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1 hour ago, V.Aye.R said:

Had to have a social media blackout. I'm not well suited to whatsapp messages etc and twitter is a toilet of a place.

My real friends etc will keep touch but its a terribly charged method of communication I find.

My issues are nothing like some of the posts above but social media really doesnt make me feel good or enhance my life. Had a blackout a while back and got added back into a whatsapp, has actually made me unhappy ever since.

Lot of social media brings its own pressures i think the whole fb (deleted it 5 yrs ago) and instagram bring their own issues, they give a false persona of how you think your life should be and somehow make you feel a failure in those that you know or follow if you havent got that lifestyle, when the reality is much different.

Looks like a lot of where you have more anxiety, dont let people force you back into using a platform that you dont like, your mental health means more than their way of communicating.  

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1 hour ago, V.Aye.R said:

My issues are nothing like some of the posts above but social media really doesnt make me feel good or enhance my life. Had a blackout a while back and got added back into a whatsapp, has actually made me unhappy ever since.

I was gravely unhappy a few years back and it was a mixture of things. One day I just deleted everything - Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat etc. Quite quickly I found I started to see a lot of people's 'true colours'. I took myself away from all discussions about other folks business and anything aired on those media platforms. Quite a few people commented on how weird it was but spiking back with "I don't need validation from somebody clicking a like button" usually shut them up quite quickly. 

Slowly I've returned to them all - but I only use Facebook for buying/selling clothes. Twitter for art etc. 

I use this site heavily and I genuinely mean it when I type - this site helps me far more than any other. Maybe it's the anonymity that allows more openness but I'd be pretty lost without this place and it's posters some times. This topic especially is a wondrous place where you see the best side of the Internet. 

Take care of yourselves and as always, I'm only ever a PM away. 

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10 hours ago, Ad Lib said:

Been kind of bottling this up for a while now.

Completely out of the blue my dad (then 56) was diagnosed with a brain tumour just before Christmas in 2019 after a funny turn at work. There was a whole faff in the January about whether it was benign or not that was settled by a follow-up scan in late February 2020, they operated on him sharpish, and they confirmed in March it was grade 4 and he was basically fucked.

There are a million and one things about that journey that are exhausting and uncertain and horrible and gut-wrenching. I've spent the last hour listing them out before deleting it all as it's just TMI and incoherent. The things that still stick out though, more than a year on, are having to be the one to break it to my mum on Christmas Eve that he'd been told he has a brain tumour, and then being told by my aunt over the phone (while I was at work) not long after his operation, in not so many words that he was terminal and that radiotherapy and chemotherapy were only going to buy him time.

In some really important ways I was lucky with the pandemic. It indirectly led to me working mostly from Glasgow, meant I could help mum look after dad, sharing the burden and spending some quality time with both of them. And my (younger) sister has at least brought the family some happiness in the form of his first grandchild. But the combination of the path of his illness, the twists and turns, the pandemic, and more recently me moving properly back to London (to become a home owner) has just been too much at times.

After a pretty bad depressive and anxiety phase at University quite a few years ago now, I had developed a lot of strategies to protect against burnout and spiralling, but I've found my dad's restarting chemo (this time while I'm not there) really difficult. Mum and dad are hoping to come down to London next week and it could well be the only time dad gets to see my home in person. I don't know if he's going to have the energy to do anything while they're down, mum's been so pessimistic about how the chemo has zonked him since restarting it, he can't even read a newspaper anymore, and I just don't know how much give I've got left before I start to lose it a bit again. I know my work is suffering, with the combination of forced working from home and the whole dad situation, but work is also just about the only thing I have actual proper control over right now.

My sister and I also know that, with mum being bipolar, there's a very solid chance that when dad does eventually pass on that she's going to be an absolute wreck for quite a prolonged period. We always assumed with her many health issues that she'd be the one to go first but to be honest there are times when I worry I'll lose both my parents in quick succession. One of the hardest things while working "from home" up in Glasgow was overhearing my mum saying to her psychiatrist (over the phone, because of course, because fucking Covid) that she was feeling suicidal again. One of the hardest things about not being up there is not knowing what's really going on, both with dad and with mum.

Much respect to you for dealing with this situation so well, hang in there!

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Guest TheJTS98
9 hours ago, V.Aye.R said:

Had to have a social media blackout. I'm not well suited to whatsapp messages etc and twitter is a toilet of a place.

