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8 hours ago, Acon said:

I’ve debated messaging on here a few times before and always thought it a stupid idea but I’m at a loss who I can talk to and feel I need to get stuff off my chest. I’ll probably not convey what I want to say properly and arguably this should go on the parenting thread, but here goes…

Wife and I had baby number 2 in January, and I’m really struggling with him right now. However I don’t feel I can really talk about it with Mrs. Acon about that because she’s the one with a big scar across her belly, the one in pain from the surgery she had to have and the one stuck under him about 20 hours a day due to the fact she’s breastfeeding and the baby is an absolute gannet. 

Not only that, but I genuinely feel like I don’t have any sort of feelings towards baby 2 and that’s seems fcuking mental considering how much I cherish our toddler. 

I dunno if it’s just because I’d forgotten a baby literally just shits n cries the now and I must’ve forgotten how that felt when it was toddler at that age, or just the fact there’s 2 of them to contend with now. 

I realise it’s probably compounded by the stressed of moving house at the end of March, being the sole earner now she’s only on statutory pay (especially considering she’s the higher earner) and the impending increases on household bills that we absolutely will not be able to afford. 

But I just get so angry and worked up at baby crying and it’s taking everything for me to compose myself and relax and help him. 

Like I literally told him to shut the fcuk up tonight and then hated myself for it because of how fucking stupid and mental that is. This tiny living thing that I’m meant to love and care for and I’m getting raging because god forbid he needs some attention. 

And yet when it comes to toddler I’ll shower him with hugs and kisses until he’s annoyed by me. 

 

I managed to get out with the dog for an hour tonight and it certainly helped to just get some fresh air and perspective, and I’m hoping pressing send on this will help too coz I’ve typed and deleted plenty of messages before and then struggled on with it. Just felt it had come to the fore and needed to express this time. 

 

Cheers

There's been in the last few months a bit of a campaign to increase awareness of pnd in dad's. 

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-leeds-59321086

It easy to go yeah but the Mrs went through xyz......but there are pressures that change on you too with a new child. You point out finances change but also you'll be picking up more of the slack with the elder child too. We're coming to the end of a difficult two years for society as a whole and staring at living costs increasing.

So it's understandable to be thinking, why the f**k did I have another one.

Don't ever shy away from posting in this thread. It's always a safe place.

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I’ve debated messaging on here a few times before and always thought it a stupid idea but I’m at a loss who I can talk to and feel I need to get stuff off my chest. I’ll probably not convey what I want to say properly and arguably this should go on the parenting thread, but here goes…
Wife and I had baby number 2 in January, and I’m really struggling with him right now. However I don’t feel I can really talk about it with Mrs. Acon about that because she’s the one with a big scar across her belly, the one in pain from the surgery she had to have and the one stuck under him about 20 hours a day due to the fact she’s breastfeeding and the baby is an absolute gannet. 
Not only that, but I genuinely feel like I don’t have any sort of feelings towards baby 2 and that’s seems fcuking mental considering how much I cherish our toddler. 
I dunno if it’s just because I’d forgotten a baby literally just shits n cries the now and I must’ve forgotten how that felt when it was toddler at that age, or just the fact there’s 2 of them to contend with now. 
I realise it’s probably compounded by the stressed of moving house at the end of March, being the sole earner now she’s only on statutory pay (especially considering she’s the higher earner) and the impending increases on household bills that we absolutely will not be able to afford. 
But I just get so angry and worked up at baby crying and it’s taking everything for me to compose myself and relax and help him. 
Like I literally told him to shut the fcuk up tonight and then hated myself for it because of how fucking stupid and mental that is. This tiny living thing that I’m meant to love and care for and I’m getting raging because god forbid he needs some attention. 
And yet when it comes to toddler I’ll shower him with hugs and kisses until he’s annoyed by me. 
 
