Depression

[johnnydun]

6 minutes ago, Stellaboz said:

Cheers.

Ended up going to the site where they "are" and spilling out my heart over a lot of stuff. Think it's helped and already feel better for it.

I never had time to myself to do this and I think I can finally accept and move on properly.

It definitely does help.

I would stand and have full on conversations with my Mum at the grave every year around this time. It really helped as I felt I could talk about the good things she is missing and how the kids are. It really highlighted how good things are in my own life and helped me to some realisation.

The death of a parent is never easy, but it is something that is most likely to happen to us all. I deal with it looking at my own kids and hoping they never get mentally ill due to my death, just like my mum wouldn't want me to over her's.

 

This time of year is a joyous time for a lot of people, get together with family and go to parties with friends, however this can also be the worst time of year for many; dark nights, Christmas debts, away from friends and family, first Christmas without loved ones.... 

 

 

 

[Raidernation]

To all intents and purposes, after a long uncomfortable meeting this afternoon, I’ve effectively been fired.
Shite!

[Dons_1988]

To all intents and purposes, after a long uncomfortable meeting this afternoon, I’ve effectively been fired.
Shite!

That’s shite min, what happened?

[Jacksgranda]

On 09/12/2019 at 06:46, JTS98 said:

Ok. There's probably some of this on here already, but it's a big thread to look through now.

Looking for advice from anyone who's ever given up the bevvy and actually binned it successfully.

The last six months or so I've been doing a lot better than previously. A big part of this was training for a half marathon which involved seriously upping the amount of running I was doing along with stopping drinking. This worked well for me. I had something to concentrate on, running became just part of my routine and drinking was consequently off the table.

Mentally and physically felt fantastic.

However, a couple of weeks before the HM I badly strained a muscle in my calf and the HM was off. Suddenly I had no reason not to drink and in the last few weeks I've done some serious rebound drinking. Friday and Saturday nights just passed are a complete blur and I'm into what feels like the second day of my hangover with associated fear, self-loathing etc etc.

There's no panic here, I know I just need to bin the  drinking. What I'm looking for are any wee tips from anyone who has successfully done it. I just can't drink any more. I can't stop once I start and I'm a danger to myself physically as well as moving myself back months mentally. 

So, who's done it and how did you do it? Obviously it could be quite a tricky thing to do from a social perspective.

AA worked for me.

[Jacksgranda]

On 14/12/2019 at 09:41, Raidernation said:

Regards ashes, when Mrs. RN#2 died I followed her spoken, unwritten request and they went in the Forth at South Queensferry.
Mrs RN#3 died there was a family plot in a cemetery here so that’s where her ashes went. Other than some to make some really nice and non creepy jewelery for her daughters.

I’m unlikely to be back in Scotland anytime soon to be able to visit graves there for parents/brother but I’ve never felt a huge need.

Maybe it’s me but I’m not going to fret over having somewhere tangible to “pay my respect” I think as long as I do remember them then that’s what counts

That's me, too. I'm not even sure where my parents' ashes are, I think my brother might have them, or they're scattered in the Glens of Angus.

I couldn't take you to my grandparents graves, although I know which cemeteries they're in.

[Jacksgranda]

8 hours ago, Raidernation said:

To all intents and purposes, after a long uncomfortable meeting this afternoon, I’ve effectively been fired.
Shite!

Not good, don't do anything silly!

[hearthammer]

9 hours ago, Raidernation said:

To all intents and purposes, after a long uncomfortable meeting this afternoon, I’ve effectively been fired.
Shite!

RN, keep your head up and stay focused on getting  a) yourself back into a happy and comfortable place within yourself and  b) scan the jobs on t'internet that are local to you in your area.  I'm in the middle of applying for lots of jobs including some where i've never done anything remotely close to before.  Had many positive responses and a couple of interviews.  So, if an auld spud like me can get back into the work environment, then you'll be cooking.

