Depression

[Dons_1988]

Autocorrect can f**k off.

[Melanius Mullarkey]

8 minutes ago, Dons_1988 said:

Autocorrect can duck off.

FTFY 

[Jacksgranda]

On 26/11/2019 at 18:59, Dele said:

Got 2 tickets to a gig in Glasgow on Friday night. If any of you guys are at a loose end and are in Glasgow (or are willng to travel there) give me a shout and I'll send them to you. Not looking for anything for them just rather they never went to waste. 

I'll offer them to the rest of the forum tomorrow if I've no takers. 

 

14 hours ago, Margaret Thatcher said:

Surely it depends who's playing

 

12 hours ago, Dele said:

Aye sorry, i left out that quite important information from my post in here. 

As dosser says, it's Shed Seven supported by the Twang. 

Still available. 

[D.A.F.C]

After another meltdown on here after something happened I wanted some advice.

Basically due to events in teenage years I gave up or split from a bunch of toxic friends, who weren’t really ever friends tbh, I also lost a close decent friend out of the blue and stopped socialising for a few years and just hid away but still working.

I don’t know if this was a depressive episode but it lasted until I was about 30 when I started working a day shift job and started hillwalking and fives. I then reconnected with someone who knew the group of friends and I started wondering about them. So I foolishly opened up and sent a message to a couple of them on Facebook. I got zero acknowledgement or a reply. I then met up some by playing fives, one tried to make out I attacked them due to a collision, also had a couple of nights out and it felt strained and awkward. They acted as if the ten years gap never happened. Weird. They were now either functioning alcoholics, super unhealthy and didn’t have any real hobbies or interests outside drink/drugs. Tbh I saw them for what they were, a bad crowd and not the cool kids I thought they were at school. I’m reasonably quiet and had a decent upbringing, I think this is what started all their shit at school. Maybe jealousy?

That was around five years ago and I haven’t really had that many nights out since or met many people except fives. I feel isolated as I moved outside the town and when you add the work situation I’ve started to think that somehow it’s me. The thing is I was always known as a nice and decent person, a bit quiet but never an arsehole or bighead. Once people give me a chance and talk then I can make friends.

Like Da Baracus I’m starting to hate feeling alone and disguise it by working out nearly every day. Sitting around isn’t for me, also it helps with the dark moods. I’ve thought about joining a gym and nearly did, it seemed like a good one as well where there’s group activities but it’s like there’s some handbrake in my head that says. ‘Nah you’re a dick they won’t like you, what if someone from work or one of those friends were there, they will all be super fit and laugh at you’ aye ok then won’t bother.

The thing is sometimes I really surprise myself, when I analyse anything I’ve done I’ve never given up and usually coped at worst or sometimes came out as one of the best. I think that’s why the work thing is fucking me up so bad. It’s like a denial of reality. Great reviews and appraisals, genuinely told I’ve held a whole department together by myself then abused and insulted by the same person and talked about as if my efforts and achievements didn’t happen. I’ve researched narcissism and toxic workplaces and have spoken to others on forums to confirm, everything and all our experiences are identical but somehow I can’t shake it and rise above it to see that it’s not personal. I’m trying to prove myself, get denied then get angry and talk crap on here or elsewhere if it gets too bad.

Lastly, going back to meeting someone. Dating is a non event due to self esteem. I downloaded a couple of apps but felt so insecure I couldn’t even upload a picture. Also it would just have to be selfies, I have like zero social ones. It would come across as weird surely?

I don’t expect all the answers or a solution but I do know that I have to change, to stop being angry, to properly confront and sort out work issues and maybe try some new clubs or events but it just seems like a closed loop of hopelessness. Focusing on fitness is saving me though and I’ve become fanatical about it, I’ve never been so driven about anything before. I can relate and identify to what David Goggins says, that it needs to come from within, nobody will really help you apart from you. Also using the hurt and pain as motivation. It’s actually starting to work.

Sorry for the long rant, I know that others on here are going through really bad life events but mine is just being stuck in a loop. Hopefully this explains why I’m so angry on here sometimes. 

