Depression

[Hedgecutter]

I share Mr Bairn's fear tbh. Opened up to my GP which I found to be incredibly difficult (got there in the end) but I've yet to be able to share the same with friends / family, even the other half.

Edited July 22, 2015 by Hedgecutter

[Gaz]

I've thought about posting on here for a while now. Here goes.

A few months ago one of the nursery staff took my wife aside and told her that she thought our oldest (three later on this month) was showing signs of being on the autistic spectrum. Her vocabulary has always been good, but she's struggling to form sentences and as a result can't express clearly what she wants, and then gets frustrated / starts having tantrums.

Since then three of the five agencies involved in Falkirk's pre-five clinical assessment team have positively identified her as being on the spectrum.

Her behaviour is getting more and more challenging. She has no fear, constantly puts herself in danger and is a danger to her sister (one in June) - trying to bite her, push her and generally scares her. Our youngest has always been a clingy baby but will barely leave my wife's side.

Each day is a constant, constant battle - to keep them safe, to try and ensure that they eat enough, to keep them entertained. It's so difficult to actually do anything with them that the thought of even leaving the house is a nightmare. Right now I've been trying to get her to go to sleep for just under an hour and she's jumping around on the bed. She has limitless energy - we don't. Couples time is non-existent. I barely eat - I'm lucky if I get one meal a day, the four of us eating at once is far too difficult. All I've had to eat today is a bowl of cornflakes, a McFlurry, a packet of crisps and two chicken nuggets.

Our house is an absolute hovel. I barely get any time to do any tidying, let alone cleaning. I tidy as best I can and then within a couple of hours it's back to what it was like before. I hate my house, I hate living here.

I have no idea what to do. My wife has told me that I should speak to someone, but what good's that going to do? Unless they're going to come out and tidy our kitchen and look after the weans for a couple of hours I'm just going to vent to someone and then come home to the same problems.

I just feel so down. I get woken up any time between 7:30am and 9:00am by her waking up and then I'm on the go all day. I don't get a minute to just sit down and take some time for myself - any time I get in the house by myself I need to spend trying to get the place looking acceptable. I haven't put a wash on in a week, our kitchen has barely any clean dishes left and is stacked high with old food. Even things like our green bin gets to me - we have three-weekly bin collections and we could fill our green bin with nappies alone with no room for anything else. We've a bag of rubbish sitting in the kitchen, it's been there for a week now.

I don't know what to do. I'm trying to stay strong for my wife. But I'm at breaking point.

Edited August 2, 2015 by Gaz

[philpy]

Speak to an autism support group if there are any in the area gaz, see if you can get some respite care for the wee one if possible?? I hope you get things sorted Gaz, I've only met you once but you're a decent bloke, if you stayed round the corner I'd be round to help you tidy up. You shouldn't have to live like that mate, keep the head up and take care.

[Adam]

I've thought about posting on here for a while now. Here goes.

A few months ago one of the nursery staff took my wife aside and told her that she thought our oldest (three later on this month) was showing signs of being on the autistic spectrum. Her vocabulary has always been good, but she's struggling to form sentences and as a result can't express clearly what she wants, and then gets frustrated / starts having tantrums.

Since then three of the five agencies involved in Falkirk's pre-five clinical assessment team have positively identified her as being on the spectrum.

Her behaviour is getting more and more challenging. She has no fear, constantly puts herself in danger and is a danger to her sister (one in June) - trying to bite her, push her and generally scares her. Our youngest has always been a clingy baby but will barely leave my wife's side.

Each day is a constant, constant battle - to keep them safe, to try and ensure that they eat enough, to keep them entertained. It's so difficult to actually do anything with them that the thought of even leaving the house is a nightmare. Right now I've been trying to get her to go to sleep for just under an hour and she's jumping around on the bed. She has limitless energy - we don't. Couples time is non-existent.

Our house is an absolute hovel. I barely get any time to do any tidying, let alone cleaning. I tidy as best I can and then within a couple of hours it's back to what it was like before. I hate my house, I hate living here.

I have no idea what to do. My wife has told me that I should speak to someone, but what good's that going to do? Unless they're going to come out and tidy our kitchen and look after the weans for a couple of hours I'm just going to vent to someone and then come home to the same problems.