The important thing is that you be positive about things in the immediate future and the longer term will sort itself out.  If you want a wee blether wi' an auld duffer who went through a dip not that long ago, then PM me and i'll be happy to share whatever's happening in a private chat.

Stick with it, mate, and things will work out  

Edited December 17, 2019 by hearthammer

[Shandon Par]

On 09/12/2019 at 06:46, JTS98 said:

Ok. There's probably some of this on here already, but it's a big thread to look through now.

Looking for advice from anyone who's ever given up the bevvy and actually binned it successfully.

The last six months or so I've been doing a lot better than previously. A big part of this was training for a half marathon which involved seriously upping the amount of running I was doing along with stopping drinking. This worked well for me. I had something to concentrate on, running became just part of my routine and drinking was consequently off the table.

Mentally and physically felt fantastic.

However, a couple of weeks before the HM I badly strained a muscle in my calf and the HM was off. Suddenly I had no reason not to drink and in the last few weeks I've done some serious rebound drinking. Friday and Saturday nights just passed are a complete blur and I'm into what feels like the second day of my hangover with associated fear, self-loathing etc etc.

There's no panic here, I know I just need to bin the  drinking. What I'm looking for are any wee tips from anyone who has successfully done it. I just can't drink any more. I can't stop once I start and I'm a danger to myself physically as well as moving myself back months mentally. 

So, who's done it and how did you do it? Obviously it could be quite a tricky thing to do from a social perspective.

I've been dry for 18 months now. The social thing is something where you just have to be honest with yourself and extract yourself from certain situations. When you wake up sober the next morning instead of regaining consciousness somewhere racked with guilt you start to appreciate that being sober (and enjoying it, rather than it being a chore) means making some fundamental changes to your outlook. 

I'm a bit snowed under at work to write a full reply but feel free to drop me a line any time.

[johnnydun]

1 hour ago, Snafu said:

I'll get straight to the point I have a lifetime issue with social anxiety with moments of panic attacks, I'll go onto the hows, whys and what I'm doing about it another time. A good part of that is avoiding or putting off what are uncomfortable social interactions which might not seem so to someone who has the confidence. I was my mother's carer when she was at home (now in a care home), she has dementia and I stayed and looked after her welfare and finances for about four years and still continue less so welfare under joint Guardianship with my sister. The problem I have to deal with now that I can't put off any longer is breaking the news about her condition to her friends who haven't seen her for years but still send Christmas cards.

One in particular is a lady whom my mother was friends with while in University over 20 years ago and they have kept in contact up until my mother stopped due to her condition about 6 years ago. The friend sent a letter with the Christmas card about how she is coping with her own problems she isn't very well. Both my mother and her friend have been supportive of each other while very ill in the past, my mother is a liver transplant patient. I'm going to have to break the news probably tomorrow and its going to hurt my mother's friend. I'm absolutely dreading it but its not fair my mother's friend doesn't know and for so long, its really difficult because my mother's friend is so ill.

Hey mate, 

Sorry to hear that, dementia is a horrible illness.

The longer you dwell on this the harder it will get to do. Best just ripping the plaster off and going ahead with delivering the bad news.

Your mum is obviously in her friends thoughts and it is only right she knows, plus it will be more support for your mum.

It will also help you, it will be a small step to building your own confidence and you will see the benefits of getting this worrying task off your shoulders.

[D.A.F.C]

I'll get straight to the point I have a lifetime issue with social anxiety with moments of panic attacks, I'll go onto the hows, whys and what I'm doing about it another time. A good part of that is avoiding or putting off what are uncomfortable social interactions which might not seem so to someone who has the confidence. I was my mother's carer when she was at home (now in a care home), she has dementia and I stayed and looked after her welfare and finances for about four years and still continue less so welfare under joint Guardianship with my sister. The problem I have to deal with now that I can't put off any longer is breaking the news about her condition to her friends who haven't seen her for years but still send Christmas cards.
One in particular is a lady whom my mother was friends with while in University over 20 years ago and they have kept in contact up until my mother stopped due to her condition about 6 years ago. The friend sent a letter with the Christmas card about how she is coping with her own problems she isn't very well. Both my mother and her friend have been supportive of each other while very ill in the past, my mother is a liver transplant patient. I'm going to have to break the news probably tomorrow and its going to hurt my mother's friend. I'm absolutely dreading it but its not fair my mother's friend doesn't know and for so long, its really difficult because my mother's friend is so ill.

