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Aye that's my fear too. It's going to end sometime and back to feeling shite. Might as well try and enjoy it while it lasts i suppose

True.

Regardless of how this feeling lasts no doubt it will end on Saturday if we get beat again.

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Cant believe this is me just coming across this thread, a good read and making me realise there are a lot of people in similar positions I am.

Not going to go into great detail on the thread as I know quite a lot of folk on the forum personally, some of which I would rather not know my business but I will probably send a couple of PMs out in due course

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Good to hear the interview went well.

Cheers!

I get exactly what you mean about your brain not being a friend. A couple of weekends ago I was meeting some friends to do something for a mates' 30th and I was convinced they would be judging me and I was so concerned by that and by what we were doing I made myself physically ill. I was even thinking of excuses in my mind not to go.

Of course it was absolutely fine and I had a great time. I nearly missed out on that due to my brain. What a c**t it is. One day I'm going to push a hot fucking screwdriver in there.

Yeah! I was in a smiliar boat, constantly worried how I was perceived, wondering if I was dulling every folk around me, "why isn't this person laughing?", "oh shit that was an eye-roll, wasn't it?". Certainly doesn't help suffering from an eating disorder too. However, it's funny when you reflect on yourself - you just think "How could I ever be so daft!".

It's weird how it's all panned out for me, I just don't give a f**k anymore. I wasted a year and a half my life just lying around, terrified of going out incase I bump into successful old-friends who'd invetibly ask "So where have you been" and "what are you doing with your life these days?". I did come across this vid and a quote from AC Grayling which really resonated with me (para-phrasing), "Basically you have on average, less than a 1000 months to live. A third of that is allocated to sleep, whilst another third is spent in the shower or in Tescos. So when you think about it, you have around a third left, 300 months, really to do stuff you enjoy and spend it with the people who bring joy into your life. It's incredibly short and you have a duty to yourself and to others you love to live life to the fullest. There is no one correct way to live life; we all have different skills, talents and interest."

I mean, I'm probably being naive, and it's most likely just down to the cocktail of meds I'm on (citalopram - generic anti-depressant, quetiapene - anti-anxiety, and zoplicon - sleep), but f**k it feels good just not to give a f**k. I've started talking to folk, even strangers at time (I've noticed people liked being asked questions, who'd have thought?). Being pro-active and attending events (alone!) like referendum/science-based ones and just striking chit-chat with randomners (I'd almost always just have ear-phones plugged, arms folded with a sulky expression in in the past!). Sometimes, I'd even walk through town, dressed like a chino w****r, sit down in a crowded park, and read a book. No one gives a shit, who'd a thought (spot-light effect!) - Summed up by this tweet. Definitely a far-cry from how I was several months back (feeling hopeless, never sleeping and constantly idealising suicide).

My mood is going mental at the moment. Today for quite a while it was going up and down like a yo-yo. At times I felt bubbling, almost maniacal laughter then other times I feel like I'm about to starting greeting like f**k (something I haven't done in years, and not for want of trying; at times I feel like it would be a good release but I seem to have an emotional dam built up; even at my gran's funeral last month I couldn't just release, although I did have a tear running down my cheek) and neutral statea inbetween ranging from almost numbness to a sense of carefree exasperation.

I also had a couple of moments where my heart startes to beat quite quickly, but strangely I felt fine at the time. I also got very drowsy a couple of times and nearly fell asleep at my desk in work.e

How's your sleep? Do you abuse caffeine? Are you being over-worked?

Also I've been experiencing feelings of crushing lonliness at times. I've been single for nearly 4 years now with no sign of that run ending any time soon. I moved to Dundee recently but I have no friends here at all so that's pretty shit. I really feel I've made a huge mistake moving here because of that and because my job is really boring and I'm just not intersted in it. I've lost nearly 10 years of my life and just don't want to waste any more time.

Do you family support/close friends you can talk to about life? It's so good having someone who helps you to dot the t's in a way ( The idea that men should just be expression-less, tough gorillas is changing imo. It's being cool again to release some emotion, even tearing up. We're all human, no one is perfect. Have you thought about keeping a diary?

Maybe you could make new friends, hell organise a P+B Dundee Crawl, it could be a laugh - I've started contemplating one of the Glasgow ones too!

Oh, Tinder is also a nice wee app too haha.