My real friends etc will keep touch but its a terribly charged method of communication I find.

My issues are nothing like some of the posts above but social media really doesnt make me feel good or enhance my life. Had a blackout a while back and got added back into a whatsapp, has actually made me unhappy ever since.

I'm a couple of years off Facebook now. I use Whatsapp because I live abroad and the nature of my work has meant my friends are now quite spread around the world. But whatsapp is on my terms, with people I choose to be in touch with.

Can't recommend binning FB highly enough. Can't imagine ever having it back. A real head clearer.

Twitter is the worst thing in the world, and best just completely avoided.

Edited by TheJTS98
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Ad Lib's post made me think about my own situation with my Dad. He's 77 next month and has had a couple of shite years healthwise. April 2019 he was found to have a tumour in his bowel. Radiotherapy was tried first (he is shit-scared of hospitals and was offered an op but refused). This seemed to shrink it, but a few complications later and he was told it would definitely need to be surgery. He had this in September last year - whilst in recovery he broke his hip getting out of bed to go for a pish in the middle of the night, so was in for another op and a further five week stay.

The bowel op resulted in a permanent stoma which mentally he is not dealing well with at all. He's had additional complications with leakage from his back passage, and bladder problems. Further investigation of the bladder problem show that he's got another mass, which needs a general anaesthetic in order to obtain a biopsy. Given everything else that's happened to him he's far too weak for a GA so is stuck in limbo. However he's been strangely accepting of this new situation which is not like him. He finally admitted that he's had enough of it all and doesn't want surgery, and probably not even the biopsy as he doesn't think he'd survive a GA. He's very frail and has lost 3 stone in weight, has f**k all appetite and I think he's pretty much given up. 

Personally I can see his side of it. Indeed in his shoes I think i'd probably want it to end. His quality of life is not great at all and the prospect of further surgery must fill him with dread. My mum and sister are in bits about it all. I've always been reasonably OK at handling emotional family stuff but this is obviously different. Factor in work becoming absolutely mental, caring for my disabled partner and life's various other fuckeries and my head's pretty much in the bin at the moment. I'm exhausted.

I know there's no "answer" here, it just all feels weird. You go through life thinking your parents are basically fucking immortal, then something like this happens to make you realise they may not be around for long at all. 

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I apologise in advance, as this is (yet again) a sobbing self serving rant/story. It's pish I've said before, and folk will, rightly, wonder why I'm still  mewling on about this pish. Folk will also, rightly, wonder why they should give a f**k. You shouldn't. I suck. I've fucked myself and my shots.

 

Anyway, I'm nothing. I have nothing. I've done nothing. I've struggled big time with mental health issues for close to 20 years. Since I left school on 2002, I've failed. Blah blah blah. Boring, stupid shit, and I am so ashamed that I lost so often. I am so ashamed I lost the fight so often. I'm ashamed that I never got a degree. I'm ashamed that I've been single since 2012. I'm ashamed that I've cut myself so much over the years, and that I have to hide the scars. I'm ashamed at my eating disorder and the weight I've gained. I'm ashamed I haven't been able to lose the weight. I despise myself. I hate myself. I hide myself. I've wanted to die so often.

I've seen friends do well. I've lost so many friends because I've hid at home due to my shame. Friends used to invite me out for drinks and I made excuses because I was too ashamed of how fat I was. I lost almost all of those friends. They stopped asking me as they thought I didn't care/was a p***k. I made new friends. I've lost most of them too for the same reasons. The few I have, who I absolutely love as they are tremendous people, I fear I'll lose as well.

I fear I'm a burden on my few remaining friends. I don't want to be. I hope I am not. I don't want to lose them.

I'm a fat c**t. This means I am hated by most people. I can't blame them, but I don't like it. I have had comments, abuse, and things thrown at me because I'm a fat piece of shit. I have eating disorders that I have struggled with for many years. Only now am I seeing a way out,  but I feel this is too late. I'll be 37 at the end of the year. Even if I lose weight, I'll still be massive then. I've left things too late. I sometimes want to die.

Covid saved my life. I was burnt out and exhausted by work going in 2020. I was planning my death. Then we were sent away to work from home. Suddenly I was able to breathe. I slept better. I felt so much better. I was doing well.

