Depression

[hearthammer]

13 minutes ago, Thereisalight.. said:

Thank you. The break up was about 6 months ago but it was a headfuck how quick she moved on and erased me from her life. It hurt to know she’s engaged now. She also blocked me this week despite me not messaging her for about 2 months. I guess you can never decipher a narc. 

My Dad would have been 66 and I wish he could be her ex as he wouldn’t believe what is happening in the world right now. 9 weeks ago we lost him and it’s been a long 9 weeks without him.

ill probably go a hike tomorrow and take photos and see some wildlife. The hills I go to I went with my ex, and at other times my Dad so memories come flooding back 

I should try and schedule my night a bit better as I usually just waste hours on social media places like here or Twitter/FB. Nothing productive 

I hope so! My work is tied up in events so getting back to work and going to sports again would be a good distraction. 

Focus on the good/great times with your dad and that should set you in a positive frame of mind for when you go back home.  Be positive and take strength from what you had with your dad out on the hills and beyond..  

PM anytime you want or need to chat/vent/unload mate and make sure you upload your photos to the thread here  

[DA Baracus]

There's no set time for folk to move on, and that includes her. Why is it in any way a reflection on you how quickly she moved on? This seems to be an almost programmed societal thing that folk take break ups and then moving on with their life at the same pace, and that it's somehow a massive reflection of one of those people if the other moves on quicker.

It's nonsense and harmful, and I'm not sure where the perception came from. 

I hope I'm not coming across as a dick here, and I don't mean to sound like you're being unreasonable. It's more a comment on the expectations we're all supposed to have and that we're all supposed to think that things should happen in a certain way and that if they don't we're somehow at fault.

I think the truth is that you were far more invested in the relationship than she was. That's also fine. Folk aren't always on the same page. Hurts that what you wanted couldn't happen but again not a reflection on you.

She quickly moved on. You said it was 6 months ago. Hard as it is, you need to move on too (easier said than done though). Her blocking you is a good thing as it will help you move on. Not everyone can care about everyone else. You aren't part of her life any longer so why is she still part of yours?

Again, sounds harsh, but I don't mean it to, so please don't think I'm having a go at you. We've all been there and it's tough, but combined with your old man going it must be a headfuck.

Be kind to yourself; you deserve it.

[Thereisalight..]

32 minutes ago, NJ2 said:

 

That’s still pretty fresh tbh. Given there’s been developments in that she’s got engaged and weirdly blocked you is something new and just makes you think of it all again.
That’s very recent for losing your dad mate, ex, dad and now this - it’s totally understandable feeling low. He probably checked out before the whole world went daft, can’t say I blame him! If you can go to the hills and enjoy being there, remembering good times then keep doing it - it’s absolutely fine to look back fondly on the good times. There’ll be more good times as well, with someone else or by yourself but there will be food times again.
Yeah, I go through spells of that where I put something on then just sit on twitter or pie and Bovril and realise I’ve not even watched what I wanted and I’m fucked off at the world again so a bit planning and structure helps me get through.
It had better get back to normal anyway, Hearts haven’t lost for a fair while now and I’m getting uneasy! Will I get to boo again?!

 

It sure does make me think of it all again. It’s sad that she hates me (and she does hate me), as I was good to her in so many ways. I hate Saturdays now as that’s the day he died, yet it always used to be “our day”, going to a game or talking about other games. Now I hate it as it’s a reminder of him leaving us. He would be so astounded by the world. Maybe he had the right idea in checking out before all this shit went down. I really wish I could believe there would be good times again but I really don’t feel that way. Instead I’m planning my exit. 

I waste a lot of time on sites like this but I’ll try and get a schedule in place to do something more productive.

haha I reckon Hearts were turning a corner (albeit it very slowly), hopefully you’ll get back to cheering/booing them again soon!

[Thereisalight..]

29 minutes ago, hearthammer said:

Focus on the good/great times with your dad and that should set you in a positive frame of mind for when you go back home.  Be positive and take strength from what you had with your dad out on the hills and beyond..  

