Depression

[johnnydun]

20 hours ago, DA Baracus said:

First came across this song a few months back (boring story but came from a different song from the same musical that was played at my older brother's wedding, and from there I gave the film version a shot; it's decent), and was in tears.

I know it's about AIDS sufferers and I am not comparing myself to them or claiming that depression is anywhere near the level of awful as AIDS is, but I couldn't help feeling that the song was quite apt for depression 

I have lost my dignity. Almost no one cares, and often no one cares. Many, many times I have hoped not to wake from this nightmare. I still don't know if or when I will.

I have lost circa 16 years of my life. I have self harmed, have been very close to suicide and have developed addictions that I'm still battling. I got in to huge debt. I have had 94 pay day loans, have had a credit card that I only just paid off today, had 3 overdrafts at one point and had another credit card that is now part of a debt arrangement scheme which I pay a sum to every month and have been for 5 years and will do for 4 more. I also have significant student debt, with zero to show for it. I have zero savings and zero pension.

For much of this year I have been having sad and desperate thoughts that I've ran out of time. I'm 34 and will be 35 in December. I want to have kids but feel that it's almost too late. As a result of my issues I'm grossly overweight, and so am exceedingly unattractive, and have been single for close to 9 years. I have nothing in my life and have lost so many friends. My parents are an odd issue as I haven't spoken to them since April. They go ages without speaking to me and claim it's their fault and apologise and say they'll sort it but never do. 

I have zero qualifications and I'm stuck in such a boringly shit job. 

Song:

 

I can't even apply for jobs until I lose weight. I know that so many employers see a fat c**t like me and instantly decide against me. Women don't even see me, or if they do it's as a horrible joke. I don't blame anyone. I've horribly let myself down and have wasted my life.

Back to the thoughts of running out of time; I often feel that it will take about a year to lose the weight and then I'll be too old to have kids, as first I'll need to somehow get a girlfriend, which will take at least a year at least, if at all, then it'll be at least a couple of years then it'll be too late to have kids.

I have zero purpose. I don't mean anything and I'm not important to anyone. It's one of the reasons why I stopped posting on here and will not be on here for a long time, if ever again.

And yet I do persevere and do try to go on. I have hopes. Often, in fact almost always, I give in to addiction, but I try and I hope. I nearly killed myself at 30 due to a promise that if I hadn't sorted myself by then I'd end it, but at the last moment didn't.

I try to stay positive. I hope and struggle and even plan, even though I often have to fight myself about that. One of my all time favourite tunes is literally Stay Positive:

 

That is such a sad story DA.

You are only 35 mate and are not even halfway through your life expectancy. You can turn this bud. 11,000+ greenies tells me you are a good, witty c**t with a lot to offer. 

You are working your way out of debt and congrats on paying off your credit card. Does the debt arrangement scheme not take into account all of your debts?

Pick yourself up dust yourself down and don't let this condition control your life, take it back.

You are not running out of time mate.

[Guest Moomintroll]

That is such a sad story DA.
You are only 35 mate and are not even halfway through your life expectancy. You can turn this bud. 11,000+ greenies tells me you are a good, witty c**t with a lot to offer. 
You are working your way out of debt and congrats on paying off your credit card. Does the debt arrangement scheme not take into account all of your debts?
Pick yourself up dust yourself down and don't let this condition control your life, take it back.
You are not running out of time mate.

Honestly @DA Baracus, what@johnnydun says is true, you have had a lot of shit to deal with but you are dealing with it subconsciously. We can be savage fuckers on here, yet you are one of the best posters in spite of your poor choice of team although, even amongst your team's support, could be worse, could be that odd fecker with the dug. Bottom line is that we all have our foibles, Div doesn't want to lose a customer so stick a smile on your face & , ffs, if you feel that things are getting too much then PM one of the rest of us. Don't suffer alone m876.

[Kejan]

Likewise.

DA, your posts are great and always an interesting views. 

Too late, not at all! My girlfriend's co-worker (scientist) didn't do her standard grades (left school at 17) til she was 38 and got her Master's degree by 45 ; so there's plenty of time and these Tories fucks plan on working us til we are in our 70s. 

First thing is to focus on yourself. The weight will come off! A sensible and modest weight loss program followed with light exercise. Slow steps, if it's just walking for 10 mins a day to begin with start there. If you don't like walking, there's alternatives : bike, swimming, running, even yoga or home workouts via YouTube. 

Honestly, you have a sharp brain and a quick wit. There's so much you have to offer. 