I got complacent. I fucked it. I should have used the lockdown and working from home to shed weight. Instead I gained weight. I have thankfully also wrestled with numerous mental issues (as above) to my advantage, but I am so fat. I despise myself. Working from home has been great for me, but the thought of going back to the office has really fucked me. I have been in bits with anxiety. The thought of anyone seeing me, given how massively disgustingly fat I am, repulses me. The thought of going back to the office in general has me close to suicidal. I feel so trapped. I despise sitting down all day. If I have to work, which I do, I'd rather be doing things all day.

I also feel I've fucked life in general. I've been single for so long that I am a horrendous bag of shit. I've seen the look I get. I don't blame anyone except me. I've lost the mental battles, and frankly I wish I was killed when I lost them. I wanted kids, but I've missed that window. It will be at least the end of the year before I'm close to in shape and therefore at least close to not being a hideous c**t.

Eating disorders are expensive too. I am poor due to them now and will never have a house due to my credit rating, meaning I will never be able to afford to live in a flat when I am of retirement age, should I make that far. I am almost free of debt now so can maybe try to save, but at times it feels pointless.

I have missed out on life. I have destroyed myself and fucked it so badly. I have tried counselling 4 times. It had a limited effect. I was on medication for 6 months once. It had a limited effect.

I have missed out on my friends' lives too. I wish I could have been there for many things, but usually I was either too skint or too wracked with anxiety. So fucking self absorbed. I deserve to be alone and can only hope I might ever be forgiven.

One of my best friends called the police on me last year as he was so concerned about something I'd posted online. I felt so horribly embarrassed. I was very close to being sectioned that night. I hate that I caused my friend, one of the very best, to be concerned about me, and I hate that he had to take action over me. I'm so sorry that happened.

I apologise for this nonsense. I am drunk. I have struggled with that for a while. I have only had a sober week twice in a year. I wish I could get drunk every day without a hangover and without the cost and calories. Sadly neither is possible, so I usually stick to getting pished at the weekend. I don't drink during week days unless I'm off work.

 

 

 

Edited by Out of office
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5 hours ago, Out of office said:

I apologise in advance, as this is (yet again) a sobbing self serving rant/story. It's pish I've said before, and folk will, rightly, wonder why I'm still  mewling on about this pish. Folk will also, rightly, wonder why they should give a f**k. You shouldn't. I suck. I've fucked myself and my shots.

 

Anyway, I'm nothing. I have nothing. I've done nothing. I've struggled big time with mental health issues for close to 20 years. Since I left school on 2002, I've failed. Blah blah blah. Boring, stupid shit, and I am so ashamed that I lost so often. I am so ashamed I lost the fight so often. I'm ashamed that I never got a degree. I'm ashamed that I've been single since 2012. I'm ashamed that I've cut myself so much over the years, and that I have to hide the scars. I'm ashamed at my eating disorder and the weight I've gained. I'm ashamed I haven't been able to lose the weight. I despise myself. I hate myself. I hide myself. I've wanted to die so often.

I've seen friends do well. I've lost so many friends because I've hid at home due to my shame. Friends used to invite me out for drinks and I made excuses because I was too ashamed of how fat I was. I lost almost all of those friends. They stopped asking me as they thought I didn't care/was a p***k. I made new friends. I've lost most of them too for the same reasons. The few I have, who I absolutely love as they are tremendous people, I fear I'll lose as well.

I fear I'm a burden on my few remaining friends. I don't want to be. I hope I am not. I don't want to lose them.

I'm a fat c**t. This means I am hated by most people. I can't blame them, but I don't like it. I have had comments, abuse, and things thrown at me because I'm a fat piece of shit. I have eating disorders that I have struggled with for many years. Only now am I seeing a way out,  but I feel this is too late. I'll be 37 at the end of the year. Even if I lose weight, I'll still be massive then. I've left things too late. I sometimes want to die.

Covid saved my life. I was burnt out and exhausted by work going in 2020. I was planning my death. Then we were sent away to work from home. Suddenly I was able to breathe. I slept better. I felt so much better. I was doing well.

I got complacent. I fucked it. I should have used the lockdown and working from home to shed weight. Instead I gained weight. I have thankfully also wrestled with numerous mental issues (as above) to my advantage, but I am so fat. I despise myself. Working from home has been great for me, but the thought of going back to the office has really fucked me. I have been in bits with anxiety. The thought of anyone seeing me, given how massively disgustingly fat I am, repulses me. The thought of going back to the office in general has me close to suicidal. I feel so trapped. I despise sitting down all day. If I have to work, which I do, I'd rather be doing things all day.