I just feel so down. I get woken up any time between 7:30am and 9:00am by her waking up and then I'm on the go all day. I don't get a minute to just sit down and take some time for myself - any time I get in the house by myself I need to spend trying to get the place looking acceptable. I haven't put a wash on in a week, our kitchen has barely any clean dishes left and is stacked high with old food. Even things like our green bin gets to me - we have three-weekly bin collections and we could fill our green bin with nappies alone with no room for anything else. We've a bag of rubbish sitting in the kitchen, it's been there for a week now.

I don't know what to do. I'm trying to stay strong for my wife. But I'm at breaking point.

I can relate to basically everything you've posted here, Gaz. Our eldest has Aspergers and it is a constant battle to make sure he isn't putting himself in danger or his little brother. And the fighting? It seems to never end, you're constantly playing peacemaker between them. Obviously siblings will fight but our two take it to a different level.

I know the feeling of constantly putting out fires, moving from one bit of house work to the next and then back again to the first bit as someone has made a bigger mess than before. It is an existence rather than a life, you do begin to hate basically everything in your life. It's easy for me to say that you should talk to someone about it, but I haven't and I seriously doubt I will.

I won't tell you it gets easier, because in my experience it doesn't. But you're not alone, there are others out there who are suffering like you are. I would never normally tell someone to send me a message on here if they're depressed or going through things that I am not familiar with, but in this instance I can obviously relate very well, so please don't hesitate to send me a message if you need a chat.

[Karpaty]

I work in after care at a school so I could ask about with my gaffers if there is anything in terms of place you could go, people to speak too or organisations that may be able help. Might not be any different to the mainstream that is out there but it's worth a try.

Edited August 2, 2015 by Chris_DK

[Ad Lib]

At the end of my tether a bit at the moment. Since notionally returning to work on a part-time basis in May I've been making really slow progress and have found concentrating and routine really difficult. I have intermittent problems sleeping and my mood can dip really really low sometimes for days on end.

I've been really stressed a lot, and feel lonely and that my life is futile a lot. My general self-esteem has probably never been lower. I have constant doubts as to my ability to keep going with my degree and I have a constant feeling that my friends are drifting away from me and that my life has lost all sense of direction.

My medication was upped quite a few weeks ago but it did no good at all. I went on holiday with my parents to Wales to see family and had a bit of a breakdown. Suicidal thoughts returned for the first time in a while but this time it involved researching what would make me overdose rather than the window jumping. When I had the breakdown I told my parents about the thoughts (I'd never told them that part of it before) and they got quite a shock at just how bad it was. I felt guilty the whole time that I was ruining their holiday but there were points when I just physically couldn't summon the energy to get up or to reply to questions and I just wanted to be left alone. They cut the holiday short to get me back to Glasgow so I can see my doctor.

I overheard my dad and mum talking about me and I think they think I have rapid cycling bipolar disorder rather than just depression. I'm now worried that the diagnosis was incomplete and given my family has experience with bipolar disorder with my mum and my dad's dad.

My self-esteem is really fragile and even small criticism sets me off and makes me feel completely inadequate. I've got no faith in myself at all and just feel so fed up. I want my life back to normal and it's showing no sign of doing so.

I'm just a bit scunnered really.

[CityDave]

At the end of my tether a bit at the moment. Since notionally returning to work on a part-time basis in May I've been making really slow progress and have found concentrating and routine really difficult. I have intermittent problems sleeping and my mood can dip really really low sometimes for days on end.

I've been really stressed a lot, and feel lonely and that my life is futile a lot. My general self-esteem has probably never been lower. I have constant doubts as to my ability to keep going with my degree and I have a constant feeling that my friends are drifting away from me and that my life has lost all sense of direction.

My medication was upped quite a few weeks ago but it did no good at all. I went on holiday with my parents to Wales to see family and had a bit of a breakdown. Suicidal thoughts returned for the first time in a while but this time it involved researching what would make me overdose rather than the window jumping. When I had the breakdown I told my parents about the thoughts (I'd never told them that part of it before) and they got quite a shock at just how bad it was. I felt guilty the whole time that I was ruining their holiday but there were points when I just physically couldn't summon the energy to get up or to reply to questions and I just wanted to be left alone. They cut the holiday short to get me back to Glasgow so I can see my doctor.