I managed to get out with the dog for an hour tonight and it certainly helped to just get some fresh air and perspective, and I’m hoping pressing send on this will help too coz I’ve typed and deleted plenty of messages before and then struggled on with it. Just felt it had come to the fore and needed to express this time. 
 
Cheers

Having 2 close together can be quite stressful, especially if the baby needs fed more.

First up, you won’t be feeling “nothing” towards them. The fact that you are stressed about it, shows that you care about both your kids. There is a little under 2 years between my two, but I remember feeling stressed more with number two.
I know the toddler needs the attention as well, but for the feeding, how does your wife feel about expressing milk so that you can feed the baby. Give her a bit of time off from it and give you a chance to bond with the baby?
Speak to your midwife as well about the feeding, they may be able to recommend a solution.
You said you managed to get out with the dog for a walk, when you do, could you listen to a podcast? Because “parenting hell” is a good one to listen to for tips etc. i know the presenters aren’t everyones cup of tea, but some of the guests are good for advice with very little ones.
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11 hours ago, Acon said:

I’ve debated messaging on here a few times before and always thought it a stupid idea but I’m at a loss who I can talk to and feel I need to get stuff off my chest. I’ll probably not convey what I want to say properly and arguably this should go on the parenting thread, but here goes…

Wife and I had baby number 2 in January, and I’m really struggling with him right now. However I don’t feel I can really talk about it with Mrs. Acon about that because she’s the one with a big scar across her belly, the one in pain from the surgery she had to have and the one stuck under him about 20 hours a day due to the fact she’s breastfeeding and the baby is an absolute gannet. 

Not only that, but I genuinely feel like I don’t have any sort of feelings towards baby 2 and that’s seems fcuking mental considering how much I cherish our toddler. 

I dunno if it’s just because I’d forgotten a baby literally just shits n cries the now and I must’ve forgotten how that felt when it was toddler at that age, or just the fact there’s 2 of them to contend with now. 

I realise it’s probably compounded by the stressed of moving house at the end of March, being the sole earner now she’s only on statutory pay (especially considering she’s the higher earner) and the impending increases on household bills that we absolutely will not be able to afford. 

But I just get so angry and worked up at baby crying and it’s taking everything for me to compose myself and relax and help him. 

Like I literally told him to shut the fcuk up tonight and then hated myself for it because of how fucking stupid and mental that is. This tiny living thing that I’m meant to love and care for and I’m getting raging because god forbid he needs some attention. 

And yet when it comes to toddler I’ll shower him with hugs and kisses until he’s annoyed by me. 

 

I managed to get out with the dog for an hour tonight and it certainly helped to just get some fresh air and perspective, and I’m hoping pressing send on this will help too coz I’ve typed and deleted plenty of messages before and then struggled on with it. Just felt it had come to the fore and needed to express this time. 

 

Cheers

When my youngest was born, I didn't an overwhelming feeling of love either. Not like in the movies where people see a newborn and just melt. I think there is pressure to feel that way - instant fawning and bliss. It isn't like that for every baby you have. 

When the baby starts to develop, the feelings come and come strongly. I love my youngest more than I can say, and a big chunk of that is her personality. 

 

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I’ve debated messaging on here a few times before and always thought it a stupid idea but I’m at a loss who I can talk to and feel I need to get stuff off my chest. I’ll probably not convey what I want to say properly and arguably this should go on the parenting thread, but here goes…
Wife and I had baby number 2 in January, and I’m really struggling with him right now. However I don’t feel I can really talk about it with Mrs. Acon about that because she’s the one with a big scar across her belly, the one in pain from the surgery she had to have and the one stuck under him about 20 hours a day due to the fact she’s breastfeeding and the baby is an absolute gannet. 
Not only that, but I genuinely feel like I don’t have any sort of feelings towards baby 2 and that’s seems fcuking mental considering how much I cherish our toddler. 
I dunno if it’s just because I’d forgotten a baby literally just shits n cries the now and I must’ve forgotten how that felt when it was toddler at that age, or just the fact there’s 2 of them to contend with now. 
I realise it’s probably compounded by the stressed of moving house at the end of March, being the sole earner now she’s only on statutory pay (especially considering she’s the higher earner) and the impending increases on household bills that we absolutely will not be able to afford. 
But I just get so angry and worked up at baby crying and it’s taking everything for me to compose myself and relax and help him. 
Like I literally told him to shut the fcuk up tonight and then hated myself for it because of how fucking stupid and mental that is. This tiny living thing that I’m meant to love and care for and I’m getting raging because god forbid he needs some attention. 
And yet when it comes to toddler I’ll shower him with hugs and kisses until he’s annoyed by me. 
 