Edited December 1, 2019 by D.A.F.C

[pandarilla]

Friendships and close relationships will come in its own time - and is quite difficult to force. I'd suggest trying not to worry about that as it's not really in your control.

But finding comfort in yourself as an individual sounds like it can be achieved chief. I always find people who think quite deeply about how they come across are more self-aware and generally good guys. You certainly don't sound like an arsehole.

What is your job, if you don't mind me asking? And is getting a new one something that seems do-able?

[NJ2]

After another meltdown on here after something happened I wanted some advice.
Basically due to events in teenage years I gave up or split from a bunch of toxic friends, who weren’t really ever friends tbh, I also lost a close decent friend out of the blue and stopped socialising for a few years and just hid away but still working.
I don’t know if this was a depressive episode but it lasted until I was about 30 when I started working a day shift job and started hillwalking and fives. I then reconnected with someone who knew the group of friends and I started wondering about them. So I foolishly opened up and sent a message to a couple of them on Facebook. I got zero acknowledgement or a reply. I then met up some by playing fives, one tried to make out I attacked them due to a collision, also had a couple of nights out and it felt strained and awkward. They acted as if the ten years gap never happened. Weird. They were now either functioning alcoholics, super unhealthy and didn’t have any real hobbies or interests outside drink/drugs. Tbh I saw them for what they were, a bad crowd and not the cool kids I thought they were at school. I’m reasonably quiet and had a decent upbringing, I think this is what started all their shit at school. Maybe jealousy?
That was around five years ago and I haven’t really had that many nights out since or met many people except fives. I feel isolated as I moved outside the town and when you add the work situation I’ve started to think that somehow it’s me. The thing is I was always known as a nice and decent person, a bit quiet but never an arsehole or bighead. Once people give me a chance and talk then I can make friends.
Like Da Baracus I’m starting to hate feeling alone and disguise it by working out nearly every day. Sitting around isn’t for me, also it helps with the dark moods. I’ve thought about joining a gym and nearly did, it seemed like a good one as well where there’s group activities but it’s like there’s some handbrake in my head that says. ‘Nah you’re a dick they won’t like you, what if someone from work or one of those friends were there, they will all be super fit and laugh at you’ aye ok then won’t bother.
The thing is sometimes I really surprise myself, when I analyse anything I’ve done I’ve never given up and usually coped at worst or sometimes came out as one of the best. I think that’s why the work thing is fucking me up so bad. It’s like a denial of reality. Great reviews and appraisals, genuinely told I’ve held a whole department together by myself then abused and insulted by the same person and talked about as if my efforts and achievements didn’t happen. I’ve researched narcissism and toxic workplaces and have spoken to others on forums to confirm, everything and all our experiences are identical but somehow I can’t shake it and rise above it to see that it’s not personal. I’m trying to prove myself, get denied then get angry and talk crap on here or elsewhere if it gets too bad.
Lastly, going back to meeting someone. Dating is a non event due to self esteem. I downloaded a couple of apps but felt so insecure I couldn’t even upload a picture. Also it would just have to be selfies, I have like zero social ones. It would come across as weird surely?
I don’t expect all the answers or a solution but I do know that I have to change, to stop being angry, to properly confront and sort out work issues and maybe try some new clubs or events but it just seems like a closed loop of hopelessness. Focusing on fitness is saving me though and I’ve become fanatical about it, I’ve never been so driven about anything before. I can relate and identify to what David Goggins says, that it needs to come from within, nobody will really help you apart from you. Also using the hurt and pain as motivation. It’s actually starting to work.
Sorry for the long rant, I know that others on here are going through really bad life events but mine is just being stuck in a loop. Hopefully this explains why I’m so angry on here sometimes. 

Kudos for opening up, it’s never easy, and hopefully you feel a bit better for getting it all written down / out.
I’d say go for it in regards to joining a gym. Nobody there (I would think) is going to judge you any more so than you judge yourself - definitely my experience of gyms.
I don’t think there’d be anything wrong with having a dating profile of only selfies, although I can’t say they’re something that were massively for me.
Could potentially see if the folk you play fives with want to get a Christmas night out or something? I would assume if you’re playing with the same folk all the time, they don’t think you’re a dick or they’d have tried to ease you out of playing.

