Depression

[Jambomo]

That's not pathetic or stupid or even uncommon. Life unfortunately can throw this scenario up all top often. 
Lonliness is an absolute killer and as you've stated yourself can lead to dark thoughts.
It can be hard to sort. I'm in a similar position in that I live alone and don't really have any friends here, so can't just text a pal asking if they want to have a beer or just hang out or whatever. 
I think it's important what not to do. Definitely don't make a habit of drinking alone in your house. Try to remember that social media is a snapshot where everyone is trying to make out what a good time they're having and often isn't reality. I sometimes see things and wonder why I can't be out with friends having a laugh and feel awful for it. Just remember that a lot of the time it's folk sitting in a pub on their phone all night only to take a quick photo and remark that it's the best night ever.
Unfortunately the issue very rarely sorts itself. I know from bitter experience that passivity solves nothing. You will need to do things to try and make new friends. The usual things like clubs and societies are a good start, with the internet being your friend there. Things like pub quizzes can help. Just look out for opportunities and try to take them, and don't give up.
As you can see from this thread you can always speak to folk on here to vent and express your thoughts, and I'm always open to a PM.
 

Thank you, it’s much appreciated. Fortunately I don’t really drink, so I don’t have to worry too much about drinking in the house but it can make going out a bit difficult. That said I am happy to go to the pub etc for a while.

My main issue is that stuff I like to do, walking and open water swimming are out of town and whilst I can sometimes get a lift, I often can’t so that makes regular activities hard. I will look for other opportunities though and I’ll give online stuff a try. Good ideas [emoji4] I start driving lessons soon as well, so I’m hoping to pass my test and then be a bit more able to get out and about.

I hope that you are able to do the same yourself. [emoji4]

[Jambomo]

 
DA baracus has put it better than I ever can but nothing to be embarrassed about at all.
 
I’m a bit of a loner/selective with friends but when I’ve been at my lowest I’ve regretted not having enough people around me to share with.
 
Again, DA has nailed it. You know yourself you may not be depressed but don’t regress into a shell like I’ve done in the past. Get out and socialise, outside your comfort zone. I’ve found myself hiding at home drinking because I thought socialising was the worst thing for me. I was very wrong. People can surprise you if you just get out and socialise.

I think you are right about regressing into a shell. Although I come across as quite confident when I know people, I really struggle with strangers and strange situations if I am on my own. I guess I just need to try something new.

[welshbairn]

3 minutes ago, Jambomo said:

 

Thank you, it’s much appreciated. Fortunately I don’t really drink, so I don’t have to worry too much about drinking in the house but it can make going out a bit difficult. That said I am happy to go to the pub etc for a while.

My main issue is that stuff I like to do, walking and open water swimming are out of town and whilst I can sometimes get a lift, I often can’t so that makes regular activities hard. I will look for other opportunities though and I’ll give online stuff a try. Good ideas I start driving lessons soon as well, so I’m hoping to pass my test and then be a bit more able to get out and about.

I hope that you are able to do the same yourself.

 

If you're interested in hillwalking and open water swimming I'd have thought that would be ideal if you're prepared to get in a van or bus to spend the day with a bunch of strangers and get to know them. There must be clubs around where you are.

[Raidernation]

Latest update:
Still going for PHP (6 hours a day) treatment but should be going to IOP (3 hours a day soon)
My insurance, through my ex job, has approved my short term disability (STD they call it  :eek:) so that takes pressure off financially. Also, because it was initiated before I was terminated, I get the full 3 months if necessary  :thumbsup:
I have been taking legal advice and it does look like the school have acted against employment law, having offered me time off, unpaid, in January, if and when needed, then did what they did.

All in all I'm doing well, need to be patient as there are still days when it's hard or I meet my triggers but overall it's at least a curve trending upwards.

[The_Kincardine]

4 minutes ago, Raidernation said:

Latest update:
Still going for PHP (6 hours a day) treatment but should be going to IOP (3 hours a day soon)
My insurance, through my ex job, has approved my short term disability (STD they call it  :eek:) so that takes pressure off financially. Also, because it was initiated before I was terminated, I get the full 3 months if necessary  :thumbsup:
I have been taking legal advice and it does look like the school have acted against employment law, having offered me time off, unpaid, in January, if and when needed, then did what they did.