I managed to get out with the dog for an hour tonight and it certainly helped to just get some fresh air and perspective, and I’m hoping pressing send on this will help too coz I’ve typed and deleted plenty of messages before and then struggled on with it. Just felt it had come to the fore and needed to express this time. 
 
Cheers
I'm not a dad, but it sounds like you need a little self time and the walk with the dog helped. Sorry if this isn't helpful but always try to give yourself a little time along just to reset from everything else.
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Thanks to all for the supportive messages, tips and advice. Genuinely means a lot, even when it does maybe just seem common sense most of the time. I think just airing my views rather than bottling helped massively, felt a lot better yesterday morning. 

22 hours ago, buchan30 said:

how does your wife feel about expressing milk so that you can feed the baby. Give her a bit of time off from it and give you a chance to bond with the baby?

We’ve discussed this and with a few events coming up in April / May / June it’ll probably be required anyway. With CoVID at its peak with toddler, I probably missed having that chance to do some feeds with him and maybe why I’m feeling more sensitive around it this time when there’s not been a reason for me not to be helping. 
 

22 hours ago, buchan30 said:

“parenting hell” is a good one to listen to for tips etc.

 

have listened to a few of these, it does always help hearing others struggling in a “we’re all in the same boat” way. 

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1 hour ago, Biscuits said:

Finally bit the bullet and admitted I need help.

Went to see doc and he diagnosed depression and anxiety. Now on sertraline. Anyone else been on this?

I was on mirtazapine, takes a few weeks for them to kick in and lot have side effects mainly weight gain

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Have been with my girlfriend for two and a half years and have lived together for two years now. I've always been aware of her mental health struggles, having had my own in the past too.

She'll go through spells of anxiety where the littlest thing can bring on tears/panic attacks. Which often leaves me feeling somewhat helpless. We always talk about any triggers at the time and how we both feel.

We don't fight and the relationship is good otherwise but recently I've found my own mental health slipping in conjunction, becoming irritable at trivial stuff, shuting off from things and generally feeling jaded.

I desperately don't want to end up resenting her for something she can't control and I love her but I just don't know if I can put myself through this cycle for the next however many years.

Having these concerns now it runs through my head whether it's fair on either of us to carry on in the hope that things will stabilise. Then I get home and feel guilty for even considering something which would hurt someone I care about so much.

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There's no simple answer but putting yourself through something that isn't helping you or her isn't it.

Sounds like you've been supportive but, as selfish as this sounds, ultimately everyone is responsible for their own mental health.

Is there a possibility of some sort of counselling for you both? Not necessarily couples counseling either, but just in general? Maybe worth a shot, but if it doesn't improve things you do need to consider who benefits from a relationship where you could end up feeling resentful towards her and she still has issues anyway. That isn't fair on either of you.

Also, and not saying this will happen, but sometimes the sad reality is that some people end up not being compatible with each other through no fault of either person.

Edited by DA Baracus
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  • 2 weeks later...

A Future Islands song came on my playlist today, and it was one of those moments (heard the song a few times, and enjoyed it but never paid attention to the lyrics) until today and stood still basically awaiting the next lyric and thinking Holy Shit!