Wish you good luck with your mum and her friend. In terms of social anxiety I wondered what you are doing to help with that as I suffer from social withdrawal due to past events and overthinking things.
When you have got through the thing with your mum, hope it goes well. Maybe you could share because I've got no idea other than online dating or meetup events on how to fix it. I feel like I need a stepping stone to this first though.

[Raidernation]

That’s shite min, what happened?

Long story, basically I’ve been asking for help since returning after my brother’s death, been honest about my issues.

Meeting started with asking what they could put in place to help (arse covering and I knew it). Said “no” to every accommodation I suggested and ended with a “well if you can’t work with us”.

Actually, apart from the crap that’s going to arise from this, I’m almost relieved.

[D.A.F.C]

Thanks.
It's individual, I'm far from focusing on going out and meeting people with that intention, but I've set myself reachable goals. I really struggle with everything social but work, I even find going to the football a struggle at times and I used to be a regular home and away games.
So I'm listening to myself more and just being honest, not trying to hide behind any mask or put on an act. Just taking things slowly, taking my time. It's only in the last couple of months that the circular thoughts have stopped that was 5 years of that, every day waking up with the same thing going round in my head, I was depressed for a while, 2017 and 2018 were bad this on top of looking after not just my Mum but my Dad as well. Reading back my posts on here during that time they are so different from say back in 2013 or 2014, its like two different people. Occasionally these thoughts come back and now I just think, ''haven't got time for this crap, get up, move!!'', So I get up out the bed or chair and move about or distract myself with something else like a football forum or listen to music something anything that takes my mind away from that. Thinking back its incredible how many hours I've wasted with the same problem going around and around in my head, the problem was solved, I don't need to keep going over and over it again, I think to myself.
I moved house this year and spend a lot of time on my own, although this not for everyone it is working for me, I have my own space for the first time in years and getting my confidence and own self worth back. Focusing on the new house is healthy, it includes forward planning which is positive.
A good bit of advise, drinking alcohol on your own is out. Drinking alcohol is one of the worst things you could do if you have anxiety. I find even just two bottles of beer throws me completely to the point where I can't sleep so I don't touch the stuff anymore.
I'm setting myself a few easy goals (I'm calling them easy) for after the new year like when I get a free Saturday go along to watch Caley Thistle and if they aren't at home go watch Clach or Nairn County. Another one is once a week going to a cafe and spending an hour there same cafe every week same time, another one is going to the same pub once or twice a week (no alcohol) where I know some of my old friends who I haven't seen in years might turn up, I'm not going to be disappointed if they don't the main point is to go out and enjoy the experience and if I make friends then that's a bonus, I won't put pressure on myself to make friends. If you go long enough to one place the regulars will become curious. I'm not in a relationship and not too worried about that right now, again no pressure. I think at this moment just connecting with people and if friendships develop then as I said its a bonus. I'm also making plans to learn something new like learn a language and I have an interest in environmental matters so I'm looking to learn about the environmental sciences maybe through the Open University. Another challenge is to get back into gardening and have a go at growing my own food. All this is future planning, it builds confidence, it is soul building and I'm learning, you never stop learning really. A good idea is to keep a diary or a journal where you can get your thoughts, feelings and plans out on paper where you can come back to it later and you can see how much progress has been made.
So you can see that the worst you can do is put pressure on yourself and when you put pressure on yourself you become frustrated and then that triggers the anxiety setting of negative thoughts and the worries about what people think of you etc. I'll probably never get rid of the anxiety its always going to be there but I'm learning how to control it and also how to calm down when I get a panic attack. I aim to be relaxed and when I'm relaxed I'm more confident.
There's a few good books out there, two of them really helped me and the third I haven't started yet. The books I've read are The Solution to Social Anxiety by Dr. Aziz Gazipura and We're All Mad Here by Claire Eastham (I used to have the Cheshire Cat as an avatar with that phrase in mind) and the third is Meditation Made Easy by Matteo Pistone which was bought with the intention of learning to relax and control my own thoughts as part of dealing with stress.
 
