Social situations you hate

[Newbornbairn]

The awkward few minutes between shooting your load and saying goodnight to her.

[Gareth_Glasgow]

2) Walking behind someone through a set of doors. "Thanks.........cheers..........ta mate", f**k sake. Do you say thank you every time they hold a door open, or not bother and risk seeming rude? I make sure to avoid this situation.

[11thHour]

Actual tears! Brilliant!

All three of todays greens went on this thread.

I always hit a blank when it comes to the top fives section but here goes.

1 - Trying to feign interest/playing dumb when someone tells you a story they've already told you at least 5 times. I used to play along like I didnt know but now I just tell them straight and they're always a bit raging at you as if you've just been a dick to them for telling them they've told you this so much you know it off by heart. Hand gestures and all.

2 - When I get in early at work. I usually get in between half 8 and 9 and if I get in before 8 the guys I sit next to always start their usual shite patter "aww did the missus kick ye out the bed this morning?" "my watch must be wrong, is it 9 o'clock already?". Gotten to the point now where I dont even acknowledge they've said anything to me so they get the hint that their patter is shite and is said everytime I come in early.

3 - Same goes for when the guy that sits next me leaves for the day. He always comes away with some sort of comment that lets you know he's leaving instead of just saying 'Bye' as he's leaving so I have to come up with something to make it seem like im interested that he's fucking off.

"Right, thats enough for one day"

"Oh is that you away? alright for some"

"Aye well i'll be back tomorrow bright eyed and bushy tailed"

"Oh aye so will I, looking forward to it"

*both share a fake chuckle*

And he goes on his merry way. This happens every working day and its always the same 2 or 3 exchanges you would think he would click on.

4 - Talking to someone you have no idea who they are but they know you/talking to someone you know you know and have had conversations with them but cannot for the life of you remember their name. Trying to find territory that you think will make it seem like you know who they are is awful. Either that or talking to someone for ages thinking they are someone else and then when they correct you for calling them someone else name they can see all over your face that you thought they were someone else *criiiiinnggeee*

5 - Getting into a taxi and saying "alright mate" only for it to be a woman. I really should wait till im fully in the taxi before uttering my hello's. Makes for an awkward taxi journey.

[Broken Algorithms]

1 - Trying to feign interest/playing dumb when someone tells you a story they've already told you at least 5 times.

That actually reminds me of one of my best mates. He's a good guy but a he has a bad habit of repeating other peoples stories, occasionally one that you told him a few days ago. Similarly, he'll also bang on about a certain band, film, tv show or game for month on end going on about how good it is.

Also, Limmy's Show truly is pish.

[ForzaDundee]

4) Bumping in to that person again five minutes later. If you've stopped and had the stock "not seen you in a while" conversation, the chances are you've ran out of things to say and have both went your seperate ways. If you bump in to them again (say in a supermarket) you absolutely cannot stop and chat again. You have to just make some shitty comment and walk away. f**k.

[Bert Raccoon]

3) Bumping in to someone you kind of know. When you see someone you know kind of well but not that well you're faced with the decision of whether to stop and have a chat or just say hi and walk away. It doesn't really matter, but you absolutely must both make the same decision. If one of you stops and the other walks on, that's a horrible moment for all concerned.

The worst is when you bump into said person on public transport. At least if you bump into them in the street then you have the option of pretending you have somewhere to go. Many a time I've had to endure a 30 minute train journey with an acquaintance and we've run out of things to say by the first stop. Then comes the game of who will give up first and start looking at their phone or reading the paper. I normally scan the platform beforehand nowadays to avoid this hassle.

[SodjesSixteenIncher]

Not knowing someones name before introductions: Was out with a few mates recently when a girl came up from my work. She introduced us to her boyfriend and squad of mates. Had no idea what her name was and looked like an absolute p***k not introducing my friends. She started saying how she didn't like anyone at work except for me and a few other people. Made it worse that I had no idea who she was.

Someone saying something racist/sexist/homophobic: Challenge them or laugh along? No non awkward option there.

Mates incapable of changing their 'banter': Used to hang around with a fellow who had the most offensive sense of humour I've ever come across. To be honest he was a social retard and I've not seen him in a few years. I quite liked his 'edgy' humour at times but the problem was he was incapable of avoiding awkwardness. The highlight being watching Once Upon a Time in America with a group of 4 guys and 4 birds. Having not spoken for the whole evening he piped up in the brutal rape scene with "PUNISH HER!" Film club officially died the night he interrupted Indiana Jones fighting off some mummy's by shouting "ZOMBIE RAPE!"

Someone telling you how ill/depressed etc they are: I'm incapable of doing the 'ooh you poor thing' voice. Fake sympathy or dismissive 'sare yin mate' response. Guaranteed awkwardness.

Say joke, nobody laughs:

[Dennis Bergkamp]

I've heard about this limmy's Show but never actually seen any of it up until this thread. Fucking brutal.