I overheard my dad and mum talking about me and I think they think I have rapid cycling bipolar disorder rather than just depression. I'm now worried that the diagnosis was incomplete and given my family has experience with bipolar disorder with my mum and my dad's dad.

My self-esteem is really fragile and even small criticism sets me off and makes me feel completely inadequate. I've got no faith in myself at all and just feel so fed up. I want my life back to normal and it's showing no sign of doing so.

I'm just a bit scunnered really.

Greenie for support mate.

I don't know if you have posted on this thread before but maybe try and get a few different opinions from different professionals and find out what could be the problem and how you can move forward. If it is Biopolar then its something you will need to work with, there is no easy way around it, it will be difficult and it is hell, but once you put a name to it, at least it helps naming that demon or black dog as it has been called by others. There is help available if you need it nowadays for many mental health problems and you need not be alone, internet is a wonderful thing.

The hard fact is nothing stays the same and we are continually evolving as we move through life and what might seem normal (what was before) is not achievable because things have changed and will never be the same again, life can be nasty but also can through up pleasant surprises. Its not a complete answer for everything but maybe try doing something creative that is yours (writing, music or art) something that gives you an outlet of expression, something to focus your mind on. Move forward and think about the future and what you can do and I'm sure those that care about you will give you support if they see it as helpful.

I don't think I've ever replied to any of your posts before but from what I've read of you over the years you come across as one of the more articulate and intelligent contributors to the forum and I hope my uneducated words might be of some help, if not anyway all the best in finding a way out.

[Ad Lib]

Greenie for support mate.

I don't know if you have posted on this thread before but maybe try and get a few different opinions from different professionals and find out what could be the problem and how you can move forward. If it is Biopolar then its something you will need to work with, there is no easy way around it, it will be difficult and it is hell, but once you put a name to it, at least it helps naming that demon or black dog as it has been called by others. There is help available if you need it nowadays for many mental health problems and you need not be alone, internet is a wonderful thing.

The hard fact is nothing stays the same and we are continually evolving as we move through life and what might seem normal (what was before) is not achievable because things have changed and will never be the same again, life can be nasty but also can through up pleasant surprises. Its not a complete answer for everything but maybe try doing something creative that is yours (writing, music or art) something that gives you an outlet of expression, something to focus your mind on. Move forward and think about the future and what you can do and I'm sure those that care about you will give you support if they see it as helpful.

I don't think I've ever replied to any of your posts before but from what I've read of you over the years you come across as one of the more articulate and intelligent contributors to the forum and I hope my uneducated words might be of some help, if not anyway all the best in finding a way out.

Thanks for the kind words. I've posted on here a few times about this and I've had extensive CBT and medication since the depression and anxiety diagnosis in January. What's getting me down now is as much the feeling that this isn't "just a blip" anymore. No matter how awful things were in say February time I could at least rationalise it as something that would be under control and which I could move on from. Now it's been almost a year since the first symptoms began and the fact that I've relapsed from progress about 3 or 4 times in that period is just so dispiriting.

I see friends my age, and even people who are younger than me who've completely got their shit together, starting graduate jobs, getting promotions, settling down, finding long term partners, even getting my married and every aspect of my life just feels aimless and like I'm slowly losing any semblance of control or purpose. I'm worried that I'm going to wake up one day and I'm 40 with few friends, no real career prospects, nothing to make me genuinely happy and I'll have wasted the best years of my life.

I've spent so long in life aiming high in so many things and working so hard to achieve them and succeeding and now I don't know what I want to do with my life and what the point of it is. I hate it.

[philpy]

Has the political stuff played any part in your feelings, do you think??

[Ad Lib]

Has the political stuff played any part in your feelings, do you think??

The campaign was one of the best things to happen to me. While I was off ill having something to do, a challenge to pursue, low expectations and lots of time outdoors interacting with people was an absolute lifeline. It was something to get out of bed for, exciting and made me feel in control of something about my life.

[McRuffian]

Ad Lib.

What you have posted there, i could have posted exactly the same thing on and off at times over the last 10 years.

I don't know what support you have mate or who you are in touch with about this but I know where you are coming from. I haven't read this thread, only your post and I'm serious, if you need someone to talk to who knows what's it like to be in the position you are in then PM me.

