Depression

[Guest JTS98]

On 21/08/2019 at 14:28, Dons_1988 said:

 

Definitely. Combined with not sleeping it’s definitely been taking a toll.

Good news is I had a productive day at work yesterday, just keeping myself busy, a good chat with the mrs last night about how it was affecting me and managed to get a good nights sleep.

Rib still hurts like f**k but feeling much brighter and more optimistic today.

 

Don't underestimate the impact of the lack of sleep. That'll multiply whatever else you're feeling.

Good to hear you got a decent snooze. Work on that to begin with.

[Dons_1988]

Don't underestimate the impact of the lack of sleep. That'll multiply whatever else you're feeling.
Good to hear you got a decent snooze. Work on that to begin with.

Absolutely. Thanks.

I’ve now slept well a few nights in a row and past the stage of being in constant pain. I still can’t exercise but delighted to be feeling more comfortable and much happier having slept etc.

[Raidernation]

I’m upset.
Do I have a right to be upset? I don’t know.
Because it’s “Labor day” here I have a long weekend.
Decided to have a couple of nights home, away from sober living, to spend time with my girls who are all off today.
Talked, texted about what we could do.
Today, now, they all have made last minute plans with boyfriends etc. and I’m sat here with my thumb up my arse with f**k all to look forward to other than a 70 mile drive back.
Did I tell them I’m upset?
No, of course not, they’re entitled to have some fun, I’m just left feeling like shite.

[Dons_1988]

I’m upset.
Do I have a right to be upset? I don’t know.
Because it’s “Labor day” here I have a long weekend.
Decided to have a couple of nights home, away from sober living, to spend time with my girls who are all off today.
Talked, texted about what we could do.
Today, now, they all have made last minute plans with boyfriends etc. and I’m sat here with my thumb up my arse with f**k all to look forward to other than a 70 mile drive back.
Did I tell them I’m upset?
No, of course not, they’re entitled to have some fun, I’m just left feeling like shite.

Of course you have a right to be at the very least saddened and disappointed by it. After everything you’ve been through time with your family would’ve been invaluable looking at it from afar.

I can relate only too well to the fact that you want them to have fun even if it’s at your expense but you might find there’s a tactful way you can explain to them the impact it had?

[RH33]

Three day crisis admission last week as was danger to self. Once overwhelming crisis had settled a bit came home.

I find hospital only helpful when I absolutely loose ability keep self safe. Then I’m better being at home. 

Psychiatrist and I tend to be in same page which helps.

 

[Raidernation]

Holy shit.
Puts my sulk into perspective, hope you’re ok Rowan.

[Priti priti priti Patel]

On 15/09/2018 at 08:42, Margaret Thatcher said:

Seems the black dog is visiting this weekend. Struggling to do anything. Pretty much any activity even just eating breakfast feels emotionally painful. Verge of tears. Angry at myself for feeling this way. I feel trapped in work and too fucking down outside of work to do anything about it. I have not been enjoying work at all for a few months but I've started getting good at putting on a smiley face while I'm there, which has correlated with feeling worse when I'm at home. Had excellent feedback on a job interview on Thursday and was feeling fine yesterday. Ach weel. First time posting in this thread, so it must be bad. Going to do a Parkrun 5k now and see if the exercise helps

 

On 03/10/2018 at 11:01, Margaret Thatcher said:

Since we are giving updates, I will give an update on this. A slightly strange feeling as I feel a new man...

I have been meaning to come back to this for months now and I haven't done but now is as good a time as any. Believe me when I say that the feelings described in my first post were some of the worst I have ever felt, and certainly the worst bout of depression I have ever experienced. It all centered around feeling trapped in my job and not able to get ahead, destined to do unfulfilling work forever.

About a month after that first post (around 19 October 2018) I got a job offer that was remarkable. It was at a more reputable employer, in a more senior position, and for 20% more money. Three forward moves in one go. The work wasn't challenging for the first six months however it was painless, my colleagues were decent and the environment is nice, low stress. Since then, I have been pushing for more challenging work and getting it, and also passed two exams since then (waiting on results for the third and feeling confident). I have started going to the gym and seeing my body getting built, and I have become super confident and reasonably popular in the workplace. Financially, I am in a good place, and have a good chance of a promotion which will more than double my income in the next six months. I am feeling consistently happy, relaxed, and seeing the beauty in the world. I am taking chances and doing things I always wanted but never realistically saw for myself - took my young nephew to a music festival on the continent in the summer, took a couple of trips abroad, climbed a couple of mountains, and am away to Sweden with the other half next month. Now I am realising that this beautiful woman who has stuck by me for years is, in fact, suffering herself with some feelings of blame, low self-esteem, irritation (possibly depressed but she hasn't said it) and I get to now be there for her.