[Dindeleux]

I'm not somebody who struggles to interact with other people, but I think we all have certain social situations that we really hate. In no particular order I think the worst moments are:

1) Lift conversations. It's awkward standing in silence in a lift with one person you don't know, but not nearly as awkward as talking to them inanely. As soon as someone says "this lift's a bit slow" followed by an awkward laugh, my heart sinks. The only thing I know we have in common is that we're in the same lift, and my observations on that lift won't stretch for 12 floors. It's painful on so many levels (lol, did you see what I did there).

2) Walking behind someone through a set of doors. "Thanks.........cheers..........ta mate", f**k sake. Do you say thank you every time they hold a door open, or not bother and risk seeming rude? I make sure to avoid this situation.

3) Bumping in to someone you kind of know. When you see someone you know kind of well but not that well you're faced with the decision of whether to stop and have a chat or just say hi and walk away. It doesn't really matter, but you absolutely must both make the same decision. If one of you stops and the other walks on, that's a horrible moment for all concerned.

4) Bumping in to that person again five minutes later. If you've stopped and had the stock "not seen you in a while" conversation, the chances are you've ran out of things to say and have both went your seperate ways. If you bump in to them again (say in a supermarket) you absolutely cannot stop and chat again. You have to just make some shitty comment and walk away. f**k.

5) Bank conversations. "You had a busy day today sir"? "No not really, been busy in here"? "No not really, I prefer it when it's a bit busier, makes the day go by quicker". "Oh yeah, I know what you mean". None of us want to have this shite conversation, so why are we doing it? They should mix it up and ask customers what they think of Hugo Chavez.

Agree with most.

I fucking hate it if my girlfriend drags me along to a party, sits me at a table with her, her friend and the friends boyfriend and then proceeds to f**k off up to the dancefloor with aforementioned friend leaving me to make small talk with some idiot I don't know (who usually turns out to be an OF fan).

Mobile phones have made this situation a little easier to deal with.

[Friedrich Engels]

in work last week i made a coffee and before i could wash the spoon the chief exec comes in and starts washing up her lunch dishes, she tuts at the mess and all the other dishes that were left so she starts washing everything. now i'm standing there with this spoon, looking like a fanny because i didn't want to put it down as it would look like i wanted her to wash it. and at the same time she has noticed my presence in the kitchen and if i stand any longer she will want to know what i'm doing. this was a social situation that i felt really uncomfortable in as i'd never been in it before and although it seems like nothing i did not know how to handle it.

[JamboMikey]

Mates incapable of changing their 'banter': Used to hang around with a fellow who had the most offensive sense of humour I've ever come across. To be honest he was a social retard and I've not seen him in a few years. I quite liked his 'edgy' humour at times but the problem was he was incapable of avoiding awkwardness. The highlight being watching Once Upon a Time in America with a group of 4 guys and 4 birds. Having not spoken for the whole evening he piped up in the brutal rape scene with "PUNISH HER!" Film club officially died the night he interrupted Indiana Jones fighting off some mummy's by shouting "ZOMBIE RAPE!"

That is one of the funniest things I've ever read on here.

"PUNISH HER!"

To answer the OP, all of them

[Gareth_Glasgow]

Limmy is the king of awkward moment comedy.

[smpar]

Parents' friends. I'm so bad at recognising faces and it's worse when you haven't seen them in nearly 10 years and you haven't a fucking clue who they are. Making incredibly subtle smalltalk before figuring out who they are is a fucking nightmare.

Hairdressers. The first 5-10 minutes of a haircut are torture too, before you can actually establish a decent conversation.

Only couple I can think of now..

[vikingTON]

Limmy is the king of awkward moment comedy.

Maybe in a kingdom of complete simpletons.

Larry David and 'Curb Your Enthusiasm' are the benchmark of awkward comedy.

[itzdrk]

few more

do you want to see my holiday pictures, cue load of pish photos taken with them standing infront of something . and you have to feign interest in this

if your round someones house and they disappear for 10/20 minutes leaving you sitting with their children with no warning whatsoever

when two mates fall out over something irrelevant to you and expect you to fall out with the other

[Fraser Fyvie]

When you can't understand what someone is saying for a second or even third time and you have to just nod slightly/chuckle, hoping it wasn't a question.

[Benjamin_Nevis]

1. Having a shite at work

Is there some unwritten rule/murphy's law style thing that states that on the rare occasions one decides to drop one's back in the work toilets, that after washing up and opening the door into the corridor the tidiest bird from the office next door HAS to be walking past at that precise moment, to be met both by you and an invisible wall of eye-watering horrific stench?

2. Untimely Emails

This happened to me the other week. I was going over a powerpoint presentation with my boss at my desk, when a girl i'm pally with from another department emailed me with a rant about another girl in her office sitting around doing f**k all. We have outlook 2003, which has a little preview pop up box when someone emails, which shows the username and the first line or two of text, which on this occasion was "I'm gettin really fed up of **insert name**. she's a lazy c*** and i'm doin all her bloody work!!". NOT good timing.