PM anytime you want or need to chat/vent/unload mate and make sure you upload your photos to the thread here  

Thank you. I know I should be happy remembering times we went there but it just makes me tear up knowing we’ll never have days like that again. We were never ones to express our emotions or be huggy with one another, but I just wish I told him I loved him more. I only told him when he was slipping away but I hope he knew it 

[Thereisalight..]

27 minutes ago, DA Baracus said:

There's no set time for folk to move on, and that includes her. Why is it in any way a reflection on you how quickly she moved on? This seems to be an almost programmed societal thing that folk take break ups and then moving on with their life at the same pace, and that it's somehow a massive reflection of one of those people if the other moves on quicker.

It's nonsense and harmful, and I'm not sure where the perception came from. 

I hope I'm not coming across as a dick here, and I don't mean to sound like you're being unreasonable. It's more a comment on the expectations we're all supposed to have and that we're all supposed to think that things should happen in a certain way and that if they don't we're somehow at fault.

I think the truth is that you were far more invested in the relationship than she was. That's also fine. Folk aren't always on the same page. Hurts that what you wanted couldn't happen but again not a reflection on you.

She quickly moved on. You said it was 6 months ago. Hard as it is, you need to move on too (easier said than done though). Her blocking you is a good thing as it will help you move on. Not everyone can care about everyone else. You aren't part of her life any longer so why is she still part of yours?

Again, sounds harsh, but I don't mean it to, so please don't think I'm having a go at you. We've all been there and it's tough, but combined with your old man going it must be a headfuck.

Be kind to yourself; you deserve it.

I know there’s no set time to move on, but it did hurt me that she had a new guy within a few months despite her saying I was the love of her life. She also told me her and him had their first date at the same place we had ours, and she knew it was special to me. Those things hurt and damage someone like me who is a deep thinker and soft at heart. I know I sound like a pathetic sap but I really thought her and I would be together for life. It hurts she couldn’t have remained a part of it. It’s just been a rough 6 months, just one thing after another and it’s got on top of me 

[NJ2]

It sure does make me think of it all again. It’s sad that she hates me (and she does hate me), as I was good to her in so many ways. I hate Saturdays now as that’s the day he died, yet it always used to be “our day”, going to a game or talking about other games. Now I hate it as it’s a reminder of him leaving us. He would be so astounded by the world. Maybe he had the right idea in checking out before all this shit went down. I really wish I could believe there would be good times again but I really don’t feel that way. Instead I’m planning my exit. 
I waste a lot of time on sites like this but I’ll try and get a schedule in place to do something more productive.
haha I reckon Hearts were turning a corner (albeit it very slowly), hopefully you’ll get back to cheering/booing them again soon!

Ach that’s fine, let her hate you. Hate is a waste of energy. You’ll find someone who appreciates you mate, more importantly you’ll appreciate yourself in time.
The fact there is now f**k all to do doesn’t help as well. Your dad would want you to keep going to and enjoying those hills or the fitba. He wouldn’t want you feeling the way you are anyway - which I know isn’t easy just now.
Plan and structure in place, up early and note your little achievements - got up, made the bed, showered, brushed teeth, had breakfast early, done x or y, had lunch, etc etc. Little things that might not seem significant but they are! Especially just now, it’s good to keep a structure.
We’ll get there mate, we will. Hearts might not anytime soon but that’ll be okay as well.

[HooseLee]

17 minutes ago, Thereisalight.. said:

It sure does make me think of it all again. It’s sad that she hates me (and she does hate me), as I was good to her in so many ways. I hate Saturdays now as that’s the day he died, yet it always used to be “our day”, going to a game or talking about other games. Now I hate it as it’s a reminder of him leaving us. He would be so astounded by the world. Maybe he had the right idea in checking out before all this shit went down. I really wish I could believe there would be good times again but I really don’t feel that way. Instead I’m planning my exit. 

