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48 minutes ago, Stellaboz said:

One of the best things to do is join a Saturday morning fitness programme, or go to the local parkrun albeit it's harder to talk to people there.
It's a great way to meet new people, exercise and start making good routines again.

DA, you'd better not top yourself or I'll kick f**k out of you! You might not realize it but you've got a lot going for you.

I've no plans of doing so cunto.

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1 minute ago, NorthernJambo said:


Think you should kill Stella, DA. Threatened to kick f**k out of dead you. You both ken the place, maws are required.

I've been promising to kick f**k out of him for about 12 years. It'll happen

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Hope everyone who posts on here (or lurks) is feeling a bit better in themselves at the moment,

I was wondering if anyone can help me, just having such a terrible time at the moment. Of course depression has  been a problem for me on and off since I was a young teenager, but last year I received a diagnosis of PTSD.

Going through therapy at the moment, and just cannot tell my therapist what has happened to me (I just cannot say the words- it makes me feel physically sick). We agreed I would write him a letter, which I have done. The problem is, I have just mentally collapsed just writing it all down. Sounds daft, but it's as if my brain can't accept it-even if subconciously it's always known it.

It's totaly irrational, but I fear he will laugh at me when he reads the letter- yet I know he won't- he's a good guy. The fear is almost all consuming. I've to give him the letter on Friday.

Apologies if this is too deep. I guess I'm just looking for some reassurance as I'm in a bad place and a pretty scared.

Edited by Theo Snelders
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8 hours ago, Theo Snelders said:

Hope everyone who posts on here (or lurks) is feeling a bit better in themselves at the moment,

I was wondering if anyone can help me, just having such a terrible time at the moment. Of course depression has  been a problem for me on and off since I was a young teenager, but last year I received a diagnosis of PTSD.

Going through therapy at the moment, and just cannot tell my therapist what has happened to me (I just cannot say the words- it makes me feel physically sick). We agreed I would write him a letter, which I have done. The problem is, I have just mentally collapsed just writing it all down. Sounds daft, but it's as if my brain can't accept it-even if subconciously it's always known it.

It's totaly irrational, but I fear he will laugh at me when he reads the letter- yet I know he won't- he's a good guy. The fear is almost all consuming. I've to give him the letter on Friday.

Apologies if this is too deep. I guess I'm just looking for some reassurance as I'm in a bad place and a pretty scared.

If he's treating you for PTSD there's nothing he hasn't heard. He probably has a good idea what it is already. But your treatment's success depends on you processing it, which is why you need to say or write it, to move on to the next stage of the recovery process.

Edited by Sergeant Wilson
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Hope everyone who posts on here (or lurks) is feeling a bit better in themselves at the moment,
I was wondering if anyone can help me, just having such a terrible time at the moment. Of course depression has  been a problem for me on and off since I was a young teenager, but last year I received a diagnosis of PTSD.
Going through therapy at the moment, and just cannot tell my therapist what has happened to me (I just cannot say the words- it makes me feel physically sick). We agreed I would write him a letter, which I have done. The problem is, I have just mentally collapsed just writing it all down. Sounds daft, but it's as if my brain can't accept it-even if subconciously it's always known it.
It's totaly irrational, but I fear he will laugh at me when he reads the letter- yet I know he won't- he's a good guy. The fear is almost all consuming. I've to give him the letter on Friday.
Apologies if this is too deep. I guess I'm just looking for some reassurance as I'm in a bad place and a pretty scared.

As Sarge says, chances are the therapist has heard before and if not he's not going to judge you. I've never gone through PTSD so can't imagine the way it effects you. It sounds normal writing the letter is really difficult. It's something I've done a couple times, just written a letter (not to someone) just to get it all down and be able to look at it. Even if you only write half of the stuff you want and give him that, it's a fucking great start and a really good point to build from. Keep at it mate.
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1 hour ago, Theo Snelders said:

Hope everyone who posts on here (or lurks) is feeling a bit better in themselves at the moment,

I was wondering if anyone can help me, just having such a terrible time at the moment. Of course depression has  been a problem for me on and off since I was a young teenager, but last year I received a diagnosis of PTSD.

Going through therapy at the moment, and just cannot tell my therapist what has happened to me (I just cannot say the words- it makes me feel physically sick). We agreed I would write him a letter, which I have done. The problem is, I have just mentally collapsed just writing it all down. Sounds daft, but it's as if my brain can't accept it-even if subconciously it's always known it.

It's totaly irrational, but I fear he will laugh at me when he reads the letter- yet I know he won't- he's a good guy. The fear is almost all consuming. I've to give him the letter on Friday.

Apologies if this is too deep. I guess I'm just looking for some reassurance as I'm in a bad place and a pretty scared.

Agreed with what's been said already. It's very likely that he's dealt with this problem and has experience in this before, even if he's not he'll have an idea of it. Just do your best to get as much down as you can, anything is a good start.