 

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On 02/03/2022 at 15:08, Iminavest said:

Have been with my girlfriend for two and a half years and have lived together for two years now. I've always been aware of her mental health struggles, having had my own in the past too.

She'll go through spells of anxiety where the littlest thing can bring on tears/panic attacks. Which often leaves me feeling somewhat helpless. We always talk about any triggers at the time and how we both feel.

We don't fight and the relationship is good otherwise but recently I've found my own mental health slipping in conjunction, becoming irritable at trivial stuff, shuting off from things and generally feeling jaded.

I desperately don't want to end up resenting her for something she can't control and I love her but I just don't know if I can put myself through this cycle for the next however many years.

Having these concerns now it runs through my head whether it's fair on either of us to carry on in the hope that things will stabilise. Then I get home and feel guilty for even considering something which would hurt someone I care about so much.

Just seen this and me and my partner have similar struggles. There's no blanket advice that will help everyone here but if you love each other then I would try and stick by each other. I understand the feeling of wondering if you can do it for X number of years into the future and it's a scary thought. When my girlfriend struggled and had those anxiety/panic attacks I found myself not having a clue what to do or say and like you felt helpless. I found over time she wasn't looking for help, just to feel safe. I stay largely silent when she has an attack now and just sit with her. When she calms down we talk about it a bit more to try and understand it. I've found the length and frequency of these attacks have gone down over the last year, she's a lot calmer in her thoughts and has worked really hard to improve her health (mental and physical). I suppose what I'm trying to say is try and stay positive, it might feel like you've got a lifetime of this left but in 6 months time you might well feel different, it might only take 1 wee thing to improve her mindset and in turn yours. Seems like you are both good people and you're doing the right thing in talking about triggers, keep talking and concentrate on the positive aspects of your relationship. Hope things work out.

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2 hours ago, The Moonster said:

Just seen this and me and my partner have similar struggles. There's no blanket advice that will help everyone here but if you love each other then I would try and stick by each other. I understand the feeling of wondering if you can do it for X number of years into the future and it's a scary thought. When my girlfriend struggled and had those anxiety/panic attacks I found myself not having a clue what to do or say and like you felt helpless. I found over time she wasn't looking for help, just to feel safe. I stay largely silent when she has an attack now and just sit with her. When she calms down we talk about it a bit more to try and understand it. I've found the length and frequency of these attacks have gone down over the last year, she's a lot calmer in her thoughts and has worked really hard to improve her health (mental and physical). I suppose what I'm trying to say is try and stay positive, it might feel like you've got a lifetime of this left but in 6 months time you might well feel different, it might only take 1 wee thing to improve her mindset and in turn yours. Seems like you are both good people and you're doing the right thing in talking about triggers, keep talking and concentrate on the positive aspects of your relationship. Hope things work out.

There are one or two other things which give me doubts whether we're compatible long term, I think this latest panic attack has perhaps just brought these forward too. I don't know if the timing of the pandemic has led to these being pushed to the background.

I know there's a big chat due on the horizon but already know how much upset it'll likely cause.

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2 hours ago, The Moonster said:

Just seen this and me and my partner have similar struggles. There's no blanket advice that will help everyone here but if you love each other then I would try and stick by each other. I understand the feeling of wondering if you can do it for X number of years into the future and it's a scary thought. When my girlfriend struggled and had those anxiety/panic attacks I found myself not having a clue what to do or say and like you felt helpless. I found over time she wasn't looking for help, just to feel safe. I stay largely silent when she has an attack now and just sit with her. When she calms down we talk about it a bit more to try and understand it. I've found the length and frequency of these attacks have gone down over the last year, she's a lot calmer in her thoughts and has worked really hard to improve her health (mental and physical). I suppose what I'm trying to say is try and stay positive, it might feel like you've got a lifetime of this left but in 6 months time you might well feel different, it might only take 1 wee thing to improve her mindset and in turn yours. Seems like you are both good people and you're doing the right thing in talking about triggers, keep talking and concentrate on the positive aspects of your relationship. Hope things work out.

