Depression

[Stellaboz]

Thanks. Yeah I've been trying to keep busy and focus on all the good in my life, although I find I just want to chill at home more often than not. My gf helps though, even when she doesn't know. I'm luckier than most.

[Richey Edwards]

34 minutes ago, Stellaboz said:

Thanks. Yeah I've been trying to keep busy and focus on all the good in my life, although I find I just want to chill at home more often than not. My gf helps though, even when she doesn't know. I'm luckier than most.

Sounds like you have the right attitude and have good positive things in your life to occupy yourself.

It's great that you are keeping yourself occupied. Grieving is important but it should never occur at the expense of other aspects of life. I have seen people who had their whole lives consumed by grief years after their loss because they did not allow themselves to grieve properly at the time, it's not a very nice thing to see. 

Losing people we love is never easy, but you will get through it when you're ready. Just take your time and go through at your own pace.

[welshbairn]

35 minutes ago, Friedrich Nietzsche said:

Sounds like you have the right attitude and have good positive things in your life to occupy yourself.

It's great that you are keeping yourself occupied. Grieving is important but it should never occur at the expense of other aspects of life. I have seen people who had their whole lives consumed by grief years after their loss because they did not allow themselves to grieve properly at the time, it's not a very nice thing to see. 

Losing people we love is never easy, but you will get through it when you're ready. Just take your time and go through at your own pace.

I'm not too sure if you can choose how to grieve. Had lots to sort out for my Dad's funeral a couple of years ago so had little time to dwell on it, though barely held back the tears during my bit at the funeral. I still heat a plate for him for dinner without thinking about it, and odd memories will pop up sitting on a bus that will get my eyes leaking. It's a slow process, and some of grieving isn't bad, it's just remembering.

[Guest JTS98]

Ok. Not sure where this will end up, so let's see. Not actually sure where to start.

On the face of it, things are fine. I've got a job I like and am good at and quite specifically chose, I am pretty sociable and have mates etc, until recently I had a pretty nice girlfriend but decided to break up with her because it wasn't for me (this is not part of the problem, I'm cool with that decision). Basically, things look fine.

However, I get absolutely crushing anxiety, social self-doubt (despite always having had mates and seemingly being quite sociable), and general stress. Stress about everything. About decisions in the past, about work that day, about decisions in the future that haven't even arrived yet, about relationships, about anything that pops into my head that day.

This means that despite seeming fine from the outside, I routinely feel my chest absolutely pounding, I often have sore teeth because I constantly grind my jaw, I've made the inside of my cheeks bleed by grinding them so hard in my teeth. I rarely sleep a full night.

On top of this, for the last 4 years I've had a chronic pain problem as a result of an infection I had. Without giving too much away and identifying myself to anyone who knows me, it's not the kind of pain you tell people about and most people think I've got a bad 'back'. I've been off work for most of the last six months, including the last three straight signed off. I've been seeing a specialist for the pain, but the results have been so-so. Not much improvement at all, really.

It was my birthday recently, and I was seeing my specialist the day before it. It was a bad session. It became apparent that I'm stuck with this, basically, and that I need to get used to that. That is an entirely unpleasant thought after four years of pain, especially as the treatment I'm getting now was highly recommended to me and was seen as being perfect for what I have.

On the train home, it came into my head that a fast train goes through the station that I get off at without stopping. I got my phone out and checked to see if one of the fast trains was due for around the time my train was getting in. I was pretty pissed off to find that there wasn't one going through till much later.

At no point did it occur to me that I'd be devastating my mum, who was waiting to pick me up at the station, or the rest of my family. At no point did it enter my head that the next day was my birthday and that that might be nice. At no point did I think of the people who would witness it, or the train driver who would go over the top of me. I wasn't frantic, I was just quite focused on what I wanted to do and I was really annoyed that I couldn't do it. It didn't occur to me how fucked up that was until that evening  when I just about had a heart attack thinking about it at home.

Four days later I was back at the station waiting for my train to my next session when I knew the non-stopping fast train was about to come through. I had to actually run up the stairs and remove myself from the platform because I was convinced I'd chuck myself in front of it. I'd actually had a beautiful moment of clarity that that was exactly what I should do before snapping out of it. I stood at the top of the stairs breathing very heavily listening to the train pass. Again, as I stood on the platform, none of the bad sides of it, family, friends, bystanders, never seeing another morning etc, were of any relevance to me. Just didn't come into my head. That's what makes it so scary.