[D.A.F.C]

Friendships and close relationships will come in its own time - and is quite difficult to force. I'd suggest trying not to worry about that as it's not really in your control.

But finding comfort in yourself as an individual sounds like it can be achieved chief. I always find people who think quite deeply about how they come across are more self-aware and generally good guys. You certainly don't sound like an arsehole.

What is your job, if you don't mind me asking? And is getting a new one something that seems do-able?

My job isnt really that niche or difficult to find another. Just close by and well paid.
Really I know that I need to just fix my mindset. Deep down everyone has massive insecurities and I've been putting people on a pedestal when they're probably more messed up than me but hide it by being loud or abusing others. I'm hanging on to see if a change in management is going to help at work that's only going to take a few months. If not I've decided I'm not going to put up with it and move on.
It's a shame really as it's really just a handful of people that's fucking it up for the rest.

[Dons_1988]

6 minutes ago, D.A.F.C said:

My job isnt really that niche or difficult to find another. Just close by and well paid.
Really I know that I need to just fix my mindset. Deep down everyone has massive insecurities and I've been putting people on a pedestal when they're probably more messed up than me but hide it by being loud or abusing others. I'm hanging on to see if a change in management is going to help at work that's only going to take a few months. If not I've decided I'm not going to put up with it and move on.
It's a shame really as it's really just a handful of people that's fucking it up for the rest.

To be honest from reading both your posts I think you're someone on the cusp of sorting all this out.

You seem very self aware and taking actions to improve things, even if you haven't been able to target it quite in the right place yet. I see myself in you, I used to (still sometimes do) found myself despairing at the actions of others at work or in life in general even though I didn't feel I'd done anything to them. There needs to be an acceptance that you can only really do you, you can't control others. And as you say, they're probably just as messed up!

Don't be drawn towards 'friends' you know are arseholes just because you've felt loneliness etc. I've made that mistake, I hated myself so I forced myself to go to football etc with people who were a negative influence. I was a figure of ridicule when I was a fat f**k, not that I mind having the piss taken out of me, but no one ever realised that I got fat because I'd given up on myself and just stopped looking after myself, they just wanted their laughs.

Get comfortable spending time alone, build your self confidence and self motivation then start meeting people. Then you'll be confident enough to know who is worth your time and who isn't. That sounds a bit isolationist but I left all the whatsapp groups I was in, stopped going to big group events and immediately noticed the absence of the constant negativity. And you know what? The mates who gave a shit about me I ended up seeing and speaking to regularly anyway, whilst the dickheads disappeared.

Sorry that possibly wasn't very coherent but happy to talk in more detail if you like. Also have you read Goggins book/listened to audiobook, well worth partaking in if you've only done youtube videos etc up to now.

[carpetmonster]

I'd agree with Dons_1988, it seems like you know what's eating you, and pretty much how to fix it but just can't get the bridging point. 

 

I don’t expect all the answers or a solution but I do know that I have to change, to stop being angry, to properly confront and sort out work issues and maybe try some new clubs or events but it just seems like a closed loop of hopelessness. 

This, and the bit about joining the new gym, seem like you're putting too much pressure on yourself, running a million scenarios thru your head and trying to plan ahead for them happening which is leading to anxiety and paralysis. You've mentioned hillwalking - I remember when I was a kid and my old man would take me into Tiso's in Glasgow, they used to have a noticeboard up for group hikes and the like. If those are still things - might not be in this day and age when everything's online - would be worth taking down a couple of numbers/emails. Don't commit to anything too much, but have it there. Alternatively, join something like the Ramblers Association - if you're putting member subs in, it might give you that bit of motivation to go and get a return on the money. Most of the events will be a haul around Arthur's Seat or similar rather than a full blown ice climb up north, so should be fairly casual and pressure-free. I can never beat going cycling to get out of my own head when that needs to happen. 