There are one or two other things which give me doubts whether we're compatible long term, I think this latest panic attack has perhaps just brought these forward too. I don't know if the timing of the pandemic has led to these being pushed to the background.

I know there's a big chat due on the horizon but already know how much upset it'll likely cause.

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Went to Andy Man's Club.

First time there were only 9 or so folk. Found out that this was due to COVID as the usual venue got more folk down.

I thought that this could really help. Everyone got a chance to speak and everyone was really supportive. Seemed like a really good group.

The next week was back in their regular venue, but was over 20 folk. Pretty much everyone was sound at first. However I felt the group was too big for folk to share things and I felt that I wasn't comfortable doing so with such a big group (over double the size of the first week).

Most folk seemed to know each other, and I really felt like an outsider who was intruding. I felt really uncomfortable in front of these guys. 

I may not have felt as uncomfortable had there not been a discussion about how 'Blazing Saddles' would apparently "have never been made today". There were a lot of comments that made me really uncomfortable (some racist).

This feels like an attack on Andy's Man Club. It isn't. They do great work and I would encourage anyone with any issues to at least try it. They have clubs all over the country. It wasn’t for me, but it could be for you.

Edited by DA Baracus
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21 minutes ago, DA Baracus said:

Went to Andy Man's Club.

First time there were only 9 or so folk. Found out that this was due to COVID as the usual venue got more folk down.

I thought that this could really help. Everyone got a chance to speak and everyone was really supportive. Seemed like a really good group.

The next week was back in their regular venue, but was over 20 folk. Pretty much everyone was sound at first. However I felt the group was too big for folk to share things and I felt that I wasn't comfortable doing so with such a big group (over double the size of the first week).

Most folk seemed to know each other, and I really felt like an outsider who was intruding. I felt really uncomfortable in front of these guys. 

I may not have felt as uncomfortable had there not been a discussion about how 'Blazing Saddles' would apparently "have never been made today". There were a lot of comments that made me really uncomfortable (some racist).

This feels like an attack on Andy's Man Club. It isn't. They do great work and I would encourage anyone with any issues to at least try it. They have clubs all over the country. It wasn’t for me, but it could be for you.

My maybe naive memory of Blazing Saddles was that it took the pish out of racism and sexism, had a decent fart joke but was a bit unkind to a  horse. But other takes are available. Maybe you just caught them on a bad night. I'd give it another go before you write them off as arseholes people you won't get on with..

Edited by welshbairn
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10 minutes ago, welshbairn said:

My maybe naive memory of Blazing Saddles was that it took the pish out of racism and sexism, had a decent fart joke but was a bit unkind to a  horse. But other takes are available. Maybe you just caught them on a bad night. I'd give it another go before you write them off as arseholes people you won't get on with..

I didn't write them off as arseholes. Pretty much everyone seemed really sound.

I think the big group was my main issue. In my view there wasn't enough time for everyone to speak about things.

However the chat about Blazing Saddles did reveal what I considered some poor opinions around race and some other issues, even if much of it wasn't deliberate.

I did not feel comfortable revealing things around said group.

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6 minutes ago, DA Baracus said:

I didn't write them off as arseholes. Pretty much everyone seemed really sound.

I think the big group was my main issue. In my view there wasn't enough time for everyone to speak about things.

However the chat about Blazing Saddles did reveal what I considered some poor opinions around race and some other issues, even if much of it wasn't deliberate.

I did not feel comfortable revealing things around said group.

I wouldn't reveal personal stuff to strangers until I got to know them a bit. They probably feel a bit wary of you too. Give it a few weeks would be my advice. No harm in not taking part much straightaway, and gradually figuring them all out.