That's not happened again. I've used the trains several times since then with no fuss.

But soon my sick line from work expires and I need to go back. I've not really got much idea of how that will go. I don't really feel like much has changed, but I either go back or I stop getting paid and ultimately lose my job. I work abroad, which adds an extra element to it. It's been good having the old support networks at home for the last few months. To be honest, I'm pretty nervous about going away again. Some days it seems fine, other days it's fucking terrifying. I didn't go to the Hearts game today because I was stressed out about the prospect of going back. Sat with the radio on not really caring what happened about it at all.

Tonight I feel fine. Tomorrow, who knows?

I've only told one of my mates about the train episodes. There's a lot going on at home and I feel like bringing this up with the family at this time would be a huge burden on them. There are enough problems as it is. I just frightened myself with the cold clarity of chucking myself under a train. It makes me feel pretty cold now to think about the complete lack of a dissenting voice in my head. No panic, no frenzy. Just a practical view that this is what to do. I'm unsure whether it'll happen again.

 

Edited October 20, 2018 by JTS98

[welshbairn]

I'm sure someone else will have more knowledge and better advice, but in the meantime, don't jump in front of a fucking train! It's a horribly selfish and cruel way to top yourself, and not even that reliable, so just don't. Winter's coming soon and a wander into the hills with a bottle of spirits and little clothing would do the job without all the drama and collateral damage. Which is absolutely not my advice, learning how to live with the pain is the thing. Your other troubles are probably a symptom of that. If drugs won't help, you need to find a way of undermining it in your consciousness. In other words, a shrink or therapist who can help you find a way of downplaying the pain and getting on with life. Samaritans are another shout, mate of mine does shifts for them who's sound so you might be lucky. Hopefully someone with more useful advice will follow.

[DA Baracus]

1 hour ago, JTS98 said:

Ok. Not sure where this will end up, so let's see. Not actually sure where to start.

On the face of it, things are fine. I've got a job I like and am good at and quite specifically chose, I am pretty sociable and have mates etc, until recently I had a pretty nice girlfriend but decided to break up with her because it wasn't for me (this is not part of the problem, I'm cool with that decision). Basically, things look fine.

However, I get absolutely crushing anxiety, social self-doubt (despite always having had mates and seemingly being quite sociable), and general stress. Stress about everything. About decisions in the past, about work that day, about decisions in the future that haven't even arrived yet, about relationships, about anything that pops into my head that day.

This means that despite seeming fine from the outside, I routinely feel my chest absolutely pounding, I often have sore teeth because I constantly grind my jaw, I've made the inside of my cheeks bleed by grinding them so hard in my teeth. I rarely sleep a full night.

On top of this, for the last 4 years I've had a chronic pain problem as a result of an infection I had. Without giving too much away and identifying myself to anyone who knows me, it's not the kind of pain you tell people about and most people think I've got a bad 'back'. I've been off work for most of the last six months, including the last three straight signed off. I've been seeing a specialist for the pain, but the results have been so-so. Not much improvement at all, really.

It was my birthday recently, and I was seeing my specialist the day before it. It was a bad session. It became apparent that I'm stuck with this, basically, and that I need to get used to that. That is an entirely unpleasant thought after four years of pain, especially as the treatment I'm getting now was highly recommended to me and was seen as being perfect for what I have.

On the train home, it came into my head that a fast train goes through the station that I get off at without stopping. I got my phone out and checked to see if one of the fast trains was due for around the time my train was getting in. I was pretty pissed off to find that there wasn't one going through till much later.

At no point did it occur to me that I'd be devastating my mum, who was waiting to pick me up at the station, or the rest of my family. At no point did it enter my head that the next day was my birthday and that that might be nice. At no point did I think of the people who would witness it, or the train driver who would go over the top of me. I wasn't frantic, I was just quite focused on what I wanted to do and I was really annoyed that I couldn't do it. It didn't occur to me how fucked up that was until that evening  when I just about had a heart attack thinking about it at home.

Four days later I was back at the station waiting for my train to my next session when I knew the non-stopping fast train was about to come through. I had to actually run up the stairs and remove myself from the platform because I was convinced I'd chuck myself in front of it. I'd actually had a beautiful moment of clarity that that was exactly what I should do before snapping out of it. I stood at the top of the stairs breathing very heavily listening to the train pass. Again, as I stood on the platform, none of the bad sides of it, family, friends, bystanders, never seeing another morning etc, were of any relevance to me. Just didn't come into my head. That's what makes it so scary.

