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Well, I have a tale to share. It's a little bit cheesy, so bear with me. Or skip past...I'm writing this out more for myself than anything else.

Part 1:
Yesterday turned out to be a bad one. Really bad. As in, tears, rocking back and forth, Mrs Shotgun making emergency phone calls to my family in Britain, the works. For the first time in my life I found myself actively considering ending it all. I've never been that low and I'm grateful to have made it through. We talked about me handing in my notice at work (which would bring a host of other problems but might be best for my mental health) and of maybe checking me into a health centre for some in-depth counselling. I slept well though and woke up to a beautiful, sunny, crisp, fresh snow winter's day - the kind that reminds me why I love living in Colorado. I'm about to go for a long walk with the dug and am feeling much, much more optimistic about well, everything.

Part 2: (Here's where it gets cheesy)
I've never been big on the idea of dreams having significant meaning. I don't like talking about my dreams, I don't like hearing about other people's dreams, I hate dream sequences in books, films and television shows. Dreams aren't my thing, OK? But...

I was playing on a baseball team but being British, didn't really know what to do. The other players were bullying me like I'm in fucking primary school all over again and I'd resolved to tell them what they could do with their stupid game. Then later, someone was on the phone with Andre Previn, the French orchestra conductor, who also played on the baseball team. (If you aren't sure who Andre Previn was, do a YouTube search for his appearance on the Morecambe and Wise show. Why him? Well, I'm not sure but my boss is French and while he's a great guy, who I like very much, I'm having so many problems at work that I've come to associate his accent with negativity and trouble. Coincidence? Yeah, probably not.) 

So here in my dream, I have Mr Previn on speaker phone, yelling at me "Don't quit Shotgun, don't quit. Don't let the b*****ds make you quit!" in my boss's voice.

Don't quit my job, or don't quit life? For the moment, I'm choosing to believe he meant the latter.

So...I'm off for a walk. See you later.
 

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1 hour ago, Dosser-fae-the-shire said:

Having a bad day today. Don’t want to bother my family. Just a complete mess.

Makes 2 of us woke up this morning and first thing i done was break into tears managed to stop the water works at about 2 ish but just lay on my couch feeling sorry for myself. 

 

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Well, I have a tale to share. It's a little bit cheesy, so bear with me. Or skip past...I'm writing this out more for myself than anything else.
Part 1:
Yesterday turned out to be a bad one. Really bad. As in, tears, rocking back and forth, Mrs Shotgun making emergency phone calls to my family in Britain, the works. For the first time in my life I found myself actively considering ending it all. I've never been that low and I'm grateful to have made it through. We talked about me handing in my notice at work (which would bring a host of other problems but might be best for my mental health) and of maybe checking me into a health centre for some in-depth counselling. I slept well though and woke up to a beautiful, sunny, crisp, fresh snow winter's day - the kind that reminds me why I love living in Colorado. I'm about to go for a long walk with the dug and am feeling much, much more optimistic about well, everything.
Part 2: (Here's where it gets cheesy)
I've never been big on the idea of dreams having significant meaning. I don't like talking about my dreams, I don't like hearing about other people's dreams, I hate dream sequences in books, films and television shows. Dreams aren't my thing, OK? But...
I was playing on a baseball team but being British, didn't really know what to do. The other players were bullying me like I'm in fucking primary school all over again and I'd resolved to tell them what they could do with their stupid game. Then later, someone was on the phone with Andre Previn, the French orchestra conductor, who also played on the baseball team. (If you aren't sure who Andre Previn was, do a YouTube search for his appearance on the Morecambe and Wise show. Why him? Well, I'm not sure but my boss is French and while he's a great guy, who I like very much, I'm having so many problems at work that I've come to associate his accent with negativity and trouble. Coincidence? Yeah, probably not.) 
So here in my dream, I have Mr Previn on speaker phone, yelling at me "Don't quit Shotgun, don't quit. Don't let the b*****ds make you quit!" in my boss's voice.
Don't quit my job, or don't quit life? For the moment, I'm choosing to believe he meant the latter.
So...I'm off for a walk. See you later.
 

No idea who ‘Dre Previn is but he kens his stuff.
Makes 2 of us woke up this morning and first thing i done was break into tears managed to stop the water works at about 2 ish but just lay on my couch feeling sorry for myself. 
 

Nothing wrong with just lying on the couch all day mate. Maybe not the most productive but taking that bit of time to ourselves is just as important as anything. You always have tomorrow to be be more productive, don’t fret. Onwards and upwards

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Has anyone else brought general grief and chaos to their life due to episodes of jealousy? I’d forgotten I’d had a problem with it as the last couple of years I’d been focussed on sorting a couple of different addiction issues. 
 