Oh and in the past 2 nights I had a dream where I shot myself in the face to escape zombies and was going to kill myself over something else (see the strange dream thread).

That's hilarious. Please tell me you're not in 'murica though?

I feel like a moaning c**t again but even now gets waves of optimism that I can sort everything, but also get dark waves of pessimism that just suppress hope and make things bleaker. I haven't self harmed since I carved an X on my thigh a few months back and luckily no longer harbour thoughts about it, so that's a positive.

Sorry for the long winded cataloguing of shit!

It's not shit. It's nice just being able to bounce thoughts around.

My long winded shit :).

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Just a few things I've noticed reading through the anxiety worries when people actually 'feel good'. It seems to be followed by a fear or 'feeling bad again'.

Maybe try and focus on what or how you've felt better, rather than focusing on a perceived inevitability that you will 'feel bad' again.

Just my perception, but worthwhile taking on board lads.

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Just a few things I've noticed reading through the anxiety worries when people actually 'feel good'. It seems to be followed by a fear or 'feeling bad again'.

Maybe try and focus on what or how you've felt better, rather than focusing on a perceived inevitability that you will 'feel bad' again.

Just my perception, but worthwhile taking on board lads.

While you're absolutely right, it isn't always that easy. As others have mentioned, the mind can be your own worst enemy. You don't want these negative thoughts creeping in, they just do. No one makes a concious decision to feel that way.

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Yeah! I was in a smiliar boat, constantly worried how I was perceived, wondering if I was dulling every folk around me, "why isn't this person laughing?", "oh shit that was an eye-roll, wasn't it?". Certainly doesn't help suffering from an eating disorder too. However, it's funny when you reflect on yourself - you just think "How could I ever be so daft!".

It's weird how it's all panned out for me, I just don't give a f**k anymore. I wasted a year and a half my life just lying around, terrified of going out incase I bump into successful old-friends who'd invetibly ask "So where have you been" and "what are you doing with your life these days?". I did come across this vid and a quote from AC Grayling which really resonated with me (para-phrasing), "Basically you have on average, less than a 1000 months to live. A third of that is allocated to sleep, whilst another third is spent in the shower or in Tescos. So when you think about it, you have around a third left, 300 months, really to do stuff you enjoy and spend it with the people who bring joy into your life. It's incredibly short and you have a duty to yourself and to others you love to live life to the fullest. There is no one correct way to live life; we all have different skills, talents and interest."

I mean, I'm probably being naive, and it's most likely just down to the cocktail of meds I'm on (citalopram - generic anti-depressant, quetiapene - anti-anxiety, and zoplicon - sleep), but f**k it feels good just not to give a f**k. I've started talking to folk, even strangers at time (I've noticed people liked being asked questions, who'd have thought?). Being pro-active and attending events (alone!) like referendum/science-based ones and just striking chit-chat with randomners (I'd almost always just have ear-phones plugged, arms folded with a sulky expression in in the past!). Sometimes, I'd even walk through town, dressed like a chino w****r, sit down in a crowded park, and read a book. No one gives a shit, who'd a thought (spot-light effect!) - Summed up by this tweet. Definitely a far-cry from how I was several months back (feeling hopeless, never sleeping and constantly idealising suicide).

Are you me? A lot of what you describe is pretty much how it is for me. I have an eating disorder as well, and just today realised I’d spunked about £800 quid in a month on it. The result is that I’m massively overweight and it really affects my confidence, so I go back to junk eating as a coping mechanism. It’s long stopped working but now I fine myself actually addicted to doing it and have been trying for years to break it. This means I usually have zero confidence and just walk about with my head down, earphones in trying to avoid eye contact. I’ve lost a lot of friends as I’m too ashamed to out a lot of the time and this has left me pretty alone, and of course single (coming on for 4 years now). I feel really paranoid that folk are mocking me and have no confidence usually to talk to people, especially women who I think must think me to be fucking rank. I also think that this is egotistical, as why would they give a f**k about me? It’s pish. I go through phases where I feel fine and convince myself that I’ll beat it, but the cycle just repeats. I often just sit in at the weekend alone, drinking by myself, and at times self harmed (although it just hurt; it didn’t seem to help). I just feel numb a lot at the moment, especially at work which is just so boring, but I feel trapped in this lifestyle of sitting in an office 9-5 Mon-Fri doing something I have zero interest in and don’t give a f**k about. Going back to uni is out of the question just now as I did 5 years at Aberdeen but only got to 3rd year (did 1st year twice, 2nd year once and 3rd year twice). It annoys me as I know if I wasn’t lying at bed feeling shit (as I did a lot) then I could have done well. Two things from that stand out for me; one is doing a 3rd year essay from scratch 3 hours before it was due in and getting a 14 (the best is a 20) and the other is doing a 3rd year presentation that I completed from scratch 2 hours before I was due to give it and getting an 18. I never sat any of my 3rd year exams except one. I revised for about 2 hours and got an 8; the pass was 9. I actually had a plan to get a medical exemption, and it was to burn my hand. I had heated up a metal pot handle and was going to grab it and get burned, and claim it was an accident. This was on the morning of an exam. Instead I eventually decided against it and just went back to bed and slept for hours.