That's not happened again. I've used the trains several times since then with no fuss.

But soon my sick line from work expires and I need to go back. I've not really got much idea of how that will go. I don't really feel like much has changed, but I either go back or I stop getting paid and ultimately lose my job. I work abroad, which adds an extra element to it. It's been good having the old support networks at home for the last few months. To be honest, I'm pretty nervous about going away again. Some days it seems fine, other days it's fucking terrifying. I didn't go to the Hearts game today because I was stressed out about the prospect of going back. Sat with the radio on not really caring what happened about it at all.

Tonight I feel fine. Tomorrow, who knows?

I've only told one of my mates about the train episodes. There's a lot going on at home and I feel like bringing this up with the family at this time would be a huge burden on them. There are enough problems as it is. I just frightened myself with the cold clarity of chucking myself under a train. It makes me feel pretty cold now to think about the complete lack of a dissenting voice in my head. No panic, no frenzy. Just a practical view that this is what to do. I'm unsure whether it'll happen again.

 

Sorry man, that sounds shit.

It sounds like there's something fucking you up (obviously). Reading between the lines it's your illness that is causing the issue, and perhaps that anxiety feeds in to your job.

I think you need to identify what is making you feel this way. Be really honest with yourself. Be prepared to make sacrifices, because your health is more important than any job (plus you have the experience anyway which will be good if you want to get back in).

Never be afraid to prioritise yourself. We seem to be conditioned to never do so. f**k that so much.

Get yourself to your GP. Sounds easy I know but I get that when you're suffering like you are that it can seem daunting. Sorry, but there isn't an easy answer. You have to call them or walk in and speak to the receptionist. Think of it as a choice; start getting better or don't. You have to be blunt with yourself.

Also try and find someone to talk to. Could be your parents, a sibling or another family member. Could be a friend. Could be helpline. Could be someone on here. I'd be happy to chat over PM. Just find someone.

[ayrmad]

1 hour ago, JTS98 said:

Ok. Not sure where this will end up, so let's see. Not actually sure where to start.

On the face of it, things are fine. I've got a job I like and am good at and quite specifically chose, I am pretty sociable and have mates etc, until recently I had a pretty nice girlfriend but decided to break up with her because it wasn't for me (this is not part of the problem, I'm cool with that decision). Basically, things look fine.

However, I get absolutely crushing anxiety, social self-doubt (despite always having had mates and seemingly being quite sociable), and general stress. Stress about everything. About decisions in the past, about work that day, about decisions in the future that haven't even arrived yet, about relationships, about anything that pops into my head that day.

This means that despite seeming fine from the outside, I routinely feel my chest absolutely pounding, I often have sore teeth because I constantly grind my jaw, I've made the inside of my cheeks bleed by grinding them so hard in my teeth. I rarely sleep a full night.

On top of this, for the last 4 years I've had a chronic pain problem as a result of an infection I had. Without giving too much away and identifying myself to anyone who knows me, it's not the kind of pain you tell people about and most people think I've got a bad 'back'. I've been off work for most of the last six months, including the last three straight signed off. I've been seeing a specialist for the pain, but the results have been so-so. Not much improvement at all, really.

It was my birthday recently, and I was seeing my specialist the day before it. It was a bad session. It became apparent that I'm stuck with this, basically, and that I need to get used to that. That is an entirely unpleasant thought after four years of pain, especially as the treatment I'm getting now was highly recommended to me and was seen as being perfect for what I have.

On the train home, it came into my head that a fast train goes through the station that I get off at without stopping. I got my phone out and checked to see if one of the fast trains was due for around the time my train was getting in. I was pretty pissed off to find that there wasn't one going through till much later.

At no point did it occur to me that I'd be devastating my mum, who was waiting to pick me up at the station, or the rest of my family. At no point did it enter my head that the next day was my birthday and that that might be nice. At no point did I think of the people who would witness it, or the train driver who would go over the top of me. I wasn't frantic, I was just quite focused on what I wanted to do and I was really annoyed that I couldn't do it. It didn't occur to me how fucked up that was until that evening  when I just about had a heart attack thinking about it at home.

