Depression

[Melanius Mullarkey]

5 minutes ago, Richey Edwards said:

It was a long time coming, but I had my entry exam this morning.

 

AND I PASSED IT!

 

So now it's official. I AM going to university.

Congratulations Richey. Well done and good luck.

[The Moonster]

On 27/06/2021 at 01:25, Out of office said:

Sorry to 'hog' this thread. Don't worry, I won't be posting on here again for a long time after this (hopefully never).

 

I dislike when I get in the state I got in to the other night. It doesn't happen often thankfully, but I don't like it. I spew out a lot of hateful nonsense towards myself and come across as horribly self pitying, all of which just makes me dislike myself even more and add to my guilt and issues.

 

I appreciate the advice and kind words. Thank you. I know how to lose weight, but the issue is my mental block over it. It's hard to explain, but it's like I have a set 'routine' at times of what I eat and how I eat, like an addiction. I often eat healthy meals, and enjoy them, but then for some reason my brain makes me feel bad about having them again, urging me to have shite instead, to the point where it feels like a physical weight on the top of my head, and where I feel anxious and antsy, and fidgedty. It's like some sort of horrible 'itch' that isn't quite physical and isn't quite mental. It's horrible and so hard to shake. I am exhausted. I know I am dying but still struggle on. I've struggle for years and years.

 

I just wish I could have some sort of emotional 'release'. I feel like I'm blocked up at times, like I have some sort of dam that I need to break. I often shed a wee tear at some sad shit, or often at stupid random stuff (sometimes I feel emotional for no reason and the daftest of things will cause a wee tear), but none of that really helps overall. It sort of 'delays' things. I want to be able to smash this emotional dam that I feel and grieve over my lost past. I want to be able to break down over it, to really acknowledge it, let it hit me, and for me to 'cleanse' myself of it. But it won't happen. It feels at times like there is a physical weight in my chest and head/face, but I just can't break it down. I've been trying for years. 

 

I also just feel so alone. I know that's my fault (see my previous post), but it just hurts sometimes. It's not because I live alone. I quite like that most of the time. It's more that I'm truly isolated. I can't just go out for a couple of beers with someone if I wanted to. I don't have any friends here. The few friends I have live elsewhere, and I can't expect them to come up here just for me. I don't blame any of them at all; they all have lives and issues of their own and shouldn't ever feel they need to try and 'take care' of someone who is supposed to be an adult. I just wish I had some friends here. Even a friend. Unless I'm drunk, I'm far too ashamed to try and mingle with anyone new. I'm just so fat and repulsive that I constantly feel it, and constantly know that I'm being judged and assessed as a worthless fat p***k. No one wants to be friends with the fat c**t. So many issues revolve around me being a stupid fat f**k. I just need to sort it, but as noted, I have to fight myself, and it's so hard. It has made me often consider death. 

And there's also the issue of being single, which I touched upon last time. I won't bore you all again with the same shit. I just feel so sad too often. I am exhausted.

 

I need time to myself to try and heal, but I'm back at work on Monday (been off for 2 weeks on 'holiday'). I know I'll go back exhausted and anxious. I need at least a month off, almost certainly more, just to unwind and try and relax and try to address issues. But I can't have that, or I'll lose my job. I haven't had an actual 'holiday' (i.e. go someone not home for more than a couple of days) for over 20 years. I would love to just f**k off up north to an isolated caravan or some shit for a couple of weeks but can't afford that and don't have enough holiday days at work. I'm just so tired and just want some breathing space.

 

I've been drowning too long to believe that the tide's going to turn (great film by the way).

 

 

 

If you explain all this to your GP they'll give you at least a month off and you won't need to worry about holidays. 4 weeks ago I had a panic attack whilst getting ready for work, I spent 15 minutes on the phone to my doctor talking about things that were going on in my life and he signed me off for a month. In that time off I've sorted out a lot of stuff that I've been putting off for far too long (sorting bills out, repairs, sorting things in my social life) and slowly but surely my head is starting feel clearer. I think it's clear from your posts that you shouldn't be working just now especially if it adds to your anxiety. I hope you're doing okay mate, you can get through this stuff. 

[Guest TheJTS98]

On 23/06/2021 at 09:28, Out of office said:

 I don't drink during week days unless I'm off work.

There's your starting point.

The past is done, and as others on here have said, you need to just start from where you are and go forward. Get to the doctor and be as honest as that.