I also feel I've fucked life in general. I've been single for so long that I am a horrendous bag of shit. I've seen the look I get. I don't blame anyone except me. I've lost the mental battles, and frankly I wish I was killed when I lost them. I wanted kids, but I've missed that window. It will be at least the end of the year before I'm close to in shape and therefore at least close to not being a hideous c**t.

Eating disorders are expensive too. I am poor due to them now and will never have a house due to my credit rating, meaning I will never be able to afford to live in a flat when I am of retirement age, should I make that far. I am almost free of debt now so can maybe try to save, but at times it feels pointless.

I have missed out on life. I have destroyed myself and fucked it so badly. I have tried counselling 4 times. It had a limited effect. I was on medication for 6 months once. It had a limited effect.

I have missed out on my friends' lives too. I wish I could have been there for many things, but usually I was either too skint or too wracked with anxiety. So fucking self absorbed. I deserve to be alone and can only hope I might ever be forgiven.

One of my best friends called the police on me last year as he was so concerned about something I'd posted online. I felt so horribly embarrassed. I was very close to being sectioned that night. I hate that I caused my friend, one of the very best, to be concerned about me, and I hate that he had to take action over me. I'm so sorry that happened.

I apologise for this nonsense. I am drunk. I have struggled with that for a while. I have only had a sober week twice in a year. I wish I could get drunk every day without a hangover and without the cost and calories. Sadly neither is possible, so I usually stick to getting pished at the weekend. I don't drink during week days unless I'm off work.

 

 

 

That was a tough read, but I'm absolutely glad you've posted it. Get it off your chest.

You are far too harsh on yourself, you're still young, there are plenty of positive opportunities ahead of you. Please, go to your GP and try to get the help you need. Feel free to drop me a PM if you need a chat. I can't speak from your experience, but happy to help if anyone needs to vent to someone they don't know.

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6 hours ago, Out of office said:

 

 

Please go to your GP and either say 'please help me'  or show them your post. They will introduce you to some wonderful people.  It may take a wee bit of time, but knowing someone will be there for you, may help you when waiting. 

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6 hours ago, Out of office said:

I don't drink during week days unless I'm off work

So you have the proven that you have the self control to limit your drinking.  That alone is a positive and something to be proud of.

Life is difficult at the best of times and you're not the only one struggling.  You've put your feeling down for others to read - many other sufferers keep it inside.....but their struggles are there, just not visible.

Set yourself a goal for today, tomorrow, the rest of the week.  Walk 1 mile.  Set off late at night if you're uncomfortable with people about.  Pick up the pace as the days progress.  Increase the length of the walk to something that you can make, but feel exhausted after completing it.  Keep a record of the steps etc. and look at it regular to see the progress.  Small steps as they day.  The benefits will soon show.  Weight loss, fitter, improved sleep patterns.  From being ashamed of yourself - you'll start to be proud. 

If you're a TV watcher - run through some simple exercises every time the adverts come on....keep a note of the numbers and watch them increase each day.

The body is a phenomenal thing and will adapt very quickly to the demands.  Push yourself and watch the changes......

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Bleuch. Sorry for that pitiful screed.

Will finally be laying off the beers for a while now. Unsure how I managed to plummet like I did last night, but that has happened before.

Not sure what my GP can do but might try them again. 

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Bleuch. Sorry for that pitiful screed.
Will finally be laying off the beers for a while now. Unsure how I managed to plummet like I did last night, but that has happened before.
Not sure what my GP can do but might try them again. 
Heartbreaking to read that mate, no idea what advice I can give you but please know that you mean something to somebody.
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4 hours ago, Out of office said:

Bleuch. Sorry for that pitiful screed.

Will finally be laying off the beers for a while now. Unsure how I managed to plummet like I did last night, but that has happened before.

Not sure what my GP can do but might try them again. 

Absolutely no need to apologise, btw. That's what this thread is for.

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Saddened to read that also. Obviously have to put this into context here that I am messageboard stranger, so I am aware of the limitations of my words. However, its plainly obvious on here that you are a decent guy. Good humour, likes football, calls out all the right things.

I feel like you are maybe trying to address too many of this big, f**k off issues all at once. Maybe it would help to break it all down into more manageable things and tackle bit by bit. Lumping losing weight, which is a very practical endeavour (not saying easy btw) in with things like debt management or home ownership or finding a partner cant be helping. Id reckon pick one to look after whoch naturally helps with the next then the next might help?