 

Thanks a lot for taking the time to type out such a great and helpful response.
I think theres some good stuff in there that I need to focus on. Trying to force things or go from 0 to 100 mph isn't going to work.
Thinking of chucking drinking altogether as it has an effect of feeling good at the time then a dip afterwards. Not saying that if I was out for a meal I would have one maybe. Focusing on short term goals seems much more manageable.
I'm letting the thoughts consume me and I need to control this. Have recently bought the miracle of mindfulness so giving that a go. Will also check out your recommendations.
The david goggins book is helping with motivation massively but I'm still getting the thoughts bouncing around all the time.
Holidays and new year will hopefully give me time to start planning better and sort a few things out. Get into a better routine.
Thanks again.

[Stellaboz]

Thanks also for suggesting some books to read, been too lazy to find any myself. Will give the Gazipura book a read as it's something I also want to improve. 

[AL-FFC]

15 hours ago, Raidernation said:

Long story, basically I’ve been asking for help since returning after my brother’s death, been honest about my issues.

Meeting started with asking what they could put in place to help (arse covering and I knew it). Said “no” to every accommodation I suggested and ended with a “well if you can’t work with us”.

Actually, apart from the crap that’s going to arise from this, I’m almost relieved.

I know its shite the fact your out of work but like you say comes a sense of relief. It might give you the chance to do something you have always wanted to or a career change.  I know a lot of problems can sometimes be blessings in disguise to give us that push to change things.

[Raidernation]

I know its shite the fact your out of work but like you say comes a sense of relief. It might give you the chance to do something you have always wanted to or a career change.  I know a lot of problems can sometimes be blessings in disguise to give us that push to change things.

Oh, I know what I want to do.

[Dons_1988]

On 17/12/2019 at 23:43, Raidernation said:

Long story, basically I’ve been asking for help since returning after my brother’s death, been honest about my issues.

Meeting started with asking what they could put in place to help (arse covering and I knew it). Said “no” to every accommodation I suggested and ended with a “well if you can’t work with us”.

Actually, apart from the crap that’s going to arise from this, I’m almost relieved.

Healthy attitude and I hope you haven't done anything you shouldn't in the interim period.

I've said it before but if you haven't then it should give you a massive confidence boost that you can take the shite life flings at you now and take it on the chin.

[jagfox]

@Snafu would it be possible to share the task with your sister? 

Let her speak to folk she knows then you might get the confidence to speak to people you feel you should speak to directly?

I just lost my mum on Monday and I've been busy doing the 'business side of things but I can't get round to finding her address book as she was agrophobic and hadn't left the house in years.

Not an easy situation but do what you can. You dont need to contact everyone at once. Break ot up to a pace that suits you. You need to look after yourself now number one. Something that many carers forget when in the thick of things.

All the best with everything going forward.

[Melanius Mullarkey]

6 minutes ago, jagfox99 said:

I just lost my mum on Monday and I've been busy doing the 'business side of things

Shite news m9. 

[jagfox]

52 minutes ago, Snafu said:

So sorry for your loss, my thoughts are with you and your family.

Appreciate that. All the best going forward.

[KnightswoodBear]

Sorry to hear that @jagfox99.  Not an easy thing to do.