 

Edited December 2, 2019 by carpetmonster

[D.A.F.C]

To be honest from reading both your posts I think you're someone on the cusp of sorting all this out.
You seem very self aware and taking actions to improve things, even if you haven't been able to target it quite in the right place yet. I see myself in you, I used to (still sometimes do) found myself despairing at the actions of others at work or in life in general even though I didn't feel I'd done anything to them. There needs to be an acceptance that you can only really do you, you can't control others. And as you say, they're probably just as messed up!
Don't be drawn towards 'friends' you know are arseholes just because you've felt loneliness etc. I've made that mistake, I hated myself so I forced myself to go to football etc with people who were a negative influence. I was a figure of ridicule when I was a fat f**k, not that I mind having the piss taken out of me, but no one ever realised that I got fat because I'd given up on myself and just stopped looking after myself, they just wanted their laughs.
Get comfortable spending time alone, build your self confidence and self motivation then start meeting people. Then you'll be confident enough to know who is worth your time and who isn't. That sounds a bit isolationist but I left all the whatsapp groups I was in, stopped going to big group events and immediately noticed the absence of the constant negativity. And you know what? The mates who gave a shit about me I ended up seeing and speaking to regularly anyway, whilst the dickheads disappeared.
Sorry that possibly wasn't very coherent but happy to talk in more detail if you like. Also have you read Goggins book/listened to audiobook, well worth partaking in if you've only done youtube videos etc up to now.

I started reading his book this weekend. Have a lot of time for what he says about life and I would normally think this type of self help stuff is wishy washy. But like he says its not some guy in a suit telling you about lots of complicated stuff it's down to hard work and you. Following a chart of over complicated stuff doesnt work it just adds to anxiety. You have to realise and embrace the bad times to push out of it.
I looked at a meetup thing for hill walking but it was all oaps. Theres more in Edinburgh but it would cost a bit. The fact I'm looking is a step forward tbh.

[Dons_1988]

17 minutes ago, D.A.F.C said:

I started reading his book this weekend. Have a lot of time for what he says about life and I would normally think this type of self help stuff is wishy washy. But like he says its not some guy in a suit telling you about lots of complicated stuff it's down to hard work and you. Following a chart of over complicated stuff doesnt work it just adds to anxiety. You have to realise and embrace the bad times to push out of it.
I looked at a meetup thing for hill walking but it was all oaps. Theres more in Edinburgh but it would cost a bit. The fact I'm looking is a step forward tbh.

Yeah that's right.

Write down the things in your life you want to fix and start setting tangible goals to fix them. You don't have to fix it overnight, just getting started and on the right path will immediately make you feel better.

Goggins talks a lot about patience and being willing to go to the bad place to get through the hard times. So no quick fixes, identify where you want to get to and get to work.

[FalkirkBairn93]

Not a fan of talking publicly but know that I need to overcome the hyper masculinity that comes with mental health.

I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD, depression, and mild paranoia from my years working in the prison service. I struggle with each everyday. The depression and ptsd I’ve found easier to manage, but the constant feeling like someone is watching me or following me is relentless.

Trying to make positive changes in life, finally see the end destination with a teaching post grad next year, my daughter growing more and more every day. Yet why can I not always see the positive when I have so much to be positive about.

[pandarilla]

I started reading his book this weekend. Have a lot of time for what he says about life and I would normally think this type of self help stuff is wishy washy. But like he says its not some guy in a suit telling you about lots of complicated stuff it's down to hard work and you. Following a chart of over complicated stuff doesnt work it just adds to anxiety. You have to realise and embrace the bad times to push out of it.
I looked at a meetup thing for hill walking but it was all oaps. Theres more in Edinburgh but it would cost a bit. The fact I'm looking is a step forward tbh.

Don't dis the oldies - there's a lot of wisdom there. And quite often the old boys have some good banter too (you'd be surprised).

A change of scenery in some way will help, one way or the other - but you sound like you have a solid plan in relation to work, and you definitely seem clued up and what is going wrong.

Good luck chief.

And keep posting on this thread. It's one of the best on the forum.

