Social situations you hate

[smpar]

The "doing my best not to point through my jeans" is my favourite part of that story.

[JamboMikey]

I was wearing black work trousers, so didn't even have the resistance that denim offers in such a situation. Even a semi and it would have been game over.

[Guest]

Had a bad one the day. Had just finished work and I went into Ocean Terminal to get change for the bus home.

Walking along minding my business when out of nowhere I'm accosted by this extremely nice looking Eastern European girl. She starts firing salt from the dead sea on to my hands, various kinds of lotions and stuff like this while I'm trying to explain to her that I have neither the money or the desire to purchase the stuff.

Anyway, she starts telling me she loves my big, sad eyes and being incredibly touchy feely, touching my face and that and, stroking my arms. I effectively stood for 10 minutes and did everything in my power not to get a semi. It was a harrowing experience.

Then she tells me its £125 but she'll give me it for £65 because she likes me and I tell her that I literally have about a £5 to my name (a true story). She gave me a wee card and told me to come and see her on pay day So that's one half of the bottom floor of Ocean Terminal I can't go in for the immediate future.

I've met the very same woman . She never complimented me or touched anywhere but my hands though.

It was still pretty awkward though. I told her straight away that I didn't have any money to buy the stuff, but she still wouldn't let me go without doing a sample. I stood there and she did her stuff with the salts, and asked me what I thought. I told her it was all very well and good, but I still didn't have the money. In the end I somehow went away feeling like a tight b*****d for taking a sample without buying any, even though she didn't really give me a choice. Crafty wee bitch.

It was pretty good stuff though, my hands felt amazing.

[JamboMikey]

It was good stuff. Smells incredible.

[JamboMikey]

I've met the very same woman . She never complimented me or touched anywhere but my hands though.

[dundeebarry]

I was wearing black work trousers, so didn't even have the resistance that denim offers in such a situation. Even a semi and it would have been game over.

So true on the work trouser/hard-on issue. The faintest stirring in the loins can be problematic.

Denim is generally strong enough a material to hold a semi, and combined with sturdy underwear it can even accommodate a lazy erection.

Sometimes there's simply no hiding it though, and unless you happen to be rocking a suit of armour or Hasselhoff-grade leather troosers, pulling the Waistband Tuck manoeuvre is the only way to deal with it. I've had to do it on a few dancefloors when I've been getting particularly funky with a young lady.

Be sure to only pull the Waistband Tuck when your t-shirt or top is long enough to play its part, because an ill-timed hands in the air moment gives you a problem that makes the original issue pale in significance.

[forehead7]

I effectively stood for 10 minutes and did everything in my power not to get a semi. It was a harrowing experience.

Just tell her that it's the pleats in the pants and that you're taking them back to the pants store right now.

[throbber]

The other day i was laughing hysterically at something on here and then the people i was with were looking at me and i couldnht explain what i was laughing at so was a bit un easy then i ended up having to leave the room and laugh myself silly in the toilet and i was gearing myself to come out but kept giggling more and more so was in the toilet for about half an hour and i pressume everyone thought i was pooping. was funny

[Hank Scorpio]

I'm another one who works as a cashier in a supermarket, and the most awkward situation I find myself in at work is when you hand over change to a customer n they aren't quite ready. Do you withdraw the hand, and risk a 'pull the money away as they reach for it' moment, or do you maintain the outstretched arm and risk being left hanging? I'm never sure, and usually opt for resting on the receipt machine.

Another is when someone is trying to feed a ten pound note into the receipt slot on the self scan. Complete face palm, and I'm never sure how to tell them they're being a fucking retard.

I had a good one earlier on today as well, got out of my mates car, said cheerio, got over to the house and the door was locked. What do you do!? Do you turn round and say "Door's locked"' then chuckle, or do you stay staring straight, facing the door and hope your maw opens it as soon as possible? I went for the latter in the end.

I'm also so awkward I couldn't watch those Limmy videos. I got a funny feeling in my teeth half way through the one with him meeting the same boy in the supermarket and had to put it off. I can't bring myself to watch the rest.

[BigMartyn86]

Had a bad one the day. Had just finished work and I went into Ocean Terminal to get change for the bus home.

Walking along minding my business when out of nowhere I'm accosted by this extremely nice looking Eastern European girl. She starts firing salt from the dead sea on to my hands, various kinds of lotions and stuff like this while I'm trying to explain to her that I have neither the money or the desire to purchase the stuff.

Anyway, she starts telling me she loves my big, sad eyes and being incredibly touchy feely, touching my face and that and, stroking my arms. I effectively stood for 10 minutes and did everything in my power not to get a semi. It was a harrowing experience.