I am not trying to show off. I have never forgot posting on here last year - it was my only time posting on this thread and I remember this thread was the only place I could talk to because no-one knows who I am on here - and have always felt I should come back and let you all know it can turn around.

Stay in there, keep your head up if you can, and believe that one day you will feel alright again.

[Dons_1988]

I have been meaning to come back to this for months now and I haven't done but now is as good a time as any. Believe me when I say that the feelings described in my first post were some of the worst I have ever felt, and certainly the worst bout of depression I have ever experienced. It all centered around feeling trapped in my job and not able to get ahead, destined to do unfulfilling work forever.
About a month after that first post (around 19 October 2018) I got a job offer that was remarkable. It was at a more reputable employer, in a more senior position, and for 20% more money. Three forward moves in one go. The work wasn't challenging for the first six months however it was painless, my colleagues were decent and the environment is nice, low stress. Since then, I have been pushing for more challenging work and getting it, and also passed two exams since then (waiting on results for the third and feeling confident). I have started going to the gym and seeing my body getting built, and I have become super confident and reasonably popular in the workplace. Financially, I am in a good place, and have a good chance of a promotion which will more than double my income in the next six months. I am feeling consistently happy, relaxed, and seeing the beauty in the world. I am taking chances and doing things I always wanted but never realistically saw for myself - took my young nephew to a music festival on the continent in the summer, took a couple of trips abroad, climbed a couple of mountains, and am away to Sweden with the other half next month. Now I am realising that this beautiful woman who has stuck by me for years is, in fact, suffering herself with some feelings of blame, low self-esteem, irritation (possibly depressed but she hasn't said it) and I get to now be there for her.
I am not trying to show off. I have never forgot posting on here last year - it was my only time posting on this thread and I remember this thread was the only place I could talk to because no-one knows who I am on here - and have always felt I should come back and let you all know it can turn around.
Stay in there, keep your head up if you can, and believe that one day you will feel alright again.

Good man. Well done.

[engelbert_humperdink]

51 minutes ago, Margaret Thatcher said:

 

I have been meaning to come back to this for months now and I haven't done but now is as good a time as any. Believe me when I say that the feelings described in my first post were some of the worst I have ever felt, and certainly the worst bout of depression I have ever experienced. It all centered around feeling trapped in my job and not able to get ahead, destined to do unfulfilling work forever.

About a month after that first post (around 19 October 2018) I got a job offer that was remarkable. It was at a more reputable employer, in a more senior position, and for 20% more money. Three forward moves in one go. The work wasn't challenging for the first six months however it was painless, my colleagues were decent and the environment is nice, low stress. Since then, I have been pushing for more challenging work and getting it, and also passed two exams since then (waiting on results for the third and feeling confident). I have started going to the gym and seeing my body getting built, and I have become super confident and reasonably popular in the workplace. Financially, I am in a good place, and have a good chance of a promotion which will more than double my income in the next six months. I am feeling consistently happy, relaxed, and seeing the beauty in the world. I am taking chances and doing things I always wanted but never realistically saw for myself - took my young nephew to a music festival on the continent in the summer, took a couple of trips abroad, climbed a couple of mountains, and am away to Sweden with the other half next month. Now I am realising that this beautiful woman who has stuck by me for years is, in fact, suffering herself with some feelings of blame, low self-esteem, irritation (possibly depressed but she hasn't said it) and I get to now be there for her.

I am not trying to show off. I have never forgot posting on here last year - it was my only time posting on this thread and I remember this thread was the only place I could talk to because no-one knows who I am on here - and have always felt I should come back and let you all know it can turn around.

Stay in there, keep your head up if you can, and believe that one day you will feel alright again.

do not know you or seen the posts but delighted to hear you have come through that seemingly endless black pit and are thriving. All the best going onwards

 

[mizfit]

There is no other way to describe it, but I’m sitting in work with what I can only describe as an overwhelming sense of failure.

Been on a high for the last few months. But this is awful, truly awful.

[Poet of the Macabre]

On 02/09/2019 at 21:47, Margaret Thatcher said:

 

I have been meaning to come back to this for months now and I haven't done but now is as good a time as any. Believe me when I say that the feelings described in my first post were some of the worst I have ever felt, and certainly the worst bout of depression I have ever experienced. It all centered around feeling trapped in my job and not able to get ahead, destined to do unfulfilling work forever.

