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I suppose the only way to describe how I feel is stuck. Stuck  in my own solitary life, which from the outside really doesn't look too bad.

I had a bad start. Lost my parents to the booze, and my older brother died suddenly all within 8 months. That was 17 years ago now. I probably lost 4-5 years back then in a blur of drinking, financial struggle and anti-depressants, but met a girl who changed my life. Got married. Buggered off abroad and genuinely felt what I thought was happiness. I've since realised that just having someone who showed me affection was hiding all the red flags in my life, and masking the deep lying issues. I had a family again, it's what I craved.  I hadn't had any sort of 

Shortly after getting married, things started to unravel a bit. She expected more of me, and I didn't have the strength of mind to step up. I became more insular, stopped going out, generally stopped making an effort in more or less all aspects of life. Yet it still came as a shock to me when, after 2 years of marriage, she walked out on me. I had given up. I wasn't the guy she married anymore. It crushed me, because I was still convincing myself that I was 'happy' when I clearly wasn't.

Anyway, we rushed through a divorce, and I saw coming home as the safe option. I've been back for 4 and a half years now. Had a couple of relationships, none have been right for me, one even made things a whole lot worse by putting a massive amount of pressure on my shoulders to provide for her 2 kids due to the deadbeat dad not bothering his arse. I think it's safe to say that I don't handle pressure very well.

Loneliness is seen as a problem that only affects the old. I can assure you, after 2 Christmases and Birthdays spent on my own without as much as a card, that it's real and exists among the young. The feelings of despair over the last year or so have floored me at times. I'm at a point in my life where I'm finally getting all the grown up things in order. Bought my first place last year, doing well in work, even up for promotion and s substantial wedge in extra money, but I feel nothing but emptiness.

I live my life alone. I have a decent group of friends, all around since school. They're all doing their thing, living their life, having kids and everything that comes with it. They don't have the time, or indeed the inclination, to have me around all the time. 

I feel invisible, like no-one would notice if I just upped sticks and left. 

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5 hours ago, Stevie Aitken's Love Child said:

I suppose the only way to describe how I feel is stuck. Stuck  in my own solitary life, which from the outside really doesn't look too bad.

I had a bad start. Lost my parents to the booze, and my older brother died suddenly all within 8 months. That was 17 years ago now. I probably lost 4-5 years back then in a blur of drinking, financial struggle and anti-depressants, but met a girl who changed my life. Got married. Buggered off abroad and genuinely felt what I thought was happiness. I've since realised that just having someone who showed me affection was hiding all the red flags in my life, and masking the deep lying issues. I had a family again, it's what I craved.  I hadn't had any sort of 

Shortly after getting married, things started to unravel a bit. She expected more of me, and I didn't have the strength of mind to step up. I became more insular, stopped going out, generally stopped making an effort in more or less all aspects of life. Yet it still came as a shock to me when, after 2 years of marriage, she walked out on me. I had given up. I wasn't the guy she married anymore. It crushed me, because I was still convincing myself that I was 'happy' when I clearly wasn't.

Anyway, we rushed through a divorce, and I saw coming home as the safe option. I've been back for 4 and a half years now. Had a couple of relationships, none have been right for me, one even made things a whole lot worse by putting a massive amount of pressure on my shoulders to provide for her 2 kids due to the deadbeat dad not bothering his arse. I think it's safe to say that I don't handle pressure very well.

Loneliness is seen as a problem that only affects the old. I can assure you, after 2 Christmases and Birthdays spent on my own without as much as a card, that it's real and exists among the young. The feelings of despair over the last year or so have floored me at times. I'm at a point in my life where I'm finally getting all the grown up things in order. Bought my first place last year, doing well in work, even up for promotion and s substantial wedge in extra money, but I feel nothing but emptiness.

I live my life alone. I have a decent group of friends, all around since school. They're all doing their thing, living their life, having kids and everything that comes with it. They don't have the time, or indeed the inclination, to have me around all the time. 

I feel invisible, like no-one would notice if I just upped sticks and left. 

When's your birthday?

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Has anyone had Electroconvulsive therapy?
Mum has been offered it however right now she has refused it. Going to see doctor on Thursday to get a bit more information about it.
29 days she has been in carsview for, a little longer stint this time. However not a lot of progress this time round.

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On 10/09/2019 at 07:21, Stevie Aitken's Love Child said:

May. Why do you ask?

I was going to try to remember to wish you a happy birthday. I still will, albeit I am leaving my job in November and don't have another calendar that carries over, so it will be tricky, but I'll try. 