Four days later I was back at the station waiting for my train to my next session when I knew the non-stopping fast train was about to come through. I had to actually run up the stairs and remove myself from the platform because I was convinced I'd chuck myself in front of it. I'd actually had a beautiful moment of clarity that that was exactly what I should do before snapping out of it. I stood at the top of the stairs breathing very heavily listening to the train pass. Again, as I stood on the platform, none of the bad sides of it, family, friends, bystanders, never seeing another morning etc, were of any relevance to me. Just didn't come into my head. That's what makes it so scary.

That's not happened again. I've used the trains several times since then with no fuss.

But soon my sick line from work expires and I need to go back. I've not really got much idea of how that will go. I don't really feel like much has changed, but I either go back or I stop getting paid and ultimately lose my job. I work abroad, which adds an extra element to it. It's been good having the old support networks at home for the last few months. To be honest, I'm pretty nervous about going away again. Some days it seems fine, other days it's fucking terrifying. I didn't go to the Hearts game today because I was stressed out about the prospect of going back. Sat with the radio on not really caring what happened about it at all.

Tonight I feel fine. Tomorrow, who knows?

I've only told one of my mates about the train episodes. There's a lot going on at home and I feel like bringing this up with the family at this time would be a huge burden on them. There are enough problems as it is. I just frightened myself with the cold clarity of chucking myself under a train. It makes me feel pretty cold now to think about the complete lack of a dissenting voice in my head. No panic, no frenzy. Just a practical view that this is what to do. I'm unsure whether it'll happen again.

 

You need people to know who you are, living with that shit in your head without enough outlets to get it out just doesn't seem advisable to me.

[DAFC.]

Forgot to post after the outcome of last Tuesday!

Feel much better going to the GP and getting things sorted out. Got a bit of time to reflect on how I'm feeling this way and arranged counselling etc through my work. I have been out the game the past 3 days with the Norovirus (I have been absolutely fucked btw, it's been horrendous) so that's threw me off a bit as I have been unable to leave my bed for 3 days straight however feeling much better now but I am not going to venture out and risk making myself worse. Going to ride it out for a couple days as I'm still struggling to eat properly. Absolute b*****d as I was going out long walks with the dug for a few days, something I haven't done in months. Onwards and upwards. 

[Brother Blades]

Ok. Not sure where this will end up, so let's see. Not actually sure where to start.
On the face of it, things are fine. I've got a job I like and am good at and quite specifically chose, I am pretty sociable and have mates etc, until recently I had a pretty nice girlfriend but decided to break up with her because it wasn't for me (this is not part of the problem, I'm cool with that decision). Basically, things look fine.
However, I get absolutely crushing anxiety, social self-doubt (despite always having had mates and seemingly being quite sociable), and general stress. Stress about everything. About decisions in the past, about work that day, about decisions in the future that haven't even arrived yet, about relationships, about anything that pops into my head that day.
This means that despite seeming fine from the outside, I routinely feel my chest absolutely pounding, I often have sore teeth because I constantly grind my jaw, I've made the inside of my cheeks bleed by grinding them so hard in my teeth. I rarely sleep a full night.
On top of this, for the last 4 years I've had a chronic pain problem as a result of an infection I had. Without giving too much away and identifying myself to anyone who knows me, it's not the kind of pain you tell people about and most people think I've got a bad 'back'. I've been off work for most of the last six months, including the last three straight signed off. I've been seeing a specialist for the pain, but the results have been so-so. Not much improvement at all, really.
It was my birthday recently, and I was seeing my specialist the day before it. It was a bad session. It became apparent that I'm stuck with this, basically, and that I need to get used to that. That is an entirely unpleasant thought after four years of pain, especially as the treatment I'm getting now was highly recommended to me and was seen as being perfect for what I have.
On the train home, it came into my head that a fast train goes through the station that I get off at without stopping. I got my phone out and checked to see if one of the fast trains was due for around the time my train was getting in. I was pretty pissed off to find that there wasn't one going through till much later.
At no point did it occur to me that I'd be devastating my mum, who was waiting to pick me up at the station, or the rest of my family. At no point did it enter my head that the next day was my birthday and that that might be nice. At no point did I think of the people who would witness it, or the train driver who would go over the top of me. I wasn't frantic, I was just quite focused on what I wanted to do and I was really annoyed that I couldn't do it. It didn't occur to me how fucked up that was until that evening  when I just about had a heart attack thinking about it at home.
Four days later I was back at the station waiting for my train to my next session when I knew the non-stopping fast train was about to come through. I had to actually run up the stairs and remove myself from the platform because I was convinced I'd chuck myself in front of it. I'd actually had a beautiful moment of clarity that that was exactly what I should do before snapping out of it. I stood at the top of the stairs breathing very heavily listening to the train pass. Again, as I stood on the platform, none of the bad sides of it, family, friends, bystanders, never seeing another morning etc, were of any relevance to me. Just didn't come into my head. That's what makes it so scary.
That's not happened again. I've used the trains several times since then with no fuss.
But soon my sick line from work expires and I need to go back. I've not really got much idea of how that will go. I don't really feel like much has changed, but I either go back or I stop getting paid and ultimately lose my job. I work abroad, which adds an extra element to it. It's been good having the old support networks at home for the last few months. To be honest, I'm pretty nervous about going away again. Some days it seems fine, other days it's fucking terrifying. I didn't go to the Hearts game today because I was stressed out about the prospect of going back. Sat with the radio on not really caring what happened about it at all.
Tonight I feel fine. Tomorrow, who knows?
I've only told one of my mates about the train episodes. There's a lot going on at home and I feel like bringing this up with the family at this time would be a huge burden on them. There are enough problems as it is. I just frightened myself with the cold clarity of chucking myself under a train. It makes me feel pretty cold now to think about the complete lack of a dissenting voice in my head. No panic, no frenzy. Just a practical view that this is what to do. I'm unsure whether it'll happen again.
 