Changing your eating habits can do wonders for many regarding well being, mental health and generally feeling better. 

Volunteer! Join a club! Great ways of being involved in society and giving you some belief and confidence back. 

PM me anytime pal, and kudos for letting it all out. You can do this man! 

Edited September 8, 2019 by Kejan

[Bert Raccoon]

Hello people. Not a huge poster in this thread but I do think it's great that people can come here and get great support. I've had mental health issues in the past and probably still do but I've had great support and I'm in a genuinely good place just now. I've decided to run in The Great Scottish Run this month to raise funds for Mental Health UK as I believe it's a very worthwhile charity who do a lot of good work. I'd really appreciate any support you guys could give. Cheers.

 

https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/nicolas-clark

[Guest Moomintroll]

Hello people. Not a huge poster in this thread but I do think it's great that people can come here and get great support. I've had mental health issues in the past and probably still do but I've had great support and I'm in a genuinely good place just now. I've decided to run in The Great Scottish Run this month to raise funds for Mental Health UK as I believe it's a very worthwhile charity who do a lot of good work. I'd really appreciate any support you guys could give. Cheers.
 
https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/nicolas-clark

Just chucked something in, well worth it to avoid doing any sort of physical activity myself.

[Bert Raccoon]

1 minute ago, Moomintroll said:

16 minutes ago, Bert Raccoon said:

Hello people. Not a huge poster in this thread but I do think it's great that people can come here and get great support. I've had mental health issues in the past and probably still do but I've had great support and I'm in a genuinely good place just now. I've decided to run in The Great Scottish Run this month to raise funds for Mental Health UK as I believe it's a very worthwhile charity who do a lot of good work. I'd really appreciate any support you guys could give. Cheers.
 
https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/nicolas-clark

Just chucked something in, well worth it to avoid doing any sort of physical activity myself.

Really appreciate it. Thanks.

[Guest Moomintroll]

Really appreciate it. Thanks.

No worries m90, good luck.

[Stevie Aitken's Love Child]

I suppose the only way to describe how I feel is stuck. Stuck  in my own solitary life, which from the outside really doesn't look too bad.

I had a bad start. Lost my parents to the booze, and my older brother died suddenly all within 8 months. That was 17 years ago now. I probably lost 4-5 years back then in a blur of drinking, financial struggle and anti-depressants, but met a girl who changed my life. Got married. Buggered off abroad and genuinely felt what I thought was happiness. I've since realised that just having someone who showed me affection was hiding all the red flags in my life, and masking the deep lying issues. I had a family again, it's what I craved.  I hadn't had any sort of 

Shortly after getting married, things started to unravel a bit. She expected more of me, and I didn't have the strength of mind to step up. I became more insular, stopped going out, generally stopped making an effort in more or less all aspects of life. Yet it still came as a shock to me when, after 2 years of marriage, she walked out on me. I had given up. I wasn't the guy she married anymore. It crushed me, because I was still convincing myself that I was 'happy' when I clearly wasn't.

Anyway, we rushed through a divorce, and I saw coming home as the safe option. I've been back for 4 and a half years now. Had a couple of relationships, none have been right for me, one even made things a whole lot worse by putting a massive amount of pressure on my shoulders to provide for her 2 kids due to the deadbeat dad not bothering his arse. I think it's safe to say that I don't handle pressure very well.

Loneliness is seen as a problem that only affects the old. I can assure you, after 2 Christmases and Birthdays spent on my own without as much as a card, that it's real and exists among the young. The feelings of despair over the last year or so have floored me at times. I'm at a point in my life where I'm finally getting all the grown up things in order. Bought my first place last year, doing well in work, even up for promotion and s substantial wedge in extra money, but I feel nothing but emptiness.

I live my life alone. I have a decent group of friends, all around since school. They're all doing their thing, living their life, having kids and everything that comes with it. They don't have the time, or indeed the inclination, to have me around all the time. 

I feel invisible, like no-one would notice if I just upped sticks and left. 

[Priti priti priti Patel]

5 hours ago, Stevie Aitken's Love Child said:

I suppose the only way to describe how I feel is stuck. Stuck  in my own solitary life, which from the outside really doesn't look too bad.