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1 hour ago, welshbairn said:

I wouldn't reveal personal stuff to strangers until I got to know them a bit. They probably feel a bit wary of you too. Give it a few weeks would be my advice. No harm in not taking part much straightaway, and gradually figuring them all out.

Aye maybe that could work. It probably would, but the acceptance of certain issues, even though it was from a minority, turned me off.

I'd still absolutely encourage people to engage with their local group. I've heard nothing but good things from those who have.

Edited by DA Baracus
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  • 4 weeks later...
On 02/03/2022 at 15:08, Iminavest said:

Have been with my girlfriend for two and a half years and have lived together for two years now. I've always been aware of her mental health struggles, having had my own in the past too.

She'll go through spells of anxiety where the littlest thing can bring on tears/panic attacks. Which often leaves me feeling somewhat helpless. We always talk about any triggers at the time and how we both feel.

We don't fight and the relationship is good otherwise but recently I've found my own mental health slipping in conjunction, becoming irritable at trivial stuff, shuting off from things and generally feeling jaded.

I desperately don't want to end up resenting her for something she can't control and I love her but I just don't know if I can put myself through this cycle for the next however many years.

Having these concerns now it runs through my head whether it's fair on either of us to carry on in the hope that things will stabilise. Then I get home and feel guilty for even considering something which would hurt someone I care about so much.

Had the big chat about how I've recently just felt different towards her and can't totally pin point why. She said she'd recognised me gradually pulling away.

We've felt more like friends than partners recently and I don’t know if I can get those feelings back. 

I certainly don't want to lose her from my life altogether and she says the same but I don't know if that's just to soften the blow, given we will have to live together for a bit yet.

On one hand I know it's probably right that we're breaking up but on the other I wonder if I'm mad not persevering for the person who accepts everything about me and is my best friend. Especially when doing this might lead to reliving the pain, causing resentment and any potential friendship we could possibly maintain some point in the future.

I can't tell if I'm seeing everything we've had through rose tinted glasses since it's still so raw and the prospect of losing someone who's been a constant in my life everyday for the past 2.5 years is amplifying that.

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16 minutes ago, Iminavest said:

Had the big chat about how I've recently just felt different towards her and can't totally pin point why. She said she'd recognised me gradually pulling away.

We've felt more like friends than partners recently and I don’t know if I can get those feelings back. 

I certainly don't want to lose her from my life altogether and she says the same but I don't know if that's just to soften the blow, given we will have to live together for a bit yet.

On one hand I know it's probably right that we're breaking up but on the other I wonder if I'm mad not persevering for the person who accepts everything about me and is my best friend. Especially when doing this might lead to reliving the pain, causing resentment and any potential friendship we could possibly maintain some point in the future.

I can't tell if I'm seeing everything we've had through rose tinted glasses since it's still so raw and the prospect of losing someone who's been a constant in my life everyday for the past 2.5 years is amplifying that.

I'd forget this, "I certainly don't want to lose her from my life altogether and she says the same but I don't know if that's just to soften the blow." notion.  The idea of breaking up but remain friends DOES work but often not - so shouldn't be a consideration.

The bit I'd focus on is, "mad not persevering for the person who accepts everything about me and is my best friend.".  Unconditional acceptance is a rarity and worth cherishing.  It's, though only one component of a well-rounded relationship and, I guess, your dilemma is to know if it's enough.

You two seem to have mutual esteem and mutual acceptance - which is terrific.  No idea if it's enough for a relationship to flourish but it's a great starting point.  My  thought is to have Couple Counselling.  'Relate' are excellent but can be hard to get a series of appointments as the are in demand.  You may have to book privately - which is pricey but worth it if you think the relationship is worth saving.

They won't tell you anything you don't know but will help steer you through conversations together that - if you had them on your own - could lead to conflict and rancour  A good counsellor would also be able - or know someone who is able - to help your partner with her own issues.

If you think the relationship is worth saving then investing time and money to do so is a decent option.  Don't bumble along on your own.

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