I waste a lot of time on sites like this but I’ll try and get a schedule in place to do something more productive.

haha I reckon Hearts were turning a corner (albeit it very slowly), hopefully you’ll get back to cheering/booing them again soon!

Don't give yourself a hard time, it looks life is already doi g that for you.  I think the best advice you've been given here is to just move on.  It's the cliche of it'll get easier with time.  So what if you are spending too much time on sites like this.  Whatever gets you through it.  Watch cartoons if that helps.  Stuff it.  The best way out is through mate, and you'll get there.   Give it time mate.  

[HooseLee]

10 minutes ago, Thereisalight.. said:

I know there’s no set time to move on, but it did hurt me that she had a new guy within a few months despite her saying I was the love of her life. She also told me her and him had their first date at the same place we had ours, and she knew it was special to me. Those things hurt and damage someone like me who is a deep thinker and soft at heart. I know I sound like a pathetic sap but I really thought her and I would be together for life. It hurts she couldn’t have remained a part of it. It’s just been a rough 6 months, just one thing after another and it’s got on top of me 

If she is telling you things like where their first date was, she's at it (in my opinion)  if she is doing that, she deserves no emotion from you.   

[Thereisalight..]

14 minutes ago, NJ2 said:

Ach that’s fine, let her hate you. Hate is a waste of energy. You’ll find someone who appreciates you mate, more importantly you’ll appreciate yourself in time.
The fact there is now f**k all to do doesn’t help as well. Your dad would want you to keep going to and enjoying those hills or the fitba. He wouldn’t want you feeling the way you are anyway - which I know isn’t easy just now.
Plan and structure in place, up early and note your little achievements - got up, made the bed, showered, brushed teeth, had breakfast early, done x or y, had lunch, etc etc. Little things that might not seem significant but they are! Especially just now, it’s good to keep a structure.
We’ll get there mate, we will. Hearts might not anytime soon but that’ll be okay as well.

I agree, hate is a waste of energy. I hope I find someone

i know he would want me to continue doing the things we loved, football and bill walks etc. It’s just hard to imagine another 40 or so years of my life without him. He got me into football and was my best pal. I think I’ll work on a schedule tomorrow and try and stick to it! Cheers for the advice and I hope Hearts do get there

[Thereisalight..]

14 minutes ago, HooseLee said:

If she is telling you things like where their first date was, she's at it (in my opinion)  if she is doing that, she deserves no emotion from you.   

Yip and threatening me with the police because I had the audacity to let her know my dad had died (him and her were close). She doesn’t deserve any emotion but sadly that’s easier said than done. 

[DA Baracus]

15 minutes ago, Thereisalight.. said:

I know there’s no set time to move on, but it did hurt me that she had a new guy within a few months despite her saying I was the love of her life. She also told me her and him had their first date at the same place we had ours, and she knew it was special to me. Those things hurt and damage someone like me who is a deep thinker and soft at heart. I know I sound like a pathetic sap but I really thought her and I would be together for life. It hurts she couldn’t have remained a part of it. It’s just been a rough 6 months, just one thing after another and it’s got on top of me 

Sounds to me like she was being a bit of c**t and trying to hurt you by telling you that. Might not even be true!

Being a deep thinker and soft at heart isn't a weakness or a bad thing; just means you're a nice guy, and she's played on that. Another reason why it isn't worth wasting any time thinking about her. Again though, easier said than done.

Question (and again, sorry if this comes across as being dickish; I don't mean to and this is just to try and dig in to the thought process); why did her having a new guy within months hurt you? I know you said that she stated you were the love of her life. That might have been true at the time. It might have been utter shit as well. If it was true at the time then something changed in her and it stopped being true, so she started moving on before she broke it off. If it was shit there was nothing for her to move on from.

You might also consider that she hasn't moved on at all and has done things so quickly precisely for that reason; to try and convince herself, and you, that has moved on. If she's a massive arsehole she might also be doing it to try and make out that she's over it all and how little you meant. In effect it's all an act, and if that is the case then just shows again that she isn't worth the effort/time/thought etc. She should be pitied and forgotten.