Hi JTS, like DA has said, seems your pain problem is at the heart of your problems.
Reading your story, it’s amazing how similar a situation I was in 10 years ago. Had a bad injury which kept me off work for a couple of months (I also worked abroad then, on a 5x5 rotation), I was under great pressure to get back to work from both my manager & my then partner. Anyway, I went back too early - my injury hadn’t nearly healed, that trip was a nightmare as I couldn’t do my job properly, around 2 weeks in, myself & a colleague found the security guard dead when we arrived for work, I didn’t think anything like that would affect me, but it did, deeply. Anyway, long story short, I made my injury worse by returning too early, split with my partner basically just lost interest. I ignored calls for me to return to work, my sick note expired & I was sacked. Losing my job only added to my problems, as I now had financial issues to worry about. My advice is to try to return to work, you never know the escape might help you re-group? If you are still struggling, it’s a fresh doctors line & will give you more breathing space. I’m just thinking back to that time & the dread of retuning to work was intense, but not half as bad as when I realised I’d totally fucked it & had more to worry about.
The train (as you know),isn’t the answer, talking helps. DM me if you want to chat.

[Guest JTS98]

43 minutes ago, Brother Blades said:

Hi JTS, like DA has said, seems your pain problem is at the heart of your problems.
Reading your story, it’s amazing how similar a situation I was in 10 years ago. Had a bad injury which kept me off work for a couple of months (I also worked abroad then, on a 5x5 rotation), I was under great pressure to get back to work from both my manager & my then partner. Anyway, I went back too early - my injury hadn’t nearly healed, that trip was a nightmare as I couldn’t do my job properly, around 2 weeks in, myself & a colleague found the security guard dead when we arrived for work, I didn’t think anything like that would affect me, but it did, deeply. Anyway, long story short, I made my injury worse by returning too early, split with my partner basically just lost interest. I ignored calls for me to return to work, my sick note expired & I was sacked. Losing my job only added to my problems, as I now had financial issues to worry about. My advice is to try to return to work, you never know the escape might help you re-group? If you are still struggling, it’s a fresh doctors line & will give you more breathing space. I’m just thinking back to that time & the dread of retuning to work was intense, but not half as bad as when I realised I’d totally fucked it & had more to worry about.
The train (as you know),isn’t the answer, talking helps. DM me if you want to chat.

Cheers.

This part is where things are just now, really. Losing my job would be pretty bad news at this stage, so I'm going to give it a bash.

I know the dread of going back well. Although some days it's not there at all. It's weird how things are.

[NJ2]

Cheers.
This part is where things are just now, really. Losing my job would be pretty bad news at this stage, so I'm going to give it a bash.
I know the dread of going back well. Although some days it's not there at all. It's weird how things are.