Keep us posted on here, and a DM any time if you need it or just feel like it.

[NotThePars]

11 hours ago, Richey Edwards said:

It was a long time coming, but I had my entry exam this morning.

 

AND I PASSED IT!

 

So now it's official. I AM going to university.

Oh here he comes, Uni Boy! Bet he's out there reading books and that.

Some going mate. Well done! Made up for you.

[Richey Edwards]

On 05/07/2021 at 19:39, NotThePars said:

Oh here he comes, Uni Boy! Bet he's out there reading books losing at chess and that.

Some going mate. Well done! Made up for you.

FTFY.

[Genuine Hibs Fan]

So despite things going pretty well at the moment (see: engagement) I'm in an absolute hole, mainly work related stress. Meeting with the works MH bod tomorrow but thinking I'll go to the Dr and see if I can get some assistance/signed off. Can handle the general stress and anxiety but I'm not sleeping at the moment, my heart rates been crazy high for weeks and I've been having some dark dark thoughts so it's this or get properly sick I think.

Eta Sorry on reading this back I don't mean to imply at all that mental health issues aren't "properly sick", more that the poor mental health I've been experiencing could develop into a more serious condition or I could become physically ill as well

Edited July 27, 2021 by Genuine Hibs Fan

[SANTAN]

42 minutes ago, Genuine Hibs Fan said:

So despite things going pretty well at the moment (see: engagement) I'm in an absolute hole, mainly work related stress. Meeting with the works MH bod tomorrow but thinking I'll go to the Dr and see if I can get some assistance/signed off. Can handle the general stress and anxiety but I'm not sleeping at the moment, my heart rates been crazy high for weeks and I've been having some dark dark thoughts so it's this or get properly sick I think.

Eta Sorry on reading this back I don't mean to imply at all that mental health issues aren't "properly sick", more that the poor mental health I've been experiencing could develop into a more serious condition or I could become physically ill as well

I got what you meant fully. I'm quite bad at addressing issues at the time and often leave them til later which in the long run isn't very healthy, especially with mental health issues. I wouldn't worry about the clarification, I think it was clear what you intended.

It's unpleasant to read anyone having issues but it's nice to see you've made a big leap and I'm sure with the head on your shoulders it will work out well for you. You've done a brave thing so you should feel some pride in that if you can. I can imagine it almost feeling more frustrating when issues like this occur when you're actually doing very well in life, I think one of the hardest things with most mental health concerns is the fact lots of it can be biologically related and you could be doing almost everything right but yet they still creep up!

PMS are always open if you're needing to vent or anything my man. ❤

Edited July 27, 2021 by SANTAN

[Genuine Hibs Fan]

38 minutes ago, SANTAN said:

I got what you meant fully. I'm quite bad at addressing issues at the time and often leave them til later which in the long run isn't very healthy, especially with mental health issues. I wouldn't worry about the clarification, I think it was clear what you intended.

It's unpleasant to read anyone having issues but it's nice to see you've made a big leap and I'm sure with the head on your shoulders it will work out well for you. You've done a brave thing so you should feel some pride in that if you can. I can imagine it almost feeling more frustrating when issues like this occur when you're actually doing very well in life, I think one of the hardest things with most mental health concerns is the fact lots of it can be biologically related and you could be doing almost everything right but yet they still creep up!

PMS are always open if you're needing to vent or anything my man. ❤

Cheers man. On addressing issues at the time it's been a year for avoiding that, putting everything down to covid or lockdown and assuming it'll get better. I've had jobs I've hated but never bad work related stress either so took till recently to click that's the most likely source of it.

It's gotten to breaking point though where I'm now worried about potentially losing my job as my performance has gone from very good 3 months ago to poor now (thankfully not yet in a quantifiable way) and I'm failing the exams for my grad scheme as on top of work I just can't find the energy to revise for them properly. 

[SANTAN]

50 minutes ago, Genuine Hibs Fan said:

Cheers man. On addressing issues at the time it's been a year for avoiding that, putting everything down to covid or lockdown and assuming it'll get better. I've had jobs I've hated but never bad work related stress either so took till recently to click that's the most likely source of it.

It's gotten to breaking point though where I'm now worried about potentially losing my job as my performance has gone from very good 3 months ago to poor now (thankfully not yet in a quantifiable way) and I'm failing the exams for my grad scheme as on top of work I just can't find the energy to revise for them properly. 