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Hope everyone who posts on here (or lurks) is feeling a bit better in themselves at the moment,
I was wondering if anyone can help me, just having such a terrible time at the moment. Of course depression has  been a problem for me on and off since I was a young teenager, but last year I received a diagnosis of PTSD.
Going through therapy at the moment, and just cannot tell my therapist what has happened to me (I just cannot say the words- it makes me feel physically sick). We agreed I would write him a letter, which I have done. The problem is, I have just mentally collapsed just writing it all down. Sounds daft, but it's as if my brain can't accept it-even if subconciously it's always known it.
It's totaly irrational, but I fear he will laugh at me when he reads the letter- yet I know he won't- he's a good guy. The fear is almost all consuming. I've to give him the letter on Friday.
Apologies if this is too deep. I guess I'm just looking for some reassurance as I'm in a bad place and a pretty scared.


Can only echo what the guys above have said. Your therapist will have heard everything before and from what I have heard other people say, getting it out it is a massive step to helping you start to improve.

Even just getting some out will hopefully take a bit of the weight off.

Really wish you the best of luck buddy.
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I had something fairly horrific happen at the end of November. I already have a very good therapist. She got me to basically relive it and tell her in graphic detail what had happened. Good therapists are trained to deal with anything they hear without judgement. They're also a fair chance they'll have heard similar before. 

Its the hardest moments in therapy that help the most.

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9 hours ago, Theo Snelders said:

Hope everyone who posts on here (or lurks) is feeling a bit better in themselves at the moment,

I was wondering if anyone can help me, just having such a terrible time at the moment. Of course depression has  been a problem for me on and off since I was a young teenager, but last year I received a diagnosis of PTSD.

Going through therapy at the moment, and just cannot tell my therapist what has happened to me (I just cannot say the words- it makes me feel physically sick). We agreed I would write him a letter, which I have done. The problem is, I have just mentally collapsed just writing it all down. Sounds daft, but it's as if my brain can't accept it-even if subconciously it's always known it.

It's totaly irrational, but I fear he will laugh at me when he reads the letter- yet I know he won't- he's a good guy. The fear is almost all consuming. I've to give him the letter on Friday.

Apologies if this is too deep. I guess I'm just looking for some reassurance as I'm in a bad place and a pretty scared.

Hope you find the strength to finish the letter bud. Remember that your therapist needs this to help you get to where you want to be 

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Hope everyone who posts on here (or lurks) is feeling a bit better in themselves at the moment,
I was wondering if anyone can help me, just having such a terrible time at the moment. Of course depression has  been a problem for me on and off since I was a young teenager, but last year I received a diagnosis of PTSD.
Going through therapy at the moment, and just cannot tell my therapist what has happened to me (I just cannot say the words- it makes me feel physically sick). We agreed I would write him a letter, which I have done. The problem is, I have just mentally collapsed just writing it all down. Sounds daft, but it's as if my brain can't accept it-even if subconciously it's always known it.
It's totaly irrational, but I fear he will laugh at me when he reads the letter- yet I know he won't- he's a good guy. The fear is almost all consuming. I've to give him the letter on Friday.
Apologies if this is too deep. I guess I'm just looking for some reassurance as I'm in a bad place and a pretty scared.

I had a similar experience after writing it all down it was at first cathartic then I felt angry at myself for not standing up for myself or thinking I had deserved it somehow. It got better quickly and it was the right thing to do. There is no way a professional will laugh or make light of it as it's obviously effecting you. If the letter is giving you anxiety keep it away from you until you need it or in a locked place? Hope it goes ok for you.
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Hope everyone who posts on here (or lurks) is feeling a bit better in themselves at the moment,
I was wondering if anyone can help me, just having such a terrible time at the moment. Of course depression has  been a problem for me on and off since I was a young teenager, but last year I received a diagnosis of PTSD.
Going through therapy at the moment, and just cannot tell my therapist what has happened to me (I just cannot say the words- it makes me feel physically sick). We agreed I would write him a letter, which I have done. The problem is, I have just mentally collapsed just writing it all down. Sounds daft, but it's as if my brain can't accept it-even if subconciously it's always known it.
It's totaly irrational, but I fear he will laugh at me when he reads the letter- yet I know he won't- he's a good guy. The fear is almost all consuming. I've to give him the letter on Friday.
Apologies if this is too deep. I guess I'm just looking for some reassurance as I'm in a bad place and a pretty scared.


I'm sure my own experiences are minor in comparison but a simple technique my psychologist gave me was always "what would you tell a friend if they came to you with the same problem"

I think that answer would be that you will benefit from finally getting it out, as painful as it is. It'll be tough and it'll hurt but I reckon it will be a weight lifted when you come out of it.
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Thanks to everyone for your support.