About a month after that first post (around 19 October 2018) I got a job offer that was remarkable. It was at a more reputable employer, in a more senior position, and for 20% more money. Three forward moves in one go. The work wasn't challenging for the first six months however it was painless, my colleagues were decent and the environment is nice, low stress. Since then, I have been pushing for more challenging work and getting it, and also passed two exams since then (waiting on results for the third and feeling confident). I have started going to the gym and seeing my body getting built, and I have become super confident and reasonably popular in the workplace. Financially, I am in a good place, and have a good chance of a promotion which will more than double my income in the next six months. I am feeling consistently happy, relaxed, and seeing the beauty in the world. I am taking chances and doing things I always wanted but never realistically saw for myself - took my young nephew to a music festival on the continent in the summer, took a couple of trips abroad, climbed a couple of mountains, and am away to Sweden with the other half next month. Now I am realising that this beautiful woman who has stuck by me for years is, in fact, suffering herself with some feelings of blame, low self-esteem, irritation (possibly depressed but she hasn't said it) and I get to now be there for her.

I am not trying to show off. I have never forgot posting on here last year - it was my only time posting on this thread and I remember this thread was the only place I could talk to because no-one knows who I am on here - and have always felt I should come back and let you all know it can turn around.

Stay in there, keep your head up if you can, and believe that one day you will feel alright again.

Well done mate.

[Poet of the Macabre]

Was very low over the weekend and earlier this week but starting to feel somewhat better. Have found reading in the flat is quite relaxing, when previously being alone would see me climbing up the walls.

[johnnydun]

1 hour ago, mizfit said:

There is no other way to describe it, but I’m sitting in work with what I can only describe as an overwhelming sense of failure.

Been on a high for the last few months. But this is awful, truly awful.

Try to put things in to perspective mate.

Take a step back and have a look at things. 

Have you failed in anyway to make you feel that way?

[AL-FFC]

Past 2 days my depression is starting to creep back in, more to do with the conditions where i work.  On a count down with 19 days till home and no intention of returning here.  If it wasnt for the anti depressants i am on i honestly think i would be in tears again.

[Bairney The Dinosaur]

I have been meaning to come back to this for months now and I haven't done but now is as good a time as any. Believe me when I say that the feelings described in my first post were some of the worst I have ever felt, and certainly the worst bout of depression I have ever experienced. It all centered around feeling trapped in my job and not able to get ahead, destined to do unfulfilling work forever.

About a month after that first post (around 19 October 2018) I got a job offer that was remarkable. It was at a more reputable employer, in a more senior position, and for 20% more money. Three forward moves in one go. The work wasn't challenging for the first six months however it was painless, my colleagues were decent and the environment is nice, low stress. Since then, I have been pushing for more challenging work and getting it, and also passed two exams since then (waiting on results for the third and feeling confident). I have started going to the gym and seeing my body getting built, and I have become super confident and reasonably popular in the workplace. Financially, I am in a good place, and have a good chance of a promotion which will more than double my income in the next six months. I am feeling consistently happy, relaxed, and seeing the beauty in the world. I am taking chances and doing things I always wanted but never realistically saw for myself - took my young nephew to a music festival on the continent in the summer, took a couple of trips abroad, climbed a couple of mountains, and am away to Sweden with the other half next month. Now I am realising that this beautiful woman who has stuck by me for years is, in fact, suffering herself with some feelings of blame, low self-esteem, irritation (possibly depressed but she hasn't said it) and I get to now be there for her.

I am not trying to show off. I have never forgot posting on here last year - it was my only time posting on this thread and I remember this thread was the only place I could talk to because no-one knows who I am on here - and have always felt I should come back and let you all know it can turn around.

Stay in there, keep your head up if you can, and believe that one day you will feel alright again.

That was really good to read and does give a hope that things will pass.

 

ETA - has anyone else tried meditation? Currently 3 weeks into a form of transcendental meditation. Not convinced it’s making a huge difference overall just yet but it is something I look forward to each day and I certainly have an initial mood lift after I’m done.

[RH33]

Sucks 

[DA Baracus]

First came across this song a few months back (boring story but came from a different song from the same musical that was played at my older brother's wedding, and from there I gave the film version a shot; it's decent), and was in tears.

I know it's about AIDS sufferers and I am not comparing myself to them or claiming that depression is anywhere near the level of awful as AIDS is, but I couldn't help feeling that the song was quite apt for depression 

I have lost my dignity. Almost no one cares, and often no one cares. Many, many times I have hoped not to wake from this nightmare. I still don't know if or when I will.