JT, hopefully the thought of going back is worse than the reality of it. I know at time’s I’ve had the darkest thoughts but it’ll make the good times all the more worth it, and the good times will come mate.
Just hold until we win the league for one [emoji4]. As others have said, and same for anyone, if there’s nobody else you can/want to talk to, just fire a pm [emoji106]

[RH33]

Please try and reach out and not act on the suicidal thoughts. Samaratains are meant to be very good. I say this having been carted into a&e three weeks ago having made an attempt.

Have you been referred to a pain management clinic? 

You’re area may have a crisis team who will work with you short term to get you through the darkest points but your gp if first point contact.

[Le Tout P'ti FC]

This is very powerful:

[Brother Blades]

Cheers.
This part is where things are just now, really. Losing my job would be pretty bad news at this stage, so I'm going to give it a bash.
I know the dread of going back well. Although some days it's not there at all. It's weird how things are.

Mate, just try it. If you need daily support, just DM me. Obviously a real doctor would be better, but, I’m here for you.

[NJ2]

Please try and reach out and not act on the suicidal thoughts. Samaratains are meant to be very good. I say this having been carted into a&e three weeks ago having made an attempt.
Have you been referred to a pain management clinic? 
You’re area may have a crisis team who will work with you short term to get you through the darkest points but your gp if first point contact.

Glad it was ultimately unsuccessful, Rowan! Hope you’re in a better head space now. As said to JT, if things are getting on top of you there’s always people to talk to...me, if nobody else!

[Brother Blades]

Please try and reach out and not act on the suicidal thoughts. Samaratains are meant to be very good. I say this having been carted into a&e three weeks ago having made an attempt.
Have you been referred to a pain management clinic? 
You’re area may have a crisis team who will work with you short term to get you through the darkest points but your gp if first point contact.

Rowan, please DM someone on here if you ever feel that way, by god, we are sexist arseholes, normally virgins, but we do actually care about other posters. I’m sure there is at least one poster on here that lives near you & can come round to chat? If not, DM someone, we are not all beasts. Around 2-3% are decent people!
If you ever attempt suicide again, I’m going to seriously fall out with you! X x

[RH33]

14 minutes ago, Brother Blades said:

Rowan, please DM someone on here if you ever feel that way, by god, we are sexist arseholes, normally virgins, but we do actually care about other posters. I’m sure there is at least one poster on here that lives near you & can come round to chat? If not, DM someone, we are not all beasts. Around 2-3% are decent people!
If you ever attempt suicide again, I’m going to seriously fall out with you! X x

Cheers guys, it’s not my first attempt and I’m rubbish at it so I’m still here! I’ve been dealing with it for 20years but now and then it takes a grip. Men have higher ‘success’ rates as they take the less reversible options.

I’d not normally have said anything on here, I’ve always been open about having issues on this thread but self harm stuff I wouldn’t normally broadcast but want the poster  or anyone else to know that suicidal thoughts as lonely and as terrifiying as they are , he isn’t only one out there that’s had/having them.

 I’m also always here for anyone that wants the female take on things. Mental health not sex!! Not that half of you get any anyway!

[RH33]

Sadly I find the crisis tram utterly useless! But everyone is different.

[welshbairn]

3 hours ago, Rowan said:

Cheers guys, it’s not my first attempt and I’m rubbish at it so I’m still here! I’ve been dealing with it for 20years but now and then it takes a grip. Men have higher ‘success’ rates as they take the less reversible options.

I’d not normally have said anything on here, I’ve always been open about having issues on this thread but self harm stuff I wouldn’t normally broadcast but want the poster  or anyone else to know that suicidal thoughts as lonely and as terrifiying as they are , he isn’t only one out there that’s had/having them.

 I’m also always here for anyone that wants the female take on things. Mental health not sex!! Not that half of you get any anyway!

I for one am very happy that you're rubbish at it.  Incompetence is a much underrated  quality, which I am happily blessed with in many areas!

[Raidernation]

I had to cope with Mrs. RN#2s suicide. It’s not nice.
It’s also not something I’d consider because of that experience I’d be more likely to just give up living passively (and I’ve thought about it) rather than actively kill myself.

It’s one of my early warnings about when the depression is kicking in. I just withdraw, like I found myself doing recently hence those posts.

For all of us, it’s hard sometimes but WE ARE NOT ALONE!