 

But all that is easy for folk to say who haven't been through it, and I don't mean a similar experience, I mean exactly your experience, as it's different and unique for everyone.

 

Anyway, tell me to pipe down if you think I'm talking shit!

[NJ2]

I agree, hate is a waste of energy. I hope I find someone
i know he would want me to continue doing the things we loved, football and bill walks etc. It’s just hard to imagine another 40 or so years of my life without him. He got me into football and was my best pal. I think I’ll work on a schedule tomorrow and try and stick to it! Cheers for the advice and I hope Hearts do get there

Good steps mate, hopefully helps. If it doesn’t, there’s plenty other things that could.
Of course it’s hard to imagine, it’s completely alien but we’ll get there. No need for thanks either, all in it together [emoji106]

[Thereisalight..]

9 minutes ago, DA Baracus said:

Sounds to me like she was being a bit of c**t and trying to hurt you by telling you that. Might not even be true!

Being a deep thinker and soft at heart isn't a weakness or a bad thing; just means you're a nice guy, and she's played on that. Another reason why it isn't worth wasting any time thinking about her. Again though, easier said than done.

Question (and again, sorry if this comes across as being dickish; I don't mean to and this is just to try and dig in to the thought process); why did her having a new guy within months hurt you? I know you said that she stated you were the love of her life. That might have been true at the time. It might have been utter shit as well. If it was true at the time then something changed in her and it stopped being true, so she started moving on before she broke it off. If it was shit there was nothing for her to move on from.

You might also consider that she hasn't moved on at all and has done things so quickly precisely for that reason; to try and convince herself, and you, that has moved on. If she's a massive arsehole she might also be doing it to try and make out that she's over it all and how little you meant. In effect it's all an act, and if that is the case then just shows again that she isn't worth the effort/time/thought etc. She should be pitied and forgotten.

 

But all that is easy for folk to say who haven't been through it, and I don't mean a similar experience, I mean exactly your experience, as it's different and unique for everyone.

 

Anyway, tell me to pipe down if you think I'm talking shit!

If she had a new guy within a few months it wouldn’t have hurt me as much, it still would have hurt as I truly believe she was “the one”, but it was a few WEEKS, just made me think that I was easily replaceable and that the years we spent together couldn’t have meant much if she was able to move on to someone new so quickly. 

[HooseLee]

15 minutes ago, Thereisalight.. said:

Yip and threatening me with the police because I had the audacity to let her know my dad had died (him and her were close). She doesn’t deserve any emotion but sadly that’s easier said than done. 

Don't give her an inch now.   If she is going to go that far just for telling her about your dad, she'll grab anything to paint you in a bad light.  If she isn't going to give any empathy about that, she never will.  Off course it's not easy, but do anything to take yourself out of yourself.  TV, online etc  anything.    You'll get through this.  It's like having a cold etc.  One day you'll wake up and the symptoms are gone.  I wouldn't bevy just now.  If you do, don't make any contact.  You know you aren't doing anything dodgy, but it's how she'll paint you and how its perceived.   Saying and doing nothing is the only option.   The best revenge is happiness.  You'll get there.  Just stay away from any contact.   

[DA Baracus]

6 minutes ago, Thereisalight.. said:

If she had a new guy within a few months it wouldn’t have hurt me as much, it still would have hurt as I truly believe she was “the one”, but it was a few WEEKS, just made me think that I was easily replaceable and that the years we spent together couldn’t have meant much if she was able to move on to someone new so quickly. 

Maybe you were easily replaceable, and maybe the time you spent together didn't mean much to her.

That's on her though. Not you. That isn't your fault. If she is a narcissist as you say, then that's totally expected behaviour from such a person.

Most likely she'll move on from the current guy quickly too.

[Thereisalight..]