Then she tells me its £125 but she'll give me it for £65 because she likes me and I tell her that I literally have about a £5 to my name (a true story). She gave me a wee card and told me to come and see her on pay day So that's one half of the bottom floor of Ocean Terminal I can't go in for the immediate future.

I doubt it was the same bird but this happened to me in Stirling last month. I only nipped in to get some protein powder and after buying it I was pretty much skint until payday. As I'm walking past the stall she comes over to me starts talking to me whilst rubbing salts into my hands. I tried explaining to her that I couldn't afford it and then she's giving me aftershave balm to rub on my face. She trying to offer both of them to me for £90 at first before it goes down to about £40 whilst I'm still saying that I'm skint. She tells me that I can afford it as I have been shopping and if I have a iphone4 I should have money to buy this stuff. I eventually got away as my phone rang and I said its my work before running off.

She was fit as f**k and when she told me to wash the salt off my hands she asked me to promise not to scream with joy as the feeling is that good. I almost jizzed in my boxers.

I must have mug written on my forehead as these type of people at stalls always seem to talk to me.

[Guest]

I've just dreamt up a wee encounter with this beaut and had me a quick chug.

Cheers lads - it was good.

You don't know what she looks like though?

[DA Baracus]

Had a bad one the day. Had just finished work and I went into Ocean Terminal to get change for the bus home.

Walking along minding my business when out of nowhere I'm accosted by this extremely nice looking Eastern European girl. She starts firing salt from the dead sea on to my hands, various kinds of lotions and stuff like this while I'm trying to explain to her that I have neither the money or the desire to purchase the stuff.

Anyway, she starts telling me she loves my big, sad eyes and being incredibly touchy feely, touching my face and that and, stroking my arms. I effectively stood for 10 minutes and did everything in my power not to get a semi. It was a harrowing experience.

Then she tells me its £125 but she'll give me it for £65 because she likes me and I tell her that I literally have about a £5 to my name (a true story). She gave me a wee card and told me to come and see her on pay day So that's one half of the bottom floor of Ocean Terminal I can't go in for the immediate future.

I've met the very same woman . She never complimented me or touched anywhere but my hands though.

It was still pretty awkward though. I told her straight away that I didn't have any money to buy the stuff, but she still wouldn't let me go without doing a sample. I stood there and she did her stuff with the salts, and asked me what I thought. I told her it was all very well and good, but I still didn't have the money. In the end I somehow went away feeling like a tight b*****d for taking a sample without buying any, even though she didn't really give me a choice. Crafty wee bitch.

It was pretty good stuff though, my hands felt amazing.

I doubt it was the same bird but this happened to me in Stirling last month. I only nipped in to get some protein powder and after buying it I was pretty much skint until payday. As I'm walking past the stall she comes over to me starts talking to me whilst rubbing salts into my hands. I tried explaining to her that I couldn't afford it and then she's giving me aftershave balm to rub on my face. She trying to offer both of them to me for £90 at first before it goes down to about £40 whilst I'm still saying that I'm skint. She tells me that I can afford it as I have been shopping and if I have a iphone4 I should have money to buy this stuff. I eventually got away as my phone rang and I said its my work before running off.

She was fit as f**k and when she told me to wash the salt off my hands she asked me to promise not to scream with joy as the feeling is that good. I almost jizzed in my boxers.

I must have mug written on my forehead as these type of people at stalls always seem to talk to me.

There's an easy solution to this, and one I employ every day:

being an ugly b*****d!

[Dazzle]

There's an easy solution to this, and one I employ every day:

being an ugly b*****d!

Some of us don't have such luxuries

[SodjesSixteenIncher]

I've just dreamt up a wee encounter with this beaut and had me a quick chug.

Cheers lads - it was good.

I just had a chug over her using the £125 hand lotion I bought at Ocean Terminal.

[Dindeleux]

You don't know what she looks like though?

They said she was a good looking Eastern European.

I googled it and here was what I found:

I didn't want to make my choice too good looking or out of my league - I wanted it to be real.

It was real

[Darren]

I've recently moved to Dundee and had a gas man round looking at the hob earlier today. I haven't quite picked up on the local accent yet and was really struggling to understand him. He said something about a rottweiler in the stair and what I assumed was "so don't shit yersel". However, after my loud laugh and the look he gave me back, I think he might have been suggesting that he "shit himself" and was scared of dogs.

[Swampy]

I've recently moved to Dundee and had a gas man round looking at the hob earlier today. I haven't quite picked up on the local accent yet and was really struggling to understand him. He said something about a rottweiler in the stair and what I assumed was "so don't shit yersel". However, after my loud laugh and the look he gave me back, I think he might have been suggesting that he "shit himself" and was scared of dogs.