From your story, I can completely understand why you feel alone. I always find that other people are really the only salvation from the objective meaninglessness of life. Without your parents, your brother, or the support of a partner, you are left alone with your thoughts and not a lot else. You seem pretty independent and objective so I doubt you need encouraging words, but honestly you should feel proud to have got your own house, your health, and your finances in order - those are important building blocks. It sounds like you are just missing out on having other people you care about to to give meaning and companionship, and maybe feel you're not ready for that yet. With those building blocks, an obviously good brain and your ability to view your situation objectively, you will be able to resolve any of that internal stuff holding you back and start to form meaningful relationships. Meanwhile, the extent of time you have spent alone will give you the independence needed to go out and truly see the world in a way so many are too scared or incapable of doing. And overcoming your circumstances will garner a lot of admiration (externally) and wisdom (internally)!

I believe you will get there :)

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Guest bernardblack

I’ve done absolutely no exercise since finishing the marathon and my mental health has deteriorated as a result.

Does anyone suffer from health anxiety? I’m constantly googling symptoms and turning into a hypochondriac

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25 minutes ago, bernardblack said:

I’ve done absolutely no exercise since finishing the marathon and my mental health has deteriorated as a result.

Does anyone suffer from health anxiety? I’m constantly googling symptoms and turning into a hypochondriac

Yes sometimes. Used to be a lot worse than I am now. It's strange because you can actually use the fear to push yourself to eat better and look after yourself, even if the fear is completely unfounded.

My last really horrible bout of health anxiety came in early 2015 when I kept getting horrible acid reflux and was convinced I was going to get oesophageal  cancer as a result. In the end it turned out I'd just put on a bit too much weight and after losing it the acid reflux disappeared and I haven't had it since. The best thing to do is, instead of letting your imagination run wild, look at the circumstances and see what might have changed in your life which has led to you feeling like shit. Once you find out what that is then you can seek to rectify it. Remember, unless you're exceptionally unlucky, it will never be the worst case scenario.

Also doing a marathon is going to take a ton of energy and motivation out of you, which is completely normal. Just don't leave it too long to start exercising again.

Hope this helps.

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I’m struggling.
Still living in a sober home but away from my girls. Managing to stay sober but some days I wonder why the f**k I do.
One of my girls just moved to Virginia so f**k knows when I see her again.
I’m doing 60-70 hour weeks at school just to keep up with the ridiculous demands.

I’m fucking tired and I just want to piss off and wallow in self pity and peace.

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On 10/09/2019 at 11:46, G_Man1985 said:

Has anyone had Electroconvulsive therapy?
Mum has been offered it however right now she has refused it. Going to see doctor on Thursday to get a bit more information about it.
29 days she has been in carsview for, a little longer stint this time. However not a lot of progress this time round.

Usually offered as a short term fix when things are pretty bad.  29 days is getting to be a fairly long stint which is maybe why they’re offering it.

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Guest bernardblack
Yes sometimes. Used to be a lot worse than I am now. It's strange because you can actually use the fear to push yourself to eat better and look after yourself, even if the fear is completely unfounded.
My last really horrible bout of health anxiety came in early 2015 when I kept getting horrible acid reflux and was convinced I was going to get oesophageal  cancer as a result. In the end it turned out I'd just put on a bit too much weight and after losing it the acid reflux disappeared and I haven't had it since. The best thing to do is, instead of letting your imagination run wild, look at the circumstances and see what might have changed in your life which has led to you feeling like shit. Once you find out what that is then you can seek to rectify it. Remember, unless you're exceptionally unlucky, it will never be the worst case scenario.
Also doing a marathon is going to take a ton of energy and motivation out of you, which is completely normal. Just don't leave it too long to start exercising again.
Hope this helps.


Thanks for this. I’ll give it a try

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16 hours ago, bernardblack said:

I’ve done absolutely no exercise since finishing the marathon and my mental health has deteriorated as a result.

Does anyone suffer from health anxiety? I’m constantly googling symptoms and turning into a hypochondriac

Congrats on the marathon, that is a major achievement! So well done. I entered a 10k in the summer and didn't finish it - I sprained my ankle at about 4.3 km and was utterly gutted for a week. I've ran regularly for about 10 years now but never done a race. Trained quite well for it and was aiming for about 47-50 minutes so got a a really hump when I DNF although I'm determinted to do another one next year and possibly a half-marathon as well.

I also feel groggy, more down and just for what of a better word dour when I don't exercise.  It took me 10 days to get over my sprained ankle/running blues and did very little in that period and generally felt pretty shite and apathetic. Started running 10 days ago again and definitely feel an improvement in mental health.

There are people who suffer horrifically with depression and I know sometimes exercise/diet etc isn't enough if you have a clear mental imbalance  ; and now to sound like Alan Brazil, but for a good number of people - sorting out your diet and exercising can do wonders for mild depression. Although I feel I have a bit of imposter syndrome with almost everything e.g jack of all trades ; master of none. I speak three languages to varying degrees and I still feel I'm blagging it at times when I've understood everything in the conversation.  Maybe time to get Troy McClure's ''GET CONFIDENT STUPID" self help video.