All in all I'm doing well, need to be patient as there are still days when it's hard or I meet my triggers but overall it's at least a curve trending upwards.

Tricky to balance what's ok for you financially with what's important for your state of mind.  That you're doing well is very much to your credit and I hope you continue to prosper.  Best wishes.

[welshbairn]

5 minutes ago, Raidernation said:

Latest update:
Still going for PHP (6 hours a day) treatment but should be going to IOP (3 hours a day soon)
My insurance, through my ex job, has approved my short term disability (STD they call it  :eek:) so that takes pressure off financially. Also, because it was initiated before I was terminated, I get the full 3 months if necessary  :thumbsup:
I have been taking legal advice and it does look like the school have acted against employment law, having offered me time off, unpaid, in January, if and when needed, then did what they did.

All in all I'm doing well, need to be patient as there are still days when it's hard or I meet my triggers but overall it's at least a curve trending upwards.

Glad to hear it. Others will know better but it sounds like you're getting better treatment in Chicago than you'd get here, sadly to say. Mental Healthcare is the Cinderella of the NHS, despite the financial risks being mitigated.

[Raidernation]

This is hard
I don’t think I really appreciated how hard it is to beat an addiction.
I’m doing ok but I’m not going to lie this is possibly the hardest thing I’ve ever tried to do.
I’m not a saint, I’m not perfect, I am weak, but I will try.
Thank you.

[Shandon Par]

6 hours ago, Raidernation said:

This is hard
I don’t think I really appreciated how hard it is to beat an addiction.
I’m doing ok but I’m not going to lie this is possibly the hardest thing I’ve ever tried to do.
I’m not a saint, I’m not perfect, I am weak, but I will try.
Thank you.

Good on you. I’ve had sober periods before but they were no more than a period of whetting the appetite for when I could get back on it. I found Russell Brand’s recovery book pretty helpful (got it as an audiobook) as it’s basicslly the 12 steps but in his words.

9 months dry now but I had to just work that out as I’ve stopped counting the days and weeks now. It’s just who I am now and when triggers occur - eg in the supermarket and come to the booze aisle - I just remind myself that it’s not for me and would bring no good. Making an effort to be happier and letting go of resentments has made a huge difference too.

Best of luck with it all. I’m sure you will keep on the right path.

[NJ2]

This is hard
I don’t think I really appreciated how hard it is to beat an addiction.
I’m doing ok but I’m not going to lie this is possibly the hardest thing I’ve ever tried to do.
I’m not a saint, I’m not perfect, I am weak, but I will try.
Thank you.

It will be hard, but it’s not impossible - as shown below. One day at a time mate.

Good on you. I’ve had sober periods before but they were no more than a period of whetting the appetite for when I could get back on it. I found Russell Brand’s recovery book pretty helpful (got it as an audiobook) as it’s basicslly the 12 steps but in his words.
9 months dry now but I had to just work that out as I’ve stopped counting the days and weeks now. It’s just who I am now and when triggers occur - eg in the supermarket and come to the booze aisle - I just remind myself that it’s not for me and would bring no good. Making an effort to be happier and letting go of resentments has made a huge difference too.
Best of luck with it all. I’m sure you will keep on the right path.

Well done on the dry spell, keep at it! [emoji106]

[Guest Moomintroll]

Had a major meltdown last night, been coming for weeks as I have been struggling to cope. Feel utterly useless & have no idea what to do next, have such an amazing person alongside me but she doesn't need my continued crap. Can't summon the courage but would happily walk in front of a truck right now, can't do suicide as she wouldn't get insurance but just don't see the point of me.

[Shandon Par]

16 minutes ago, Moomintroll said:

Had a major meltdown last night, been coming for weeks as I have been struggling to cope. Feel utterly useless & have no idea what to do next, have such an amazing person alongside me but she doesn't need my continued crap. Can't summon the courage but would happily walk in front of a truck right now, can't do suicide as she wouldn't get insurance but just don't see the point of me.

I’m in no way qualified to offer you any advice but you are far from useless and your avatar always cheers me up. The Moomins were excellent, if creepy as f**k! 