Again, I know this is weak sauce really. Just seems like setting up some really quite major life events altogether as a big wall in front of you might be insurnountable.

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Sorry to 'hog' this thread. Don't worry, I won't be posting on here again for a long time after this (hopefully never).

 

I dislike when I get in the state I got in to the other night. It doesn't happen often thankfully, but I don't like it. I spew out a lot of hateful nonsense towards myself and come across as horribly self pitying, all of which just makes me dislike myself even more and add to my guilt and issues.

 

I appreciate the advice and kind words. Thank you. I know how to lose weight, but the issue is my mental block over it. It's hard to explain, but it's like I have a set 'routine' at times of what I eat and how I eat, like an addiction. I often eat healthy meals, and enjoy them, but then for some reason my brain makes me feel bad about having them again, urging me to have shite instead, to the point where it feels like a physical weight on the top of my head, and where I feel anxious and antsy, and fidgedty. It's like some sort of horrible 'itch' that isn't quite physical and isn't quite mental. It's horrible and so hard to shake. I am exhausted. I know I am dying but still struggle on. I've struggle for years and years.

 

I just wish I could have some sort of emotional 'release'. I feel like I'm blocked up at times, like I have some sort of dam that I need to break. I often shed a wee tear at some sad shit, or often at stupid random stuff (sometimes I feel emotional for no reason and the daftest of things will cause a wee tear), but none of that really helps overall. It sort of 'delays' things. I want to be able to smash this emotional dam that I feel and grieve over my lost past. I want to be able to break down over it, to really acknowledge it, let it hit me, and for me to 'cleanse' myself of it. But it won't happen. It feels at times like there is a physical weight in my chest and head/face, but I just can't break it down. I've been trying for years. 

 

I also just feel so alone. I know that's my fault (see my previous post), but it just hurts sometimes. It's not because I live alone. I quite like that most of the time. It's more that I'm truly isolated. I can't just go out for a couple of beers with someone if I wanted to. I don't have any friends here. The few friends I have live elsewhere, and I can't expect them to come up here just for me. I don't blame any of them at all; they all have lives and issues of their own and shouldn't ever feel they need to try and 'take care' of someone who is supposed to be an adult. I just wish I had some friends here. Even a friend. Unless I'm drunk, I'm far too ashamed to try and mingle with anyone new. I'm just so fat and repulsive that I constantly feel it, and constantly know that I'm being judged and assessed as a worthless fat p***k. No one wants to be friends with the fat c**t. So many issues revolve around me being a stupid fat f**k. I just need to sort it, but as noted, I have to fight myself, and it's so hard. It has made me often consider death. 

And there's also the issue of being single, which I touched upon last time. I won't bore you all again with the same shit. I just feel so sad too often. I am exhausted.

 

I need time to myself to try and heal, but I'm back at work on Monday (been off for 2 weeks on 'holiday'). I know I'll go back exhausted and anxious. I need at least a month off, almost certainly more, just to unwind and try and relax and try to address issues. But I can't have that, or I'll lose my job. I haven't had an actual 'holiday' (i.e. go someone not home for more than a couple of days) for over 20 years. I would love to just f**k off up north to an isolated caravan or some shit for a couple of weeks but can't afford that and don't have enough holiday days at work. I'm just so tired and just want some breathing space.

 

I've been drowning too long to believe that the tide's going to turn (great film by the way).

 

 

 

Edited by Out of office
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Mate, it’s hard reading these posts, mainly because your one of the funniest people on this forum.

I’ll be honest I’ve had a few myself tonight. I’m down a YouTube music wormhole but I really want to try and help.

I’ve put this link here, up to you if you use it.

https://www.facebook.com/Andys-Man-Club-Dundee-774840942708871/

I’ve been using the Perth one for over 2 years. The problems you’ve said are similar to my problems. Yes I’ve not resolved my weight or job issues yet but my mental health is level. I feel like me again.

I know it’s daunting. But we all know how much of a laugh you are here. Never apologise for what you say on here. This thread is a safe space.

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Sorry to 'hog' this thread. Don't worry, I won't be posting on here again for a long time after this (hopefully never).
 