Sometimes it's good to just talk mate and get things off your chest.

[CityDave]

Thanks for the kind words. I've posted on here a few times about this and I've had extensive CBT and medication since the depression and anxiety diagnosis in January. What's getting me down now is as much the feeling that this isn't "just a blip" anymore. No matter how awful things were in say February time I could at least rationalise it as something that would be under control and which I could move on from. Now it's been almost a year since the first symptoms began and the fact that I've relapsed from progress about 3 or 4 times in that period is just so dispiriting. I see friends my age, and even people who are younger than me who've completely got their shit together, starting graduate jobs, getting promotions, settling down, finding long term partners, even getting my married and every aspect of my life just feels aimless and like I'm slowly losing any semblance of control or purpose. I'm worried that I'm going to wake up one day and I'm 40 with few friends, no real career prospects, nothing to make me genuinely happy and I'll have wasted the best years of my life. I've spent so long in life aiming high in so many things and working so hard to achieve them and succeeding and now I don't know what I want to do with my life and what the point of it is. I hate it.

Its just my humble opinion but try not to compare yourself to others and their goals or achievements, you have your own life and you really do have your own direction where you have control of where you are going and where you are supposed to be. Nothing to do with anyone else, its yours and yours only and it doesn't mean money, settling down with a wife or chasing a high flying job, life is about experiences and being happy, you have a short life time in which to enjoy it , cram it in. When you realise that some of these fuckers that you originally aspire to are probably so fucking miserable in their contained controlled life style then just maybe you might see that this is not the only way to live. I know you are smart, probably smarter than I am, so find a way, your way, where you can achieve your standards not anyone elses.

Ad Lib, you know sometimes just talking helps, ....simple things, but it does.

Anytime

Edited August 9, 2015 by CityDave

[Ad Lib]

Its just my humble opinion but try not to compare yourself to others and their goals or achievements, you have your own life and you really do have your own direction where you have control of where you are going and where you are supposed to be. Nothing to do with anyone else, its yours and yours only and it doesn't mean money, settling down with a wife or chasing a high flying job, life is about experiences and being happy, you have a short life time in which to enjoy it , cram it in. When you realise that some of these fuckers that you originally aspire to are probably so fucking miserable in their contained controlled life style then just maybe you might see that this is not the only way to live. I know you are smart, probably smarter than I am, so find a way, your way, where you can achieve your standards not anyone elses.

I'm terrible at setting goals for myself. I've always been more successful when I've had people to compete with. If someone sets me a challenge or someone else is pursuing a challenge that seems worthwhile I'll be on it like a dog with a bone. But ask me to decide what I want and I'm hopeless.

Anything I feel like I actually want out of life just seems totally out of reach and anything I used to think I could achieve either doesn't feel valuable or is unobtainable.

Edited August 8, 2015 by Ad Lib

[RH33]

Keep in close contact with your GP Ad Lib so you can build a relationship with him/her so they are better able to know you and your moods.

I'd highly recommend Barbara Gerber at Equilibria in Glasgow for some psychotherapy. She is excellent.

I'd also insist on a referral to a consultant psychiatrist if you haven't already as this has been a few months and you have a family history. If you happen have private insurance I recommend the Priory as its so much better than nhs.

Don't worry (easy to say) about work, if part time is what you can manage then just tick over doing that for a while until you are back on your feet.

I've been at the point where I wanted to jump.

I've been talked off the platform edge. There are people to help and people do care about you. Take small steps at a time, it's frustratingly

Hard at times but this will get easier.

Always here if you want drop a pm.

[Scary Bear]

At the end of my tether a bit at the moment. Since notionally returning to work on a part-time basis in May I've been making really slow progress and have found concentrating and routine really difficult. I have intermittent problems sleeping and my mood can dip really really low sometimes for days on end.

I've been really stressed a lot, and feel lonely and that my life is futile a lot. My general self-esteem has probably never been lower. I have constant doubts as to my ability to keep going with my degree and I have a constant feeling that my friends are drifting away from me and that my life has lost all sense of direction.