3. Girlfriend's Embarrassing Questions

A girl i used to go out with had this endearing habit of asking the worst possible question, at almost the worst possible time. On one memorable occasion after a night out, we were in the local take away pondering which nutritious meal to take home. I decided on a Quarter-pounder with Cheese. she was less sure and asked "So, is a quarter pounder more or less than a half pounder?" *facepalm*

4. Singing at the Football

Luckily this hasn't happened to me yet, but every game there will be some poor b*****d that will try to start a song and absolutely no one else around him will join in. Resulting in the poor c**t singing the first line loud as f**k, then tailing off to a virtual whisper, before sitting down again and hoping forlornly that no one saw or heard him.

5. When Ripping the Pish out of Old Firm Fans on Facebook Goes Wrong

A few months ago, i posted up a pishtake pic of Ally McCoist after Rangers hilariously lost to NK Maribor, on my Celtic supporting mate's profile, with some piss take about FC Sion in there as well. One of his Rangers supporting mates posted something in reply about Coisty being a great manager and player for Scotland and we should be ashamed of ourselves for taking the pish. Well i couldn't resist, and took the total pish out of him, resulting in him posting about taking part in the 1980 Cup Final riot, general anti-catholicism and some pish about How could he be a bigot when his dead cousin was a Celtic fan and he respected him etc etc. He had a total breakdown and i started feeling quite bad about it. Not quite as badly as when he was roped into a game of fives by a mutual friend the following weekend, and after working out who i was, spent most of the hour try to fucking half me.

[BigMartyn86]

in work last week i made a coffee and before i could wash the spoon the chief exec comes in and starts washing up her lunch dishes, she tuts at the mess and all the other dishes that were left so she starts washing everything. now i'm standing there with this spoon, looking like a fanny because i didn't want to put it down as it would look like i wanted her to wash it. and at the same time she has noticed my presence in the kitchen and if i stand any longer she will want to know what i'm doing. this was a social situation that i felt really uncomfortable in as i'd never been in it before and although it seems like nothing i did not know how to handle it.

If it ever happens in the future you should offer to dry the dishes or just tell her it's good to see a woman back where she belongs haha.

[wunfellaff]

When someone you know has a new born kid. I hate these situations. When I was with my ex and one of her pals had given birth I was always dragged along to see the thing. I am useless when it comes to kids and usually just sit quietly and let the women go into mothering mode. It's ok if the bairn has a dad as you can try and joke about things like "oh it's not long until you'll have him at the football" or "at least you've only got the one cock to worry about (if it's a boy)". But considering 90% of her pals were single mums just made it harder. It's worse when they ask "do you want to hold him/her/it" cue the Kevin bridges moment of just making a arse of yourself and handing it back after 5 seconds.

Beat me to the baby thing, though its the 'ooh isn't he/she/it georgeous' etc etc that makes me cringe.

THEY ALL LOOK THE SAME YOU DOLTS!!!!!!!

Unless it is deformed in which case you still can't mention the fact and are still expected to coo over the shit/drool machine...

[smpar]

1. Having a shite at work

Is there some unwritten rule/murphy's law style thing that states that on the rare occasions one decides to drop one's back in the work toilets, that after washing up and opening the door into the corridor the tidiest bird from the office next door HAS to be walking past at that precise moment, to be met both by you and an invisible wall of eye-watering horrific stench?

2. Untimely Emails

This happened to me the other week. I was going over a powerpoint presentation with my boss at my desk, when a girl i'm pally with from another department emailed me with a rant about another girl in her office sitting around doing f**k all. We have outlook 2003, which has a little preview pop up box when someone emails, which shows the username and the first line or two of text, which on this occasion was "I'm gettin really fed up of **insert name**. she's a lazy c*** and i'm doin all her bloody work!!". NOT good timing.

3. Girlfriend's Embarrassing Questions

A girl i used to go out with had this endearing habit of asking the worst possible question, at almost the worst possible time. On one memorable occasion after a night out, we were in the local take away pondering which nutritious meal to take home. I decided on a Quarter-pounder with Cheese. she was less sure and asked "So, is a quarter pounder more or less than a half pounder?" *facepalm*

4. Singing at the Football

Luckily this hasn't happened to me yet, but every game there will be some poor b*****d that will try to start a song and absolutely no one else around him will join in. Resulting in the poor c**t singing the first line loud as f**k, then tailing off to a virtual whisper, before sitting down again and hoping forlornly that no one saw or heard him.

5. When Ripping the Pish out of Old Firm Fans on Facebook Goes Wrong

A few months ago, i posted up a pishtake pic of Ally McCoist after Rangers hilariously lost to NK Maribor, on my Celtic supporting mate's profile, with some piss take about FC Sion in there as well. One of his Rangers supporting mates posted something in reply about Coisty being a great manager and player for Scotland and we should be ashamed of ourselves for taking the pish. Well i couldn't resist, and took the total pish out of him, resulting in him posting about taking part in the 1980 Cup Final riot, general anti-catholicism and some pish about How could he be a bigot when his dead cousin was a Celtic fan and he respected him etc etc. He had a total breakdown and i started feeling quite bad about it. Not quite as badly as when he was roped into a game of fives by a mutual friend the following weekend, and after working out who i was, spent most of the hour try to fucking half me.

No greenies left, but that's a fucking belter of a post.