I dislike when I get in the state I got in to the other night. It doesn't happen often thankfully, but I don't like it. I spew out a lot of hateful nonsense towards myself and come across as horribly self pitying, all of which just makes me dislike myself even more and add to my guilt and issues.
 
I appreciate the advice and kind words. Thank you. I know how to lose weight, but the issue is my mental block over it. It's hard to explain, but it's like I have a set 'routine' at times of what I eat and how I eat, like an addiction. I often eat healthy meals, and enjoy them, but then for some reason my brain makes me feel bad about having them again, urging me to have shite instead, to the point where it feels like a physical weight on the top of my head, and where I feel anxious and antsy, and fidgedty. It's like some sort of horrible 'itch' that isn't quite physical and isn't quite mental. It's horrible and so hard to shake. I am exhausted. I know I am dying but still struggle on. I've struggle for years and years.
 
I just wish I could have some sort of emotional 'release'. I feel like I'm blocked up at times, like I have some sort of dam that I need to break. I often shed a wee tear at some sad shit, or often at stupid random stuff (sometimes I feel emotional for no reason and the daftest of things will cause a wee tear), but none of that really helps overall. It sort of 'delays' things. I want to be able to smash this emotional dam that I feel and grieve over my lost past. I want to be able to break down over it, to really acknowledge it, let it hit me, and for me to 'cleanse' myself of it. But it won't happen. It feels at times like there is a physical weight in my chest and head/face, but I just can't break it down. I've been trying for years. 
 
I also just feel so alone. I know that's my fault (see my previous post), but it just hurts sometimes. It's not because I live alone. I quite like that most of the time. It's more that I'm truly isolated. I can't just go out for a couple of beers with someone if I wanted to. I don't have any friends here. The few friends I have live elsewhere, and I can't expect them to come up here just for me. I don't blame any of them at all; they all have lives and issues of their own and shouldn't ever feel they need to try and 'take care' of someone who is supposed to be an adult. I just wish I had some friends here. Even a friend. Unless I'm drunk, I'm far too ashamed to try and mingle with anyone new. I'm just so fat and repulsive that I constantly feel it, and constantly know that I'm being judged and assessed as a worthless fat p***k. No one wants to be friends with the fat c**t. So many issues revolve around me being a stupid fat f**k. I just need to sort it, but as noted, I have to fight myself, and it's so hard. It has made me often consider death. 
And there's also the issue of being single, which I touched upon last time. I won't bore you all again with the same shit. I just feel so sad too often. I am exhausted.
 
I need time to myself to try and heal, but I'm back at work on Monday (been off for 2 weeks on 'holiday'). I know I'll go back exhausted and anxious. I need at least a month off, almost certainly more, just to unwind and try and relax and try to address issues. But I can't have that, or I'll lose my job. I haven't had an actual 'holiday' (i.e. go someone not home for more than a couple of days) for over 20 years. I would love to just f**k off up north to an isolated caravan or some shit for a couple of weeks but can't afford that and don't have enough holiday days at work. I'm just so tired and just want some breathing space.
 
I've been drowning too long to believe that the tide's going to turn (great film by the way).
 
 
 


I am absolutely not an expert but if you keep focussing on your past then you will never move forward. What has happened has happened and if you keep dwelling on it then you will just keep beating yourself up. I would suggest the first step would be to go see your doctor and get signed off for a month to allow you that time that you feel you need. You might not be able to get away but at least you can focus on yourself, rather than work. You can then begin to look forward and try make a plan with small steps on how to get to where you want to be.
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7 hours ago, Out of office said:

Sorry to 'hog' this thread. Don't worry, I won't be posting on here again for a long time after this (hopefully never).

 

I dislike when I get in the state I got in to the other night. It doesn't happen often thankfully, but I don't like it. I spew out a lot of hateful nonsense towards myself and come across as horribly self pitying, all of which just makes me dislike myself even more and add to my guilt and issues.

 

I appreciate the advice and kind words. Thank you. I know how to lose weight, but the issue is my mental block over it. It's hard to explain, but it's like I have a set 'routine' at times of what I eat and how I eat, like an addiction. I often eat healthy meals, and enjoy them, but then for some reason my brain makes me feel bad about having them again, urging me to have shite instead, to the point where it feels like a physical weight on the top of my head, and where I feel anxious and antsy, and fidgedty. It's like some sort of horrible 'itch' that isn't quite physical and isn't quite mental. It's horrible and so hard to shake. I am exhausted. I know I am dying but still struggle on. I've struggle for years and years.