 

[NJ2]

Had a major meltdown last night, been coming for weeks as I have been struggling to cope. Feel utterly useless & have no idea what to do next, have such an amazing person alongside me but she doesn't need my continued crap. Can't summon the courage but would happily walk in front of a truck right now, can't do suicide as she wouldn't get insurance but just don't see the point of me.

None of us are useless mate. Try and talk to your Mrs about how you’re feeling, if you can. Rock bottom is a good place to start heading upwards from, if nothing else. Get through today, take tomorrow as it comes.
If you’d rather speak to someone anonymously Samaritans are there for everyone 24/7 (call 116 123). Goes without saying you can pm me of course, I can’t offer any professional help but I can listen

[Guest Moomintroll]

None of us are useless mate. Try and talk to your Mrs about how you’re feeling, if you can. Rock bottom is a good place to start heading upwards from, if nothing else. Get through today, take tomorrow as it comes.
If you’d rather speak to someone anonymously Samaritans are there for everyone 24/7 (call 116 123). Goes without saying you can pm me of course, I can’t offer any professional help but I can listen

Thanks, I always leave it too late then so much shit tumbles out when I talk to her. Hate feeling like I do when I am this low but cant control it, Hollyoaks triggered it this time, fucking Hollyoaks!?!?!

[Guest Moomintroll]

I’m in no way qualified to offer you any advice but you are far from useless and your avatar always cheers me up. The Moomins were excellent, if creepy as f**k! 
 

Thats me in a nutshell, except for the excellent part. Or the creepy part actually, I should change my avatar to a blobfish.

[Guest Moomintroll]

Trying so hard to make light of it, in my head I know others have much worse problems but also in my head is the dog.

[NJ2]

Thanks, I always leave it too late then so much shit tumbles out when I talk to her. Hate feeling like I do when I am this low but cant control it, Hollyoaks triggered it this time, fucking Hollyoaks!?!?!

That’s it though, hollyoaks triggered it but it’s nothing to do with that really. It just was the drip that over filled the bucket, if that analogy makes any sense. Was speaking about this with one of my mates through the week after we got some bad news, important to try and talk about things before it all just mounts up. I’m as bad myself but but threads like this, and I guess conversations like that, are helping that change somewhat

[Dons_1988]

Had a major meltdown last night, been coming for weeks as I have been struggling to cope. Feel utterly useless & have no idea what to do next, have such an amazing person alongside me but she doesn't need my continued crap. Can't summon the courage but would happily walk in front of a truck right now, can't do suicide as she wouldn't get insurance but just don't see the point of me.

I’ve been there mate, right down to the thoughts that my wife would be better off if I wasn’t here anymore. That it would hurt her short term but long term she’d be better off.

It’s not true, it’s never true. Hang in there mate. It will get better.

If you want to PM about anything go for it. I was where you are 6 months ago.

[Guest Moomintroll]

I’ve been there mate, right down to the thoughts that my wife would be better off if I wasn’t here anymore. That it would hurt her short term but long term she’d be better off.

It’s not true, it’s never true. Hang in there mate. It will get better.

If you want to PM about anything go for it. I was where you are 6 months ago.

Thanks, was here 3 years ago, 2 years ago, last night and other points in between. Just wish the happy pills would do their job and this leaves me the f**k alone. What you said is exactly my mentality but dont want to be thinking those thoughts.

[Guest Moomintroll]

That’s it though, hollyoaks triggered it but it’s nothing to do with that really. It just was the drip that over filled the bucket, if that analogy makes any sense. Was speaking about this with one of my mates through the week after we got some bad news, important to try and talk about things before it all just mounts up. I’m as bad myself but but threads like this, and I guess conversations like that, are helping that change somewhat

It does make sense.

[Dons_1988]

Thanks, was here 3 years ago, 2 years ago, last night and other points in between. Just wish the happy pills would do their job and this leaves me the f**k alone. What you said is exactly my mentality but dont want to be thinking those thoughts.

I was on anti depressants for about 6 years on and off and they did nothing for me other than help me sleep.

I had to change my whole approach to life, health, booze and everything. It’s hard but I’m better than I ever thought I could be. Just have to find what it is that’s holding you down, or at least I did.

I promise it will happen for you if you stick it out.