It sounds stupid, but I sometimes imagine my therapist with a set of horns and brandishing a trident-which is bloody ridiculous because he is such a decent guy, It's just all the stuff that has happened before that makes me think this way. I find it very hard to trust anyone. Anyhow he read my letter and validated my feelings- in fact he said it made him feel angry that I had had to go through such thngs, what a relief. I've been listened to.

He wants me now to have a voice- so I've to write to him again, telling him exactly how I feel about the people who've harmed me.

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5 minutes ago, Theo Snelders said:

Thanks to everyone for your support.

It sounds stupid, but I sometimes imagine my therapist with a set of horns and brandishing a trident-which is bloody ridiculous because he is such a decent guy, It's just all the stuff that has happened before that makes me think this way. I find it very hard to trust anyone. Anyhow he read my letter and validated my feelings- in fact he said it made him feel angry that I had had to go through such thngs, what a relief. I've been listened to.

He wants me now to have a voice- so I've to write to him again, telling him exactly how I feel about the people who've harmed me.

Sounds like he could be in the same ludge as me.

More seriously, I spent this evening with a buddy of mine who has been through a hell of a lot.  He spent a good while venting and is also going to put pen to paper to give a good 'telt' both to himself and others he's angry with.  I know he'll benefit from it and we'll meet up in a fortnight to go through it.  I'm firmly in the 'better out than in' camp.

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Thanks to everyone for your support.
It sounds stupid, but I sometimes imagine my therapist with a set of horns and brandishing a trident-which is bloody ridiculous because he is such a decent guy, It's just all the stuff that has happened before that makes me think this way. I find it very hard to trust anyone. Anyhow he read my letter and validated my feelings- in fact he said it made him feel angry that I had had to go through such thngs, what a relief. I've been listened to.
He wants me now to have a voice- so I've to write to him again, telling him exactly how I feel about the people who've harmed me.


Delighted you went through with it mate. Appreciate how difficult that must have been.

Just try and remember how good it felt to get that off your chest and keep talking.
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Two weekends ago I wrote a note.

It was a bit of a rant about how if I died no one would miss me and how I've hugely fucked up my life and how I've got nothing going for me.

It wasn't a suicide note as I had no intention of killing myself. I was a bit pished (first time I'd drank, and got drunk, alone in about 17 months) and just wanted to write things down in case I don't wake up.

I threw it out a while ago. However I still try to desperately avoid thinking about how I've fucked up and how I've wasted my life and how I've missed out on so much and how I'm so far behind and how I'm running out of time

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I wrote the above, pished, on the train back from my younger brother's stag do, which was great fun.

It seems to be a pattern that after having a good time with people I start feeling bad mentally. I think it's that I see how everyone seems to have things going for them and how happy they seem and feel envious of it, as I then have to leave and end up being alone with my ever dickish self sabotaging brain and it insists I think about how I have absolutely nothing going for me and how I seem trapped in a cycle of the same shit over and over and how there doesn't seem to be a way out, or that it's too late for a way out or that I'm running out of time, like a big 'life clock' is ticking and I'm near the end and have fucked it. The absolute shame and guilt of not being able to overcome and being such a fucking loser is suffocating at times, and I've never truly dealt with it. I just try not to think about it.

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42 minutes ago, DA Baracus said:

I wrote the above, pished, on the train back from my younger brother's stag do, which was great fun.

It seems to be a pattern that after having a good time with people I start feeling bad mentally. I think it's that I see how everyone seems to have things going for them and how happy they seem and feel envious of it, as I then have to leave and end up being alone with my ever dickish self sabotaging brain 

As a deliberate tactic I now leave 'social gatherings' (from weddings to nights out) when I'm at the height of enjoying myself on the basis that it's been a terrific evening/afternoon and I can leave with good memories.

Most of my friends now know this and realise I'm not spurning them.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I'm in a bit of a state; my grandparents (whom I lived with since I was 10 until 21), died back in August last year, within 9 days of each other, and now nearly being a year later it's beginning to hit hard. 

I was so far away from them when they were poorly, I was with my partner at the time over 100 miles away and I never saw either of them up until that point until shortly before they both died, and it's something I've regretted so, so heavily. They raised me essentially; with my grandad he was barely cogent when I saw him before he died, I always feel like he confused me for my dad when I last saw him, and I can't shake that feeling and it tears me apart inside. My grandad was the only father figure I had in my life and I feel like I missed the last year of our time together through something ridiculous which I regret heavily. My Gran died 9 days after my Papa died, which I'm happy about in a way; they didn't want to spend any time apart, and it turned out that's the way they would end their lives and there's nothing I'm more happy about, but the last time I saw my Gran was at my grandfather's wake; it's just so surreal that it's hitting me now. 

I'm not close to anyone else in my family really, I just feel so utterly isolated. I've been fine for the past few years in regards to my mental health but I feel so fucking devastated at the moment. 

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