I had a bad start. Lost my parents to the booze, and my older brother died suddenly all within 8 months. That was 17 years ago now. I probably lost 4-5 years back then in a blur of drinking, financial struggle and anti-depressants, but met a girl who changed my life. Got married. Buggered off abroad and genuinely felt what I thought was happiness. I've since realised that just having someone who showed me affection was hiding all the red flags in my life, and masking the deep lying issues. I had a family again, it's what I craved.  I hadn't had any sort of 

Shortly after getting married, things started to unravel a bit. She expected more of me, and I didn't have the strength of mind to step up. I became more insular, stopped going out, generally stopped making an effort in more or less all aspects of life. Yet it still came as a shock to me when, after 2 years of marriage, she walked out on me. I had given up. I wasn't the guy she married anymore. It crushed me, because I was still convincing myself that I was 'happy' when I clearly wasn't.

Anyway, we rushed through a divorce, and I saw coming home as the safe option. I've been back for 4 and a half years now. Had a couple of relationships, none have been right for me, one even made things a whole lot worse by putting a massive amount of pressure on my shoulders to provide for her 2 kids due to the deadbeat dad not bothering his arse. I think it's safe to say that I don't handle pressure very well.

Loneliness is seen as a problem that only affects the old. I can assure you, after 2 Christmases and Birthdays spent on my own without as much as a card, that it's real and exists among the young. The feelings of despair over the last year or so have floored me at times. I'm at a point in my life where I'm finally getting all the grown up things in order. Bought my first place last year, doing well in work, even up for promotion and s substantial wedge in extra money, but I feel nothing but emptiness.

I live my life alone. I have a decent group of friends, all around since school. They're all doing their thing, living their life, having kids and everything that comes with it. They don't have the time, or indeed the inclination, to have me around all the time. 

I feel invisible, like no-one would notice if I just upped sticks and left. 

When's your birthday?

[Stevie Aitken's Love Child]

9 hours ago, Margaret Thatcher said:

When's your birthday?

May. Why do you ask?

[Robin.Hood]

Has anyone had Electroconvulsive therapy?
Mum has been offered it however right now she has refused it. Going to see doctor on Thursday to get a bit more information about it.
29 days she has been in carsview for, a little longer stint this time. However not a lot of progress this time round.

[Priti priti priti Patel]

On 10/09/2019 at 07:21, Stevie Aitken's Love Child said:

May. Why do you ask?

I was going to try to remember to wish you a happy birthday. I still will, albeit I am leaving my job in November and don't have another calendar that carries over, so it will be tricky, but I'll try. 

From your story, I can completely understand why you feel alone. I always find that other people are really the only salvation from the objective meaninglessness of life. Without your parents, your brother, or the support of a partner, you are left alone with your thoughts and not a lot else. You seem pretty independent and objective so I doubt you need encouraging words, but honestly you should feel proud to have got your own house, your health, and your finances in order - those are important building blocks. It sounds like you are just missing out on having other people you care about to to give meaning and companionship, and maybe feel you're not ready for that yet. With those building blocks, an obviously good brain and your ability to view your situation objectively, you will be able to resolve any of that internal stuff holding you back and start to form meaningful relationships. Meanwhile, the extent of time you have spent alone will give you the independence needed to go out and truly see the world in a way so many are too scared or incapable of doing. And overcoming your circumstances will garner a lot of admiration (externally) and wisdom (internally)!

I believe you will get there

[Guest bernardblack]

I’ve done absolutely no exercise since finishing the marathon and my mental health has deteriorated as a result.

Does anyone suffer from health anxiety? I’m constantly googling symptoms and turning into a hypochondriac

[Jamaldo]

25 minutes ago, bernardblack said:

I’ve done absolutely no exercise since finishing the marathon and my mental health has deteriorated as a result.

Does anyone suffer from health anxiety? I’m constantly googling symptoms and turning into a hypochondriac

Yes sometimes. Used to be a lot worse than I am now. It's strange because you can actually use the fear to push yourself to eat better and look after yourself, even if the fear is completely unfounded.

My last really horrible bout of health anxiety came in early 2015 when I kept getting horrible acid reflux and was convinced I was going to get oesophageal  cancer as a result. In the end it turned out I'd just put on a bit too much weight and after losing it the acid reflux disappeared and I haven't had it since. The best thing to do is, instead of letting your imagination run wild, look at the circumstances and see what might have changed in your life which has led to you feeling like shit. Once you find out what that is then you can seek to rectify it. Remember, unless you're exceptionally unlucky, it will never be the worst case scenario.

Also doing a marathon is going to take a ton of energy and motivation out of you, which is completely normal. Just don't leave it too long to start exercising again.

Hope this helps.

[Raidernation]

I’m struggling.
Still living in a sober home but away from my girls. Managing to stay sober but some days I wonder why the f**k I do.
One of my girls just moved to Virginia so f**k knows when I see her again.
I’m doing 60-70 hour weeks at school just to keep up with the ridiculous demands.