[Swampy]

Here in the US it is default for supermarkets to have people bagging your shopping for you. Quite often this work is given to the differently-abled. The problem is that some of them just aren't very good at it. Plus I'm massively OCD about these things and like for stuff to be bagged a certain way: in the canvas 'bag for life', two boxes of drinks can fit if stood on end. In the green bag, all frozen goods (because it's waterproof), and so on. But some of these guys can't really do that and just bag it every which way, so it gets to the stage where I have to either 1) sort of barge them aside and do it myself, getting filthy looks from the (neurotypical) cashier in the process or 2) just let them irrevocably f**k up my shopping, and drive home absolutely seething about it.

This happened tonight. Proper furious, I was.

[the jambo-rocker]

Sometimes there's simply no hiding it though, and unless you happen to be rocking a suit of armour or Hasselhoff-grade leather troosers, pulling the Waistband Tuck manoeuvre is the only way to deal with it. I've had to do it on a few dancefloors when I've been getting particularly funky with a young lady.

Be sure to only pull the Waistband Tuck when your t-shirt or top is long enough to play its part, because an ill-timed hands in the air moment gives you a problem that makes the original issue pale in significance.

This. On the odd occasion when a lass is throwing herself at me, the waistband tuck technique is employed. The worst though is tucking between the semi on the way up and the comedown. There is simply no middle ground to tuck it up or down and you end up pretending to find something in your pockets to keep anyone from suspecting the worst

[Aufc]

Having to visit friends new born kids.

People you don't know that well sitting next to you on the bus.

Strangers who start speaking to you without realising you are listening to headphones and missing half of what they say.

Getting into the same 'piss cycle' as other people in the pub then getting stage fright.

Lastly and thank god this has only happened once I was round my mates once and needed a piss but his Mam who had recently had a mastectomy was in the bath, eventually she got I out so I could finally go but she had left her fake tits on the toilet seat. There was not an easy way of explaining the situation to him.

You should have stuck them on and done the mangina to see his reaction.

I was at a Chinese takeaway in Greenock a few years ago and my mate's ex-girlfriend came in with her new boyfriend and her mum. The shop (China Garden, if anyone knows it) is tiny - there's a big restaurant bit but the actual takeaway section, you can practically touch all the walls and window at the same time. I really didn't want to talk to her, and I was facing the counter, so I pretended that I hadn't seen them and buried my head deep into the day-old Daily Record for the agonising 15 minute wait for my food. They were nattering away, I was staring at Joan Burnie's column, it was all good. Of course I had to face her on the way out, and for no good reason that I can discern I decided then to start a conversation:

Me: "Oh, hi! How long have you been here?"

Her: "Fifteen minutes or so."

Me: "Why didn't you say something?"

Her: "I didn't really want to."Me: "Fair enough. Have a good one, folks!"

Truth be told I was very, very slightly gutted. I always thought we'd got on well. She'd previously joined my Warcraft guild and everything. Mates' girlfriends, eh. What are they like?!

*me

Not much you can reply to that. I do hate meeting people that you used to kinda know. Conversation is always awkward. ALWAYS.

Wish i had a greenie left.

So true on the work trouser/hard-on issue. The faintest stirring in the loins can be problematic.

Denim is generally strong enough a material to hold a semi, and combined with sturdy underwear it can even accommodate a lazy erection.

Sometimes there's simply no hiding it though, and unless you happen to be rocking a suit of armour or Hasselhoff-grade leather troosers, pulling the Waistband Tuck manoeuvre is the only way to deal with it. I've had to do it on a few dancefloors when I've been getting particularly funky with a young lady.

Be sure to only pull the Waistband Tuck when your t-shirt or top is long enough to play its part, because an ill-timed hands in the air moment gives you a problem that makes the original issue pale in significance.

I find the best issue to stick the hand in the trouser pocket, hold it and pretend you just have your hand in the pocket. Then head straight to the lavvies and think some unsexy thoughts to ease it back. However, this becomes an issue if, during the ten second walk to the bogs, you encounter someone who requires you to do something which will require both hands. Awkward as f**k as you murmer something about needing the toilet, whilst ensuring the left hand remains attached to your penis.

My most awkward social situation is crossing the road at lights. It is ok if there are other people crossing. Howveer, if it is only you and there are cars at both sides, i absolutely hate it and feel like everyone in their cars will be talking about me. I will do anything to avoid this situation, from dicing with death crossing in front of cars to proper sprinting to the lights to ensure I cross at the same time as someone else.

Another one is from when you were younger. Maybe about 17-18 and you would be at the dancing and meet a young lady who took your fancy. You would head to the dance floor where you look all sense of where you are and the fact there are loads of folk round you. You started doing that horrible, proper, old school winching with tongues. Then the girl would dance all "sexy" for you. Invariably you got a stauner and trying to hide it in a dance floor of people is horrendous.