This failure at uni haunts me as I really know if I was right in the head I could have done well. I was really involved in the student radio there as well and it was something I really enjoyed. In fact I spent more time doing stuff for this than I did on uni work. I really felt I had found something I was good at and enjoyed, but that all went to f**k when I had to leave uni (and Aberdeen). I was gutted as I was elected the head DJ there and was still involved with the review team.

How's your sleep? Do you abuse caffeine? Are you being over-worked?

I usually have no problems getting to sleep and sleep for at least 7/8 hours a night if I have work the next day. I sleep for about 11 hours at the weekend if I’m not doing anything. I always feel tired throughout the day though no matter how much sleep I have. I always seem to be yawning.

I drink shitloads of Diet Coke (think I’m addicted as I was saying before) which clearly won’t help.

Wouldn’t say I’m being over-worked.

Do you family support/close friends you can talk to about life? It's so good having someone who helps you to dot the t's in a way ( The idea that men should just be expression-less, tough gorillas is changing imo. It's being cool again to release some emotion, even tearing up. We're all human, no one is perfect. Have you thought about keeping a diary?

Nope, not got anyone I can speak to. My parents know I have issues but don’t know the extent and don’t know how to deal with it. A couple of my friends know I have issues but again I don’t think they know how serious it is. Me and my best pal text each a lot, but I don’t want to burden him as I know he had issues himself before. He posts on this site sometimes. It would be unfair on him and it’s not his responsibility.

Maybe you could make new friends, hell organise a P+B Dundee Crawl, it could be a laugh - I've started contemplating one of the Glasgow ones too!

Oh, Tinder is also a nice wee app too haha.

I want to make new friends but don’t know how. Or more accurately, I don’t have the confidence to go out and do things just now. And I know how self pitying that is and how nothing will change if I don’t make changes, but I just can’t see how I can overcome it.

It's not shit. It's nice just being able to bounce thoughts around.

Yeah man. Thanks for listening.

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Has anyone been on mirtazapine ?

My mate's just been prescribed with it and is feeling around 50% of the side effects at once and he's on one a night. Going to two a night next week.

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Has anyone been on mirtazapine ?

My mate's just been prescribed with it and is feeling around 50% of the side effects at once and he's on one a night. Going to two a night next week.

It has quite a reputation for being quite bad for bringing out side effects. Not very pleasant at all.

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Has anyone been on mirtazapine ?

My mate's just been prescribed with it and is feeling around 50% of the side effects at once and he's on one a night. Going to two a night next week.

I find it fucking brilliant if I want to sleep for two days.

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Interesting reading on the last page or so, I also can relate to lots of what is being said.

When I was younger I really didn't give a shit about what people thought or acted towards me. But after a few bad experiences and not being able to fully trust most strangers as a result I think others pick up that I'm suspicious or something, dunno what it is.

Basically in bullet point form this has been my life since high school

Popular and confident up to age 14

Got in with wrong crowd, one friend betrayed me badly and turned others against me

Hang around with them was never the same and slowly stopped going about with them around twenty two ish and threw myself into working all the hours going. Lost all friends as one decent friend left to go to armed forces.

For the next five years or so never met anyone new other than the occasional work mate and night out. I really didn't even realise that anything was wrong as I was either working or getting pissed in the house on occasional day off. Worked seven days most weeks for years.

Got what I thought was a good job, was very wrong. Job and company were great but boss was a total asshole and I was bullied for years. Ironically as I started to push back I really looked at myself and realised how much of my life was wasted due to what has been happening when I was at school.