 

I just wish I could have some sort of emotional 'release'. I feel like I'm blocked up at times, like I have some sort of dam that I need to break. I often shed a wee tear at some sad shit, or often at stupid random stuff (sometimes I feel emotional for no reason and the daftest of things will cause a wee tear), but none of that really helps overall. It sort of 'delays' things. I want to be able to smash this emotional dam that I feel and grieve over my lost past. I want to be able to break down over it, to really acknowledge it, let it hit me, and for me to 'cleanse' myself of it. But it won't happen. It feels at times like there is a physical weight in my chest and head/face, but I just can't break it down. I've been trying for years. 

 

I also just feel so alone. I know that's my fault (see my previous post), but it just hurts sometimes. It's not because I live alone. I quite like that most of the time. It's more that I'm truly isolated. I can't just go out for a couple of beers with someone if I wanted to. I don't have any friends here. The few friends I have live elsewhere, and I can't expect them to come up here just for me. I don't blame any of them at all; they all have lives and issues of their own and shouldn't ever feel they need to try and 'take care' of someone who is supposed to be an adult. I just wish I had some friends here. Even a friend. Unless I'm drunk, I'm far too ashamed to try and mingle with anyone new. I'm just so fat and repulsive that I constantly feel it, and constantly know that I'm being judged and assessed as a worthless fat p***k. No one wants to be friends with the fat c**t. So many issues revolve around me being a stupid fat f**k. I just need to sort it, but as noted, I have to fight myself, and it's so hard. It has made me often consider death. 

And there's also the issue of being single, which I touched upon last time. I won't bore you all again with the same shit. I just feel so sad too often. I am exhausted.

 

I need time to myself to try and heal, but I'm back at work on Monday (been off for 2 weeks on 'holiday'). I know I'll go back exhausted and anxious. I need at least a month off, almost certainly more, just to unwind and try and relax and try to address issues. But I can't have that, or I'll lose my job. I haven't had an actual 'holiday' (i.e. go someone not home for more than a couple of days) for over 20 years. I would love to just f**k off up north to an isolated caravan or some shit for a couple of weeks but can't afford that and don't have enough holiday days at work. I'm just so tired and just want some breathing space.

 

I've been drowning too long to believe that the tide's going to turn (great film by the way).

 

 

 

Mate, I seriously wish I could be of some help here but I don't have the words unfortunately. Just know that you have no need all to apologise for posting on this thread, we are all here to help each other so vent as often as you feel the need to & if you are really struggling there will always be someone about to share the pain with.

It is an overused phrase but just try to take it one day at a time & as our vertically challenged friend said, try to break it down to one problem at a time or it will overwhelm you.

Goodluck m90 & always,always get on here & share how you are feeling when the dog is biting at your ankles.

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7 hours ago, Out of office said:

Sorry to 'hog' this thread. Don't worry, I won't be posting on here again for a long time after this (hopefully never).

 

As some have said before, break it down and kick each motherfucker into touch at a time, and with each little positive, focus on that, don't look back at the negatives look back at the positive steps you are taking.

I only quoted the above, as I should tell through experience, please post back with those positives steps, we are here to encourage together, be positive together, and when we fall back s we all do, post again, we again are here to speak and walk that path.  As you said your lonely, f**k I live in a village in the middle of nowhere, that nobody speaks my native tongue apart from my wife and 3 kids.  I'm isolated, I feel your pain, however, I did post on this thread and it did help, sure I don't post much on here much, but I do read and will comment when needed. 

So keep posting, keep talking bro.  

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Had 4 job offers so far, hoping for another couple then I’ll have to make a decision.

Seems to be working out, the Lexapro is helping with mood and the Naltrexone certainly seems to be helping reduce cravings (virtually none so far and tomorrow will be my 2 month anniversary)

Still doing 3 hour outpatient treatment 3 nights a week, going to AA and reiki. (Someone asked about that, pm me and I’ll let you know what it’s like)

Previous school is getting sued and they keep shooting themselves in the foot about it: I’m now banned from attending the Refuge Recovery group that meets in the school on Thursday evenings, no connection to the school other than use of the building, so now they’re interfering in my recovery! And they ordered all staff to “unfriend” and block me on Facebook and messenger [emoji1787]

Looks like I may have dodged a bullet.

Best wishes to all, keep chavvin’ on [emoji1303][emoji1303]

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