One plus is that it’s a good motivator. I’ve been running, gym, boxing etc and not eating too much. It’s such a toxic problem though so stayed up most of last night reading up on how to beat it and have emailed a counsellor to talk about it too. 

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Has anyone else brought general grief and chaos to their life due to episodes of jealousy? I’d forgotten I’d had a problem with it as the last couple of years I’d been focussed on sorting a couple of different addiction issues. 
 
One plus is that it’s a good motivator. I’ve been running, gym, boxing etc and not eating too much. It’s such a toxic problem though so stayed up most of last night reading up on how to beat it and have emailed a counsellor to talk about it too. 
Been pretty much by myself for years due to disconnecting from toxic friends. I find myself looking at people who I know and think wtf do they have that I dont. People who are horrible to others and have zero depth to their character. Get really jealous of people but recently, last six months or so tried to look at myself and try to stop this mentality. Have also realised that social media creates a false representation of people and we are all fucked up and really the perfect life they present maybe isn't so perfect. I just try to be the best version of myself now and to stop being so angry or upset which I think attracts the wrong attention and leads to more nastiness from others.
I agree with you about using the suffering or pain as fuel for motivation. The david goggins book is helping and I've also bought the book you recommended.
For me I'm saying to myself that people who were messed up projected their problems onto me and turned me into an angry and depressed person. I needed to rise above it but turned away thinking that all of society was like this hence the bullying at work and woe is me mentality.
Need to change completely in the next few months and going forward.

Got a bit ranty there but I know exactly how you feel. I guess dont put people on a pedestal.

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7 minutes ago, D.A.F.C said:

Been pretty much by myself for years due to disconnecting from toxic friends. I find myself looking at people who I know and think wtf do they have that I dont. People who are horrible to others and have zero depth to their character. Get really jealous of people but recently, last six months or so tried to look at myself and try to stop this mentality. Have also realised that social media creates a false representation of people and we are all fucked up and really the perfect life they present maybe isn't so perfect. I just try to be the best version of myself now and to stop being so angry or upset which I think attracts the wrong attention and leads to more nastiness from others.
I agree with you about using the suffering or pain as fuel for motivation. The david goggins book is helping and I've also bought the book you recommended.
For me I'm saying to myself that people who were messed up projected their problems onto me and turned me into an angry and depressed person. I needed to rise above it but turned away thinking that all of society was like this hence the bullying at work and woe is me mentality.
Need to change completely in the next few months and going forward.

Got a bit ranty there but I know exactly how you feel. I guess dont put people on a pedestal.

Thanks. Good luck for this year. There are four addictions I quit about 18 months back so pretty confident I can tackle this. I grew up like an only child so sometimes when new folk come into our circle I can get some mad ideas and a raging strop. What you say sounds good advice on it and very much in line with what I’ve read so far.

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Been struggling a bit recently, lack of sleep due to nightmares. Sadly a downside to PTSD, always very vivid recollections of incidents I’ve responded too in the prison I.e. suicide attempts, serious assaults and GBH, assaults on myself. It takes its toll and just taking each day as it comes. One thing that helps when I’ve had a shit sleep is hearing “daddy I waked up” from my 3 year old girl. She’s the reason I left the service as I didn’t want to carry home that stress, sadly I still am and have come to terms that whilst I no longer work there that it still took a part of me. Stupidly part of me wants to go back when I graduate but I know this would not be productive. Christ, through all the stress I miss it. But guess that’s institutionalisation for you, not just prisoners that get it...

 

 

ETA: I think what’s not helping is it is coming up to the three year anniversary of my grandpas death, he died prematurely at 68, we were very close and he was also the reason I joined the service.

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Been struggling a bit recently, lack of sleep due to nightmares. Sadly a downside to PTSD, always very vivid recollections of incidents I’ve responded too in the prison I.e. suicide attempts, serious assaults and GBH, assaults on myself. It takes its toll and just taking each day as it comes. One thing that helps when I’ve had a shit sleep is hearing “daddy I waked up” from my 3 year old girl. She’s the reason I left the service as I didn’t want to carry home that stress, sadly I still am and have come to terms that whilst I no longer work there that it still took a part of me. Stupidly part of me wants to go back when I graduate but I know this would not be productive. Christ, through all the stress I miss it. But guess that’s institutionalisation for you, not just prisoners that get it...
 
 
ETA: I think what’s not helping is it is coming up to the three year anniversary of my grandpas death, he died prematurely at 68, we were very close and he was also the reason I joined the service.


Apologies if you’ve been asked before, but are you getting treated for this?

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I’ve had ptsd added to my list of fun. It’s awful, nightmares vivid. I already had a long established therapist which helped. I’m having fewer incidents of it, I’m three years on from what happened.