I have lost circa 16 years of my life. I have self harmed, have been very close to suicide and have developed addictions that I'm still battling. I got in to huge debt. I have had 94 pay day loans, have had a credit card that I only just paid off today, had 3 overdrafts at one point and had another credit card that is now part of a debt arrangement scheme which I pay a sum to every month and have been for 5 years and will do for 4 more. I also have significant student debt, with zero to show for it. I have zero savings and zero pension.

For much of this year I have been having sad and desperate thoughts that I've ran out of time. I'm 34 and will be 35 in December. I want to have kids but feel that it's almost too late. As a result of my issues I'm grossly overweight, and so am exceedingly unattractive, and have been single for close to 9 years. I have nothing in my life and have lost so many friends. My parents are an odd issue as I haven't spoken to them since April. They go ages without speaking to me and claim it's their fault and apologise and say they'll sort it but never do. 

I have zero qualifications and I'm stuck in such a boringly shit job. 

Song:

 

I can't even apply for jobs until I lose weight. I know that so many employers see a fat c**t like me and instantly decide against me. Women don't even see me, or if they do it's as a horrible joke. I don't blame anyone. I've horribly let myself down and have wasted my life.

Back to the thoughts of running out of time; I often feel that it will take about a year to lose the weight and then I'll be too old to have kids, as first I'll need to somehow get a girlfriend, which will take at least a year at least, if at all, then it'll be at least a couple of years then it'll be too late to have kids.

I have zero purpose. I don't mean anything and I'm not important to anyone. It's one of the reasons why I stopped posting on here and will not be on here for a long time, if ever again.

And yet I do persevere and do try to go on. I have hopes. Often, in fact almost always, I give in to addiction, but I try and I hope. I nearly killed myself at 30 due to a promise that if I hadn't sorted myself by then I'd end it, but at the last moment didn't.

I try to stay positive. I hope and struggle and even plan, even though I often have to fight myself about that. One of my all time favourite tunes is literally Stay Positive:

 

Edited September 7, 2019 by DA Baracus

[Guest Moomintroll]

That was really good to read and does give a hope that things will pass.
 
ETA - has anyone else tried meditation? Currently 3 weeks into a form of transcendental meditation. Not convinced it’s making a huge difference overall just yet but it is something I look forward to each day and I certainly have an initial mood lift after I’m done.

That was really good to read and does give a hope that things will pass.
 
ETA - has anyone else tried meditation? Currently 3 weeks into a form of transcendental meditation. Not convinced it’s making a huge difference overall just yet but it is something I look forward to each day and I certainly have an initial mood lift after I’m done.

I use the headspace app at the start & end of every day. Probably psychosomatic but it really helps me stay grounded & keep everything in proper perspective. Just do whatever works for you & be positive.

[Guest JTS98]

10 hours ago, DA Baracus said:

For much of this year I have been having sad and desperate thoughts that I've ran out of time. I'm 34 and will be 35 in December.

We're pretty much the same age, I've got a few months on you.

I've hit the 'too late' feeling in relation to loads of things over the last few years and have started to see that it's just perspective. I mind at 25 deciding not to change careers because it would take me a couple of years and then I'd be in my late 20s and 'finished'. Then I did the same a few years later because I'd have been 35 and 'past it'.

I'm now days from turning 35. I'm the oldest I've ever been (!) and now I'm starting to see that the idea of 'too late' to do something is all in my head. I've made a loose ten year plan to change career gently while not shafting myself financially. It might take 15 years, it might take 5. There's no real reason to worry about that as I'm starting to see that being 50 will one day just be normal in the same way as I'm now almost 35 and feel absolutely fine, despite what my 25-year old self thought about it.

We're old compared to our teenage selves, but in reality your mid-thirties is a stage of life where there is plenty of scope to change direction. Not instantly, but with a bit of patience and thought.

One of my best mates has just turned 43. He gave himself a slap in the face exactly seven years ago this month and decided to pack in drinking his life away and drifting through life. The annoying p***k has gone from being wildly over-weight to being in more than decent shape, he's got a burd, got married and now they have a two-year-old. He's got a job he's ok with but doesn't love. That's life. Some things are good, others not.

Trust me, if that useless p***k can sort himself out, so can you. Take a step back and think of where you'd like to be in ten years, not in one year. Then take action.

Edited September 7, 2019 by JTS98

[welshbairn]

I found getting to 40 a relief, stopped worrying about what I was doing with my life and just went with the flow. Luckily I'm blessed with a healthy lack of ambition.