I’m fucking tired and I just want to piss off and wallow in self pity and peace.

[Melanius Mullarkey]

On 10/09/2019 at 11:46, G_Man1985 said:

Has anyone had Electroconvulsive therapy?
Mum has been offered it however right now she has refused it. Going to see doctor on Thursday to get a bit more information about it.
29 days she has been in carsview for, a little longer stint this time. However not a lot of progress this time round.

Usually offered as a short term fix when things are pretty bad.  29 days is getting to be a fairly long stint which is maybe why they’re offering it.

[Guest bernardblack]

Yes sometimes. Used to be a lot worse than I am now. It's strange because you can actually use the fear to push yourself to eat better and look after yourself, even if the fear is completely unfounded.
My last really horrible bout of health anxiety came in early 2015 when I kept getting horrible acid reflux and was convinced I was going to get oesophageal  cancer as a result. In the end it turned out I'd just put on a bit too much weight and after losing it the acid reflux disappeared and I haven't had it since. The best thing to do is, instead of letting your imagination run wild, look at the circumstances and see what might have changed in your life which has led to you feeling like shit. Once you find out what that is then you can seek to rectify it. Remember, unless you're exceptionally unlucky, it will never be the worst case scenario.
Also doing a marathon is going to take a ton of energy and motivation out of you, which is completely normal. Just don't leave it too long to start exercising again.
Hope this helps.

Thanks for this. I’ll give it a try

[Kejan]

16 hours ago, bernardblack said:

I’ve done absolutely no exercise since finishing the marathon and my mental health has deteriorated as a result.

Does anyone suffer from health anxiety? I’m constantly googling symptoms and turning into a hypochondriac

Congrats on the marathon, that is a major achievement! So well done. I entered a 10k in the summer and didn't finish it - I sprained my ankle at about 4.3 km and was utterly gutted for a week. I've ran regularly for about 10 years now but never done a race. Trained quite well for it and was aiming for about 47-50 minutes so got a a really hump when I DNF although I'm determinted to do another one next year and possibly a half-marathon as well.

I also feel groggy, more down and just for what of a better word dour when I don't exercise.  It took me 10 days to get over my sprained ankle/running blues and did very little in that period and generally felt pretty shite and apathetic. Started running 10 days ago again and definitely feel an improvement in mental health.

There are people who suffer horrifically with depression and I know sometimes exercise/diet etc isn't enough if you have a clear mental imbalance  ; and now to sound like Alan Brazil, but for a good number of people - sorting out your diet and exercising can do wonders for mild depression. Although I feel I have a bit of imposter syndrome with almost everything e.g jack of all trades ; master of none. I speak three languages to varying degrees and I still feel I'm blagging it at times when I've understood everything in the conversation.  Maybe time to get Troy McClure's ''GET CONFIDENT STUPID" self help video.

 

[Kejan]

11 hours ago, Raidernation said:

I’m struggling.
Still living in a sober home but away from my girls. Managing to stay sober but some days I wonder why the f**k I do.
One of my girls just moved to Virginia so f**k knows when I see her again.
I’m doing 60-70 hour weeks at school just to keep up with the ridiculous demands.

I’m fucking tired and I just want to piss off and wallow in self pity and peace.

Sorry to hear that, Raider.

I don't know your financial situation or if there are rules on a sober home e.g leaving it at certain hours/times?- but do JetBlue or Southwest (or others) not have any deals on flights to Virgina/Washington etc? Even if its just Friday to Monday or something ; see if there's a deal for October or November and just take your backpack -saving on the hold fees etc.

Hope you are better.

Edited September 13, 2019 by Kejan

[Shandon Par]

11 hours ago, Raidernation said:

I’m struggling.
Still living in a sober home but away from my girls. Managing to stay sober but some days I wonder why the f**k I do.
One of my girls just moved to Virginia so f**k knows when I see her again.
I’m doing 60-70 hour weeks at school just to keep up with the ridiculous demands.

I’m fucking tired and I just want to piss off and wallow in self pity and peace.

Being sober is a great step but it's not a magic cure for everything. Doing those hours probably wouldn't be much easier with a hangover. That sounds tough about the girls being far away. There are maybe things you could do to relax but also keep them in mind - like writing to them (even if they can't read yet - not sure what age they are) and just being kind to yourself. It can take a bit of adjustment to living sober. Long baths, cups of tea, a run or walk good books or magazines - make the most of your time away from work.