Yeah I'm sure a lot of people have felt similar from Covid, it's frighteningly common, of course I don't mean that in any disparaging way more in a normalising way. The last few years have been fucking horrible and barely believable at points, I'm sure there will be a lot of people struggling more than they normally may have. I know I have at points, even now as things are opening up I'm finding it hard to get back into the swing of things. 

As for the education stuff I can't pretend I've ever had to do anything so mentally exhausting to relate fully but it must be tough, my best mate is doing his masters right now and he's behind in his dissertation and having to ask for an extension and he is the most on top of things type of guy I know but right now he is stressed out his skull and finding it tough to juggle everything so I can understand the struggles and expectations, I obviously don't know your education situation or work one but I'd imagine they would be reasonable to giving you time or at least easing expectations for a while given the situation. You've obviously done really well to get to the point you're at work wise and academically, you're capable of doing whatever you wanna do even if it can be a bit cloudy when procrastinating over stuff. Of course it's easier said than done but perhaps taking some time to relax and de stress could do you a world of good. I've been signed off before during a bad time in my life and the doctors were extremely understanding and helpful, I'm sure they'll be equally good for you. Fingers crossed you're feeling a bit more in your rhythm sometime soon broski! 

[philpy]

Never thought I'd see the day,but this morning I took the steps of phoning the doctor about my heightened anxiety.  I've been prescribed beta blockers. Any else been prescribed them, and do they really help?? I've been told if they don't agree with me, they'll try something else.

[Venti]

2 hours ago, philpy said:

Never thought I'd see the day,but this morning I took the steps of phoning the doctor about my heightened anxiety.  I've been prescribed beta blockers. Any else been prescribed them, and do they really help?? I've been told if they don't agree with me, they'll try something else.

Had fluoexitine (sp) a good few years ago. Just made pure heavy nightmares/night terror things.

DM'ing people on this thread is a blessing.

[Twinkle]

7 hours ago, Slenderman said:

Had fluoexitine (sp) a good few years ago. Just made pure heavy nightmares/night terror things.

DM'ing people on this thread is a blessing.

Was given these on Monday

[scottsdad]

I have avoided this thread as I don't trust myself not to make flippant jokes or sarcastic comments for a cheap laugh, that may end up hurting someone. But I thought I would share my own story.

Anyway, I was talking with the wife a few days ago and I'm fairly sure I had a period of depression some years ago. Just before Christmas in 2008, I was given notice of a disciplinary notice against me at work. Literally the day of my son's nativity play at school, his first ever. The accusation was that I had looked at porn on my work computer. (Fast forward and I can tell you that I was cleared eventually. The times when these sites were accessed included times I was on holiday, or in a meeting with my director, or otherwise accounted for. The IT guy's best guess was that someone else got hold of my password. I most certainly wasn't stupid enough to do it). But , on that day the letter arrived stating that a disciplinary process had started against me and that, after Christmas, I would be invited for a meeting. 

The way the letter was written burned me badly. Basically it stated that if found guilty I would be dismissed for gross misconduct. Imagine how much fun that Christmas was. All I could think about was my job - what of I lost it? And in those circumstances, who would hire me ever again? 

The meeting was held with my director who was assigned as "investigating officer". I thought he was also my friend. The meeting was basically "OK, Scottsdad, we know you did it. Just admit it and I'll see what I can do." I denied it of course and a formal hearing was scheduled. My mental state was not improving by these delays, or by his manner. The hearing was for February 2009. 

The first hearing came and went quickly. The chair listened to the evidence and my denial, and basically said that he needed input from the government's IT guys. More delays, and during that hearing they sent the IT guy into my office to take away my computer. So now all my colleagues knew something was up. 

Whilst this was going on, I caught a bad chest infection. I was signed off work with it for eight weeks. Looking back I am certain that the stress associated with what I was going through exacerbated it. I was in really bad shape physically with this condition (a walk to the end of the street would take all my energy). After a good weekend I went back to work. I was determined to get this hearing over and done with. But I had gone back too soon, and after a week I was off again. This time I would be off for 6 more weeks. 

This was my worst time. Physically ill and mentally under so much pressure, looking back I'm sure I was depressed. 