Finally got my act together and moved on to another company, workmates seem ok. Started to panic about social situation after the effects of the previous bullying wore off and for some reason try to get back in contact with old friends. Doesn't work out, go out a few times and there's a bad atmosphere and doesn't feel right. At the same time was in contact with other decent friend who was really close but they passed away in tragic circumstances.

That was last year, since then I've hardly been out socially and made an attempt to go on a dating site but really didn't feel that I have the confidence to go out on my own or meet strangers.

Seem to be in some horrible loop.

Not really happy with social situation.

Don't want to go out drinking every weekend.

Find it hard to speak to strangers, and trust them too.

Probably look a bit fed up most days at work, unfortunately recently been asked to work all the days going again. Don't really want to be there, it's a bit toxic too at times.

People seem too busy getting on with their lives to give a shit, or so it seems?

Sometimes it's easier just to stop fighting it or wallowing in pity, I usually exercise every day to take my mind off it and feel positive.

The spotlight effect holds true with me, at times I feel like I'm a target for arseholes who just dump their shit onto me and due to lack of confidence I just take it. Most of it is probably just banter and they're expecting a ribbing back but when you're already down it just hits you like a brick and then you get the feeling that they even enjoy it. Got into obsessing about how I present myself. Do I seem confident? Do I seem needy? Did that person just sigh at me?

I know I have said on here that if only someone showed an interest and dig a bit deeper they would find me a good laugh but I think people can sense that I need them more than they need me. Anyway, does anyone have real friends or just people they sit next to in the pub?

I thought I had friends, really good ones but it's amazing how quickly things can turn around. Can't go back now just wish I could just flick a switch and stop caring, maybe I will meet someone or a bunch of people who are good people but it's extremely difficult after shutting down for so long.

Sorry for the long post, I do find this cathartic somehow, would never speak this openly to family members tbh.

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I don't think I have depression, but I don't know where else to put this, and I need to vent.

I'm 22, married to the girl I've loved since school and have 2 amazing children, I'm currently studying a subject I enjoy, have an alright job, and referee football on the side (which I enjoy immensely). However, most of the time when I'm at home I feel like I have a short fuse, and I spend a huge amount of time staring at my phone (to the extent I think I have an addiction to it). I feel like I have no friends. I kept trying to keep in contact but my friendships appeared to be a 1 way street, so unsurprisingly when I stopped making the effort it means we don't speak anymore. I feel like I want to move somewhere else and start again, but that also terrifies me.

That seems like a real word salad.

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For the second time in 2 weeks I collapsed at school today.

From finding nothing despite a shit-load of tests last time, this time they think they know what's wrong, apparently I have a tumour in my stomach (explains the lethargy and lack of appetite)

Did a biopsy and will let me know "Within 24 hrs" if it's malignant or not.

Safe to say I am not in a good place right now!

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For the second time in 2 weeks I collapsed at school today.

From finding nothing despite a shit-load of tests last time, this time they think they know what's wrong, apparently I have a tumour in my stomach (explains the lethargy and lack of appetite)

Did a biopsy and will let me know "Within 24 hrs" if it's malignant or not.

Safe to say I am not in a good place right now!

Hope it's nothing too serious.

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I had a really creepy dream last night where I was having a meal and sharing experiences with Robin Williams, talking about the last few months of feeling really down during unemployment and the way forward which didn't involve dying.

You'd think that with s**t like you'd catch on to it being a dream, but alas no. Lucid dream opportunity squandered.

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For the second time in 2 weeks I collapsed at school today.

From finding nothing despite a shit-load of tests last time, this time they think they know what's wrong, apparently I have a tumour in my stomach (explains the lethargy and lack of appetite)

Did a biopsy and will let me know "Within 24 hrs" if it's malignant or not.

Safe to say I am not in a good place right now!

Wishing you all the best. I'm pretty sure you mentioned that you live in America, so hope everything "paperworks" wise is suitable too - American healthcare seems like a total joke.

Hope your daughters aren't too upset and are keeping you company. Human connections can help so much during the down-times.

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I went to see a occupational therapist recently after I said to someone at work I was going to throw myself out a moving car. I was feeling pretty shit for a while and I always hid from the problem but I've faced up to it and went to see my GP aswell and I've been recommended for counselling. One thing the OT said for me to do was do a course on www.llttf.com it teaches you how to deal with anxiety. Some of the people that post on here should give it a try.

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