like 17 weeks away.

I have had more than one spell in rehab (failure to remain sober after is 100% on me) but I feel there is a difference this time (3 months and counting)
My advice is to dive into all aspects of the treatment you get there, even if you think it’s “daft”, as there is a reason for it all.

As others have said (and you’ll definitely hear this mantra) look to change the people, places and things that “trigger” your use.

Feel free to PM me anytime

[Daydream]

I took the first steps today to trying to be put into a rehab program. Will find more out tomorrow when "the doctor you spoke to previously as in, so there is some continuity in your situation".
Another 14g this past 4 days and I've no idea why I keep on doing it. The "Hahahaha you're some boy" crowd are getting right on my tits too.
I'm actively trying to leave my current role as well now. I have a new career lined up but it's something like 17 weeks away.

Good luck with your situation. You probably will need to distance yourself from some of friends/associates if you are serious about getting on to a cleaner path.

Tomorrow sees me hit 150 days ‘sober’. I have a sober counting app that can be motivational at times [emoji3]

It’s quite the cliche in alcohol/drug abuse circles but getting clean probably won’t be a panacea. I’m still a depressed, stressed, over worked, temperamental tube half the time but at least I’m not drunk all weekend and hungover half the week. Also little improvements here and there can add up. A little exercise, eating better, sleeping better etc.

[grazza]

Been a while since I posted here. I think its more anxiety that I am struggling with at the moment.  Situation with work I have at the moment is really a no win scenario. Started this job in September and its decent enough not too stressful, set hours etc. Though couple months into the job I find out I'm there as someone was off on long term sick, never told this when offered the job, nothing mentioned in my contract. I without blowing me own trumpet have down a good job and they were impressed with me but was only when I found out about colleague off sick that they said they were looking to expand that area of the business and my job is secure and indeed passed probation and have set contract. 

Said colleague is now back and was off for cancer treatment which I can't imagine how difficult was and everyone including myself making sure their welcomed back and assistance as they gradually increase towards normal hours.  Then my role is suppose to involve more projects which frankly they have not really defined yet. My colleague back a couple months now I think is doing what they can to undermine me and make me look bad in front of others. We share same workload and when I ask if something has been done so obvious it is not unnecessarily duplicated I get responded to as if I'm an idiot. If people from other parts of business come in and ask us questions I get spoken over by this colleague as if my opinion doesn't matter. There is few other things that I gave benefit of the doubt but does seem to be an attempt to push me out. 

My line manager is on holiday this week so will just need to speak to them next week and see if there is another role they can find me. Just not happy that I only find out after leaving another job for this that I'm basically insurance for them so if colleague didn't come back from leave they had someone there ready but not made me aware that was why I was there.  I'm quite good at interviews so I suppose I can get something elsewhere but huger step back when I though I had something steady I could  do least for a couple years. I play scenarios in my head and all I can do is not publicly say or do anything and I'll just see what my manager has to say.  Called in sick today, do feel run down but just exhausted and think I just need relief of getting out of this situation.

[DA Baracus]

Your colleague having cancer doesn't give them an excuse to be a dick, nor should it shield them from being telt if needed.

Sounds like speaking with your manager in the first instance is the best idea. Taking the time off you need is a good shout too.

It's a shitter of a situation but sounds like you can get something else if needed, and hopefully won't be too much of a pain if needed.

[scottsdad]

1 hour ago, grazza said:

Been a while since I posted here. I think its more anxiety that I am struggling with at the moment.  Situation with work I have at the moment is really a no win scenario. Started this job in September and its decent enough not too stressful, set hours etc. Though couple months into the job I find out I'm there as someone was off on long term sick, never told this when offered the job, nothing mentioned in my contract. I without blowing me own trumpet have down a good job and they were impressed with me but was only when I found out about colleague off sick that they said they were looking to expand that area of the business and my job is secure and indeed passed probation and have set contract. 

Said colleague is now back and was off for cancer treatment which I can't imagine how difficult was and everyone including myself making sure their welcomed back and assistance as they gradually increase towards normal hours.  Then my role is suppose to involve more projects which frankly they have not really defined yet. My colleague back a couple months now I think is doing what they can to undermine me and make me look bad in front of others. We share same workload and when I ask if something has been done so obvious it is not unnecessarily duplicated I get responded to as if I'm an idiot. If people from other parts of business come in and ask us questions I get spoken over by this colleague as if my opinion doesn't matter. There is few other things that I gave benefit of the doubt but does seem to be an attempt to push me out. 

My line manager is on holiday this week so will just need to speak to them next week and see if there is another role they can find me. Just not happy that I only find out after leaving another job for this that I'm basically insurance for them so if colleague didn't come back from leave they had someone there ready but not made me aware that was why I was there.  I'm quite good at interviews so I suppose I can get something elsewhere but huger step back when I though I had something steady I could  do least for a couple years. I play scenarios in my head and all I can do is not publicly say or do anything and I'll just see what my manager has to say.  Called in sick today, do feel run down but just exhausted and think I just need relief of getting out of this situation.

One thing that struck me here was the possibility that your colleague is being a bit of a bellend because they are feeling threatened. They fell ill, went off sick and came back to find you doing their job and doing it well. Much of this reaction to you might be because your colleague feels that their nose is out of joint here. 

I had a similar situation many years ago. 

Not for a second excusing this behaviour - it is very wrong. But I would agree that you need to speak to your line manager. It seems that the company values you as they are looking to give you new projects. They like you, you passed probation. What you need is some clarity from the company/line manager about your future direction. 

Best of luck with all this.

[Guest Wieghortsnut]

Never really had much issues with mental health over my 35 years up until the last 4 months. Certain things have happened outwith my control and my actions during the fallout have made things worse, like ripping my happy family apart. As it stands I only get my 3 kids a couple of times a week, im out of the family home and turning to things that I shouldn't to numb the pain. 

I have no idea if im depressed or what, but I cant keep feeling like this much longer. I hardly sleep, I dont eat much, I barely speak to anyone nowadays except posting shite on here about dundee or my dog.

Things can only get better??

 

[Loonytoons]

Never really had much issues with mental health over my 35 years up until the last 4 months. Certain things have happened outwith my control and my actions during the fallout have made things worse, like ripping my happy family apart. As it stands I only get my 3 kids a couple of times a week, im out of the family home and turning to things that I shouldn't to numb the pain. 
I have no idea if im depressed or what, but I cant keep feeling like this much longer. I hardly sleep, I dont eat much, I barely speak to anyone nowadays except posting shite on here about dundee or my dog.
Things can only get better??
 

Aye, they can and will get better.
You're describing depression fairly well in your post.
If you've access to an employment assistance programme, use it. If not, see if there is a local group where you can talk about it with other folk.

[carpetmonster]

4 hours ago, Wieghortsnut said:

Never really had much issues with mental health over my 35 years up until the last 4 months. Certain things have happened outwith my control and my actions during the fallout have made things worse, like ripping my happy family apart. As it stands I only get my 3 kids a couple of times a week, im out of the family home and turning to things that I shouldn't to numb the pain. 

I have no idea if im depressed or what, but I cant keep feeling like this much longer. I hardly sleep, I dont eat much, I barely speak to anyone nowadays except posting shite on here about dundee or my dog.

Things can only get better??

 

They can't *only* get better (unfortunately) but the key one to remember is 'this too shall pass'.