Is there not post employment support through prison service?

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Apologies if you’ve been asked before, but are you getting treated for this?



I’m waiting for my referral to be processed as we speak, not heard anything back yet. I had just been going along with no treatment which was never a wise thing to do in hindsight. I expect the appointment letter to be through in the first couple of weeks of January.

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I’m waiting for my referral to be processed as we speak, not heard anything back yet. I had just been going along with no treatment which was never a wise thing to do in hindsight. I expect the appointment letter to be through in the first couple of weeks of January.


Mental heath referrals on the NHS are dreadful, it took me 3 months to get referred to a volunteer CBT therapist when I first went to the doctor. Pretty shocking although hopefully it’s improved since then.

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Mental heath referrals on the NHS are dreadful, it took me 3 months to get referred to a volunteer CBT therapist when I first went to the doctor. Pretty shocking although hopefully it’s improved since then.


Was suggested to go to the week one charity as they can offer services for a nominal fee. Not sure if it’s group CBT or one on one.

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34 minutes ago, FalkirkBairn93 said:

 


Was suggested to go to the week one charity as they can offer services for a nominal fee. Not sure if it’s group CBT or one on one.

 

Might be worth looking at the Charity for Civil Service they should be able to help you, regardless when you left or how long you were in the service.

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To the brave souls who are enduring bouts of or long term issues, thank you to you all for having the balls/bravery/wherewithal to share your individual problems here.  There's none of us living in the land of "perfect" by any means, but the fact is that everyone who has responded, either here or via a pm, has shown full unity and support for their fellow P & Bers.  When things aint flowing as they should, use this forum as a place to share, vent or rant and you'll find nothing but friendly neebs willing to share any load.

I'm having my own minor issues that have been ongoing for a while now, but i'm happy to be a sounding board or a verbal punchbag for anyone just needing to let something out.  PM me  anytime, and i'm sure that there are others who would be happy to be likewise.

Hope 2020 brings a wheen of positives to everyone, particularly those who feel 2019 has dealt them a shit hand.   Stay and keep safe.  👍 

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I resigned from my job yesterday.

Although it has become a horrible place to work  and was impacting my mental health - due to a moratorium being enforced, and the manager coming in on Christmas Eve to threaten us all with redundancies - I have an anxiety about where I am going to go next.

I don't have anything lined up but since applying for some jobs since yesterday, I already have some interviews. I have this sense of dread that maybe where I end up won't be any better than the job I am about to leave.

I am starting a university course in a few months and despite being euphoric at first as it will enable me to do what I have always wanted to do, I have became apathetic about it which is not a good sign for me.

Maybe the anxiety about stepping off the edge into the unknown is natural, and it will turn out OK in the end. Who knows?

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One of my friends died yesterday, of cancer. Got a mole checked out around a year ago, was running 10Ks and such in the summer, but it spread rapidly lately.

that meant for a horrible nights sleep, and a lot of dreams. One of which had me back with a girl I dated in 2001/2002 and I woke up thinking that was the happiest I’d ever been and that now is shit in comparison.

Its all bullshit, as I’ve a great life in comparison to many, but it’s a fucker when you wake up thinking that. Still, I woke up.

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One of my friends died yesterday, of cancer. Got a mole checked out around a year ago, was running 10Ks and such in the summer, but it spread rapidly lately.
that meant for a horrible nights sleep, and a lot of dreams. One of which had me back with a girl I dated in 2001/2002 and I woke up thinking that was the happiest I’d ever been and that now is shit in comparison.
Its all bullshit, as I’ve a great life in comparison to many, but it’s a fucker when you wake up thinking that. Still, I woke up.

So sorry to hear that mate. Take care. Loads of folk on here if you want to send a PM.

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Just now, Dosser-fae-the-shire said:


So sorry to hear that mate. Take care. Loads of folk on here if you want to send a PM.

All good now. A good walk has sorted me out. Thank you.

As a longtime lurker on this thread, thanks to everyone for sharing and I hope you have a mental-healthy 2020.

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4 minutes ago, Dosser-fae-the-shire said:

Fuckin dreading tonight. First new year without my dad. I know it’s worse for my mum but just sitting here breaking my heart.

PM me mate if you want to chat.  Although there's going to be a void, i'm sure there's loads of positive memories both you and your mum have that will take you back to when you did great things, funny things, stupid things and daft things together either as a family or just you and your dad.  Look on these fond memories and remember that there were really good times as well as the natural way your feeling right now.  Your mum needs you as much as you need her right now.  Be strong for each other mate.  As i say, i'm here if you want to chat to someone at arm's length.

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