 

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11 hours ago, Raidernation said:

I’m struggling.
Still living in a sober home but away from my girls. Managing to stay sober but some days I wonder why the f**k I do.
One of my girls just moved to Virginia so f**k knows when I see her again.
I’m doing 60-70 hour weeks at school just to keep up with the ridiculous demands.

I’m fucking tired and I just want to piss off and wallow in self pity and peace.

Sorry to hear that, Raider.

I don't know your financial situation or if there are rules on a sober home e.g leaving it at certain hours/times?- but do JetBlue or Southwest (or others) not have any deals on flights to Virgina/Washington etc? Even if its just Friday to Monday or something ; see if there's a deal for October or November and just take your backpack -saving on the hold fees etc.

Hope you are better.

Edited by Kejan

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11 hours ago, Raidernation said:

I’m struggling.
Still living in a sober home but away from my girls. Managing to stay sober but some days I wonder why the f**k I do.
One of my girls just moved to Virginia so f**k knows when I see her again.
I’m doing 60-70 hour weeks at school just to keep up with the ridiculous demands.

I’m fucking tired and I just want to piss off and wallow in self pity and peace.

Being sober is a great step but it's not a magic cure for everything. Doing those hours probably wouldn't be much easier with a hangover. That sounds tough about the girls being far away. There are maybe things you could do to relax but also keep them in mind - like writing to them (even if they can't read yet - not sure what age they are) and just being kind to yourself. It can take a bit of adjustment to living sober. Long baths, cups of tea, a run or walk good books or magazines - make the most of your time away from work. 

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18 hours ago, Shandon Par said:

Being sober is a great step but it's not a magic cure for everything. Doing those hours probably wouldn't be much easier with a hangover. That sounds tough about the girls being far away. There are maybe things you could do to relax but also keep them in mind - like writing to them (even if they can't read yet - not sure what age they are) and just being kind to yourself. It can take a bit of adjustment to living sober. Long baths, cups of tea, a run or walk good books or magazines - make the most of your time away from work. 

If his girls can't read by now, I don't think they ever will, they're all grown up and married, as far as I know. (They're all adults, anyway).

I drank a lot of coffee, none of the other stuff you mention. AA meetings and keeping in touch with members worked for me, although I haven't been at a meeting in about 20 years now.

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Guest JTS98

A year ago today, more or less to the minute, I was messing about with my phone checking train times looking for a chance to top myself.

Sitting in my flat eating a pizza waiting to watch Hearts lose. Still here.

This thread is a great thing and, while it was quite a sobering experience, reading back through some of it from a year ago has been a good exercise in keeping the mind sharp. One day at a time.

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A year ago today, more or less to the minute, I was messing about with my phone checking train times looking for a chance to top myself.
Sitting in my flat eating a pizza waiting to watch Hearts lose. Still here.
This thread is a great thing and, while it was quite a sobering experience, reading back through some of it from a year ago has been a good exercise in keeping the mind sharp. One day at a time.


I love hearing stuff like this (the recovery not where you were!).

A year ago today I was on the worst holiday of my life. Fat, at my lowest point and didn’t want to live. Turning point being my wife breaking down and telling me for months she felt I was there in body but not in mind or spirit, that she desperately wanted to help me but she didn’t know how.

From the day I got back from that holiday I have worked everyday to claw my way back and I am completely transformed. It’s never too late and this thread is fantastic for it.

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Mentioned beforehand on this thread that ive been going to Andy’s Man Club. Not sure if it’s of value or would interest anyone, but they meet at 7 every Monday in the following locations -


Mcdiarmid Park, Perth

Erskine Building, Dunfermline

Boomerang community Centre, Dundee

Collydean community Centre, Glenrothes

The group has certainly helped me out with how I feel and act.

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If his girls can't read by now, I don't think they ever will, they're all grown up and married, as far as I know. (They're all adults, anyway).
I drank a lot of coffee, none of the other stuff you mention. AA meetings and keeping in touch with members worked for me, although I haven't been at a meeting in about 20 years now.

Not married but 2 are mums, ages from35 to 20.
I spoke to them and they know how I’m feeling getting plenty support so I’m damn sure I’ll make it.

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On 02/09/2019 at 21:29, Rowan said:

Three day crisis admission last week as was danger to self. Once overwhelming crisis had settled a bit came home.

I find hospital only helpful when I absolutely loose ability keep self safe. Then I’m better being at home. 

Psychiatrist and I tend to be in same page which helps.

 

Recovery never simple. 

Kids being outstanding, they’ve always had age appropriate exploration. They’re only young too.

 

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