The infection lifted and I went back to work. The director had taken half my team off me and reassigned them temporarily (which became permanent). The hearing came in July 2009 and I was able to make my case. Finally light at the end of the tunnel. The chair heard me out and then utterly roasted my director. As investigating officer he hadn't done his job. The fact I was in a meeting with him and 10 other people when the worst offence was being committed really made it bad for him. Stupidly I expected an apology from the director, but for him I guess I made him look foolish to another director. That was a sin in his eyes.

My depression was lifted but my career was terminally damaged. The director slowly took responsibilities off me. Then he created a post with my job title and responsibilities at a higher rate of pay. I applied and didn't even get an interview. I left in 2013. 

In all my life this was the worst time and only now with hindsight do I believe I had depression. Since starting my new job I haven't looked back. But I still feel sometimes that I was robbed - of a career, of a friendship (that I now believe was worthless). 

 

[The Derry]

Just reading through last few pages and hope DA Baracus is doing well.

[Tony Ferrino]

Sorry for being thick, but is 'depression' like a squashing of your emotions? A numbness to good or bad news, personal or otherwise?

One of the greatest tv programmes of recent times, the Mortimer and Whitehouse one is back on soon and Bob previously described his depression in terms of when Middlesborough scored. He knew he was better when they scored and he instictively jumped up without thinking about it. His instinctive emotions were depressed before then.

Anxiety, (I cant speak in groups of more than 4) is also a huge part, I know, but wondering about the feeling (or lack of) it.

Edited August 23, 2021 by Tony Ferrino

[carpetmonster]

1 hour ago, Tony Ferrino said:

Sorry for being thick, but is 'depression' like a squashing of your emotions? A numbness to good or bad news, personal or otherwise?

One of the greatest tv programmes of recent times, the Mortimer and Whitehouse one is back on soon and Bob previously described his depression in terms of when Middlesborough scored. He knew he was better when they scored and he instictively jumped up without thinking about it. His instinctive emotions were depressed before then.

Anxiety, (I cant speak in groups of more than 4) is also a huge part, I know, but wondering about the feeling (or lack of) it.

Can be. On an easier to notice (because you're not relying on a specific event or trigger) level, it's lack of interest in things you'd normally like. I'm not the best at the moment, and I *know* going out cycling will help; the fresh air, the vitamin D from the sunshine, the endorphins when you come back in, possibly a beer in the shower if I know I don't have to drive later on. All of it's great. Didn't manage to get out all weekend and then had to force myself out today. Glad I went now, trying to bookmark that feeling for tomorrow. 

Edited August 24, 2021 by carpetmonster

[Tony Ferrino]

23 minutes ago, carpetmonster said:

Can be. On an easier to notice (because you're not relying on a specific event or trigger) level, it's lack of interest in things you'd normally like. I'm not the best at the moment, and I *know* going out cycling will help; the fresh air, the vitamin D from the sunshine, the endorphins when you come back in, possibly a beer in the shower if I know I don't have to drive later on. All of it's great. Didn't manage to get out all weekend and then had to force myself out today. Glad I went now, trying to bookmark that feeling for tomorrow. 

Thank you. Mrs F’s family have a history of depression but not acknowledging it. I haven’t got a clue. 

[scottsdad]

9 hours ago, oaksoft said:

Not sure if that previous job of yours was in academia but that tactic of gradually under-employing someone to the point where they have no actual job to do each day in order to break them and get them to resign rather than have the tricky stressfest of actually sacking them is pretty common in universities.

Saw several examples of it. Once people have to start inventing jobs like "coffee club organiser" they are walking down the plank to oblivion. Those most at risk are those whose research funding dries up and they start becoming a burden on the department as a result. Or those who start causing trouble by trying to change the way things are done. A friend of mine ended his career overnight by criticising the wrong member of staff to the wrong person in the wrong manner. They re-assigned almost all of his lecture hours off him faster than you could blink. Not sure if he recovered as I haven't spoke to him for a wee while. He was only in the job a few months too.

So glad I'm out of that environment now.

It was in the civil service. But this kind of thing goes on everywhere.

[Chicken Wing]

Just reading through last few pages and hope DA Baracus is doing well.

Met up with him briefly the other week, he seemed ok - his usual pedantic self [emoji23]. He's actually coming down to mines this weekend so will be able to get a proper catch up with the fella!

[carpetmonster]

I’m out! And if I’d looked at the weather beforehand I’d have probably made my excuses, so might be a lesson in doing rather than overthinking.