15 minutes ago, HooseLee said:

Don't give her an inch now.   If she is going to go that far just for telling her about your dad, she'll grab anything to paint you in a bad light.  If she isn't going to give any empathy about that, she never will.  Off course it's not easy, but do anything to take yourself out of yourself.  TV, online etc  anything.    You'll get through this.  It's like having a cold etc.  One day you'll wake up and the symptoms are gone.  I wouldn't bevy just now.  If you do, don't make any contact.  You know you aren't doing anything dodgy, but it's how she'll paint you and how its perceived.   Saying and doing nothing is the only option.   The best revenge is happiness.  You'll get there.  Just stay away from any contact.   

Don’t worry about that, I didn’t even reply to her horrible message regarding my Dad. She unblocked me to send it, then kept me unblocked until last week when she blocked me again. Crazy behaviour when I hadn’t even contacted her or had any intention of doing so. I’m not a drinker anyway but a few times lately ive been tempted to start, just to feel numb from all the heartache. Work was a good distraction but I don’t even have that now 

[Thereisalight..]

17 minutes ago, DA Baracus said:

Maybe you were easily replaceable, and maybe the time you spent together didn't mean much to her.

That's on her though. Not you. That isn't your fault. If she is a narcissist as you say, then that's totally expected behaviour from such a person.

Most likely she'll move on from the current guy quickly too.

He’s a yes man who’ll agree with all her shitty opinions and seems as desperate for marriage as she does. They’ll be together for the long haul. Sometimes I think “if only I’d agreed to marriage”, as she asked me a few times. They say things happen for a reason so f**k knows what reason the last 6 months have happened for 

[DA Baracus]

8 minutes ago, Thereisalight.. said:

He’s a yes man who’ll agree with all her shitty opinions and seems as desperate for marriage as she does. They’ll be together for the long haul. Sometimes I think “if only I’d agreed to marriage”, as she asked me a few times. They say things happen for a reason so f**k knows what reason the last 6 months have happened for 

Just what she needs then! And the reason you feel so upset (naturally) is that you aren't a yes man; you're a guy who had his own hopes and dreams, and that you thought she'd be part of it but wasn't is what hurts so much. Tough one man, but natural and we've all been there (not that me saying that multiple times helps!).

The 'they' who say 'everything happens for a reason' are idiots and full of shit who need ignored. They're the same sort of folk who think psychics/mediums are real and that horoscopes are real. Things don't just happen. It might seem like that sometimes, and it can be nice to think that's true, but it isn't.

[Silverton End]

3 minutes ago, Thereisalight.. said:

Don’t worry about that, I didn’t even reply to her horrible message regarding my Dad. She unblocked me to send it, then kept me unblocked until last week when she blocked me again. Crazy behaviour when I hadn’t even contacted her or had any intention of doing so. I’m not a drinker anyway but a few times lately ive been tempted to start, just to feel numb from all the heartache. Work was a good distraction but I don’t even have that now 

Been reading the last page or so, sounds like you are well shot of her, sorry if that seems harsh but avoid any contact.

As others have said, get out on your walks, and get into a routine while this lockdown is going on.

Get up at a set time, line up a dvd movie or 2, some music or a book,  tidy up, try some cooking, some banter on P&B.

Been a hard time for you but you'll get through it

There are plenty of folks on here who'll lend an ear too.

And don't forget the suncream tomorrow's going to be 18°c

[HooseLee]

1 minute ago, DA Baracus said:

Just what she needs then! And the reason you feel so upset (naturally) is that you aren't a yes man; you're a guy who had his own hopes and dreams, and that you thought she'd be part of it but wasn't is what hurts so much. Tough one man, but natural and we've all been there (not that me saying that multiple times helps!).

The 'they' who say 'everything happens for a reason' are idiots and full of shit who need ignored. They're the same sort of folk who think psychics/mediums are real and that horoscopes are real. Things don't just happen. It might seem like that sometimes, and it can be nice to think that's true, but it isn't.

Spot on with the everything happens for a reason comment.  Not everything happens for a purpose, sometimes it just does.  These tests think a kid getting knocked down happens for a reason.  Aye, they didn't see a fast car coming towards them. It didn't happen for a purpose.  Clowns