My medication was upped quite a few weeks ago but it did no good at all. I went on holiday with my parents to Wales to see family and had a bit of a breakdown. Suicidal thoughts returned for the first time in a while but this time it involved researching what would make me overdose rather than the window jumping. When I had the breakdown I told my parents about the thoughts (I'd never told them that part of it before) and they got quite a shock at just how bad it was. I felt guilty the whole time that I was ruining their holiday but there were points when I just physically couldn't summon the energy to get up or to reply to questions and I just wanted to be left alone. They cut the holiday short to get me back to Glasgow so I can see my doctor.

I overheard my dad and mum talking about me and I think they think I have rapid cycling bipolar disorder rather than just depression. I'm now worried that the diagnosis was incomplete and given my family has experience with bipolar disorder with my mum and my dad's dad.

My self-esteem is really fragile and even small criticism sets me off and makes me feel completely inadequate. I've got no faith in myself at all and just feel so fed up. I want my life back to normal and it's showing no sign of doing so.

I'm just a bit scunnered really.

Sorry to hear you're feeling like this. Hope your mood lifts and you get back to normal soon.

I don't want to appear flippant or insensitive, but I find watching comedy programmes, like Father Ted, Peep Show and the likes, raises my mood. However, I don't think I've been as low as you describe yourself.

Not sure what to say to you, but hope you feel better soon.

[shawfield shed boy]

Lost my dad very suddenly recently. Had bowel cancer but Docs told us he was in good health and he was booked in for a standard op (He actually looked very well,not just saying it) in couple of weeks....

Went on holiday to spain (Doc confirmed i should go) with wife and my wee girl,Her 1st holiday abroad and we got a call to say my dad had collapsed,He was in HDU unit and was being prepared for his op that day & they would call me but perhaps to arrange transport home just incase...

Two hours call came to say they opened him up and it wasnt good. Cpl hours to live and i needed to get home(This was at 0300 hrs on sunday mornin) First flight out wasnt till 12 midday but my dad had passed away by then of achemic bowel...

This was all 4 weeks ago. Im still not right,Scared to go to docs (Not wanting the usual pill job) but in my line of work dealing with customers im not in the right frame of mind when some empathy needs to be shown when their car breaks down (Big thing to them) & im finding it very difficult to apply considering my own circumstances...

This place might not be the right place to show emotions but nothing feels right just niw,Hoping One day i might feel myself again. Just doesnt feel like it

Edited August 12, 2015 by shawfield shed boy

[Poet of the Macabre]

Lost my dad very suddenly recently. Had bowel cancer but Docs told us he was in good health and he was booked in for a standard op (He actually looked very well,not just saying it) in couple of weeks....

Went on holiday to spain (Doc confirmed i should go) with wife and my wee girl,Her 1st holiday abroad and we got a call to say my dad had collapsed,He was in HDU unit and was being prepared for his op that day & they would call me but perhaps to arrange transport home just incase...

Two hours call came to say they opened him up and it wasnt good. Cpl hours to live and i needed to get home(This was at 0300 hrs on sunday mornin) First flight out wasnt till 12 midday but my dad had passed away by then of achemic bowel...

This was all 4 weeks ago. Im still not right,Scared to go to docs (Not wanting the usual pill job) but in my line of work dealing with customers im not in the right frame of mind when some empathy needs to be shown when their car breaks down (Big thing to them) & im finding it very difficult to apply considering my own circumstances...

One day i might feel myself again. Just doesnt feel like it

I'm very sorry for your loss mate. Not being able to be there makes it worse I imagine but there's nothing you could have done. I think losing a family member is something you never really get over but you learn to live with it. It just takes time and doing your best to make sure your wee girl has a great life and loves her Dad as much as you clearly loved yours.

Hope you find some peace soon brother.

[Njord]

Here to help y'awl. Edited August 12, 2015 by Njord

[Ad Lib]

Amazing what a couple of months does.

I'm feeling great right now. Work back on track, albeit part-time, doing plenty of exercise, emotionally a lot more stable, teaching again, self-esteem highest it's been in a long time.

CBT really made a difference. I've been off medication for over a month now, and that has elevated my mood. Suspect they were being counter-productive. Occasionally find lethargic points, and self-doubt can kick in, but social anxiety is greatly reduced and I'm in as good a place as I've been for at least a year.

Things do get better folks

[RH33]

Great to hear ad lib!