[NJ2]

Not a fan of talking publicly but know that I need to overcome the hyper masculinity that comes with mental health.

I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD, depression, and mild paranoia from my years working in the prison service. I struggle with each everyday. The depression and ptsd I’ve found easier to manage, but the constant feeling like someone is watching me or following me is relentless.

Trying to make positive changes in life, finally see the end destination with a teaching post grad next year, my daughter growing more and more every day. Yet why can I not always see the positive when I have so much to be positive about.

Good on you for opening up! It isn’t easy to speak about but by f**k it can help.
I’ve never had PTSD thankfully so I can’t pretend I know how you’re feeling but it sounds truly awful. You really do have a lot to be positive about, new career on the horizon, Wee one, but these are also testing and daunting things so never feel guilty about not dancing down the street every day. Try and remember how far you’ve come and that you can keep going.

[FalkirkBairn93]

Good on you for opening up! It isn’t easy to speak about but by f**k it can help.
I’ve never had PTSD thankfully so I can’t pretend I know how you’re feeling but it sounds truly awful. You really do have a lot to be positive about, new career on the horizon, Wee one, but these are also testing and daunting things so never feel guilty about not dancing down the street every day. Try and remember how far you’ve come and that you can keep going.

Appreciated, always find the football is a good release on a saturday, win lose or draw, I find it rather therapeutic to vent life’s frustrations. Particular these last few weeks with increasing work loads at night, plus two three thousand word reports, dissertation chapter, and ethics to contest with.

Made a few changes recently and dropped a few things I felt were making the symptoms worse, definitely feeling better in that respect but still a long road.

Was out getting classroom experience, and was privileged enough to end up speaking to the advanced higher mods classes about the prison system. I was surprised at how therapeutic being able to discuss my experiences of working in that environment was.

[NJ2]

Appreciated, always find the football is a good release on a saturday, win lose or draw, I find it rather therapeutic to vent life’s frustrations. Particular these last few weeks with increasing work loads at night, plus two three thousand word reports, dissertation chapter, and ethics to contest with.

Made a few changes recently and dropped a few things I felt were making the symptoms worse, definitely feeling better in that respect but still a long road.

Was out getting classroom experience, and was privileged enough to end up speaking to the advanced higher mods classes about the prison system. I was surprised at how therapeutic being able to discuss my experiences of working in that environment was.

Sadly the football hasn’t brought much joy my way recently, still it can be a distraction if nothing else! Personally I like the gym for that, first ten minutes I’m still preoccupied, once I’m showered and changed my mind is all over the place again, but the bit in between I’m rarely thinking about anything and it’s nice.
Good on making the changes. You might find yourself slipping back to old ways but that’s not a crime, old habits die hard but aren’t immortal.
Glad the classroom experience went well, sounds really interesting tbf. I’m sure some classes will be less interested but that’s sound, just need to get them through the lesson and look forward to the good ones!

[NJ2]

The how do you cope podcast with Elis James & John Robins has some really good interviews/discussions.

[FalkirkBairn93]

Yeah I agree the gym is outstanding for that. Especially that attempt to push your self more and more. That allows you the chance to totally distract yourself from all that’s going on what sort of stuff do you do at the gym?

[JMDP]

4 hours ago, FalkirkBairn93 said:

Not a fan of talking publicly but know that I need to overcome the hyper masculinity that comes with mental health.

I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD, depression, and mild paranoia from my years working in the prison service. I struggle with each everyday. The depression and ptsd I’ve found easier to manage, but the constant feeling like someone is watching me or following me is relentless.

Trying to make positive changes in life, finally see the end destination with a teaching post grad next year, my daughter growing more and more every day. Yet why can I not always see the positive when I have so much to be positive about.

Good stuff opening up and it is clear you're making positive steps. The experience you bring from the past will be invaluable in your  new career as well. I've been teaching nine years, drop me a PM if you ever want to discuss anything. That goes for anyone else on here, the bravery in opening up here is an inspiration. 

What a thread. Some absolutely top people on here. 

[8MileBU]

@BackOnside provide a fantastic service for anyone looking for a sports based support service.